I often hear people grumble over not having a Valentine or person to spend the holidays with, even though they acknowledge that singlehood still has its perks.  The biggest dating mistake keeping folks single is choosing the wrong people based on instant chemistry instead of long-term compatibility . Many people rely too heavily on that initial spark—mistaking attraction or excitement for a genuine connection. The initial connection is so infectious that they reason it has to be something deep and meaningful.  But chemistry alone isn't enough to build an enduring relationship. In fact, once the honeymoon phase has passed, both people's flaws and problems come to the fore. It is then you really know whether the relationship is built to last.  The key to breaking this cycle is: - Focusing not just charm or physical attraction, but on shared values and emotional availability  - Paying close attention to consistency over time—does this person follow through on what they ...

Being the social creatures that we are, we all want people to like us. We all want to be in people's good graces. After all, it opens the door to new job or relationship possibilities, so why not?  The danger comes when you aim to impress someone to feel better about yourself -- when being "you" just isn't good enough. This creates the potential for losing your identity entirely in the process. Rather than living your most authentic life so that those who value you for who you are come along for the ride, you're bending over backwards to fit into the mold of how others want to perceive you. See the difference? For example, I know a great many people who aren't materialistic by nature, but they tote around expensive handbags and drive luxurious cars just so that they gain gain others' approval. Somewhere along the way, they bought into the misguided notion that projecting wealth will earn the respect of others, as if their positive feelings for fancy brand...

Many of us would admit to drawing comparisons between ourselves and celebrities who have achieved great fame and wealth. Maybe you've compared your physique to that of Dwayne Johnson, your hair to that of Scarlett Johansson, or your zany sense of humor to that of Chris Rock. As long as you're not trying to be these people -- recognizing that while you can get inspiration from them, you're your own person -- I see no problem with it. After all, we can respect and admire the Hollywood elite without necessarily aping their mannerisms, buying all the products they endorse, and longing to be in their very shoes. However, when it comes to a relationship, you're dealing with someone you presumably love and trust, and who loves and trusts you. Someone who values you for who you are. These are the kinds of comparisons that will not only land you in water, but possibly put the relationship in serious jeopardy: 1. Comparing your partner to your ex, or someone you fee...

Is a relationship doomed when one person is a bit more invested than the other? Not necessarily.  In fact, it's quite typical for one partner to care a little more than their significant other -- and the roles can switch over the course of the relationship. This can happen because of a myriad of factors, including: One person having a more stressful job Illness One partner being more organized and on top of things (e.g., relationship milestones, finances, etc.) In essence, it doesn't mean that the person who's a little less committed doesn't value the relationship. But everything from a person's disposition/personality to life simply getting in the way has to be factored in. And sometimes it may seem like they don't care as much because that's how the partner perceives it, but it's not the case at all. For example, some people are naturally more mushy than others. Just because they're not always keen on displaying affec...

As I've noted in prior posts, many people are regarded as shy, antisocial, or even weird just because they enjoy their own company. It doesn't matter that they make a genuine effort to interact with others. Because they're not constantly loud and seeking the spotlight -- and we see this happen all the time in the workplace -- they're labeled as awkward, secretive, and even stuck-up. And thanks to the press propagating the notion that all dangerous and mentally unstable people are loners, it has made the public fearful of anyone who comes across as reticent. What many people don't understand is that not everyone feels every thought that pops into their mind should be verbalized. Some of us simply like to observe and think through what we're going to say before opening our mouths. Introverts draw energy inward. After interacting with people for a good chunk of the day, they seek alone time in order to recharge their batteries. Such time allows them to ...

In order to ensure a long-lasting relationship, it's imperative that both people let their true selves come out from day one. Imagine your partner falling in love with a phony version of yourself you've been projecting just to impress them, whether it be a filthy rich playboy or bookish intellectual. Now picture yourself being head over heels for someone who's been dishonest about their personality, life goals, and hobbies. This seemingly wonderful person whom you thought you knew so well is more like a stranger. Wouldn't you want them drawn to the most authentic version of you? Otherwise, the other person will be with you for who they think you are, which could be an entirely different person. One's true colors come out sooner or later. Putting on a facade might help you in the short-term (e.g., you appear more confident or spontaneous), but eventually the real you will be thrown into sharp relief, and the other person may not be keen on sticking around -...

If you had a choice between being reviled for who you are, or valued for who you're not, which one would you be? Sadly, many people would go with the latter because they're under the misguided impression that we need others' approval in order to feel whole. So they go so far as to take on others' beliefs even if they don't agree with them, and others' interests despite not being drawn to them in the slightest -- all to get in their good graces and feel accepted. But here's the thing: If you feel you have to go to such lengths to cultivate a good relationship with someone, you're in the wrong company. While there's nothing wrong with being flexible on some fronts (e.g., trying out new foods, exploring new activities), if you find yourself fundamentally trying to change the very essence of your character and personality to appease others, something is not right. Never try to be someone you're not just to impress people who, at the end o...

While fake people have an image to maintain, real people just don't care about what others think of them. Fake people worry incessantly about what house, car, or clothing will make them look the best. Real people, on the other hand, are humble. They recognize that if a person is going to judge them based on whether they own a Corolla or Benz, that person shouldn't be in their life. Fake people alter their personality -- not to mention their values, beliefs, and attitudes -- just to appease others in a given situation. Real people stick to their principles no matter how much they're pressured to change. Fake people want to be loved by everyone so badly that they're willing to part with those things that make them unique. Real people would rather be hated for who they are than loved for who they're not. Real people know they may not always get their way, or be the most popular/admired person in the room, but they value integrity too much to sell out ...

Just as people are not infallible, relationships can never be perfect. Still, people should strive to be the best versions of themselves that they could possibly be. When you enter into a relationship with someone, you concede that it's not just about you anymore. Selfishness and egoism must be checked at the door. There will be times where the two of you bitterly disagree about certain things. You'll endure hardships along the way that will surely test your mettle as a couple. No matter how much time and effort you invest in the relationship, there will always be imperfections. No matter how much you wish your partner were neater, she may always be messy.  Perhaps you'd prefer if your boyfriend were more romantic, athletic, or bookish, but you've come to realize it'll never happen. There are aspects of our partner's personality we probably wish we could change -- even if we never say so aloud. But part of being with someone is accepting them...

"Being you is all that you can do," or so says a song I heard this morning by rock band Audioslave. The aptly named track "Be Yourself" describes what I feel people should aim to do all the time -- whether they're in the middle of a job interview, on a blind date, or at a party. Now, just because you project the "real you" doesn't mean you can't strive to better yourself, whether that means taking public speaking classes, giving up drinking, or becoming more charitable. But when it comes to your natural core -- your true temperament, your bedrock principles -- you should always stand firm. You shouldn't have to fake who you are just to impress other people. If others don't give their stamp of approval to the most genuine version of yourself, guess what? (1) You don't need their validation to begin with, and (2) You're with the wrong people. The right people for us, on the other hand, accept us for who we are -- flaws...

You know you're with the wrong person if you find yourself behaving in ways that don't come naturally to you just so you can appease your partner. In other words, you fundamentally change aspects of your personality and character just to secure the person's approval, which you're sure will translate into relationship bliss. As I've suggested in earlier posts, there's always room for some flexibility and compromise, but you should not feel like a radically different person when you're with your significant other. Perhaps you're not into spicy food, football, or museum hopping like your partner is, but you make the effort to partake in such activities because he or she enjoys them. At the same time, you might expect them to participate when it comes to your leisurely pursuits, whether fishing, painting, or watching National Geographic. But let's say you're a quiet, introverted person by nature, and gradually you come to the realization th...

Before you enter into a relationship, it's important that two conditions be met: (1) You love yourself, and (2) You feel happy and content without a partner. Relationship satisfaction is closely tied to personal life satisfaction, so the happier a person is in general, the happier he or she is likely to be in a relationship. Don't rely on a partner to make your life great; your life should already be great regardless of whom you're dating. If you don't love yourself, you'll always feel as though something is missing in your life -- even if your partner professes to love you to the moon and back. It isn't fair to depend on anyone else to fill that void. And why should they? A relationship isn't meant to "complete" you. A relationship isn't intended to "fulfill" you. It's meant to enrich your life. You're your own person with or without a partner. Just because you're single doesn't mean you enjoy eating a d...

In the absence of information about you, people resort to passing judgment. To fill in the gaps, they make unfounded assumptions about your personality and character. Here are a couple of examples: Because you're quiet, you must be weird, antisocial, or stuck-up. Because you don't want to have kids, you must be selfish.  Because you don't drink, you must be boring, religious, or uber conservative.  Because you don't eat meat, you must be vegan. Because you relish simplicity and have no interest in flashy gadgets, jewelry, or cars, you must not have a lot of money. Anything that goes against the grain of society tends to be judged harshly. People frown upon those who do or say things that run counter to the so-called herd mentality.  The fact is that you have no obligation whatsoever to justify your views, beliefs, or attitudes to anyone. While they have a right to think as they wish about you, you're entitled to live life as you wish without ...

Silence gets such a bad rap these days, and I don't know why. I've heard people say they loathe being in typically quiet settings -- say, libraries, churches, or local parks -- where it's so hushed in there that it totally unnerves them. I recently visited my alma mater's enormous library, which spans eight spacious floors. The sixth and seventh floors have been designated "quiet areas" where talking is all but forbidden. If someone on campus wishes to hear nothing but a pin drop while studying or working, they know to go to the library. It's my go-to place to get some reading done when I find myself too distracted at home. I only wish I had availed of it more when I was a student there. As an introvert, it's hardly a surprise that I relish silence. It helps me recharge my batteries after long days at work spent in meetings and alongside people around the office who just don't know when to zip it. Extroverts find silence off-putting bec...

According to a recent survey, many women still want their partner to be the primary breadwinner -- or at least make as much money as they do. More than 1 in 5 women -- or 22% -- say they wouldn't date someone who makes less money than them. That's compared with 4% of men who said they wouldn't date someone who earns less than they do. Another study found 69% of women said they'd feel uncomfortable paying all the bills compared with 46% of men. These findings aren't all that surprising. Despite the shrinking gender wage gap and more women rising to high-level executive positions, women still make less money than men for the same jobs -- 83 cents on the dollar. Thus, it follows that many women prefer having a partner whom they don't have to support. But women who are this picky may be missing out on great opportunities out in the dating realm. Even if he makes slightly less money, a man may make a great partner. Other variables should certainly be we...

You're probably asking yourself, "What in the world does Isolophilia mean?" It sounds like it would be something negative, doesn't it?  After all, words that end in "philia" (e.g., pedophilia) tend to involve things we want nothing to do with. But Isolophilia isn't something all people deplore. In fact, introverts like me welcome it. Put simply, Isolophilia is defined as having a strong affinity for solitude. It describes a person who relishes being alone. While extroverts can only take so much solitude, we introverts find that it rejuvenates us. In order to recharge our batteries, we need to retreat to a quiet environment where we we're left alone to rest and/or gather our thoughts. Extroverts, on the other hand, become bored and drained when they're alone for a lengthy period of time. Social interaction is the fuel that drives them. So while an extrovert would probably do anything to avoid feelings of Isolophilia in most cases, an...

Where do you go to escape the day-to-day? What do you consider your refuge? Is a quiet park near your house? A bustling neighborhood pub where you meet up with loads of people? One's answer will depend on a bevy of factors, including personality, financial resources, hobbies, and so forth. I'm getting ready to go to the library in a couple of minutes, which I consider my hideaway -- my home away from home, if you will. At the library, I become one with books. I love devouring, smelling, and taking notes on them. In this age of Kindles and other electronic devices, I remain firmly ensconced in the traditional book camp. I have an office at home that includes myriad books, magazines, my computer, filing cabinet, and all the other essentials. As much as I try to do a lot of reading at home, I never seem to get very far. There are simply too many distractions in the vicinity, from my wife watching TV to dogs barking to my comfy bed calling out my name. Beyond that, ...

Those who try too hard to be liked by everyone demonstrate two things: (1) they're insecure (2) they need others' approval/validation to feel better about themselves . They're the ones who cunningly adapt their personality to get in the other person's good graces. Consequently, they come off as being less genuine, willing to do almost anything to bolster their appeal. For example, they might say they share your passion for baseball or gardening when, in reality, they wouldn't be caught dead watching a game or fiddling with soil. I like to call these people fakes, charlatans, posers. There's a fine line between being gregarious and trotting out a deceptive persona. I urge people to be true to themselves -- to let the real them shine through. No one says that everyone has to like you. No one says you need the approval of all those around you. The day you relinquish the need for others' validation is the day you'll feel much happier in and about ...

Let's face it: We're all different. Some of us are shy and meek. Some of us are bold and aggressive. Some of us are bookish and cerebral. And still others love being the life of the party. No one personality is better than the other.  Just because I'm an introverted bookworm and you're a garrulous social butterfly doesn't mean either of us should prod the other into changing. We may neither hang out a lot nor have much in common, but we can still get along and communicate with one another tactfully. People can share their interests with others without any expectation of the person liking them. Yes, people are more likely to associate with like-minded individuals who share their passions -- baseball fans with other baseball fans, politics junkies with other politics junkies -- but we should still be accepting of others' personality, interests, and lifestyle, even if they don't align with ours. Yet, there are those who attack others who are diffe...

If there's one thing people don't like, it's to be bossed around -- much less by their partner. Relationships are all about compromise. Give and take. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. Bossing your partner around is the quickest way to leave someone feeling oppressed and resentful. People should be afforded the flexibility to make their own decisions. They have as much a right to give their two cents as the other person does. You are each other's mate; you're one another's companion. No one -- no matter their gender, race, job, economic background, or personality -- has dominion over anyone else. Talking over someone, choosing their meals for them at restaurants, exhorting them to do things against their wishes, grabbing and searching through their phone at will: this kind of behavior is wholly unacceptable. Now, there's nothing wrong with one person always taking the lead so long as his or her partner is okay with it. Some of us are too gun-...