How to Read People

The texts become less and less frequent.  Plans feel as though they're never set in stone (if they don't fall through altogether).  The tone mood changes from joyful to tenuous.   When someone starts pulling away, the shift is usually subtle at first, but gets more noticeable over time. What makes it so unsettling isn’t always the distance itself, but the confusion.  You start replaying conversations in your head, wondering what changed, and feeling the urge to fix it before it slips further away. But nailing down what exactly ought to be fixed becomes a challenge in itself. Before long, you're blaming yourself, wondering if you did something to cause this palpable distance.  Pulling back typically means one of a few things.  Sometimes it’s about the other person’s discomfort with closeness. As intimacy builds, vulnerability increases — and not everyone is good at regulating that. For some, especially those with more avoidant tendencies because of pas...

Attention hopeless romantics -- and, yes, I'm saying this with Valentine's Day on our doorstep -- if you've been trying for a while now to secure a guy's commitment to no avail, it's time to sit down and reassess the situation.  I'm a guy myself and have been in this situation, so I know exactly how painful unrequited love can be.  Here's the hard truth: Sometimes “not ready” means "not ready for you."  Many moons ago, before I got with my now-wife, a girl I was head over heels for was never ready to settle down with me, yet she didn't want me out of her life completely either. As it turns out, she was talking to someone else all along, whom she later partnered up and had kids with.  It's obvious what her endgame was: To keep me around for the attention (especially if she ever broke up or got into a spat with the guy). She wanted the cake and she wanted to eat it, too.  In your case, it could mean he enjoys the benefits without commitment, ...

We all love the sappy Hollywood ending where the good guy gets the girl, even after she initially falls for the jerk/villain.  It's too bad that real life often doesn't play out this way. The one thing that many women find irresistible in bad boys is their confidence.  Sure, oftentimes they're just faking it, but this doesn't became apparent until later.  The other day, as I was reflecting on my primary and secondary school days, it suddenly hit me: All the guys who girls were typically drawn to were either: 1. Athletes 2. Troublemakers 3. Much older 4. Some combination of the above But not usually academic standouts like me -- the well-behaved kind who just liked to chill at home or with friends after school/on the weekends. To be fair, there are always exceptions. But by and large, most attractive girls (and even ones that might not be considered 10s by any stretch) followed this pattern.  Chances are, the reasons girls chase after bad boys boils down to one or mor...

Most relationships don’t fall apart overnight. They erode gradually, often in ways neither person notices at first.  The real damage doesn’t always come from incessant fighting, cheating, or even falling out of love. More often, it comes from a silent, menacing killer that poisons the connection between two people. And it doesn't matter whether the pair have been together two months, two years, or even two decades. This scourge has the potential to destroy partnerships weak and strong.  So, what is it? It’s the expectation that your partner should act, feel, and think the way you do. At first glance, it seems harmless — even logical. If something makes sense to you, shouldn’t it make sense to them as well? If you would react a particular way, isn’t it fair to expect they would too? But that mindset is a trap. It sets up an impossible standard where your partner can never win —because they’re not you. This expectation surfaces in subtle ways: You get frustrate...

Let’s be real: no relationship is perfect, and we can all vouch for this in our lives. Every couple argues, gets on each other’s nerves, and has off days. But sometimes, things evolve in a way that goes deeper than little disagreements. That’s when relationships cease feeling fulfilling and start to feel draining. Here are a few of the biggest ways relationships can suck — and what to do about them. 1. Communication Turns Into a Battlefield When every conversation ends in defensiveness, sarcasm, or raised voices, the relationship starts to feel more like a war zone than a partnership.  It’s not just about what’s said — it’s how it’s said. If both sides stop listening, resentment takes the wheel and drives the relationship off a cliff.  Maybe Pat Benatar was onto something when she said that love is a battlefield.  Fix: Slow down and take a deep breath. Choose your words with care, and watch your tone. Listen more than you speak. And if you can’t talk withou...

We all want to believe the best in people.  It feels good to think that those who smile at us, cheer us on, and stick around are truly on our side.  But the truth is, not everyone in your circle has your best interests at heart. Some people wear masks — pretending to care, pretending to listen, pretending to be genuine — while secretly harboring envy, selfish motives, or just plain dishonesty. The danger isn’t just that fake people waste your time. They can sabotage your goals, deplete your energy, and even wreck your self-esteem if you permit them to remain in your life unchecked.  The key is learning to spot the red flags early so you can protect yourself before the damage is done. Red Flags You Shouldn't Ignore 1. Their support feels conditional. Fake people are easy to find when things are going well — but when you stumble, they seemingly vanish into thin air. If someone only applauds you at your highs but disappears during your lows, pay close attention. This signal...

If you observe any of these behaviors in people around you -- whether a partner, friend, or co-worker -- it's an unequivocal signal that you've got a toxic problem on your hands -- no ifs or buts about it!  1. They consistently make you doubt YOUR  own reality.  Better known as gaslighting, if someone twists facts to make you feel wrong or crazy, that’s manipulation, not miscommunication. Trust your instincts and know when to call people out on their BS!  2. They celebrate your failures or secretly root AGAINST your success. A real friend or partner supports you. They want you to thrive irrespective of their own successes. If someone revels in your setbacks, however, they don't have your best interests at heart -- they’re just plain toxic! 3. They cross your boundaries after you’ve made them LOUD and CLEAR. Mistakes can happen once, but repeatedly ignoring your boundaries is deliberate. Whether it's the male colleague who persists in getting all handsy or the friend ...

I often hear people grumble over not having a Valentine or person to spend the holidays with, even though they acknowledge that singlehood still has its perks.  The biggest dating mistake keeping folks single is choosing the wrong people based on instant chemistry instead of long-term compatibility . Many people rely too heavily on that initial spark—mistaking attraction or excitement for a genuine connection. The initial connection is so infectious that they reason it has to be something deep and meaningful.  But chemistry alone isn't enough to build an enduring relationship. In fact, once the honeymoon phase has passed, both people's flaws and problems come to the fore. It is then you really know whether the relationship is built to last.  The key to breaking this cycle is: - Focusing not just charm or physical attraction, but on shared values and emotional availability  - Paying close attention to consistency over time—does this person follow through on what they ...

If you find yourself falling for someone who won't commit, you might want to put on the brakes before getting in too deep. That is, of course, if you're seeking a serious, long-term relationship. Why might a person refuse to commit? It could be a myriad of reasons. They may have gotten burned by an ex and have resolved to put up protective walls. They may want to retain their independence, whether because of a demanding job or their wanting to hang out with friends. Maybe they have children they wish to prioritize following the passing of their spouse.  Whatever the case, they have every right not to get locked into a commitment they don't want, and you should appreciate it when they're thoughtful enough to come forward from the outset. The problem comes when people vacillate between wanting and not wanting a serious commitment. Maybe they say they don't, but their actions -- from calling you non-stop to kissing and sending you gifts -- convey just the opposite.  Th...

If there's something you should never allow your partner do, it's to treat you like an option rather than like a priority. I've said time and time again that we should never expect our partner to complete us, as only we can achieve that. However, it's fair game to lean toward our partner when: We've had a rotten day and could use a little pick-me-up through their support and encouragement  We've experienced a happy moment or occurrence -- whether a promotion or achievement of some other personal/professional milestone -- and would like to share it with them We're facing a tough challenge or decision and would value their input  But if your partner treats you like you're secondary to other matters or people, you've got a major problem on your hands -- one that needs to be addressed immediately before tensions escalate further. Maybe you've been yearning for a date night with her for months, but says she has to work late or already made plans with ...

I was raised by my mom, grandma, and two older sisters.  Growing up, never did I ever take any interest in the girls at school who tended toward exposing more skin. I always treated them as I would my female family members -- with the utmost courtesy and respect.  And anytime I suspected that a male friend or acquaintance of mine adopted a hump-and-dump attitude toward women, I nixed them from my life. I held men who treated women as objects in very low regard, and still do to this day. If women feel empowered to show off their bodies because they love and work hard on their physique, more power to them. In other words, if they're doing it to please THEMSELVES and no one else, good for them.  However, those who do it specifically to curry men's favor are making a big mistake. It sends the wrong signals and actually makes it less likely that a man will want to stick around for a committed relationship (if that's what you want as anyway).  Granted, if you're not lookin...

The time has come to sever ties with the ones who've done you wrong, with the ones who fail to appreciate all you do for them. Granted, nobody's perfect. We're all guilty of missteps. But if you've done your part to atone for your mistakes and the other person hasn't, it's obvious who places a higher premium on the relationship.  If it's your boss who's toxic and has subjected you to mental and emotional abuse, you need to stop putting off finding a new job. No role -- irrespective of pay, benefits, and other perks -- is worth risking your well-being for!  Those benefits can always be replaced, but as far as your mental wellness, it isn't always automatic (or even guaranteed).  If your partner is abusive in any way, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, you must stop giving them a free pass. Everyone is entitled to respect and dignity.  The longer such behavior carries on, the greater the chance of your mental or emotional state deteriorating...

It's inevitable: Sooner or later, the intense passion that characterized the beginning of the relationship will start to dwindle.  Little things you once thought cute about your significant become a source of annoyance. The end of the so-called honeymoon phase ushers in reality, when both people's flaws are in full view and you actually have to put in effort to sustain your partnership. Gone are the days when love notes and makeout sessions had you on cloud nine and little else mattered. Once couples have to reckon with this natural phase of an aging relationship, some -- especially those who have been together a long time -- quickly panic, taking this to mean the relationship is on its last legs.  But this isn't always the case.  A relationship is only as strong as the effort BOTH partners put into it. This means that, yes, a 10-year-old relationship could actually be healthier than a 10-month-old one.  So what exactly is the secret sauce to keeping a relationship e...

How many people do you encounter on a daily basis who seemingly ooze negativity? They find a problem for every solution. They make mountains out of molehills. They play the role of devil's advocate or contrarian any chance they get.  Negative and dramatic people are a drain on our mental and emotional resources. They thrive on theatrics and do nothing but try to drag us down with them. Misery surely loves company, and they'll stop at nothing until you're down in the dumps with them.  They say you can't change the people around you. But if you think about it, you can in fact  change (as in replace or eliminate) the people who surround you.  It's time to free yourself from the grips of toxic, self-esteem-shattering, soul-destroying individuals! A primary reason why so many of us have a hard time distancing ourselves from negative folks is because we've known them for a long time and have invested so much time and energy into the relationship that we'll do vir...

When asked to think about the most common culprits for a relationship's going south, most people will point to cheating, complacency, and taking one's partner for granted. While these are all valid -- and documented in various posts on this blog -- there are certain habits on the part of partners that may not kill the relationship right away, but cause it to erode more gradually.  Among the most egregious of these is expecting your significant other to be perfect. They pick at your follies any chance they get. Nothing you do is ever good enough. In fact, you will never measure up to an ex, neighbor, or accomplished co-worker.  Perhaps this all sounds a bit familiar.  When you feel as though you're constantly being put under the microscope, it can inflict lasting damage on the relationship and your self-esteem. You're walking on eggshells all the time, praying you don't say or do something that's going to trigger your partner. This is no way to live, let alone ca...

Most of us can point to at least one toxic person in our lives whom we detest but for one reason or another have to put up with. Maybe it's a mercurial boss or meddling in-law, or a friend-of-a-friend who rubs you the wrong way.  Then there are those who perhaps weren't toxic in the beginning but have become so over time -- a friend or partner, perhaps. In such cases, we have the power to cut them loose, but seem unable to pull the trigger. Here's why this can be so difficult:  1 . We still care about them . It isn't easy to part ways cold turkey with someone you've known for a long time -- one you've built special, indelible memories with. Just because they've become a shell of their former self doesn't mean we've lost sense of who and how they were in the beginning.  2. They refuse to let you go . Whether it's that they're possessive or deep down they still hold deep feelings for you, they might stop at nothing to foil your plans to call th...

Chances are you're wondering what on Earth being phubbed even means.  Phubbing is the act of snubbing someone by giving your attention to your phone. In essence, the word combines "phone" and "snub." Phubbing is unquestionably a byproduct of the ubiquitious nature of smart devices. More and more people find themselves glued to their screens, whether at work, the gym, the grocery store, or the movies.  Phubbing can involve deliberately ignoring someone who is attempting to talk to you. But in most cases, snubbing isn't necessarily done in malice. We just get distracted and pay more attention to the phone than the person in front of you.  This behavior, which can easily be construed as rudeness, can have a material impact on relationships. In fact, studies show that people who have been "phubbed" by their romantic partner are more disposed to snoop on their partner’s texts, social media posts, and other digital communications. This is a recipe for tw...

In light of all the reshuffling that Covid has produced in the workplace, there's now a popular phrase being used to describe when workers essentially "check out" and do the least possible to keep their jobs while searching for better opportunities on the down low: quiet quitting.  This had me thinking: Could quiet quitting not also be applied to relationships? Indeed, many of us have been in that unfortunate situation: Our partner unofficially quits on us and the relationship by doing the absolute minimum. Once we confront them about their not pulling their weight, they become defensive if not downright hostile, charging that we're being overdramatic. Easy for them to say, right?  Carrying the entire relationship on one's shoulders is a major cross to bear. When we suspect our partner isn't doing their part, it can be mentally and emotionally devastating.  All kinds of unpleasant thoughts begin to cross our minds. Are they cheating? Are they no longer attract...

I'm often asked how one can determine whether a relationship is worth salvaging, or if it's time to put it out to pasture once and for all.  Let's face it: Relationships are hard. Through their ups and downs, their twists and turns, maintaining them takes a great deal of time and energy.  It's when one or both partners no longer care to invest said time and energy that it may be time to pull the plug.  Because a relationship cannot be carried on only one person's shoulders, and it certainly cannot maintain itself. I've found myself grasping to keep ties with a particular person strong only because of our shared history. But once I realized that they didn't value that history as deeply as I did, I asked myself, "What's the point?" I'm all for doing everything in your power to reinvigorate the relationship before throwing in the towel. But in the process, one must assess whether the other individual is doing their part. Are they initiating ca...

We were all taught back in grade school that we ought to treat others with the same level of respect that we expect in return. Or so I thought. Sadly, some of today's adults were either absent when the lesson was taught, or it fell entirely on deaf ears. I've run across many people -- whether in school, the workplace, or elsewhere -- who think this so-called Golden Rule doesn't apply to them. They believe they have agency to treat others like dirt -- all while expecting those very people to shower them with kindness and civility.  This plays out all the time at work with toxic bosses who go on unrestrained power trips. They think that just because they possess the ability to fire their subordinates, they should be groveled to. In their minds, expletives are fair game and borderline abusive behavior is permissible.  A similar dynamic can be observed in some relationships. Whether it's because they're better looking, far wealthier, or more socially connected, some ind...