How to Read People

Many people don't realize just how detrimental a lack of self-disclosure can be to a relationship. How frequently do you share your feelings with your partner? Do they share their feelings with you?  Emotional self-disclosure, the exchange of intimate feelings, is instrumental to a relationship's health. One person speaks, and the other listens intently, provides validation, and demonstrates they care. And vice-versa.  The responsiveness of the listener is integral to self-disclosure, building trust and intimacy.  When people no longer share their feelings with a partner -- or share them with someone else instead -- the partner loses an opportunity to build their relationship and the relationship in turn suffers. When this becomes a habit, it may very well indicate that someone is oriented away from a relationship rather than toward it.  A lack emotional intimacy and transparency tends to characterize relationships between casual lovers or acquaintances. That isn't ...

If you lose someone, but find yourself in the process, guess what? You've won. Maybe it's an ex who walked away because they found you too unexciting or conventional for them. Perhaps it's a friend who stopped responding to your messages once they realized they couldn't control you or get you to validate their every decision. You've likely been in this boat at some point or another. At first, seeing the relationship go down the tubes hits us hard, and we may be apt to blame ourselves. But gradually, we come to realize that it didn't work out for a reason, and rather than inducing sadness in us, that fact brings us a great sense of comfort and relief. It reinforces something that we knew all along, but perhaps never contemplated too deeply: If we try to think or behave like others just to gain their approval, we are essentially selling ourselves out, handing them our self-identity in a bag. Sadly, I've spoken to people who will suppress what m...

Whether it's our partner, a friend, or a relative, we should refrain from idealizing other human beings -- or it may come back to haunt us. Let's start with what "idealizing" means. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, to idealize is to "give an ideal form or value to." In other words, it's the tendency to attribute ideal characteristics to things or people. There are quite a number of situations we can think of in which people regard others as being more perfect than they are in actuality. I'm sure you know at least one person who has taken a stab at online dating (perhaps it was you). The longer two people carry on exchanging pictures and talking on the phone -- without actually meeting in person -- the greater the potential for idealization. Why? Since you've never interacted with the individual in person, all you have to go by is what you've seen on your screen or heard by phone. You are most likely clueless as t...

Relationships go down the road to ruin without a willingness on the part of both partners -- not just one -- to do the following six things: Invest time in the relationship Invest energy in the relationship  Communicate their concerns and address any areas where they feel there is room for improvement  Remain transparent  Love and trust one another  Be understanding rather than judgmental  A relationship is like a car in that it requires routine maintenance. What would happen if you were to stop changing the oil and rotating the tires? It would cease to work properly, right?  The same logic applies to a relationship.  And here's the thing: When a car starts giving you problems, you don't immediately go out and get a new one. Similarly, you shouldn't pull the plug on a relationship without making the effort to resolve whatever problems the two of you are facing. Ending a relationship prematurely would mean giving up on somethin...

The great Albert Einstein once said, "Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." The ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu believed that "if you are depressed, you are living in the past; if you are anxious, you are living in the future; if you are at peace, you are living in the present." Both men echo Francis Bacon Sr., who said, "Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand -- and melting like a snowflake." The gist of these quotes is that we should live in the moment -- otherwise known as mindfulness.  The dictionary defines mindfulness as "a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations." In other words, it involves being cognizant of your physical and emotional state without being judgmental.  Most peopl...

We argue with our significant other. It's a fact of life.  However, we can only hope that our bond will emerge stronger following the tiff -- with both partners poised to take each other's concerns into account and work toward allaying them -- than before. Here's the issue: There's constructive fighting -- where both voice their grievances in a tactful, non-accusatory way, and then there's vicious fighting , an all-out brawl where both individuals stop at nothing to say the nastiest things to one another.  Needless to say, you definitely want to steer clear of the latter if you want to avoid derailing the relationship. It will only cause the fighting to escalate, widening the ever-yawning rift between you and your partner and making you resentful of one another.  One thing many of us do which is a big no-no is the following: Instead of beginning with, "I feel hurt" or "I think you're being unfair," we frame our arguments in ...