Being the social creatures that we are, we all want people to like us. We all want to be in people's good graces. After all, it opens the door to new job or relationship possibilities, so why not?  The danger comes when you aim to impress someone to feel better about yourself -- when being "you" just isn't good enough. This creates the potential for losing your identity entirely in the process. Rather than living your most authentic life so that those who value you for who you are come along for the ride, you're bending over backwards to fit into the mold of how others want to perceive you. See the difference? For example, I know a great many people who aren't materialistic by nature, but they tote around expensive handbags and drive luxurious cars just so that they gain gain others' approval. Somewhere along the way, they bought into the misguided notion that projecting wealth will earn the respect of others, as if their positive feelings for fancy brand...

It goes without saying that toxic people can be corrosive to our mental and emotional satisfaction. The longer they remain in our lives and the more time we spend with them, the higher the risk it poses to our well-being.  Stop for a moment to consider who in your life you'd deem toxic: Is it a boss or co-worker who has a knack for humiliating you at work? Is it a friend who talks smack behind your back?  Or is it even your own partner, whose comments about your physical appearance border on the abusive? Perhaps you might have multiple toxic folks in your personal and professional life. Such relationships can be awfully difficult to navigate, but with the right tools, you can neutralize their power and walk away stronger and more resilient.  The damage toxic people can inflict  Toxic people can undercut our self-esteem and diminish our feelings of self-worth. The more they repeat things like "you're not worth it" to us, the more likely we are to come to believe them....

I feel many people have a misguided sense of what a partner's role should be.  They assume a partner is there to fix their every problem, to complete them.  But this is erroneous thinking and could very well lead the relationship down a dangerous path.  Relationships can promote personal growth and help individuals fulfill their own goals. For example, your partner can help you become a better person by teaching you how to play the guitar; taking you to the local museum to explore immersive exhibits; and opening your eyes to new perspectives, like benefits of eating more veggies and less red meat.  The idea that a relationship can help an individual become a better person is a phenomenon termed self-expansion. Indeed, relationships that provide more expansion are tend to be of higher quality. But this needn't be mistaken with relying on a partner to allay your every concern, resolve your every dilemma, and continually boost your self-esteem.  We need to take res...

Here's a big relationship no-no: Never hook up with Someone who only values your looks, bank account, or both.  I know what you're thinking: With some people, this isn't easy to tell in the beginning being that they can do a great job of masking their real intentions.  For example, you may have once dated someone whose penchant for gold-digging may not have become evident until two years after you began dating. Or, you may not have picked up on your boyfriend's aim to use you for only one thing until after the honeymoon phase passed. Fair enough.  Some individuals can be awfully deceptive. But as soon as they show their true colors, I implore you not to wait until they change (which is unlikely to happen) -- let alone embark to change them yourself. Just end it -- plain and simple -- before you become any more invested.  A partner worth keeping is one who covets what lies beneath more than they do the superficial. And that's because what lies deep within is what mak...

Have you ever wondered how narcissists manage to make good first impressions on us? Indeed, when we first meet people who later turn out to be narcissistic, they strike us as elegant, charming, and fun to be around. But over time, such positive impressions turn sour when we realize that these individuals are majorly self-absorbed and insensitive. Just how do narcissists manage to deceive us in this way? According to research, they're well-regarded at first because we mistake their arrogance for high self-esteem. As I've noted in earlier posts, there's a fine line between these characteristics. And when we're first getting to know someone, we want to give them the benefit of the doubt, so we perceive them as confident and high in self-worth. When sifting through photos of college students who'd completed narcissism and self-esteem scales, participants in four experiments rated those who scored highest on narcissism most likeable and highest in self-este...

If you had a choice between being reviled for who you are, or valued for who you're not, which one would you be? Sadly, many people would go with the latter because they're under the misguided impression that we need others' approval in order to feel whole. So they go so far as to take on others' beliefs even if they don't agree with them, and others' interests despite not being drawn to them in the slightest -- all to get in their good graces and feel accepted. But here's the thing: If you feel you have to go to such lengths to cultivate a good relationship with someone, you're in the wrong company. While there's nothing wrong with being flexible on some fronts (e.g., trying out new foods, exploring new activities), if you find yourself fundamentally trying to change the very essence of your character and personality to appease others, something is not right. Never try to be someone you're not just to impress people who, at the end o...

Never should we allow others to undervalue us -- nor should we let ourselves do it. At the end of the day, the only opinion about yourself that is completely accurate -- the sole assessment that really matters -- is your own. Self-worth, or self-esteem, results from our striving to treat ourselves with the love, care, compassion, and respect we deserve. Your self-worth can only be determined by you because it comes from within. The higher your self-esteem, the happier you are. And as I've stressed in my other posts, happiness emanates from inside of us. It's obvious that not everyone we come across in our lives -- from partners and friends to bosses -- will realize our worth. Still, that should never decrease our value in our own eyes. In relationships in which we don't feel valued, we have the option to address our feelings with the other person. If that doesn't bear fruit, we must decide whether the individual deserves a place in our lives. Now, this do...

How great does it feel after losing 10...15...30 pounds?  No one would dispute that it feels phenomenal. However, I've observed that such feelings give way to cockiness in some people. Admittedly, that happened to me when I lost 25 pounds a couple of years ago. My face looked thinner. My tummy had all but disappeared. Some of my clothes was looking huge on me, forcing me to go a size or two smaller. Now that I was wearing more fitted clothing, I noticed more looks from women -- whether at work, restaurants, or the mall. This is what gave me the ultimate high and motivated to continue working out and losing weight. Now, I'm a happily married man and never even entertained the thought of doing anything more than smiling at these women. Still, the fact they were fancying me in this way -- a confirmation that they were digging something about my physical appearance -- made me feel really good about myself. My self-worth must have hit astronomical levels that year. I sta...

If you found yourself chasing after friends or love interests last year who didn't put as much time and effort into your relationship as you, don't let this habit carry over into the new year. End it now! There's no reason why you should pine for someone's attention or company when your own should be sufficient. Sure, we all like to be in a relationship and have at least a couple of friends we can call and meet up when we're bored or lonely. But here's a key piece of information I'd like you to embed firmly in your mind: Friends and partners enhance our lives, not complete them.  You should never feel that your life is incomplete without friends, a partner, children, and so on. After all, we came into this world alone, and will be leaving it in similar fashion. Studies find that the more people enjoy their own company, the happier they are with their lives and the higher their self-esteem and self-worth. I'm not suggesting that you shouldn...

Ah, there's nothing like the start of a new year, right? It's an opportunity to start anew. A clean slate. A chance to strive for greatness yet again. Research suggests that, generally speaking, people don't come around to meeting -- and, in some cases, even working toward -- their New Year's resolutions. Why is it that we place such a great emphasis on pressing the reset button on January 1 and becoming a better version of ourselves when, in most cases, we fall short? I surmise that we do it for the following reason: Life is nothing short of unpredictable, and we truly don't know what may lie ahead in the coming year. Thus, making New Year's resolutions give us the sense that we're at least partly in control of our lives. We first look at our shortcomings and the toughest challenges we faced in the outgoing year and convince ourselves that, with a little time and effort, we can triumph over even the longest odds. For example, let's say you l...

Society puts immense pressure on us to fit in to groups and hew to their norms. But doing so can feel like abandoning our individuality and compromising our beliefs and principles. What's worse, studies have found that when a person is cajoled into doing something they truly wish not to do -- whether it's smoking, taking drugs, or losing his virginity -- it can have serious ramifications. In fact, researchers found that people who grudgingly engaged in said behaviors were later found to be at a greater risk of suffering from substance abuse, alcoholism, and other problems. As if that weren't enough, it can detrimentally affect our self-worth and self-esteem, leading to feelings of anger and resentment. Peer pressure is alive and well, it seems. It's imperative that parents be well informed about their kids' social circles at school. After all, peers exert considerable influence on a child's life. But the pressure to do something against one's will isn'...