It sounds counterintuitive, right? As we approach Thanksgiving, we aim to be thankful for the wonderful folks in our lives The ones who are there for us when we need them. The ones who lift us when we hit rock bottom emotionally. So you might be wondering why in the world I'm suggesting we should be grateful for the naysayers, the toxic folks, the unredeemable narcissists.  Well, if we didn't have people like this in our lives, we would never come to appreciate those who embody the exact opposite qualities -- decency, respect, humility, and integrity, among others. That isn't to say that you should keep these folks in your life unnecessarily. Sometimes we need to put up with them for a job (the tyrannical boss) or for someone else's sake (the meddling in-laws).  But when someone is that unpleasant, it's easy to draw a contrast between them and the individuals you've come to respect and admire, e.g., sweet Sue in human resources or your boyfriend's caring cou...

Do you consider your partner your best friend? If so, your relationship may be better equipped to last than couples who don't have those very sentiments. Studies show that those who consider their partner their best friend tend to be far more satisfied in their relationship than those who don't.  This finding is consistent with research showing that relationships characterized by more companionate love – those high in affection, friendship, security, comfort, and mutual interests – last longer and are more satisfying. In fact, companionate love is more closely linked with relationship satisfaction than is passionate love, which entails intense feelings of attraction and preoccupation with one’s partner. Other research shows that those in friendship-centric love relationships feel they have a highly likable partner, and that shared companionship is an integral part of the love.  A study of over 600 married individuals revealed that those with hig...

Do you sense that you and a close friend have been drifting apart? Maybe you only connect via text or FaceTime on birthdays and other special occasions whereas before your spouses had to beg each of you to get off the phone every day. Or, perhaps you met up for lunch once a week and now you're lucky if you can convene once a year. Take heart: It happens in many a friendship. What truly puts friendships to the test is when both people find themselves in different stages of life. Or, they can be in the same stage of life and just be too preoccupied to attend to one another like they did in the heyday of the friendship. This can include one or both individuals: Getting a new (and more demanding) job.  Moving to a different city.  Making new friends.  Hooking up with/marrying someone. Having children. Taking up new hobbies and interests. As people get older, their priorities do change, which leaves less time for friendships. But in the strongest f...

Let's assume you've been friends with Katie since kindergarten. Even as innocuous six year olds, you knew you'd be each other's maid of honor. While time often makes many friendships grow weaker, the two of you remained almost inseparable through college. Then, gradually, you begin to have sporadic arguments with each other, sometimes over the silliest things. As relationships and shifting responsibilities chart different paths for you both in your adult life, you start to grow apart. Once touting yourself as sisters from a different mother, you're now mere acquaintances who may connect via text on special or solemn occasions, like birthdays or the death of a loved one. Is the scenario described above all that atypical? Sadly, the answer is no. You've likely experienced it at some point with a friend you have held in high esteem for many years. While many friendships can bounce back, they may never go back to the way they once were. But that ...

Ah, the friend zone... that dreaded place no one who's head over heels ever wants to venture to. When someone we care deeply for thinks of us only as a friend, a whole host of emotions can come over us -- from embarrassment to sadness to hopelessness. But we needn't despair. Here's what can happen going forward: 1. Once we realize the feelings aren't being reciprocated, we may decide to move on, causing the relationship to fizzle out. 2. We accept that the person wishes to keep it platonic and we carry on as friends. 3. We continue to pursue them even though they've made it clear they don't hold the same feelings for us. In this scenario, they may feel badgered and tell us to leave them alone. Or, they may eventually give in, much to our delight. Most of us have been friend zoned at one point or another. We have to remind ourselves that it's not the end of the world, even though we convince ourselves that we'll never find anyone as wonder...

Does anyone treat you like you're below them -- whether it's because they have a higher position, nicer car, or bigger house? Kick them to the curb. If a person is so shallow as to put physical objects before the things that really count -- friendship, love, respect, humility -- give them the boot. No one is above anyone else. A janitor is just as deserving of others' respect and kindness as a CEO of a Fortune 500 company. One's possessions say nothing of their character. While I'm not trying to begrudge them their success -- especially if they worked their butts off to get what they have -- it should never make people feel entitled. Who's to say that the garbage man or waitress hasn't gone through tremendous hardship in life preventing him or her from going to school and rising above their station? And who's to say they can't eventually reach that point if they truly commit themselves? Yet, not everyone yearns to be rich. They ma...

Whether it's in an old friendship or a new romantic relationship, you should never have to apologize for making clear how you feel. Being remorseful for one's feelings is like saying, "I'm sorry for being real." Openly communicating one's feelings is healthy and beneficial -- as long as it is done in a tactful fashion. Of course, declaring one's feelings in the throes of a fiery rant won't yield great results. If you don't put your feelings on the table, your friend or partner won't know what's going through your head. Once their eyes have been opened to your feelings, they should show respect and compassion toward your perspective, even if they roundly disagree with it. While being forthcoming in this way may not always rub people the right way, it is certainly better than keeping those feelings hidden out of fear of backlash. In the latter scenario, the person may feel they lack an outlet, prompting them to (1) divulge perso...

It's a question I'm asked almost constantly, so I felt it was time to write an entry on this topic. Some people have no qualms about maintaining contact with their ex, while others are categorically opposed to it. This is one of those cases where, at the end of the day, it's at the discretion of the person in question. But there are certainly a few factors to consider that may help them make a decision. First, if the person is in a new relationship, their partner should have a say in the matter. They may question their significant other's motives in remaining chummy with the ex. Or, they may very well be swell with it, but they still have a right to know. If for whatever reason you feel ill at ease disclosing this to your partner, take it as a sign you probably should not maintain ties with your ex. If your partner finds out you've been keeping things from him or her, their trust in you will become seriously compromised. Another thing one has to question...

One of the most disconcerting trends I've noticed in the dating world concerns people who go on dates with others despite not being interested in them. After the date, they remain in contact with the individual, giving the impression that they look forward to going on future dates with them even though they have no intention of doing so. In fact, they may very well be going on dates with other men or women in the meantime. So, why not just tell the person they're no longer interested? Why string them along at all? Reasons can be quite varied: They've just ended a relationship and wish for another's company.  They are not attracted to the person, but still relish the attention.  They see the potential for a budding friendship.  They already have their eye on someone they have yet to snag, so they use other dates as temporary stand-ins.  I don't blame people for not having feelings for someone else. After all, the heart wants what it ...

The American essayist, poet, and philosopher Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) once said, "You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment." Put simply, Thoreau meant that life is short, and we ought to make the most of every moment. He is also been credited for saying, "Our life is frittered away by detail...simplify, simplify." (In case you haven't read up on Thoreau, he lived in a cabin at Walden Pond for over two years. His purpose? To "live deliberately.") If Thoreau were alive today, he'd be aghast at how so many people in the country -- and the world as a whole -- have fallen pray to consumerism . Rather than finding ways to simplify their lives, people seem to be doing the exact opposite, saturating them with more stuff, more people, more noise. When Thoreau exhorts us to live in the present and launch ourselves on every wave, he isn't saying we should set out on shopping spree...

You should never have to beg other people for anything -- whether it be their love, time, guidance, or affection. If it doesn't come from their heart, why should you have to force them to be more responsive to your needs? A good friend, partner, or relative is there for you with open arms when you need them. They don't have to be prodded repeatedly into lending a hand because they jump into action at a moment's notice. They don't make excuses for why they can't help you out. Instead, they go the extra mile for you, even if it's an inconvenience for them. Sure, there may be times where people might not be of much help because of special circumstances -- they're traveling, they're overwhelmed at work, they're at a special family function. But if this individual seems to run for the hills anytime you wish to see them or you need a favor, it raises serious questions: 1. What are they trying to get out of the friendship/relationship? 2. Ar...

When someone truly cares about you, they look for reasons to talk to and be with you rather than excuses not to . Ever heard the saying, "If there's a will, there's a way"? Someone's effort -- or lack thereof -- is a reflection of their interest in you. Time is our most precious commodity in that it's the only thing we can't get back once it's gone. That being said, if a person chooses not carve out any of that time for you, what they're essentially saying is, "You're not worth my time." They may insist they really do care about you and want to see you, but they just "don't have the time." Then, a day or so later, they might post pictures of themselves with other people on Facebook, gushing about the great time they're having. A person's actions always reveal their truest, innermost feelings. Don't believe what people tell you until they've backed those words with their deeds. If they really ...

What do you think the three most precious things we can give someone are? If things like a whole lot of cash, a fancy car, or jewelry come to mind, you're not even close. The things I'm alluding to are intangible virtues that go far deeper. The three biggest gifts we can provide are our love , our trust , and our time . Love : This one is a no-brainer. Human beings seek others' love from the moment they're born. As adults, we turn to our partners, relatives, friends, and even our coworkers for love and support. If we can say that we truly love someone, it means they occupy a special place in our hearts, and we'd be willing to do virtually anything to make them happy. Trust: It can be difficult for us to trust people. After all, once someone breaks our trust, not only are we reluctant to trust that particular individual again, we make it harder for other people to earn it. To trust someone is to become vulnerable. Essentially, you're giving that person ...

You should never be afraid to lose people -- whether close friends or mere acquaintances -- if keeping them in your life means losing yourself in the process. And how might you lose yourself? You can lose your self-identity by (1) changing yourself to appease them (2) doing everything in your power to please them while neglecting your own needs and wants. Sure, in any relationship, a little flexibility -- some give and take, if you will -- is to be expected. Sometimes you may accede to the other's wishes as far as where to go and what to do. Maybe your friend has kids and you don't, which necessitates planning outings around their busy schedule. But a line needs to be drawn somewhere. If you find yourself making concession after concession while the other person refuses to meet you halfway on anything, let's call the relationship what it really is -- one-sided. Unfortunately, some people become a little too complacent, expecting the other person to always bend...

Wouldn't you agree that it's better to be hurt with the truth than comforted with a lie ? It's no surprise people say that our closest friends give it to us straight -- they're the ones who don't sugarcoat anything, even if we may take it the wrong way at first. However, some people mistakenly assume that they're doing us a favor by not being completely open. They reason that it's worth it if it'll spare you those hurt feelings. What they don't consider, however, is how painful it can be to discover later on that the person wasn't being entirely honest. While it may seem like the person is acting in the other's best interest, they're really only thinking of themselves. Perhaps they fear that if the truth comes out, the relationship might change, or even be in jeopardy. But doesn't the person deserve the truth? Imagine how many marriages or relationships have come to an end as a result of one partner asserting with convictio...

Apologies don't mean anything if you continue to do what you claim to be sorry for . Saying "sorry" rings hollow if you persist in your unsavory behavior -- whether it's cheating on your spouse, furtively stealing money from your employer, or drug/alcohol abuse. I firmly believe that some people apologize as a quick way out; in reality, they have no intention of following through. Deep down, they're really not sorry. And your support can only go so far when the person can't help but fall off the wagon time and time again. Eventually, you reach a point where nothing short of counseling is in order. I only wish the word "sorry" weren't used so loosely. It's kind of like those who go around telling people they love them after dating them just a few weeks. Say what you mean and mean what you say. As I've stressed in earlier posts, words mean nothing unless you back them up with concrete actions. For example, if you say you'...

They say the only constant in life is change, and people are certainly no exception to that maxim. Partners, friends, relatives, coworkers, acquaintances -- they evolve, for better or worse. Wishing things could revert to how they used to be in any given relationship sets one up for major disappointment. The fact of the matter is that you may have a friend who's very different today from how she was in, say, 2012. Shifting priorities, new experiences, and changing views each play a role in our evolution as people. Unfortunately, such changes can be detrimental to a relationship. Your friend gets married or starts a family and forgets you exist. Your boyfriend has to relocate for his job and now you hardly hear from his anymore. Your closest cousin is hanging out with a different crowd and no longer seems like the person you grew up with. It's understandable that such life events would make people less available. Gone are the days when you could arrange outings on ...

No matter how nice and accommodating you may be toward friends and family, you can't control their loyalty towards you. Never expect that just because you act a certain way toward someone, they'll immediately turn around and reciprocate. In a perfect world, everyone would be disposed to scratching our back when we scratch theirs, but there are no guarantees in life. Some people are takers far more than they are givers. They're out to benefit themselves and pay little attention to the plight of those they have the audacity to call a friend or loved one. Especially telling is when they vanish into thin air upon learning that someone needs help. A good person sticks by through thick and thin. Of course, we all have obligations -- work, children, community service, and the like -- that may prevent us from getting as deeply involved as we'd like. But if we're fed every excuse in the book for why a person can never be there for us, it starts to feel dising...

We've all dealt with a friend or partner who, out of the blue, becomes indifferent towards us. They cease making any effort to see or call us. They make every excuse in the book not to attend your birthday party or any other occasion you invite them to. When you confront them as to why they don't ever seem to give you the time of day, they don't have an answer. This leaves us feeling hurt, confused, and frustrated. We want this person to be as interested in us as we are in them, but the scales just never seem to balance. While it's true that typically one person is always more invested in the relationship or friendship than the other, it shouldn't be completely one-sided. People make time for those who truly matter to them, even if it's by doing something as simple as sending a quick text message. Unfortunately, some people get in relationships and ditch their friends. Others just have so many friends and acquaintances that they wind up leaving some ...

Want to be happier? The   less you attach your happiness to people or material things, the happier you'll be. Why? Because material things come and go, as do people. They're transitory.  What brings us true joy are experiences, which can create lasting memories. While things may have ended badly with your ex-boyfriend, there's no harm in conceding that you cherished -- perhaps to this day -- the times you spent with him, even if you don't want him back in your life. Or, you may reminisce about the trip you and your friends took to Cancun while you were in college, even though time and distance have caused something of a rift in your friendship. See what I mean? Focus on the experience and how it enriched your life, not on the person. Relationships evolve just like the people in them. Depending on someone else to be happy sets one up for disappointment in the event that person does a one-eighty, which most of us have experienced at some poin...