How many people do you encounter on a daily basis who seemingly ooze negativity? They find a problem for every solution. They make mountains out of molehills. They play the role of devil's advocate or contrarian any chance they get.  Negative and dramatic people are a drain on our mental and emotional resources. They thrive on theatrics and do nothing but try to drag us down with them. Misery surely loves company, and they'll stop at nothing until you're down in the dumps with them.  They say you can't change the people around you. But if you think about it, you can in fact  change (as in replace or eliminate) the people who surround you.  It's time to free yourself from the grips of toxic, self-esteem-shattering, soul-destroying individuals! A primary reason why so many of us have a hard time distancing ourselves from negative folks is because we've known them for a long time and have invested so much time and energy into the relationship that we'll do vir...

Most of us can point to at least one toxic person in our lives whom we detest but for one reason or another have to put up with. Maybe it's a mercurial boss or meddling in-law, or a friend-of-a-friend who rubs you the wrong way.  Then there are those who perhaps weren't toxic in the beginning but have become so over time -- a friend or partner, perhaps. In such cases, we have the power to cut them loose, but seem unable to pull the trigger. Here's why this can be so difficult:  1 . We still care about them . It isn't easy to part ways cold turkey with someone you've known for a long time -- one you've built special, indelible memories with. Just because they've become a shell of their former self doesn't mean we've lost sense of who and how they were in the beginning.  2. They refuse to let you go . Whether it's that they're possessive or deep down they still hold deep feelings for you, they might stop at nothing to foil your plans to call th...

The pressure society places on us to change can be quite intense. Commercials encouraging us to whip ourselves into shape so that we can look like runway supermodels.  Friends goading us to nix our career dreams in favor of safe, lucrative professions -- from law to medicine -- in which we may have zero interest. Co-workers pressuring us to talk more since our quiet disposition puts them ill at ease.  This can all make us quite tempted to fundamentally change our personality and interests -- to curry favor with others, to win their approval. What these ads and individuals don't tell you is that changing who you are is antithetical to a happy life.  If anything, it's a recipe for adverse physical and emotional health outcomes, potentially leading to anything from eating disorders to anxiety or depression. Do realize that marketers and the people in your own life all have an agenda. The former are trying to appeal to your emotions so as to get you to part with your hard-ear...

Everyone strives to be liked by all whom they come across -- co-workers, friends, acquaintances.  But what good is gaining someone's favor if it means changing who you are? Let's face it: There will always be something about you that someone is going to be displeased about, whether it's your gift for gab or penchant for quietness, your insistence on not drinking or your passion for the environment. Indeed, certain interests or personality traits may put you at odds with some people because they may not be, dare I say, mainstream? For example, almost all my sports-loving friends are football fanatics. I've never been big on pigskin, but I have been drawn to baseball from an early age.  I happen to think baseball is exciting, but most of my friends would beg to differ, always questioning how I can get into such a "dull" game. You may have found yourself in a similar situation when it comes to your political views, religious beliefs, or quiet demeanor. What I...

Here's an irony for you: When nothing is sure, everything is possible. I know that "everything" can encompass both good and bad outcomes. We can find a great job or spend another two frustrating months looking, see our relationship thrive or devolve into chaos, hit it big in the stock market or lose a boatload of money. Life is really what we make of it. The possibilities are there -- we need only seize them. But we make that impossible to do if: 1. We give up prematurely. Thomas Edison once said,"I haven't failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work. This quote, too, is attributed to the famous inventor: "Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were when they gave up." Indeed, some people draw so close to the promised land they can almost taste it -- only to wave the white flag. Perhaps they become dissuaded by a friend or relative, don't see the financial returns of a venture as quic...

At some point, you've likely made an effort to motivate your reluctant partner to do something you know will be good for them. Maybe it's getting more exercise and laying off the fatty foods. Perhaps it's investing more time into studying to finally earn that degree, or doing chores around the house. Here's the thing: It’s a lot easier to make changes within yourself than to get someone else to. It's only human nature for people to resist others' efforts to push them into doing things they simply don't wish to do. And, sometimes, the harder you try, the more obdurate they are. Here's a sounder strategy for getting around their obstinance: Let them observe changes in YOUR own attitude and actions, which are far more likely to prompt changes in your partner than anything else. For example, let's assume you feel your partner is taking you for granted. You've told your partner countless times that you wish they would put more effort...

Many of us become stressed by our inability to control the future. For example, you may be ruminating night and day about how different things at work will be once your boss retires. Or maybe you're on edge over the fact that you've only recently gotten into a relationship and you don't know if it's going to work out. Maybe your spirits are low because you've been looking to buy a house for some time now to no avail. If there's one certainty in life, it's that life is uncertain. The only constant in our lives is change. Rather than sulking about it, we have to roll with the punches. It doesn't benefit you to fear worst-case scenarios that may never come to pass. You can plan for the worst, yes. Just don't convince yourself that the worst is actually going to happen because that will only make you into a nervous wreck. If we do find ourselves in that situation, we deal with it at that point. But agonizing over it in advance will on...

Sometimes it isn't that someone has changed, but that now you see them for who they really are. It can be disappointing to realize that someone whom you held in high esteem -- whether an old friend or relatively new girlfriend -- isn't as you imagined. Maybe you've noticed a pattern of lies, throwing cold water on the rosy impression you'd built of them in your mind. Perhaps they'd hidden the fact that they have a massive heap of debt, a never-before-mentioned ex who continues reaching out to them, or aspirations of moving to Europe in a year. Do some people change for the worst over time? In some instances, yes. It's possible they could grow complacent, envious, or flat-out bitter in the relationship, and things like alcohol and stress at work may be culprits -- though they're certainly not valid reasons for bad behavior. But in other cases, they manage to put up a front -- rather effectively, I might add -- that may persist for years. The p...

Many people ask me whether a relationship or marriage can withstand the devastating blow dealt by a partner's infidelity. My answer? It depends. Some may, and some most certainly won't. You see, once a person cheats, their partner can never look at them in the same light ever again no matter how hard they may try.  Even if the victim finds it in their heart to give their significant other another chance, such an abominable breach of trust gives way to future suspicion of the cheater's motives. Are they really heading out to the gym at 9 p.m., and, if so, whom do they interact with there? Are they truly texting a friend as they say they are? If so, why must they do it during dinner and at late hours of the night? The cheater may thus come to resent having all his moves put under a microscope given his pledge to make amends for his wrongdoings. The victim might retort that their behavior is justified. After all, they forgave the cheater for straying in the re...

A New Year means fresh possibilities -- the chance to press that reset button and start anew. An opportunity to leave all the grudges, drama, and negativity that beleaguered you in 2019 behind. The chance to look forward to pursuing goals (new or existing) with renewed vigor. It isn't just about losing weight, getting a better job, or finding true love. It's about becoming a better individual all-around. It's about leveraging what you've learned up until this point through your mistakes and experiences so you can continually become a better, smarter, wiser version of yourself. While we can set out to adopt this mindset any time of the year -- no one says it has to be January 1 -- most of us see that date as a convenient jumping off point for starting with a clean slate. Whatever your preference, one thing is for sure: It's never too late to effect change in your life that will put you closer to fulfilling your dreams. Life is what you make of it. If yo...

Human beings have a tendency to stick it out with costly decisions, and it can be attributed directly to the sunk cost fallacy. According to this psychological concept, the more we invest -- whether it be money, time, or emotions -- the less likely we are to abandon our initial choices. There are many examples of the sunk cost fallacy in action. For example, if you've invested $10,000 in a women's studies degree even though you recognize your job prospects following graduation are looking a tad bleak, you're likely to press on. Or, perhaps you've been waiting in the same line at the grocery store for nearly 10 minutes while others around you speed by. You've waited this long, so you refuse to budge. Or maybe you insist on getting through the final two chapters of the mediocre book you're reading, or wrapping up the last season of the show you've been watching for several years. After we commit, we tend to bind ourselves to our own decisions, an...

The only keeper of your happiness is you. Stop giving other people power to control your smile, your attitude, and your worth. Never hand the keys to your happiness to someone else. Live life on your terms, doing what you love, and seeking out challenges and experiences that enrich your soul. No one knows your dreams, goals, and fears better than you do. No other person is there for you like you are -- 24 hours a day, seven days a week. No one has gone through the very ordeals you've confronted. To give others control over your emotions is to sign away your right to be happy. It puts you at the mercy of others who may not always have your best interests at heart -- people who might leave your life at any given moment. Sharing your happiness with the people you love is one thing. Depending on them to be happy is another. When you place your happiness in the hands of others, you expect them to think and act as you would. You anticipate that they will always be there...

Many people are under the misapprehension that only by gaining the approval of others can we truly be happy. But this couldn't be further from the truth. While people can certainly enrich our lives, some individuals lock themselves into the mindset that without others' validation, they must be doing something wrong. It compels them to plead with these people for answers. It pushes them to change in any way necessary to gain their acceptance. Granted, if the person in question is living recklessly -- say, doing drugs, mistreating his wife, or gambling away his savings every weekend -- it is not surprising that others may not wish to associate themselves with the individual until he changes his ways. But if he isn't harming himself or anyone else, there's no reason to deprive himself of experiencing happiness merely because certain people may not give their stamp of approval. But here's the thing: Happiness comes from inside of you. Others' approval ...

He promised you he'd always remain loyal to you, but you later discovered he had a girlfriend on the side. She pledged that she'd always be there for you, in good times and bad ones, but when you recently lost your job, she couldn't be bothered to visit or console you. We've all been in situations where people we trusted wholeheartedly wound up letting us down in a big way. Once you realize the individual isn't as great as you thought, you may experience a range of emotions -- from disbelief to anger to utter sadness. Worst of all, you may be tempted into blaming yourself for what happened. You may ask yourself a litany of questions such as: "How could I be so naive?" "Why didn't I see this coming?" "Was it something I did or said?" "How could I have wasted my time and energy in such a heartless person?" Before you know it, you've beaten yourself silly ruminating about the whys and what ifs. Do ...

Have you ever stayed in a relationship a lot longer than you should have? While hindsight is always instructive, many people would admit that they began seeing the red flags early on, but decided to turn a blind eye. But why would people do this? As I've noted in prior entries, people could do it for a variety of reasons, including: The fear of being alone They have a long history with the person There are kids in the picture Financial dependency A low self-esteem Fear of change/a reluctance to start anew  Beyond that , they think their partner has the potential to be a better person. This brings me to two mistakes I've touched upon in earlier posts that people with their heart in the right place tend to make: 1. They set their expectations of the other person too high. 2. They set out to help "change" or "save" them. The higher you set your expectations of other people, the greater the chances of being disappointed.  As ...

Whether it's a cheating spouse, a friend who takes you for granted, or a coworker who stabs you in the back whenever you're not present, no one should make excuses for another person's unsavory behavior. If the person is making a genuine effort to clean up their act, that's one thing. But if they pledge they're going to change, and yet you catch them pulling the same stunts over and over again, they're making a mockery of your compassion. At that point, you have to decide whether to continue giving them the benefit of the doubt, or calling it quits once and for all. It isn't as easy to walk when you're dealing with a coworker and you wish to keep your job. In that case, you may consider asking for a transfer or moving to a cubicle further away from the individual. You might also think twice about ending the friendship if you each have mutual friends. You may worry that he or she will talk smack to the others about you (if they haven't alr...

It's a real shame that people take issue with others loving themselves and being comfortable in their own skin, but that's the sad reality. Why would they have a problem with it, you ask? Well, if the person is markedly different than them in some way -- say, they don't drink or they embrace a minimalist lifestyle -- it could trigger unsettling insecurities. Some individuals don't like the thought of others asserting their individuality because it makes them feel unsure of their own habits, values. and predilections. That in turn may prompt them to try to change the more unique individual into someone that more closely resembles themselves. They'll goad them to have a drink, or to go out and fork over gobs of money on clothes. How should you handle these people? It's quite simple. If they can't handle you at your most authentic, then it's their problem. Under no circumstances should you give in to their desire to change you to fit their...

You will never be good enough for everyone, but here's good news: You'll always be good enough for those people who deserve you. It's a certainty that you will come across people who have something to complain about. You're too quiet or too loud, too clean or too messy, too skinny or too fat, too lazy or too ambitious. It's nearly impossible to meet some individuals' exacting standards. But who says we have to meet such standards to begin with? The right people -- those who accept you for who you are -- will never press you to change. They'll appreciate you whether or not you drink, whether you gravitate toward books or sports, or whether you're bold or docile. (Of course, if you're engaging in dangerous behaviors -- like abusing alcohol or drugs -- they have every reason to goad you to change in that regard.) The right people will acknowledge whatever it is that makes you unique -- whether it's your passion for learning, quirky sen...

Certain people just aren't worth stressing about. I speak of those who are impossible to please. The ones who always have something to complain about. The type who seem disenchanted all the time, their primary goal being to have that misery rub off on us. No, thanks. We don't need such people in our lives. The more we can steer clear of them, the more peace of mind and less negativity we will have in our lives. Unfortunately, however, sometimes we have no choice but to stomach them as best as we can. Perhaps you work with a toxic boss or co-worker, but you don't feel now is the time to switch jobs. Or, your meddling in-laws are really testing your patience, but you don't want to say anything to land in hot water with them. That we will come across people we don't get along with is a certainty in life. But as I've said before, life is more about how you react to situations than the situations themselves. It's about how you adapt to circumstances...

We all know at least one person in our lives who strives to keep up with the Joneses. They look to others for inspiration on how to dress, what car to buy, how many children to have, what career to go into, and even which hobbies to cultivate. And that person might very well be ourselves. While turning to others for ideas isn't a bad thing, shadowing everything they do because you crave validation and want to feel as though you're part of the in-group is taking it a step too far. Essentially, you're obliterating all that makes you stand out! Who cares if your neighbor drives a Bentley? If you're satisfied with your Nissan Maxima, that's what matters. Maybe you're the only person at work who doesn't have a dog. So what? There's nothing wrong with being a cat lover. Or perhaps you're the only one among your peer group who isn't in a high-powered career. As long as you're happy in your profession, why should you bother switching fiel...