I often hear people grumble over not having a Valentine or person to spend the holidays with, even though they acknowledge that singlehood still has its perks.  The biggest dating mistake keeping folks single is choosing the wrong people based on instant chemistry instead of long-term compatibility . Many people rely too heavily on that initial spark—mistaking attraction or excitement for a genuine connection. The initial connection is so infectious that they reason it has to be something deep and meaningful.  But chemistry alone isn't enough to build an enduring relationship. In fact, once the honeymoon phase has passed, both people's flaws and problems come to the fore. It is then you really know whether the relationship is built to last.  The key to breaking this cycle is: - Focusing not just charm or physical attraction, but on shared values and emotional availability  - Paying close attention to consistency over time—does this person follow through on what they ...

If you find yourself falling for someone who won't commit, you might want to put on the brakes before getting in too deep. That is, of course, if you're seeking a serious, long-term relationship. Why might a person refuse to commit? It could be a myriad of reasons. They may have gotten burned by an ex and have resolved to put up protective walls. They may want to retain their independence, whether because of a demanding job or their wanting to hang out with friends. Maybe they have children they wish to prioritize following the passing of their spouse.  Whatever the case, they have every right not to get locked into a commitment they don't want, and you should appreciate it when they're thoughtful enough to come forward from the outset. The problem comes when people vacillate between wanting and not wanting a serious commitment. Maybe they say they don't, but their actions -- from calling you non-stop to kissing and sending you gifts -- convey just the opposite.  Th...

If there's something you should never allow your partner do, it's to treat you like an option rather than like a priority. I've said time and time again that we should never expect our partner to complete us, as only we can achieve that. However, it's fair game to lean toward our partner when: We've had a rotten day and could use a little pick-me-up through their support and encouragement  We've experienced a happy moment or occurrence -- whether a promotion or achievement of some other personal/professional milestone -- and would like to share it with them We're facing a tough challenge or decision and would value their input  But if your partner treats you like you're secondary to other matters or people, you've got a major problem on your hands -- one that needs to be addressed immediately before tensions escalate further. Maybe you've been yearning for a date night with her for months, but says she has to work late or already made plans with ...

I was raised by my mom, grandma, and two older sisters.  Growing up, never did I ever take any interest in the girls at school who tended toward exposing more skin. I always treated them as I would my female family members -- with the utmost courtesy and respect.  And anytime I suspected that a male friend or acquaintance of mine adopted a hump-and-dump attitude toward women, I nixed them from my life. I held men who treated women as objects in very low regard, and still do to this day. If women feel empowered to show off their bodies because they love and work hard on their physique, more power to them. In other words, if they're doing it to please THEMSELVES and no one else, good for them.  However, those who do it specifically to curry men's favor are making a big mistake. It sends the wrong signals and actually makes it less likely that a man will want to stick around for a committed relationship (if that's what you want as anyway).  Granted, if you're not lookin...

The time has come to sever ties with the ones who've done you wrong, with the ones who fail to appreciate all you do for them. Granted, nobody's perfect. We're all guilty of missteps. But if you've done your part to atone for your mistakes and the other person hasn't, it's obvious who places a higher premium on the relationship.  If it's your boss who's toxic and has subjected you to mental and emotional abuse, you need to stop putting off finding a new job. No role -- irrespective of pay, benefits, and other perks -- is worth risking your well-being for!  Those benefits can always be replaced, but as far as your mental wellness, it isn't always automatic (or even guaranteed).  If your partner is abusive in any way, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, you must stop giving them a free pass. Everyone is entitled to respect and dignity.  The longer such behavior carries on, the greater the chance of your mental or emotional state deteriorating...

It's inevitable: Sooner or later, the intense passion that characterized the beginning of the relationship will start to dwindle.  Little things you once thought cute about your significant become a source of annoyance. The end of the so-called honeymoon phase ushers in reality, when both people's flaws are in full view and you actually have to put in effort to sustain your partnership. Gone are the days when love notes and makeout sessions had you on cloud nine and little else mattered. Once couples have to reckon with this natural phase of an aging relationship, some -- especially those who have been together a long time -- quickly panic, taking this to mean the relationship is on its last legs.  But this isn't always the case.  A relationship is only as strong as the effort BOTH partners put into it. This means that, yes, a 10-year-old relationship could actually be healthier than a 10-month-old one.  So what exactly is the secret sauce to keeping a relationship e...

How many people do you encounter on a daily basis who seemingly ooze negativity? They find a problem for every solution. They make mountains out of molehills. They play the role of devil's advocate or contrarian any chance they get.  Negative and dramatic people are a drain on our mental and emotional resources. They thrive on theatrics and do nothing but try to drag us down with them. Misery surely loves company, and they'll stop at nothing until you're down in the dumps with them.  They say you can't change the people around you. But if you think about it, you can in fact  change (as in replace or eliminate) the people who surround you.  It's time to free yourself from the grips of toxic, self-esteem-shattering, soul-destroying individuals! A primary reason why so many of us have a hard time distancing ourselves from negative folks is because we've known them for a long time and have invested so much time and energy into the relationship that we'll do vir...

When asked to think about the most common culprits for a relationship's going south, most people will point to cheating, complacency, and taking one's partner for granted. While these are all valid -- and documented in various posts on this blog -- there are certain habits on the part of partners that may not kill the relationship right away, but cause it to erode more gradually.  Among the most egregious of these is expecting your significant other to be perfect. They pick at your follies any chance they get. Nothing you do is ever good enough. In fact, you will never measure up to an ex, neighbor, or accomplished co-worker.  Perhaps this all sounds a bit familiar.  When you feel as though you're constantly being put under the microscope, it can inflict lasting damage on the relationship and your self-esteem. You're walking on eggshells all the time, praying you don't say or do something that's going to trigger your partner. This is no way to live, let alone ca...

Most of us can point to at least one toxic person in our lives whom we detest but for one reason or another have to put up with. Maybe it's a mercurial boss or meddling in-law, or a friend-of-a-friend who rubs you the wrong way.  Then there are those who perhaps weren't toxic in the beginning but have become so over time -- a friend or partner, perhaps. In such cases, we have the power to cut them loose, but seem unable to pull the trigger. Here's why this can be so difficult:  1 . We still care about them . It isn't easy to part ways cold turkey with someone you've known for a long time -- one you've built special, indelible memories with. Just because they've become a shell of their former self doesn't mean we've lost sense of who and how they were in the beginning.  2. They refuse to let you go . Whether it's that they're possessive or deep down they still hold deep feelings for you, they might stop at nothing to foil your plans to call th...

Chances are you're wondering what on Earth being phubbed even means.  Phubbing is the act of snubbing someone by giving your attention to your phone. In essence, the word combines "phone" and "snub." Phubbing is unquestionably a byproduct of the ubiquitious nature of smart devices. More and more people find themselves glued to their screens, whether at work, the gym, the grocery store, or the movies.  Phubbing can involve deliberately ignoring someone who is attempting to talk to you. But in most cases, snubbing isn't necessarily done in malice. We just get distracted and pay more attention to the phone than the person in front of you.  This behavior, which can easily be construed as rudeness, can have a material impact on relationships. In fact, studies show that people who have been "phubbed" by their romantic partner are more disposed to snoop on their partner’s texts, social media posts, and other digital communications. This is a recipe for tw...

In light of all the reshuffling that Covid has produced in the workplace, there's now a popular phrase being used to describe when workers essentially "check out" and do the least possible to keep their jobs while searching for better opportunities on the down low: quiet quitting.  This had me thinking: Could quiet quitting not also be applied to relationships? Indeed, many of us have been in that unfortunate situation: Our partner unofficially quits on us and the relationship by doing the absolute minimum. Once we confront them about their not pulling their weight, they become defensive if not downright hostile, charging that we're being overdramatic. Easy for them to say, right?  Carrying the entire relationship on one's shoulders is a major cross to bear. When we suspect our partner isn't doing their part, it can be mentally and emotionally devastating.  All kinds of unpleasant thoughts begin to cross our minds. Are they cheating? Are they no longer attract...

I'm often asked how one can determine whether a relationship is worth salvaging, or if it's time to put it out to pasture once and for all.  Let's face it: Relationships are hard. Through their ups and downs, their twists and turns, maintaining them takes a great deal of time and energy.  It's when one or both partners no longer care to invest said time and energy that it may be time to pull the plug.  Because a relationship cannot be carried on only one person's shoulders, and it certainly cannot maintain itself. I've found myself grasping to keep ties with a particular person strong only because of our shared history. But once I realized that they didn't value that history as deeply as I did, I asked myself, "What's the point?" I'm all for doing everything in your power to reinvigorate the relationship before throwing in the towel. But in the process, one must assess whether the other individual is doing their part. Are they initiating ca...

We were all taught back in grade school that we ought to treat others with the same level of respect that we expect in return. Or so I thought. Sadly, some of today's adults were either absent when the lesson was taught, or it fell entirely on deaf ears. I've run across many people -- whether in school, the workplace, or elsewhere -- who think this so-called Golden Rule doesn't apply to them. They believe they have agency to treat others like dirt -- all while expecting those very people to shower them with kindness and civility.  This plays out all the time at work with toxic bosses who go on unrestrained power trips. They think that just because they possess the ability to fire their subordinates, they should be groveled to. In their minds, expletives are fair game and borderline abusive behavior is permissible.  A similar dynamic can be observed in some relationships. Whether it's because they're better looking, far wealthier, or more socially connected, some ind...

Studies show that fewer positive non-verbal behaviors exchanged between you and your partner-- including smiling, leaning in, a pat on the back, and a wink -- may portend trouble in your relationship. Indeed, "how" you say something appears to reveal more than "what" you say.  Chances are, you've heard over the years that most communication is nonverbal, and this study bears that out. An analysis of the predictive power of non-verbal and verbal behaviors demonstrated that positive non-verbal behaviors predict higher relationship satisfaction later on.  This should come as no surprise. After all, people can conceal their true motives and feelings by lying (verbal), but it isn't as easy to fake their body language (nonverbal). Our gestures (or lack thereof) and overall posture tend to give away whether we're feeling happy and engaged or bored and dissatisfied. If few to no positive non-verbal behaviors are evident, it likely suggests a fissure in the relat...

Steer clear of those who fail to reciprocate the kindness and respect you grant them. Perhaps you've given them ample opportunities to clean up their act, to no avail. Maybe you've held out this long because you saw potential in the relationship or anticipated they might change. Or perhaps relations only recently broke down.  The fact of the matter is that everyone deserves to be treated in a kind, gracious matter.  The whole point of being in a relationship -- whether friendly or romantic -- is to experience/exchange love, warmth, loyalty, and respect. If the relationship is devoid of these, there's really no point to it.  If you're not being treated fairly, you have to question why. If it's something you did, presumably you issued an apology at some point that was accepted. He or she could have very well kicked you out of their life at that point rather than string you along as a form of retribution. And if you've done nothing wrong, perhaps you're being t...

Many people don't realize just how detrimental a lack of self-disclosure can be to a relationship. How frequently do you share your feelings with your partner? Do they share their feelings with you?  Emotional self-disclosure, the exchange of intimate feelings, is instrumental to a relationship's health. One person speaks, and the other listens intently, provides validation, and demonstrates they care. And vice-versa.  The responsiveness of the listener is integral to self-disclosure, building trust and intimacy.  When people no longer share their feelings with a partner -- or share them with someone else instead -- the partner loses an opportunity to build their relationship and the relationship in turn suffers. When this becomes a habit, it may very well indicate that someone is oriented away from a relationship rather than toward it.  A lack emotional intimacy and transparency tends to characterize relationships between casual lovers or acquaintances. That isn't ...

It isn't always easy to kiss someone in your life goodbye. When it comes to toxic folks who put our happiness at risk, however, it should be a no brainer.  Naturally, we want to surround ourselves with individuals who make us laugh, help us grow, and stand by us in good times and bad ones.  But it's inevitable that, along the way, we will encounter some rotten eggs -- those who seemingly can't bear the thought of anyone but them being happy.  Jettison people in your life who are corrosive to your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Whether it's a friend, partner, relative, or acquaintance, there is no place in your orbit for somebody who's bent on making you miserable. Life is too short for that, and you deserve better. I've have had to sever ties with friends -- or so I thought they were friends -- who ended up turning against me.  Perhaps they were jealous of my good grades or other friends whom they felt threatened by. Whatever the reason, I pulled th...

Though they sound similar enough, being desired and being needed aren't one and the same.  Here are a few examples that convey desire: "I love it when you wear that outfit." "Going to the beach is always more fun when you join me." "I wish you were here cuddling with me and keeping me warm." Your charm and intellect drive me crazy." Now, let's look at a couple of examples that hint at needing someone: "My life stinks when you're not here."  "I don't feel whole unless you're around." "I need you to lift me up." "I can always count on you to fix my problems." Sidenote: By "needing" someone, I'm not talking about, say, having them help you walk or give you food after a major surgery. I mean it more generally, in the context of a person's emotional well-being.  So, going back to the bullet points outlined above, what do you notice distinguishes one set from the other? The first ...

When someone tells you they're not ready or interested in a relationship right now, what should you do? Should you take them at their word? Should you still make an effort to change their mind? The answer should be obvious: Do not commit to someone who isn't inclined to commit to you. You don't want to invest time, energy, and feelings in someone who just wants a no-strings-attached kind of deal. If that's what you desire as well, fine. But if you're past the casual flings and yearn for something more substantive, you shouldn't bother with these folks.  You should consider yourself fortunate if the person tells you upfront that they're not interested in something serious. That affords you the opportunity to move on and look for someone whose plans align with yours. In some cases, people will feign interest in a long-term commitment just to get into the other person's bed or wallet. Everything seems kosher until subjects like meeting one another's par...

Contrary to popular opinion, walking away doesn't signal weakness on your part. It doesn't mean you're quitting on the relationship.  The truth of the matter is that we often walk away when we perceive the other person as having lost interest and given up. When you've exhausted all options -- from having frank conversations to trying to vivify the relationship by trying out new things to suggesting counseling -- you yourself are left so emotionally drained that you have nothing else left to give.  Failed relationships are usually the product of only one partner (or, in the worst cases, neither) investing time and energy in the other person. This can be challenging for some people because you have to be very intentional about it -- carving out time for your partner, coming up with ways to infuse life into the relationship, and so on. But most people use work, the kids, and other items on their To Do List as reasons for not being on the ball.  If your conscience tells you...