How to Read People

Remember that adage dating back to the 1800s that says, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"? I've wondered of late whether it was a toxic individual who came up with it.  If there's one thing toxic people show little to no remorse over, it's the impact their words or actions have on you. You'll notice how toxic people are likely to say vacuous things like: “I’m sorry you felt that way.” “I didn’t mean it like that.” “That’s not what I intended.” Do you notice what's missing?  They may vaguely acknowledge your feelings and the misunderstanding, but they almost never acknowledge how their behavior changed you. They seldom say things like: “I see how this made you doubt yourself.” “I can tell how this hurt your confidence.” “I see how this changed how safe you feel around me.” Because admitting impact means admitting responsibility, not just regret. And the last thing toxic people want to do is to get any flak for the effect th...

It's easy to see the many ways that relationships -- whether with friends, family members, coworkers, or significant others -- add value to our life. In a healthy relationship, both individuals give and receive love, affection, kindness, compassion, advice, and support. Both invest the time and energy to make the other feel special and acknowledged. Neither takes the other for granted or bolts at the first sign of trouble, whether in the relationship or outside of it. A toxic relationship, on the other hand, is suffused with negativity and riddled with conflict. Distrust snowballs into deep resentment. Lying, lambasting, and lashing out become par for the course. While occasional arguments are normal in a relationship and can be beneficial in the sense that both people learn to work toward achieving common ground, too much fighting can escalate to the point where (1) both individuals are at each other's throats (2) they grow so disillusioned that they stop caring altoge...

When leaders punish subordinates, they often do this out of distrust. Afraid of losing their position, they use punishment as a deterrent. However, new research shows such punishments are not very effective. Distrust is the primary reason why leaders impose punishments on individuals over whom they have power. Leaders expect others not to follow the rules, and punish them on the basis of this distrust. Ironically, not only are these punishments hardly effective, but they have the potential to exacerbate the situation. When people feel distrusted, they are less inclined to obey the rules. They deem this assumption on the part of the leaders as a clear sign of disrespect. Thus, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. Furthermore, leaders are afraid of losing their power, and act out of the desire to protect that power. That's why they wield punishment as a deterrent -- to ensure that rules are never broken again. They feel that if they're too trusting of others, thi...