Nothing good could come of a relationship marred by infidelity, right? The heartache, the shock, the feeling of one's trust being violated.  In the short-term, being cheated on can turn one's world upside down. But eventually, there may be a light awaiting the cheated at the end of the tunnel.  If you really think about it, cheaters end up doing us a huge favor.  In their selfishness and disloyalty, they end up showing us that we deserve better.  If you're so unfortunate as to be a victim of such acts of betrayal, you can only hope the cheater is considerate enough to own up to their missteps.  But we all know full well that, in many cases, the cheater is either caught in the act or leaves behind a trail of hints that ultimately culminates in their undoing. The more classy thing to do is to discuss their feelings openly with their partner before straying.  If all talks lead to an impasse or a further escalation of tensions, both parties should take it as a ...

Contrary to popular opinion, walking away doesn't signal weakness on your part. It doesn't mean you're quitting on the relationship.  The truth of the matter is that we often walk away when we perceive the other person as having lost interest and given up. When you've exhausted all options -- from having frank conversations to trying to vivify the relationship by trying out new things to suggesting counseling -- you yourself are left so emotionally drained that you have nothing else left to give.  Failed relationships are usually the product of only one partner (or, in the worst cases, neither) investing time and energy in the other person. This can be challenging for some people because you have to be very intentional about it -- carving out time for your partner, coming up with ways to infuse life into the relationship, and so on. But most people use work, the kids, and other items on their To Do List as reasons for not being on the ball.  If your conscience tells you...

Several readers have written to me asking me how they can deal with an unapologetically toxic individual in their life, whether it be an obnoxious boss or possessive partner. They maintain that they've exhausted every option -- from speaking to them directly to seeking out counseling.  When I suggest pulling the plug -- finding a new job, ending the relationship -- such a recommendation is met with stiff resistance: "I'm too old to find a job, and things are bad out there. I might as well stay put." "I don't want to go through the hassle of hitting the dating market again. Those days are behind me." So, on the one hand, they're desperate to escape a toxic situation that is adversely impacting their quality of life, but on the other, they're offering up excuses as to why they shouldn't effect change? Chalk it up to one phenomenon: fearing the unknown. What is known to us, as lousy as it is, can seem less daunting than the unfamiliar.  The prob...

Depriving a relationship of openness and communication is like depriving a plant of water and sunlight; sooner or later, it'll shrivel and die. Many couples have experienced this firsthand. Rather than putting it all on the table (albeit in a civil, non-confrontational way), they either keep their feelings bottled up or resort to more damaging measures, like hurling insults, ghosting, or even cheating on one another. You know for sure that something has gone awry when coming together to discuss your feelings and concerns actually widens the divide between the two of you, leading to more bickering and finger-pointing. You each walk away feeling deeper resentment rather than calm reassurance that things are on the mend. Rather than respecting your partner in spite of their imperfections, things that never bothered you before drive you batty. Moreover, you look for reasons not to be around one another, essentially rendering you both strangers (if not enemies). Frank co...

Have you ever been in a relationship devoid of trust? Did it ultimately break down because you simply couldn't confide in your partner? When trust evaporates in a relationship, it becomes very difficult -- if not impossible -- to restore. Trust is as integral to a relationship as honesty, love, communication, kindness, and loyalty.  Trusting the other person is our decision, but it is their choice to value our trust and demonstrate that they're deserving of it. If you have to play detective in your relationship, then the trust just isn't there. If you have to second-guess their every move because they keep you on edge all the time, trust is non-existent. It is at that point that one must do whatever is necessary to build or restore it, or simply call the relationship quits. Here are just some of the ways trust in a partner can cease to exist: They lie to us. This can take a host of forms (e.g., cheating, feigning their love, etc.)  They steal from us....

Don't allow anyone -- not your friends, not your relatives, not your partner, and not your co-workers -- to put you down for mistakes you've made in the past. Many people have a nasty habit of, in the heat of an argument, or as a result of having a bad day, bringing back to light past mistakes that you've apologized for, learned from, and pledged not to repeat. They likely see it as ammunition they carry in their back pocket in the event they really want to make you feel like crap. They tell themselves that you should be appreciative of the fact they forgave you, even though, in their view, you didn't deserve it. It's as if you "owe" them. If they really forgave you, they should not indulge themselves by giving you guilt trips whenever the mood strikes, even if you've done something more recently to ruffle their feathers. Focusing their ire on the matter at hand is one thing; rehashing things you've put behind you is another entirely. I...

What's worse than being home by yourself while all your friends and family are out and about? That's easy: A relationship in which your partner makes you feel lonely. Think about it. You're with someone whom you turn to for affection, attention, and advice. But whether it's because your partner is always working, traveling, indifferent, or in their own world mentally, your needs always go unmet. You feel as though you're living by yourself, but you're really not. It can be like crying out for help and never receiving a response. If you've raised the issue with your partner but still seem unable to get through to him or her, it might be time to decide whether you should seek counseling, or if you're better off pulling the plug altogether. It has been scientifically proven that loneliness distorts our perceptions of our relationships. Studies have discovered that merely asking people to recall times they felt lonely was sufficient to make t...

We've all been there: Someone who we trust deeply stabs us in the back, and our world comes crashing down in an instant. We may be in denial at first, refusing to accept the fact that someone so near and dear to us could fritter away our trust. Once we come to terms with what has occurred, we may find it difficult to confide in anyone again for a while. Perhaps you discovered that your partner cheated on you. Maybe you caught your coworker spreading rumors about you behind your back. Or, you realized that your friend of 20 years has been stealing money from you. No matter the form of deception, it can be devastating. In the worst cases, such events can wreak havoc on one's self-esteem, leading to depression and other negative health outcomes. So what happens next? As the victim, that's really up to you. You were wronged and can pursue whatever course of action you deem fair. If he or she displays genuine remorse -- including a sincere apology that feels like it...

Relationships go down the road to ruin without a willingness on the part of both partners -- not just one -- to do the following six things: Invest time in the relationship Invest energy in the relationship  Communicate their concerns and address any areas where they feel there is room for improvement  Remain transparent  Love and trust one another  Be understanding rather than judgmental  A relationship is like a car in that it requires routine maintenance. What would happen if you were to stop changing the oil and rotating the tires? It would cease to work properly, right?  The same logic applies to a relationship.  And here's the thing: When a car starts giving you problems, you don't immediately go out and get a new one. Similarly, you shouldn't pull the plug on a relationship without making the effort to resolve whatever problems the two of you are facing. Ending a relationship prematurely would mean giving up on somethin...

Usually, walking away from someone has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. You may be asking how this is possible. Well, those who have had to walk away from relationships because they've felt abused, ignored, or taken advantage of can attest to one thing: They didn't do it because they wanted to show the other person their worth. They did it because they themselves realized their worth. It was at that defining moment in their lives that they knew they could no longer be with someone who diminished them. Instead, they knew that the right person would enhance their life; he or she would help them grow into an even better version of themselves. But as long as they hesitated to walk away -- likely because of the paralyzing fear of being alone or having to start all over -- their destructive partners would continue to hinder their progress and fill their lives with angst. If someone is causing you tremendous pain, and you just can't ...

Now, you might be asking what on earth I mean by "hopper." Fair question. To put it into proper context, I'm talking about someone who jumps from one thing to another without hesistation, i.e., a job hopper or relationship hopper. Unfortunately, the people I know who are prone to this sort of thing find themselves rather discontented. Their problem is that they fall victim to grass is greener syndrome. They struggle with commitment, convincing themselves that: If or when their relationship becomes less exciting/more routine, the easiest way to recapture the excitement of a new relationship is to jump into a new one.  If or when their job becomes too easy/routine, there's bound to be a better, more challenging one out there, leading them to jump ship at the first opportunity that presents itself. In other words, they view jobs and relationships much like trying out a new sweater. If they're unhappy following a "trial" period, they return...

Apologies don't mean anything if you continue to do what you claim to be sorry for . Saying "sorry" rings hollow if you persist in your unsavory behavior -- whether it's cheating on your spouse, furtively stealing money from your employer, or drug/alcohol abuse. I firmly believe that some people apologize as a quick way out; in reality, they have no intention of following through. Deep down, they're really not sorry. And your support can only go so far when the person can't help but fall off the wagon time and time again. Eventually, you reach a point where nothing short of counseling is in order. I only wish the word "sorry" weren't used so loosely. It's kind of like those who go around telling people they love them after dating them just a few weeks. Say what you mean and mean what you say. As I've stressed in earlier posts, words mean nothing unless you back them up with concrete actions. For example, if you say you'...

It goes without saying that we should all fall in love with someone who treasures our presence rather than takes advantage of it. Someone who will covet our heart, not trample on it. Someone who will not exercise the power you've given them to hurt you. Ah, easier said than done, right? In a perfect world, every relationship would last a lifetime. No one would experience relationship blues of any sort. And the divorce rate would certainly not be in the neighborhood of 50 percent. The truth is that relationships take serious work -- a lot more than some couples are willing to put in. When you first meet and get with someone, you have your blinders on. They seem perfect to you in every way. You picture yourself walking down the aisle, having kids, and living a blissful life together. Then, reality sets in. You have arguments about matters both petty and serious. You can't seem to agree on anything, whether it's what to eat or where to vacation next. You encounter fi...

You shouldn't support a friend's every decision -- not when it involves their engaging in self-destructive behavior. That can range from doing drugs or stealing to cutting themselves. They say friends back each other up through thick and thin, but "backing up" doesn't mean endorsing the person's behavior if they're a danger to themselves or others. In such cases, you should get them the help they need to abandon such habits -- from family, other friends, neighbors, colleagues, a therapist, and so forth. By keeping your mouth shut and allowing your friend to continue such acts, you're enabling them. It makes you an accomplice who's every bit as guilty as your friend, even if you're not engaging in the same behavior. If you know they're doing things that can get them in serious trouble with the law and/or harm their well-being, try to convince them to stop. If that doesn't work, get the person's loved ones involved. When no ...