In relationships, there’s one pivotal factor that often goes unnoticed until it's too late. It’s not about communication, trust, or even love. While these are not unimportant, there’s something more fundamental that shapes the way we connect with our partners. This overlooked element can either strengthen the ties between you or cause subtle fissures that may widen over time. So, what is this game-changing factor? It’s emotional availability . Emotional availability is the ability to be present, to listen and respond to your partner’s feelings, and to share your own emotions in a healthy, honest way.  When both partners are emotionally available, they create a safe space for each other to express worries, desires, and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment, reprisal, or rejection. This emotional connection is the foundation upon which intimacy, trust, and understanding can thrive. However, when one or both partners are emotionally unavailable, even the most loving relationships c...

It's hard to believe that some victims of infidelity find it in their hearts to forgive and give their cheating partner a second chance. Is it worth taking such a gamble? Let's dive in. Taking back a significant other who's shown disloyalty to you can be a definite slippery slope. It's for this reason I would advise against making this move.  For one, who's to say they won't do it again? You may think you can rebuild trust in them, but in all likelihood, you'll be increasingly tempted to check their texts or e-mails. Perhaps you might question when they come home late or why they're having lunch with a co-worker of the opposite sex. In other words, your insecurity switch gets turned on. That's not to say that no one who's ever cheated has not been genuinely contrite for their mistakes or sincere in their effort to change their ways.  But let's be frank. By forgiving a cheater, you're essentially allowing them to have their cake and eat it...

In light of all the reshuffling that Covid has produced in the workplace, there's now a popular phrase being used to describe when workers essentially "check out" and do the least possible to keep their jobs while searching for better opportunities on the down low: quiet quitting.  This had me thinking: Could quiet quitting not also be applied to relationships? Indeed, many of us have been in that unfortunate situation: Our partner unofficially quits on us and the relationship by doing the absolute minimum. Once we confront them about their not pulling their weight, they become defensive if not downright hostile, charging that we're being overdramatic. Easy for them to say, right?  Carrying the entire relationship on one's shoulders is a major cross to bear. When we suspect our partner isn't doing their part, it can be mentally and emotionally devastating.  All kinds of unpleasant thoughts begin to cross our minds. Are they cheating? Are they no longer attract...

Many people don't realize just how detrimental a lack of self-disclosure can be to a relationship. How frequently do you share your feelings with your partner? Do they share their feelings with you?  Emotional self-disclosure, the exchange of intimate feelings, is instrumental to a relationship's health. One person speaks, and the other listens intently, provides validation, and demonstrates they care. And vice-versa.  The responsiveness of the listener is integral to self-disclosure, building trust and intimacy.  When people no longer share their feelings with a partner -- or share them with someone else instead -- the partner loses an opportunity to build their relationship and the relationship in turn suffers. When this becomes a habit, it may very well indicate that someone is oriented away from a relationship rather than toward it.  A lack emotional intimacy and transparency tends to characterize relationships between casual lovers or acquaintances. That isn't ...

When was the last time you fought with your partner? Perhaps it was today, yesterday, or -- if you're lucky -- you might not be able to remember. Nevertheless, some people say that arguments in a relationship ought to be avoided like the plague.  But is this really true? Persistent arguing can, over time, weaken a relationship. The central questions a couple needs to ask themselves are (1) why they're bickering so frequently (2) whether they attempted in earnest to resolve their points of disagreement, or only allowed them to get worse. Perhaps one partner is easily triggered, or both have similarly combative personalities. When you don't have at least one party trying to make peace, things can escalate -- fast.  As long as these arguments unfold naturally -- with neither partner deliberately trying to spark them -- couples can actually leverage the spats to improve the relationship. Many of us would agree that if not for the occasional fight with our partner, we would not ...

Ever been in a relationship where you or your partner weren't wholly invested? I can bet that the relationship probably didn't survive.   Though difficult to discuss at times, the reasons why the partner isn't engaged should be openly communicated. Keeping those feelings bottled up will only breed further bitterness and animosity.  Otherwise, finger pointing and passing blaming will invariably ensue, potentially putting the relationship in serious trouble.  For a relationship to survive -- let alone thrive --it's either all hands on deck, or you can kiss the relationship goodbye.  It goes without saying that relationships are no walk in the park. In the worst cases, they can be emotionally draining, eating away at our happiness and well-being. And when a partner isn't fully committed, it isn't that hard to tell.  They withhold affection, are often combative, and prioritize their needs and wants over their partner's at every turn. When the other partner's...

The COVID-19 pandemic created ample time for couples to be around each other. Whether that's turned out to be good or bad depends on the individual couple, of course.  Being stuck at home presented plenty of opportunities for pairs to become closer -- or drift further apart than they already were.  Those working at home during the pandemic may have had to tend to kids attending school virtually or elderly parents. That juggling act may have translated into more stress -- whether physical, emotional, mental, financial, or all of the above -- leaving less time and energy for romance.  Those who may have been considering taking a vacation to disconnect from their daily troubles and reconnect with each other were now forced to hole up, potentially igniting arguments over, say, one partner's tendency to put off family trips for years.  Then there are those couples that used the extra time to strengthen their bonds -- by improving communication, trying out new things t...

Depriving a relationship of openness and communication is like depriving a plant of water and sunlight; sooner or later, it'll shrivel and die. Many couples have experienced this firsthand. Rather than putting it all on the table (albeit in a civil, non-confrontational way), they either keep their feelings bottled up or resort to more damaging measures, like hurling insults, ghosting, or even cheating on one another. You know for sure that something has gone awry when coming together to discuss your feelings and concerns actually widens the divide between the two of you, leading to more bickering and finger-pointing. You each walk away feeling deeper resentment rather than calm reassurance that things are on the mend. Rather than respecting your partner in spite of their imperfections, things that never bothered you before drive you batty. Moreover, you look for reasons not to be around one another, essentially rendering you both strangers (if not enemies). Frank co...

Do you find yourself in a troublesome relationship? Have you had just about enough of your partner's BS? No matter the circumstances, take heart from this: Many people out there are going through the exact same thing. Maybe you caught your boyfriend cheating and found it in your heart to give him a second chance, though you continually question the wisdom of your decision. Maybe your wife's reckless spending habits have put a major dent in your finances. Or, perhaps your husband doesn't invest nearly as much time or energy as you do, leaving you feeling as though you're carrying the relationship on your shoulders. A relationship is essentially a partnership that two people -- not one -- strive to keep strong and vibrant. One where both individuals' voices are heard and concerns are addressed. I'm a strong proponent of couples doing all they can to make it work, even if it entails enlisting the help of a counselor. If they're genuinely inter...

Chances are, you or someone you know has dipped their toes in the realm of online dating. For every story of an offline meeting that culminates in a fairy tale story wedding, there is an awful experience that the people in question would be happy to forget. The biggest plus of online dating, as I see it, is that you know exactly what romantic prospects are looking for. You can filter search results so that only those who, say, are single, interested in a romantic relationship, and don't drink come up. This not only saves a lot of time, but it removes a lot of the guesswork involved in determining whether someone makes a good match. When you approach someone at a bar, however, you don't really know whether they're married and just there to get their mind off of work. Not to mention some people become visibly annoyed when they sense they're being watched or courted -- whether it's because they're having a bad day, the time and place aren't right,...

Have you ever been in a relationship devoid of trust? Did it ultimately break down because you simply couldn't confide in your partner? When trust evaporates in a relationship, it becomes very difficult -- if not impossible -- to restore. Trust is as integral to a relationship as honesty, love, communication, kindness, and loyalty.  Trusting the other person is our decision, but it is their choice to value our trust and demonstrate that they're deserving of it. If you have to play detective in your relationship, then the trust just isn't there. If you have to second-guess their every move because they keep you on edge all the time, trust is non-existent. It is at that point that one must do whatever is necessary to build or restore it, or simply call the relationship quits. Here are just some of the ways trust in a partner can cease to exist: They lie to us. This can take a host of forms (e.g., cheating, feigning their love, etc.)  They steal from us....

If someone apologizes but continues to make the same "mistake," that so-called mistake is really a conscious decision. From cheating to raising one's hand at their partner to bilking people out of their money, if a person claims they're sorry but there's little to no change in their behavior, they're being disingenuous. This is especially the case if they've made no efforts to curb said behavior (e.g., seeking counseling). If a person genuinely cared, they would never risk losing you by flat-out lying about their intentions. If anything, we'd respect them more for being honest about their inability to remain loyal or sober, and that might make us more inclined to help. For example, it might give way to a discussion on what they feel is lacking in the relationship. Or, they may shed light on whatever they feel is preventing them from laying off the booze. But it's wholly dishonest to make promises when you can't keep them. Thes...

What would you say is the worst possible way for someone to break up with his or her partner? While we can certainly run wild with this, many of you might say it's when the breakup comes on the heels of an exposed affair. ("Yes, I'm with someone else now, so we're through.") That's undoubtedly a terrible way for a relationship to meet its demise. Cheating, after all, is a deplorable act; it is hands down the most egregious breach of trust one can carry out. But the case can also be made for ghosting. Ghosting, by definition, is the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and inexplicably withdrawing from all communication. Ending a relationship in this way is callous and dastardly, especially if both partners have been together for an extended period of time. The most appropriate way to do it is face-to-face. Breaking up with someone via text or email smacks of insensitivity, but it's still better than ceasing cont...

Relationships are diminished when partners get into the habit of making assumptions. People say facetiously that when you assume, you "make an ass out of you and me." Rather than make assumptions, people should: Find the courage to ask questions, even tough ones. Openly express their needs, wants, and feelings. Communicate as clearly as possible so as to avoid drama and bickering.  Resist the urge to pretend to know what the other individual is thinking.  Making assumptions falls into the same category as playing games.  If you don't know how your partner feels on a given issue, just ask. If asking doesn't yield answers, then there are definite communication problems that need addressing.  In a healthy relationship, partners are glad to bounce ideas off one another and work together to arrive at solutions to problems in the relationship.  Without a strong system of communication in place, partners may potentially distrust one another, ...

Whether it's in an old friendship or a new romantic relationship, you should never have to apologize for making clear how you feel. Being remorseful for one's feelings is like saying, "I'm sorry for being real." Openly communicating one's feelings is healthy and beneficial -- as long as it is done in a tactful fashion. Of course, declaring one's feelings in the throes of a fiery rant won't yield great results. If you don't put your feelings on the table, your friend or partner won't know what's going through your head. Once their eyes have been opened to your feelings, they should show respect and compassion toward your perspective, even if they roundly disagree with it. While being forthcoming in this way may not always rub people the right way, it is certainly better than keeping those feelings hidden out of fear of backlash. In the latter scenario, the person may feel they lack an outlet, prompting them to (1) divulge perso...

There's been a lot of talk in the media/political sphere concerning fake news. But not as much attention is paid to fake people, especially those who try to pass off as real friends . We count on friends to be there for us in good times and bad, through thick and thin. True friends celebrate our successes and support us in our darkest moments. Though we can't rely on them to solve our problems, just knowing we have their ear or shoulder to cry on can be a big help. At the same time, we'd be willing to do almost anything for them, considering them more like family than some of our own blood relatives. Sadly, some friends don't turn out to be as caring and loyal as we thought. We come to realize that they had ulterior motives for befriending us. Or, the friendship starts out innocently enough, but over time they begin taking the friendship for granted. Three kinds of fake friends  For starters, there are those who forget you exist once they enter into relat...

Though falling in love and staying in love might seem the same, they're certainly not. So what's the key difference? We fall in love by chance, but we stay in love by choice. Of course, whether we stay in love depends just as much on us as it does our partner. If one or both partners cease doing these things, it's possible one or both can fall out of love: Surprising the other with love notes, leaving little gifts, going on romantic walks at the beach, and doing other things that drew you closer together in the beginning of the relationship Allocating time and energy for each other as opposed to always putting work or friends first Infusing the relationship with variety so that things don't become routine (e.g., trying out new restaurants, visiting new destinations, etc.) Being there for one another in good times and bad, whether it's to be present for a birthday or console the other following the death of a loved one Striving to better them...

In order for a relationship to run smoothly, partners need to function as a team while still maintaining their distinct identities. It's a delicate balancing act many couples struggle to master. As I've stressed in recent posts, both individuals have to pull their own weight. If the same person is left doing all the chores every week -- whether it's cooking dinner, tending to the dogs, or doing the laundry -- while the other goes off to carouse with friends, how long do you think it will be before the former feels aggrieved? Chores should be divided evenly so that both parties can free up time for themselves, whether it's to go to the movies together or catch up with their buddies. (There are always exceptions, of course, as when couples agree that one will stay at home taking care of the children and the household duties.) When a couple adopts a team mentality, they essentially leave selfishness at the door. They make concessions for one another and, rather...

Sometimes you need to give up on people -- not because you don't care, but because they don't. Let's say you and your friend have drifted from each other over time. You assume (or hope) he or she has noticed it as well and you resolve to get things running smoothly again. If, after some time, you've done all you can to jolt some life into the relationship -- whether by inviting the person to dinner, texting them to wish their kid a Happy Birthday, or dropping by to help clean out their garage -- and they still show no interest, it could be because of the following: 1. They're expecting you to do all the heavy lifting in the relationship. 2. They don't value you like you do them. 3. They're going through something they may not wish to talk about. The only one of the three that is a valid excuse is #3, though they should at least tell you that much and not leave you hanging. We should all respect others' need for space, but unless we're...

What would you say is the worst kind of punishment you can inflict on someone? While many might feel it's delivering physical abuse (e.g., beating the person up), I firmly believe that mental and emotional damage can be far more difficult to rebound from. Such wounds can take far longer to heal. When it comes to indifference, stop for a moment and think about just how painful it must be to realize that someone near and dear to your heart -- whether it's your partner, friend, or a family member -- couldn't care less about you anymore. Such indifference could come in many forms, with unanswered texts or calls chief among them. Perhaps you don't get a call on your birthday from the individual, or even after just having gone through a trying experience (e.g., emergency surgery or a death in the family). It could very well be that we forgot the person's birthday, weren't there when they needed us, or had a huge argument with them, and now they've cut of...