Why being too nice to some people can backfire

There's a very thin line between being nice and allowing oneself to be a complete doormat -- a line many kind-hearted people struggle to identify.

Here are a few indicators that you probably should tone down the niceness factor just a little bit:

1. No matter how many times people let you down, you continue to issue them free passes.

All it takes is an ostensibly heart-felt apology for you to take someone back. Perhaps you're still with your boyfriend even after he cheated on you three times. Maybe you've kept in your life an old friend who has been spotted talking behind your back on a number of occasions.

It's important to recognize that saying sorry means nothing if the person repeats the very behavior they express contrition for.

2. You constantly put others' needs and wishes before your own.

One thing is to help out those who find themselves in a real bind. Another is to bend over backwards for them at the expense of your own happiness, even when their situation is not at all serious.

For example, maybe you've missed class several times so you can give your friend a ride, even though she very easily could have called for an Uber.

If you pour all of yourself into others, you'll be left with little to nothing for yourself. A life where your happiness goes by the wayside is no doubt unsustainable.

3. You allow yourself to be taken for granted because of low self-esteem or a fear of loneliness.

Some people would rather be taken advantage of than be left feeling lonely or unneeded. They convince themselves that the other person may come off as ungrateful now, but that they'll soon come around.

The irony is that you may actually end up feeling lonelier around such individuals than by dedicating time to yourself.

The bottom line: No one wishes to be mean to others (at least not anyone worth being around).

The good thing is that there's a middle ground between being a total jerk and a complete pushover.

Be polite, but firm. If you notice someone doing something inappropriate, call them out on it in a tactful manner.

If they apologize, great. But once you catch them in the act a second time, take any future apologies with a grain of salt. If such behavior becomes a pattern, you have to wonder whether their aim is to take your goodwill for granted. Needless to say, you don’t need people like that in your life.

Never make your happiness dependent upon the actions of others. Human beings, by their very nature, are mutable and unpredictable creatures.

If you refuse to find contentment in your life until/unless a given individual changes or gives you the time of day, you'll open the door to unabating disillusionment.

Happiness comes from within. Never should you allow anyone to take you for granted and trifle with your feelings. Indeed, those who truly enrich your life will recognize your value, doing the utmost to prevent situations where an apology is even warranted.

This will spell the end of your relationship

When asked to think about the most common culprits for a relationship's going south, most people will point to cheating, complacency, and taking one's partner for granted. While these are all valid -- and documented in various posts on this blog -- there are certain habits on the part of partners that may not kill the relationship right away, but cause it to erode more gradually. Among the most egregious of these is expecting your significant other to be perfect. They pick at your follies any chance they get. Nothing you do is ever good enough. In fact, you will never measure up to an ex, neighbor, or accomplished co-worker. Perhaps this all sounds a bit familiar. When you feel as though you're constantly being put under the microscope, it can inflict lasting damage on the relationship and your self-esteem. You're walking on eggshells all the time, praying you don't say or do something that's going to trigger your partner. This is no way to live, let alone ca

No response from someone IS a response

Make no mistake about it: When you don't get a response from someone -- whether they fail to answer your texts or return your phone calls -- it is still a response, and a powerful one at that. When a person fails to respond, it's a direct reflection of their interest -- or lack thereof -- in the relationship. Few things are more aggravating than having to hound a partner, friend, or relative for some sort of reply after we've reached out to them. Yes, we get busy from time to time, but that doesn't give anyone the right to leave the other person hanging. A terse text with something like "Been busy, will reach out soon" doesn't say much, but at least it shows some effort to bring the other person up to speed on why they've fallen off the radar. Failing to provide a response for weeks -- if not months -- communicates that you are just not a priority, and that you'll have to wait your turn to get this individual's attention. This is n

Misconceptions about quiet people

Earlier today, I came across a Facebook page that features motivational quotes intended to improve people's moods and enhance their overall self-esteem. Interestingly, I noticed two quotes that focus specifically on quiet people: "Be afraid of quiet people; they're the ones who actually think." "The quietest people have the loudest minds." I've observed that most people's views of quiet individuals can fall under one of two categories: 1. The ones who say quiet people are antisocial, suspicious, snobbish, and/or full of themselves. 2. The people who say their introspective nature and propensity to be deep in thought makes them smarter than their more garrulous peers. The quotes above speak to this mindset. As an introvert known to be quiet at work and at social functions where I might not know anyone, I feel I'm well positioned to dispel any inaccuracies surrounding quiet folks. First of all, the above statements misguidedly put

Understand People

Search This Blog