Being the social creatures that we are, we all want people to like us. We all want to be in people's good graces. After all, it opens the door to new job or relationship possibilities, so why not?  The danger comes when you aim to impress someone to feel better about yourself -- when being "you" just isn't good enough. This creates the potential for losing your identity entirely in the process. Rather than living your most authentic life so that those who value you for who you are come along for the ride, you're bending over backwards to fit into the mold of how others want to perceive you. See the difference? For example, I know a great many people who aren't materialistic by nature, but they tote around expensive handbags and drive luxurious cars just so that they gain gain others' approval. Somewhere along the way, they bought into the misguided notion that projecting wealth will earn the respect of others, as if their positive feelings for fancy brand...

It goes without saying that toxic people can be corrosive to our mental and emotional satisfaction. The longer they remain in our lives and the more time we spend with them, the higher the risk it poses to our well-being.  Stop for a moment to consider who in your life you'd deem toxic: Is it a boss or co-worker who has a knack for humiliating you at work? Is it a friend who talks smack behind your back?  Or is it even your own partner, whose comments about your physical appearance border on the abusive? Perhaps you might have multiple toxic folks in your personal and professional life. Such relationships can be awfully difficult to navigate, but with the right tools, you can neutralize their power and walk away stronger and more resilient.  The damage toxic people can inflict  Toxic people can undercut our self-esteem and diminish our feelings of self-worth. The more they repeat things like "you're not worth it" to us, the more likely we are to come to believe them....

We all know how easily toxic people -- with their knack for negativity and gossip -- can throw a monkey wrench into our days.  But what if we leveraged that toxicity to our benefit? How, you ask? There's a myriad of ways to do this. Among them are these:  1. When they say you can't accomplish something, do you let their words derail your hopes and dreams? No, you use them to further  fuel your motivation to accomplish your goals. After all, who are they to judge? 2. When they criticize you for your style of dress, interests, or any other facet of your personality, do you scramble to change? No, you double down on preserving what makes you unique, which in turn will build self-confidence and boost your self-esteem. 2. When they disrespect you, whether by spewing outright lies or demeaning your character, do you turn around and do the same to them? No, you're better than that. You stand up for yourself, firmly if civilly, without hurling insults. This will equip you with th...

I feel many people have a misguided sense of what a partner's role should be.  They assume a partner is there to fix their every problem, to complete them.  But this is erroneous thinking and could very well lead the relationship down a dangerous path.  Relationships can promote personal growth and help individuals fulfill their own goals. For example, your partner can help you become a better person by teaching you how to play the guitar; taking you to the local museum to explore immersive exhibits; and opening your eyes to new perspectives, like benefits of eating more veggies and less red meat.  The idea that a relationship can help an individual become a better person is a phenomenon termed self-expansion. Indeed, relationships that provide more expansion are tend to be of higher quality. But this needn't be mistaken with relying on a partner to allay your every concern, resolve your every dilemma, and continually boost your self-esteem.  We need to take res...

Here's a big relationship no-no: Never hook up with Someone who only values your looks, bank account, or both.  I know what you're thinking: With some people, this isn't easy to tell in the beginning being that they can do a great job of masking their real intentions.  For example, you may have once dated someone whose penchant for gold-digging may not have become evident until two years after you began dating. Or, you may not have picked up on your boyfriend's aim to use you for only one thing until after the honeymoon phase passed. Fair enough.  Some individuals can be awfully deceptive. But as soon as they show their true colors, I implore you not to wait until they change (which is unlikely to happen) -- let alone embark to change them yourself. Just end it -- plain and simple -- before you become any more invested.  A partner worth keeping is one who covets what lies beneath more than they do the superficial. And that's because what lies deep within is what mak...

There's a very thin line between being nice and allowing oneself to be a complete doormat -- a line many kind-hearted people struggle to identify.  Here are a few indicators that you probably should tone down the niceness factor just a little bit: 1. No matter how many t imes people let you down, you continue to issue them free passes.  All it takes is an ostensibly heart-felt apology for you to take someone back. Perhaps you're still with your boyfriend even after he cheated on you three times. Maybe you've kept in your life an old friend who has been spotted talking behind your back on a number of occasions. It's important to recognize that saying sorry means nothing if the person repeats the very behavior they express contrition for.  2. You constantly put others' needs and wishes before your own.  One thing is to help out those who find themselves in a real bind. Another is to bend over backwards for them at the expense of your own happiness, even when their...

A study published just this year reveals many of the motives people give for cheating on their partner. And though they may claim that they were justified in their decision to do so, nothing they can see can give them a free pass because cheating is wrong in every sense of the word. 1. Falling out of love: Over three quarters (77%) of participants indicated that a lack of love for their partner and/or greater love for someone else prompted them to stray. 2. Seeking variety: Nearly 75% of respondents cited boredom in their relationship as a factor that drove them to cheat. More men tied variety-seeking to their infidelity than did women. 3. Feeling neglected: Participants (70%) revealed that their partner's lack of attention ultimately led to their wandering eye. This reason was offered by more women than men. 4.  Situational factors: Roughly 70% of participants said their infidelity wasn't necessary premeditated and/or carried out due to discontent in the relationsh...

According to research conducted at Georgetown University, social media tends to leave people lonelier and more depressed. You're probably thinking it all sounds, well, counterintuitive. After all, we all enjoy receiving likes and compliments on sites like Facebook, so it would seem like social media should improve one's mood and bolster self-esteem. Likes and comments do in fact promote small rushes of dopamine. But the study revealed that these tiny boosts don't come anywhere close to compensating for the large loss experienced by no longer spending real-world time with the person in question. The researchers note that smartphones have a way of cultivating behavioral addictions. People may not necessarily wish to spend so much time online, but between flashy games, humorous memes, and content posted by our buddies, we become inextricably sucked in -- often resulting in physical, mental, and spiritual exhaustion. Those who embrace what researchers have dubbe...

Have you ever wondered how narcissists manage to make good first impressions on us? Indeed, when we first meet people who later turn out to be narcissistic, they strike us as elegant, charming, and fun to be around. But over time, such positive impressions turn sour when we realize that these individuals are majorly self-absorbed and insensitive. Just how do narcissists manage to deceive us in this way? According to research, they're well-regarded at first because we mistake their arrogance for high self-esteem. As I've noted in earlier posts, there's a fine line between these characteristics. And when we're first getting to know someone, we want to give them the benefit of the doubt, so we perceive them as confident and high in self-worth. When sifting through photos of college students who'd completed narcissism and self-esteem scales, participants in four experiments rated those who scored highest on narcissism most likeable and highest in self-este...

Have you ever stayed in a relationship a lot longer than you should have? While hindsight is always instructive, many people would admit that they began seeing the red flags early on, but decided to turn a blind eye. But why would people do this? As I've noted in prior entries, people could do it for a variety of reasons, including: The fear of being alone They have a long history with the person There are kids in the picture Financial dependency A low self-esteem Fear of change/a reluctance to start anew  Beyond that , they think their partner has the potential to be a better person. This brings me to two mistakes I've touched upon in earlier posts that people with their heart in the right place tend to make: 1. They set their expectations of the other person too high. 2. They set out to help "change" or "save" them. The higher you set your expectations of other people, the greater the chances of being disappointed.  As ...

Never should we allow others to undervalue us -- nor should we let ourselves do it. At the end of the day, the only opinion about yourself that is completely accurate -- the sole assessment that really matters -- is your own. Self-worth, or self-esteem, results from our striving to treat ourselves with the love, care, compassion, and respect we deserve. Your self-worth can only be determined by you because it comes from within. The higher your self-esteem, the happier you are. And as I've stressed in my other posts, happiness emanates from inside of us. It's obvious that not everyone we come across in our lives -- from partners and friends to bosses -- will realize our worth. Still, that should never decrease our value in our own eyes. In relationships in which we don't feel valued, we have the option to address our feelings with the other person. If that doesn't bear fruit, we must decide whether the individual deserves a place in our lives. Now, this do...

Want to know the most ironic thing about those who are full of themselves? It's that people who are full of themselves are mostly empty on the inside.  If someone is heavily preoccupied with themselves, it can only mean that they're aiming to compensate for something they perceive as lacking. They can't quite put a finger on what's missing, so what do they do? Spend hundreds of dollars and countless hours on clothing, makeup, cars, and the like. So what might these people be trying to compensate for? It could include: Low self-esteem A sagging level of confidence Loneliness Feeling as though their life lacks direction  It's no surprise that many people who were perceived as bad boys/girls in their younger years later admit that they were the farthest thing away from tough and confident.  They simply rebelled as a way of channeling the discontent they felt about and in their lives. Let us make a clear distinction between confidence and co...

Has anyone -- whether it be your partner, friend, relative, neighbor, or boss -- done you wrong this year? If so, heed this important end-of-year tip: Let it go . Start 2019 with a clean slate. Don't carry other people's drama and negativity with you into the new year. Let your hopes and dreams crowd out your fears and worries. Sure, we can never rid ourselves of all our concerns, but why not start the new year on a high note? If you can't excise from your life the people bringing you grief, e.g., your toxic boss, make it a New Year's resolution not to get hung up on their every word or move. Refuse to allow these people to sour your mood, lower your self-esteem, and eat away at your mental well-being. If we're not careful, we can become trapped in a vicious circle of questioning people's motives, possibly blaming ourselves in the process: Why did they yell at me over the phone? Why haven't they answered my texts? Why did they seem to ...

Relationships don't die a natural death. Their demise is brought on by selfishness, lies, neglect, and a lack of compassion and consideration toward one's partner.  In some relationships, only one partner is responsible for causing a rift, and in others, both partners are to blame. Unfortunately, some people expect their partner to do all the heavy lifting, leaving the other physically, mentally, and emotionally drained and effectively running the relationship into the ground.  If people don't want to do their fair share, why enter into a relationship at all? A relationship is a partnership between two individuals. Both of them invest in, maintain, and enhance the relationship so that each feels they're not just reaping benefits, but dispensing them to the other as well. In most cases, both partners put in comparable effort in the early stages of dating as they're getting to know one another.  It's when complacency begins to set in ...

Whether you've been with someone for a long time or only just recently began dating them, you may find yourself doing just about everything you can to keep the relationship strong. Sadly, not everyone is similarly disposed. Staying in a relationship makes no sense when you are the only one investing in it -- physically, mentally, and emotionally. Relationships cannot maintain themselves. Just like an air conditioner or refrigerator can't operate without routine maintenance, a relationship is not self-sustaining. Moreover, it isn't fair for only one person to shoulder all the work. Each partner deserves to feel loved and appreciated. Each person should feel as though the other has their best interests at heart. Sticking around and hoping they'll change is not a risk worth taking when they've shown time and time again that what you see is what you'll get. They don't have to say a word; their actions prove that either they're in the relationsh...

We've all been there: Someone who we trust deeply stabs us in the back, and our world comes crashing down in an instant. We may be in denial at first, refusing to accept the fact that someone so near and dear to us could fritter away our trust. Once we come to terms with what has occurred, we may find it difficult to confide in anyone again for a while. Perhaps you discovered that your partner cheated on you. Maybe you caught your coworker spreading rumors about you behind your back. Or, you realized that your friend of 20 years has been stealing money from you. No matter the form of deception, it can be devastating. In the worst cases, such events can wreak havoc on one's self-esteem, leading to depression and other negative health outcomes. So what happens next? As the victim, that's really up to you. You were wronged and can pursue whatever course of action you deem fair. If he or she displays genuine remorse -- including a sincere apology that feels like it...

Whether you're nervous about a presentation you're slated to make before investors, worried about lab results following a doctor's visit, or freaking out about a blind date you have coming up, does it benefit you in any way to think the very worst? Absolutely not! As soon as a situation presents itself that forces us out of our comfort zone, for many of us a sense of pessimism kicks in immediately. We assume we're going to bomb the presentation. We convince ourselves the lab results will reveal something serious. We anticipate the date will be a total disaster. Seeing the glass as half empty erodes our confidence and can even do a number on our self-esteem. It's normal to feel a little anxiety in such situations, but getting extremely worked up won't help matters at all. Instead, we need to force ourselves to consider alternative -- and decidedly positive -- scenarios. Who says things can't things go smoothly? Chances are you've been in...

Whatever makes you happy, do more of it today. Whatever brings a smile to your face, do more of it today. Whatever you're passionate about, do more of it today. Whatever you enjoy fighting for, do more of it today. Whatever lifts your spirits, do more of it today. Whatever makes you grateful to live another day, do more of it today. Whatever makes you feel energized, do more of it today. Whatever enhances your well-being, do more of it today. Whatever bolsters your self-esteem, do more of it today. Whatever brings you closer to those you love the most, do it today. Whatever makes you laugh, do more of it today. Whatever enlivens your day, do more of it today. Life is short. Why put off until tomorrow doing the things that give your life meaning and purpose? Whether you love reading, writing, cooking, playing the guitar, volunteering at the local shelter, playing video games, or traveling to a new hotspot every so often, never cease doing the things you l...

We should all prioritize being around that rare breed of people who do one specific thing: bring out the best in us . We know we're in good company when we feel comfortable, relaxed, intelligent, self-confident and, most importantly, happy. That's why we should strive to be around those who elicit these favorable qualities in us. That doesn't mean these individuals can't provide constructive criticism. Sometimes we need those we care about to give it to us straight when we neglect to notice or confront our shortcomings ourselves. But there's a marked difference between offering constructive feedback for your own good that comes from the heart and putting someone down to feel better about themselves. The latter group is the type we should distance ourselves from. Sometimes, though, we go through tough moments where the only one there for us is ourselves. It's during these difficult times that we must count on ourselves for pep talks; we become our own b...

How great does it feel after losing 10...15...30 pounds?  No one would dispute that it feels phenomenal. However, I've observed that such feelings give way to cockiness in some people. Admittedly, that happened to me when I lost 25 pounds a couple of years ago. My face looked thinner. My tummy had all but disappeared. Some of my clothes was looking huge on me, forcing me to go a size or two smaller. Now that I was wearing more fitted clothing, I noticed more looks from women -- whether at work, restaurants, or the mall. This is what gave me the ultimate high and motivated to continue working out and losing weight. Now, I'm a happily married man and never even entertained the thought of doing anything more than smiling at these women. Still, the fact they were fancying me in this way -- a confirmation that they were digging something about my physical appearance -- made me feel really good about myself. My self-worth must have hit astronomical levels that year. I sta...