In relationships, there’s one pivotal factor that often goes unnoticed until it's too late. It’s not about communication, trust, or even love. While these are not unimportant, there’s something more fundamental that shapes the way we connect with our partners. This overlooked element can either strengthen the ties between you or cause subtle fissures that may widen over time. So, what is this game-changing factor? It’s emotional availability . Emotional availability is the ability to be present, to listen and respond to your partner’s feelings, and to share your own emotions in a healthy, honest way.  When both partners are emotionally available, they create a safe space for each other to express worries, desires, and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment, reprisal, or rejection. This emotional connection is the foundation upon which intimacy, trust, and understanding can thrive. However, when one or both partners are emotionally unavailable, even the most loving relationships c...

A person whose words have been shown to contradict his or her actions is one you're better off without. Maybe it's the girlfriend who professes to love you but always misses your milestone moments.  The friend who talks up your being best buddies, but has been caught spreading lies about you. The co-worker who assures you that you can always count on them, but is furtively angling for your job. The truth is that it's not always easy to decipher people's real motives, especially when you don't know them that well. But once you observe on more than one occasion that their actions don't mirror their words, you ought to cast a wary eye.  People can make promises all they like, but if there's no action to back them up, it's evident they've got a penchant for disingenuousness. Don't be too quick to hand over your trust. We are much more apt to do this when the person in question is charming and charismatic.  A rule of thumb to go by: You don't real...

I want to preface this post by saying that no one in a relationship -- be it platonic or amorous -- is perfect. No one is entirely blameless over the course of relational ups and downs. We all possess flaws, some more regrettable than others.  That being said, having the finger pointed at you all the time -- despite the fact you know the other person shares blame or is entirely at fault -- can be demoralizing.  It hints at one important truth Those who take it upon themselves to make everyone else the culprit and themselves the victim suffer from an acute lack of humility. Whether they have an inflated ego or were never taught to look deep within and concede when they've wrong, these people have a penchant for projecting their follies onto others.  They may act as though they have not the slightest idea they're in the wrong, but it's all a charade to hide their culpability behind the guise of obliviousness and not be held accountable.  How to approach these folks The...

Have you ever depended on someone -- maybe a little too much -- to fill your day with happiness? I think most of us can concede that we've been there.  Whether we're talking about our closest friends, relatives, or our partner, there's no doubt that these individuals greatly enhance our lives.  But a distinction needs to be made between "enhancing" and "completing." When someone serves as an enhancement, they add to an already enriching life. They're icing on the cake, if you will. However, when we lean on the individual in order to feel complete, it suggests something was missing to begin with and we're looking to them to fill the void. This is problematic in more ways than one. Ask yourself these point-blank questions: 1. What if they were to betray you? 2. What if they were to move and forget about you? 3. What if they were to cheat? 4. What if they were to lose interest in the relationship entirely? 5. What if they were to pass away? I'm ...

The success of a relationship depends on both partners supporting and protecting each other's freedom.  Although your lives are intertwined, both of you should retain your individuality, your sense of self. Your identity should not become all wrapped up in the other person. You aren't just a boyfriend or husband. You're your own person -- one with a unique set of values, passions, and attitudes.  While having commonalities enhances the relationship, it's okay -- suggested, even -- to have disparate interests, which can better the relationship in its own right.   Maybe John loves to read and Becky would rather binge on Netflix. Perhaps Tony is a big sports buff while Susan is big on museums and cultural events.  That way, the two of you can always learn something from one another and have something different to contribute to the conversation. And chances are that over time, you one of his/her hobbies may actually grow on you.  To give you an example, my wife...

It's normal to put yourself first every now and then. After all, if we constantly bend over for everyone but ourselves -- the demanding boss, the friend who's always broke -- our well-being will eventually take a major nosedive.  The people we have to be especially wary of the ones who take, take, take -- but never give back. Relationships are about scratching each other's back. But this doesn't necessarily mean they always have to be 50/50.  There will be times where one person is more in need than the other, whether they're struck with an unexpected illness, they lose a loved one, or they get fired from work.  We all have to contend with adversity at different points in our lives, and we often turn to friends and family for support.  But what if they fail to accommodate you even after we've been there for them countless times? It should be an indication that they're in it for themselves. I can understand their not being able to lend you money each and ever...

Here's one important tip to remember when navigating the vagaries of human relationships: You don't have to choose between being kind and drawing boundaries. Both can be done simultaneously. In other words, you can be courteous without permitting others to step over you. You can be firm without launching into an expletive-laced tirade. Unfortunately, some people struggle to walk this fine line. They can't help but vacillate between outright rage and saccharine kindness. You'venbecause a person likes you doesn't mean they respect you. And if you never stand up for yourself -- in a diplomatic manner, of course -- they'll just assume they can get away with everything and anything. This extends to all relationships in your life -- your marriage, your friendships, and your work relationships included. Now, standing up for yourself doesn't have to mean engaging someone in a fight, whether of the verbal or fist variety. In fact, merely walking aw...

Worrying never goes away completely, but it's on us to keep our concerns over the future at bay. Teens worry about what college will bring, especially if they plan to go out of state. Seniors worry over their will and making arrangements for when it's their time to go. Expectant parents are nervous about whether they'll be able to handle parenthood. Recently laid off employees feel angst over whether they have enough money to provide for their family while looking to snag another job. Our relationships, dreams, fears, goals-- not to mention the stage of life we find ourselves in -- each play a role in shaping the very worries that plague our minds. While it's imperative we keep our concerns under control so as to mitigate the anxiety that undoubtedly ensues, worries -- and a little pressure, for that matter -- aren't always bad. In fact, they may propel us to resolve problems and strive to achieve goals we might otherwise not pay much attention to....

Relationships can take us to the heights of passion and the depths of despair. There are days we look at our partner and ask ourselves how we got so lucky. Then there are occasions where we can't stand to be in their presence, if temporarily. Nevertheless, relationships entail taking the good with the bad. It doesn't mean you have to settle for less, or let the other person get away with everything. Nor does it mean expecting them to be flawless or of like mind in every way. Here are two musts in order for a relationship to be successful: 1. Appreciating each other's similarities.  Maybe you're both rabid football fans, hardcore comic book geeks, or the biggest Beatles fans anywhere. Or perhaps you're both optimistic, financially responsible, or averse to rollercoasters. There's no question that in order for the relationship to run smoothly, both partners should have some overlapping interests, fears, views, or all of the above. Otherwise, yo...

Sometimes it isn't that someone has changed, but that now you see them for who they really are. It can be disappointing to realize that someone whom you held in high esteem -- whether an old friend or relatively new girlfriend -- isn't as you imagined. Maybe you've noticed a pattern of lies, throwing cold water on the rosy impression you'd built of them in your mind. Perhaps they'd hidden the fact that they have a massive heap of debt, a never-before-mentioned ex who continues reaching out to them, or aspirations of moving to Europe in a year. Do some people change for the worst over time? In some instances, yes. It's possible they could grow complacent, envious, or flat-out bitter in the relationship, and things like alcohol and stress at work may be culprits -- though they're certainly not valid reasons for bad behavior. But in other cases, they manage to put up a front -- rather effectively, I might add -- that may persist for years. The p...

A New Year means fresh possibilities -- the chance to press that reset button and start anew. An opportunity to leave all the grudges, drama, and negativity that beleaguered you in 2019 behind. The chance to look forward to pursuing goals (new or existing) with renewed vigor. It isn't just about losing weight, getting a better job, or finding true love. It's about becoming a better individual all-around. It's about leveraging what you've learned up until this point through your mistakes and experiences so you can continually become a better, smarter, wiser version of yourself. While we can set out to adopt this mindset any time of the year -- no one says it has to be January 1 -- most of us see that date as a convenient jumping off point for starting with a clean slate. Whatever your preference, one thing is for sure: It's never too late to effect change in your life that will put you closer to fulfilling your dreams. Life is what you make of it. If yo...

We've all heard sayings like "patience is a virtue," "good things come to those who wait," and "everything happens at the right time." But are these valid assertions, or just tired platitudes? The fact of the matter is this: Life is a balancing act between striking the right level of patience and working toward one's goals . There's no question that you shouldn't force what you know in your heart isn't for you. For example, if your gut tells you that the position you interviewed for isn't right -- and you can afford to hold off a little longer -- don't accept it if an offer is extended. Or let's pretend you've been single for two years and would do just about anything to hook up with someone. Unfortunately, desperation can drive people to settle for someone who they know deep down is a poor fit. Needless to say, patience can pay huge dividends. You may second guess your decision initially, only to have a mu...

I've learned that if there's anyone you should be wary of, it's a person who tries very hard to be everyone's friend -- the kind who wants to be liked by everyone and his mother. If they're that intent on gaining everyone's approval, it probably means that they are not genuine people. They will do and say just about anything just to curry others' favor. Then, when being nice to you no longer benefits them in any way, they may fall off the grid. You may never see or hear from them ever again. In other words, they're as fake as they come! Chances are you've come across someone like this at work, in the gym, or someplace else. Surely, there's nothing wrong with being polite to others. But when people overwhelm you with flattery and nice gestures, it begs the question: Why are they being so nice, especially if you've done nothing to deserve it? Perhaps they're trying to overcompensate for their low self-esteem, or they're...

Isn't it terrible when someone you care about takes you for granted? It could be a partner, a friend, or even a relative who: Turns to you only when they need something Leaves you in the lurch when you're in a rough patch yourself Insists they will change, but they never do Seems to prioritize everyone in his or her life except you No matter how often you convey that you feel angry, hurt, and taken advantage of, they carry on with the behavior, assuming that you're going to stick around. Their reasoning is: If you haven't left already, why would you now? This is precisely the kind of mindset that causes so many relationships to go under. Some people expect the other person to do all the work, thinking that alone will sustain the relationship. Or, they may do a little here and there, but never commit themselves to the degree the other person is. Sooner or later, the person being taken for a ride gives up and moves on. In certain cases, the other in...

Nobody would argue that relationships are (or should be) about give and take. If one finds himself constantly giving but never receiving -- be it love, affection, emotional support -- it won't be long before he realizes things are badly lopsided, potentially prompting him to walk unless the other person begins to appreciate him more. That being said, many people argue that relationships should be 50/50, with each partner investing an equal amount of time and energy. But should it always be this way? While I think partners should certainly strive to contribute proportionally, it can't be this way ALL the time. If someone has had a bad day at work or isn't feeling well, it makes sense for one partner to be noticeably more giving for the time being. Then, when the other person suffers a similar fate, they, too, should receive the same treatment. Then there are those cases where both individuals suffer together (e.g., grieving the loss of a mutual friend) and act ...

If I asked you what's the one goal we should aim for in order to ensure a decent life for ourselves, what would you say? While the answers may vary, I would argue that it's moderation more than anything else. Moderation  in our relationships, in our eating habits, in our work and exercise regimen, and so forth. The dictionary defines moderation as the avoidance of excess or extremes, especially in one's behavior or political opinions. Synonyms of moderation include self-restraint, self-discipline, and temperance. In other words, to be moderate is to achieve that happy medium between too little and too much. So what are some examples? Not being too nice, but not being a jerk either. Not eating everything in the fridge, but not starving oneself either. Not being extremely ambitious, but not resting on one's laurels. Not being a compulsive neat freak, but not being a slob.  Not being a spendthrift, but not being parsimonious.  I know what you're...

How many times have you caught yourself ruminating interminably about that blind date you have coming up, that big presentation you're scheduled to deliver at work in a few weeks, or that doctor's appointment you've been pushing back for months now? Overthinking can have corrosive effects on us. Not only does it build anxiety, but it can negatively affect our sleeping routines, eating habits, relationships, and self-esteem. And the worst part about it? Overthinking solves nothing. Sure, a little angst is healthy, but brooding over things that have not yet come to pass won't in any way affect the outcome. Most people will admit to dreaming up doomsday scenarios in their head that never even come to pass. Our negative thoughts, in effect, can run rampant. This can trap us in a vicious cycle that can be very difficult to come out of. When you're anxious, you lose your zest for life. As is the case with depression, you may turn down others' invitations to ...

Have you ever had a friend or partner who's made you feel replaceable? In other words, the other person may have a slew of friends or several people vying for their romantic affections, making you feel as though you're just a number on their list. This doesn't make us feel special or appreciated, no matter how many times -- and how emphatically -- they may claim to value us. We might crave more intimacy with this individual, but their tendency to hop from one person to another may create an emotional void. You might feel far more invested and committed because you have a smaller circle of people in your life. Perhaps you've done this deliberately in an effort to cut down on the drama and prioritize quality over quantity. It's saddening when people take us for granted because they know they have other options. Perhaps you've suggested a relaxing evening at home dining over a good movie, but someone else has suggested plans more to their liking. Ma...

Ah, the famous (or infamous) grass is greener syndrome. We've all fallen prey to it at one point or another. In case you're not certain what it means: When one questions whether the grass is greener on the other side, they contemplate if there are better options out there for them. And, of course, one will never know if the grass is greener -- if circumstances will in fact be more favorable -- unless they take a particular course of action. So a certain element of risk is certainly involved. There are two primary areas where we are confronted with the grass is greener dilemma: jobs and relationships. 1. Jobs: Most of us do not detest our jobs per se, but from time to time, we wonder whether there is something better out there for us. Perhaps we have outgrown our current role and picture ourselves in a higher position, earning more money and receiving better benefits. Or maybe we envision working for a better boss, or at a bigger company, or in a different industry a...

Just because someone in your life doesn't care for you -- or disingenuously says they do, but never shows it -- doesn't mean you should forget about the special people in your life who demonstrably hold you in high esteem. As a matter of fact, it should make you more grateful for the latter than you were before. We've all found ourselves in situations where people we care deeply about don't seem to reciprocate such feelings. Perhaps it's a partner who wants out of the relationship, or a friend who has been taking you for granted. We become so obsessed with trying to rationalize their motives that we may neglect the wonderful people in our lives who have been there for us when we've needed them. In other words, we want what we can't have, and risk losing what we already have. Let's face it. People who genuinely care for us would never put us through such hoops. If someone treats you as disposable -- telegraphing that they have much big...