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Why expecting a partner to "save" us is dangerous

Couple embracing

I feel many people have a misguided sense of what a partner's role should be. 

They assume a partner is there to fix their every problem, to complete them. 

But this is erroneous thinking and could very well lead the relationship down a dangerous path. 

Relationships can promote personal growth and help individuals fulfill their own goals. For example, your partner can help you become a better person by teaching you how to play the guitar; taking you to the local museum to explore immersive exhibits; and opening your eyes to new perspectives, like benefits of eating more veggies and less red meat. 

The idea that a relationship can help an individual become a better person is a phenomenon termed self-expansion. Indeed, relationships that provide more expansion are tend to be of higher quality.

But this needn't be mistaken with relying on a partner to allay your every concern, resolve your every dilemma, and continually boost your self-esteem. 

We need to take responsibility for ourselves. It isn't fair to place such a heavy burden on someone else, romantic partner or otherwise. 

As I've stressed in prior posts, a significant other doesn't "complete" us. They're there to enrich our lives by virtue of their gifts and experiences, to accompany us during celebratory as well as trying times. 

But if you regard a partner as a savior and see yourself falling apart if the relationship were ever to falter, it is time to ask yourself these questions:

Do I genuinely love myself? 

Am I seeking a partner's love and approval to compensate for a lack of self-love and self-compassion?

If you feel a void deep within -- irrespective of whether you're in a relationship or not -- it may be because your self-worth is at a low ebb. 

A partner can help you through this, but they can only provide so much reassurance. 

We must muster the strength to pick ourselves up and go on with our lives, no matter the circumstances we face. Our identity must not become entwined with our partner's or we lose sense of who we are. Our happiness must not be contingent on another's love or we risk falling into a deep depression. 

You're your own person -- one with unique hobbies, passions, talents, and values. Embrace your individuality because, unless you let them, no one can take it away from you. 

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Samreen Khan said…
I totally agree!! Each of us has a identity and we should be true to it. But I feel it takes time to figure out who we are. What thoughts do you have on that?
July 2, 2021 at 8:04 AM
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