At some point, all of us have had a brush with someone intent on making our lives miserable. Perhaps it was a toxic boss, a jaded ex, a shady friend, or even someone within your own family who proved untrustworthy. But guess what? You're still alive. You survived. You emerged with a keener awareness not only of others' motives, but of the immense strength that lies within you. In an ideal world, we would get along with anyone and everyone. People would appreciate us for who we are, whether we own a BMW or a Versa, a small loft or a capacious mansion. They would prize us just the same whether we are meek or outspoken, bookish or adventurous. Alas, behind some nook or cranny is some bitter soul who wishes for their misery to rub off on someone in his or her orbit. No matter how hard we may try to please everyone -- how nice and accommodating we are to others -- someone will always take issue with us. And oftentimes we haven't done a single thing wrong to a...

If you had a choice between being reviled for who you are, or valued for who you're not, which one would you be? Sadly, many people would go with the latter because they're under the misguided impression that we need others' approval in order to feel whole. So they go so far as to take on others' beliefs even if they don't agree with them, and others' interests despite not being drawn to them in the slightest -- all to get in their good graces and feel accepted. But here's the thing: If you feel you have to go to such lengths to cultivate a good relationship with someone, you're in the wrong company. While there's nothing wrong with being flexible on some fronts (e.g., trying out new foods, exploring new activities), if you find yourself fundamentally trying to change the very essence of your character and personality to appease others, something is not right. Never try to be someone you're not just to impress people who, at the end o...

Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962), the longest-serving First Lady in U.S. history, astutely advised people to do as follows: "Do what you feel in your heart to be right -- for you'll be criticized anyway." Essentially, she's saying that no matter what course of action you take, someone will take issue with it. So why not follow your heart and do what makes you happy? Roosevelt would be disheartened to learn that in 2018, over 5 decades after her death, people still get sucked into the "herd mentality" that drives them to seek others' validation. They believe and perpetuate the notion that true happiness lies with others rather than with and inside themselves. She'd quickly realize that social media has a lot to do with it, seeing as how people will post just about anything to amass as many likes and followers as they can. Whether you like football, abstain from drinking, are in a long-distance relationship, have only one child, enjoy travelin...

Worry about your character , not your reputation . Your character is who you are . Your reputation is who people think you are . Stop for a moment and ask yourself this: Do you care more about what you think of yourself, or what people think of you? I sincerely hope it isn't the latter.  For one, no one has ever stepped or walked in your shoes but you. So, really, who are they to judge?  People can perceive you as being a certain way -- whether shy, obnoxious, self-centered, lazy, or dull. But perception, as you well know, isn't always reality. Our individual experiences shape us into the people we are, and people will never know the full extent of those experiences because they weren't there. And even if they were, they didn't live through them exactly as you did.  Why care about what someone thinks about you if they may turn your back on you or leave your life at any moment? Sure, there are people in our lives who mean a great deal to us ...

Know why people judge others? For starters, they seem to forget that they themselves are not perfect. They don't like others to judge them unfairly, and yet that's precisely what they're doing. They live each day under the false premise that they are somehow "better" than others, which entitles them to pass judgment on people they may not even know that well. In the absence of information, they can only go by what they see. So if the person casting a critical eye notices another wearing, say, a "tacky" sweater, they might assume the person is poor or lacks any fashion sense. In the worst cases, they might go a step further and speculate that the person has a lousy love life. As I've noted before, some people try to compensate for their own perceived shortcomings by focusing on those they "detect" in others. In fact, they may even attribute their own flaws and weaknesses to other people -- a defense mechanism known as projection. I...

In the absence of information about you, people resort to passing judgment. To fill in the gaps, they make unfounded assumptions about your personality and character. Here are a couple of examples: Because you're quiet, you must be weird, antisocial, or stuck-up. Because you don't want to have kids, you must be selfish.  Because you don't drink, you must be boring, religious, or uber conservative.  Because you don't eat meat, you must be vegan. Because you relish simplicity and have no interest in flashy gadgets, jewelry, or cars, you must not have a lot of money. Anything that goes against the grain of society tends to be judged harshly. People frown upon those who do or say things that run counter to the so-called herd mentality.  The fact is that you have no obligation whatsoever to justify your views, beliefs, or attitudes to anyone. While they have a right to think as they wish about you, you're entitled to live life as you wish without ...

You see it at work, at the mall, and on Facebook. People seem to have this unbridled compulsion to impress their peers, whether it's through their looks or material possessions. Why should we care for others' validation so strongly? What ever happened to being comfortable in your own skin and not letting others dictate how you look and what you buy? In reality, the only one we should be aiming to impress is ourselves. Instead of comparing ourselves to our coworkers and neighbors, we should compare ourselves to the person we were 6 months or a year ago. That's how you assess whether you've made progress. That's the yardstick against which you should measure whether you've succeeded at whatever it is you've set out to achieve. You are your best judge and critic, so why entrust someone else who's never been in your shoes with that power? There's no harm in fishing for compliments at work or angling for a few likes on Facebook every so ofte...

My psychology blog, How to Understand People , has now garnered a whopping 150,000 views  -- a remarkable feat for a site that came into being only two years ago. I want to thank everyone for reading, commenting on, and resharing my posts. Without my readers' support, I would have never amassed this many hits in such a short period of time. I continue to urge my readers to share these posts with friends and family so that they, too, can benefit from my advice and tips, which touch on subjects ranging from social psychology to relationships to consumer behavior. I also feature intermittent posts that include history fun facts and others that highlight and examine famous quotes from historic figures. Here are 10 of my most popular posts from the last couple of months: Why cheating should never be tolerated Here's a trick to make people like you... Why you should NEVER take back a cheater SECRET: Why people judge you Life is what YOU make of it Do what makes YO...

Our lifestyles are a direct reflection of various factors, including our personalities, jobs, and responsibilities at home. Parents' lives are presumably much busier and more stressful than those of the child-free. Teachers will lead much different lives than doctors, cops face a much different set of pressures than, say, couriers and chefs.  Some of us have more active social lives than our peers. While I have only three really close friends in my life, some people would need more than two hands to count all their buddies.  There are those who embrace a busy, strenuous life, and then there are people like me who prefer a more relaxed, deliberate pace. Neither is necessarily better than the other. We are each wired differently and derive stimulation from disparate sources -- the more introverted among us from reading, writing and other solitary activities, and the rest from social engagements like parties. Some of us go to church, others to sports games.  So...

Many people tell me that looks don't matter to them, whether we're talking about dating, friendships, or merely walking up to someone to ask a question. I can prove otherwise. Consider this for a moment; If you were out on the street and needed to ask someone for directions, who would you approach: a professional-looking gentleman wearing a business suit, a youngster wearing a baseball cap backwards, or an obese woman who looks like she can hardly walk? If you were at an animal shelter, which would you opt for: an adorable newborn kitten, or a 7-year old cat with respiratory problems? Assuming you were a recruiter, who would you rather hire: an inexperienced but very attractive  (think George Clooney attractive) 35-year old, or a highly experienced man who leaves a lot to be desired in the looks department? Be honest here. Don't sugarcoat your answers just to make yourself feel better! Think about what you would really do. As much as I want to believe people w...