We all know how easily toxic people -- with their knack for negativity and gossip -- can throw a monkey wrench into our days.  But what if we leveraged that toxicity to our benefit? How, you ask? There's a myriad of ways to do this. Among them are these:  1. When they say you can't accomplish something, do you let their words derail your hopes and dreams? No, you use them to further  fuel your motivation to accomplish your goals. After all, who are they to judge? 2. When they criticize you for your style of dress, interests, or any other facet of your personality, do you scramble to change? No, you double down on preserving what makes you unique, which in turn will build self-confidence and boost your self-esteem. 2. When they disrespect you, whether by spewing outright lies or demeaning your character, do you turn around and do the same to them? No, you're better than that. You stand up for yourself, firmly if civilly, without hurling insults. This will equip you with th...

Though they sound similar enough, being desired and being needed aren't one and the same.  Here are a few examples that convey desire: "I love it when you wear that outfit." "Going to the beach is always more fun when you join me." "I wish you were here cuddling with me and keeping me warm." Your charm and intellect drive me crazy." Now, let's look at a couple of examples that hint at needing someone: "My life stinks when you're not here."  "I don't feel whole unless you're around." "I need you to lift me up." "I can always count on you to fix my problems." Sidenote: By "needing" someone, I'm not talking about, say, having them help you walk or give you food after a major surgery. I mean it more generally, in the context of a person's emotional well-being.  So, going back to the bullet points outlined above, what do you notice distinguishes one set from the other? The first ...

The success of a relationship depends on both partners supporting and protecting each other's freedom.  Although your lives are intertwined, both of you should retain your individuality, your sense of self. Your identity should not become all wrapped up in the other person. You aren't just a boyfriend or husband. You're your own person -- one with a unique set of values, passions, and attitudes.  While having commonalities enhances the relationship, it's okay -- suggested, even -- to have disparate interests, which can better the relationship in its own right.   Maybe John loves to read and Becky would rather binge on Netflix. Perhaps Tony is a big sports buff while Susan is big on museums and cultural events.  That way, the two of you can always learn something from one another and have something different to contribute to the conversation. And chances are that over time, you one of his/her hobbies may actually grow on you.  To give you an example, my wife...

We are always looking for ways to make the most of the limited time we have on this planet, which can be a tall order given the slew of responsibilities with which we have to contend.  But carving out the time is paramount! In fact, it's imperative we strive to make the most of each and every day. Sure, we can plan for the future and learn from the past, but we mustn't harp on either or we risk missing out on the here and now.  To ensure you live a fulfilling life, ask yourself this key question: If I were in my deathbed, what will I wish I'd done more? And go do it -- now! Will you regret not having spent more hours at the office? Not having bought more stuff to pile up in the closet or garage? Probably not. You'll probably wish you'd spent more time with your loved ones and pets, more time savoring the little things in life -- which, when you reflect on the totality of life, will seem like big things. Let's be real: Life can't be all fun and games all the ...

Are you unhappily single? Does love seem to evade you like the pesky mouse that manages to squeak by the frustrated cat? Take heart. Many out there are in your shoes. But just because you've been unsuccessful in relationships previously doesn't mean that trend has to continue.  In order to secure real, lasting love, you must land somewhere between these polar-opposite approaches: 1. The rush to find someone and the willingness to patiently wait for Mr. or Ms. Right to waltz into your life.  Hooking up with someone without first getting to know them is foolhardy, especially if you're fortunate enough to be aware of traits or a certain track record you view as disqualifying (e.g., he was known to beat up his ex-wife or, unlike you, is an unapologetic atheist). Instead of rushing into a relationship just so you can declare you're no longer single, give it some time. Just because there's low-hanging fruit doesn't mean you have to snag it. However, some people take ...

Relationships go belly-up when partners expect them -- and, more specifically, their significant other -- to be perfect.  Many fall into the trap of setting unrealistically high standards for their partner, finding themselves crestfallen when they realize or she doesn't quite measure up.   If you seek perfection, I'm here to tell you that you'll never find it. There will always be qualities inherent in one's nature that won't go over well with others. Some people are exceedingly meek, while others are overly pompous. Certain individuals are unambitious while others can't seem to put their work down. Whether these are seen as positive traits or negative ones really varies by person.  Sure, it doesn't mean we can't work toward making the relationship as strong as it can possibly be by addressing our flaws, listening to our partner's grievances, and withholding the compulsion to finger-point and pass judgment.  But a relationship should never be regarde...

Do you sense that you and a close friend have been drifting apart? Maybe you only connect via text or FaceTime on birthdays and other special occasions whereas before your spouses had to beg each of you to get off the phone every day. Or, perhaps you met up for lunch once a week and now you're lucky if you can convene once a year. Take heart: It happens in many a friendship. What truly puts friendships to the test is when both people find themselves in different stages of life. Or, they can be in the same stage of life and just be too preoccupied to attend to one another like they did in the heyday of the friendship. This can include one or both individuals: Getting a new (and more demanding) job.  Moving to a different city.  Making new friends.  Hooking up with/marrying someone. Having children. Taking up new hobbies and interests. As people get older, their priorities do change, which leaves less time for friendships. But in the strongest f...

What do you absolutely love to do? You know, the kinds of things into which you'd happily plunge yourself 60 hours a week -- for FREE -- if you could. Most of us find ourselves with more time to spare as we work from home during this coronavirus pandemic. In my case, I'm happily pouring myself into my writing and allocating time for reading my history and psychology books -- many of which have been collecting dust on my shelf for years. An avid history and architecture buff, I've also been catching episodes of Museum Secrets, You Live In What?, and Travel Thru History -- all outstanding shows I highly recommend. Because my employer isn't all that gung-ho about letting people work from home, I am poised to capitalize on this rare opportunity to enjoy these activities in the comfort of home. Think about your deepest passions and how you can incorporate them into your work-from-home routine. Maybe you can squeeze in a morning walk with your dog, a painting ...

The last few weeks have felt surreal, haven't they? I've never experienced anything like this Coronavirus pandemic in my life, and I'm sure many of you second that sentiment. While the most important thing we can do right now is keep ourselves and our families safe and healthy, many are already starting to chafe of cabin fever. They complain of feeling isolated and disconnected from the world in a way they never have before. Chances are, you've already worked from home for a few days. Such an arrangement has its share of pros and cons. Sure, you can work in your undees, spend more time with family, and not have to grapple with traffic. But some people just aren't as self-motivated as others, and without a boss a few feet away to keep them focused on their work, they become easily distracted -- whether by their kids clamoring to play, the cat meowing for food, or the temptation to watch The Price is Right. And while we can still do takeout and deliver...

Valentine's Day can be a real drag for romantic hopefuls who have yet to stumble upon Mr. or Ms. Right. But don't despair! He or she may waltz into your life quicker than you anticipate. Here are a few tips for meeting someone -- not just any person, but a special individual with whom you can forge a path to long-term bliss: 1. Let people know you're single and ready to mingle. The term "networking" is thrown around all the time in the working world, but it can also be a handy tool in one's quest for romance. Have you told friends and loved ones that you're looking? Perhaps they know someone whom they can fix you up with, or at the very least you can establish connections with people in their circle -- e.g., a friend of a friend's sister's cousin at the birthday party -- that may lead to a fateful encounter with a promising candidate. You obviously don't want people all up in your business, either. For example, I wouldn't advise...

Instead of striving to be superior to other people, we should aim to be superior to our previous selves. It can be easy to assume, judging from the content people post on social media, that they lead perfect lives. As we sift through photos of Facebook friends sunbathing in the Caribbean, sharing cheesecake at a 5-star restaurant with a partner, or driving away in a souped up Mercedes Benz, we may find ourselves green with envy. But comparing ourselves to others -- whether our coworkers, our neighbors, or are friends -- is an exercise in futility. Really, people are not some monolithic group. We have different tastes and interests, goals and fears, struggles and challenges. While it's good to look up to others and admire what they've accomplished, there's no sense in wishing for the lives they have. After all, they may be doing a good job at masking the fact that their lives leave a lot to be desired. They may very well be having health, money, or marital problems...

What makes us powerful is not that we're better than anyone else, for everyone has flaws. It's that we're different from them. Sure, "different" can carry a negative connotation if it means the person is, say, a drug addict, woman beater, or compulsive gambler. In this context, however, different means unique. Maybe you know no one who can whip up a mean apple pie like you can. Perhaps people lean on you for all things spelling and grammar because they regard you as the ultimate wordsmith. Or, you're an expert a fixing cars, playing the violin, chess, or scubadiving. We all bring a different set of talents to the table -- ones we should not only embrace, but continually aim to strengthen. Having unique skills shouldn't be perceived as an excuse to show off or pretend one is above others. Instead, it affords us the opportunity to: 1. Demonstrate to others the kinds of things we love (which may not align with their interests, and that...

When you enter into a new relationship, it can feel as though you're walking on air. As you get to know each other, however, you may realize that you and your partner don't have as much in common as you originally thought. For example, in the beginning, your girlfriend may have tagged along for baseball games given your avid following of the hometown team. But a few months into the relationship, it becomes apparent that she can't be bothered to go to a game, let alone watch one at home with you. When you ask what brought on the change, she admits she was never crazy about baseball to begin with. She just wanted to make a good impression on and spend time with you. Now that she's comfy in the relationship, she doesn't have qualms about declining your invitations outright. Similarly, your partner may have led you to believe that they share other interests you may have -- whether reading, exercising, dancing, science, history, or cooking -- only to later ...

If you had a choice between being reviled for who you are, or valued for who you're not, which one would you be? Sadly, many people would go with the latter because they're under the misguided impression that we need others' approval in order to feel whole. So they go so far as to take on others' beliefs even if they don't agree with them, and others' interests despite not being drawn to them in the slightest -- all to get in their good graces and feel accepted. But here's the thing: If you feel you have to go to such lengths to cultivate a good relationship with someone, you're in the wrong company. While there's nothing wrong with being flexible on some fronts (e.g., trying out new foods, exploring new activities), if you find yourself fundamentally trying to change the very essence of your character and personality to appease others, something is not right. Never try to be someone you're not just to impress people who, at the end o...

How many people do you know who only appear when they're in some kind of a bind? Here are a few examples you can probably relate to: They broke up with their boyfriend, and now they're reaching out to you nearly every day. But while they were in their relationship, they acted as if you didn't matter. They had a falling out with a few friends, and now they've suddenly surfaced. However, when things were peachy with their buddies, you couldn't seem to get a hold of them. And how about those we only hear from when they need a favor? Whether it's that they need money or help moving, they seem to vanish off the face of the earth once they get what they need. What do the three scenarios above have in common? They describe users to a tee. If someone wants nothing to do with you when things are going well in their lives, that should make you question why they wish to maintain any kind of relationship. Perhaps they see you as convenient to have around bec...

Relationships don't die on their own. They end because one or both partners fail to invest the time, energy, and effort to sustain them. They put everything before the relationship -- work, chores, kids, hobbies -- and are then left wondering why things took such a bad turn. A relationship can't maintain itself. Just because you've been with someone for 20 years, share the same interests, or you're convinced nothing could ever tear you apart doesn't mean it can't go down the tubes. If both partners aren't actively contributing to the relationship, they can drift apart in no time, potentially opening the door to drinking, depression, cheating, and other circumstances that can put the relationship on a downward spiral from which it may never recover. On the flip side, those who genuinely want the relationship to remain strong never cease doing the little things -- the love notes/texts, a surprise dinner here and there, a kiss upon waking up and bef...

The strongest people do what John Adams (1735-1826), the second president of the United States, advised us to do over 200 years ago: "Always stand on principle...even if you stand alone."  Put another way, Adams suggested that we stand up for what we believe in without ever giving in to pressure to change. Doing so isn't always easy, and few knew this better than Adams himself. For example, he was roundly criticized by his own party for trying to avert rather than push for war with France, which carried out a series of attacks on U.S. shipping between 1798 and 1800. Had he pursued the latter course, his Federalist party might have come out victorious in the Election of 1800 against Thomas Jefferson and the Democratic-Republicans, who sided with France. But Adams refused to let politics get in the way of his bedrock principles. His are words that we should all live by. While none of us want to ruffle people's feathers by not doing what they want or not th...

Whether you're on a date or talking to a potential suitor online for the first time, the wrong person for you is the one who compels you to act in unnatural ways just so you can gain their approval. Here are a few examples of ways we may project a phony representation of ourselves: You try to be funnier or more sociable than you really are.  You're dishonest about your past relationships, dreams, goals, and the like. You force yourself to like sushi, Harry Potter movies, or the Yankees just to impress him or her, even though none interest you at all.  In other words, you try to become someone you're not -- all for the sake of making a favorable impression on the other person. But do you honestly want the person you end up with to feel drawn to the person they think you are -- or the person you really are? Why would you go such lengths for an individual who could walk away tomorrow? That's just putting the relationship on shaky ground from the get go....

People should like you for who you are rather than for who they'd like you to be. Maybe your partner wishes that you shared their love of travel, art museums, and classical music. Perhaps you have a friend who'd love for you to be into shooting ranges, ACC football, Fox News, and scubadiving like they are. While there's no harm in suggesting you be open to trying new activities, a line needs to be drawn somewhere. If you're constantly being pushed to do things you have little or no interest in, perhaps you and your friend or partner are less compatible than you thought. Maybe they're not as accepting of the "real you" as they seemed at one point, or they've only now gotten to know the real you and aren't impressed. And that's okay. If changing the way you are is the only way to placate the other person, the relationship just isn't meant to last. There are plenty of other people out there who share your interests and values. ...

Never allow anyone to invalidate or minimize how you feel. If you feel something, those feelings are real to you and ought to be respected. No one else can know exactly how you feel because no other person has been in your very shoes! No one else lives in your body. No one else sees life through your eyes. No one has the same interests, fears, quirks, and goals. No one shares your personality. No one has lived through the same experiences you have. That's why no one has the power to dictate or judge what you feel. Your feelings matter; never should they be dismissed or mocked. You deserve to be heard because your feelings are inherently valid. Don't allow anyone to make you believe otherwise! People are entitled to their own opinions, but not to their own facts. Though they may offer well-intentioned advice, they don't get to decide whether your feelings are justified in a given situation -- no matter how much life experience/wisdom they may claim to have. No tw...