How often have you acted against your own instincts just to secure someone's approval? How frequently do you allow others' idea of happiness become your own? You're not in the minority if you concede you've done the above more times than you could count.  Indeed, we tend to assign a disproportionate amount of weight to other people's opinions and judgments, leaving us sulking when we feel we've failed to meet their expectations. But it's important to remind ourselves whose validation ultimately matters. That's right, our own. It's not to say that your sister's opinion, neighbor's suggestion, or co-workers feedback should be discounted entirely. Other people's input can certainly give a us a feel for how others approach a given situation given their unique life experiences.  But if we're not careful, we may become so dependent on their two cents that they're the ones who will be in the driver's seat of our lives. You wouldn...

Do people try to make you feel guilty or foolish for wanting to do something that you know will make you happy in the long run, but that they perceive as wrong because it isn't something they'd do themselves? At the end of the day, it's your life! Whether you decide to date someone your friends may not be particularly keen on, venture into a field that does not square with what your parents envisioned, or nurture a hobby your co-workers may deem utterly dull, nobody's opinion should take precedence over your own gut instincts. Yes, the people near and dear to us may make well-meaning suggestions. But if they really think they know us better -- our passions, desires, goals -- than we know ourselves, they're flat-out fooling themselves. Let's face it: Sometimes going down a different path than others brings out their insecurities. People want you to think and act in ways that validate their own decisions. So when you do something that strikes them as...

Chances are there's someone in your midst who carries an ego bigger than the state of Texas. They're heavily preoccupied with looking good in front of others. They can't bear to lose, whether a promotion to a colleague or a game of chess to a friend. They have an unquenchable thirst to come out on top, no matter the cost. Why is it that some people have such oversized egos?  The answer lies in something known as the egocentric bias . First coined in 1980 by Anthony Greenwald, a psychologist at Ohio State University, egocentric bias is the tendency to depend too heavily on one's own perspective and/or have a higher opinion of oneself than reality. It stems from the psychological need to satisfy one's ego, which research suggests can be advantageous for memory consolidation. As it turns out, ideas, beliefs, and experiences are more easily recalled when they match one's own, inducing an egocentric perspective. The effects of egocentric bias can vary based...

You will never be good enough for everyone, but here's good news: You'll always be good enough for those people who deserve you. It's a certainty that you will come across people who have something to complain about. You're too quiet or too loud, too clean or too messy, too skinny or too fat, too lazy or too ambitious. It's nearly impossible to meet some individuals' exacting standards. But who says we have to meet such standards to begin with? The right people -- those who accept you for who you are -- will never press you to change. They'll appreciate you whether or not you drink, whether you gravitate toward books or sports, or whether you're bold or docile. (Of course, if you're engaging in dangerous behaviors -- like abusing alcohol or drugs -- they have every reason to goad you to change in that regard.) The right people will acknowledge whatever it is that makes you unique -- whether it's your passion for learning, quirky sen...

Conventional wisdom holds that if you do someone a favor, that person is bound to like you more. However, research has revealed something entirely different: If you do someone a favor, it is you who will like that person more as a result.  But how can this be? The reason is that we justify our actions to ourselves by assuming that we did the person the favor because, well, we really like them. This phenomenon is called the Ben Franklin effect . Franklin once quipped, "He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged." Legend has it that Franklin, a Founding Father and renowned scientist, leveraged this discovery to win the favor of a rival Pennsylvania legislator by asking the legislator to lend him a rare book and then showering him with gratitude. It worked like a charm. According to Franklin,"When we next met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had never done before), and with great civ...

A few days ago, I came across a picture on Facebook that had the following caption: "We buy stuff we don't need -- with money we don't have -- to impress people we don't like." Perhaps you can name a few people in your life -- whether at work or at the gym -- who do precisely that. Maybe that person has been you from time to time. The sad reality is that people often become so hung up on the things they perceive as missing in their lives that they lose sight of everything they already have. In many cases, this results from direct comparisons to people in their circle, thus igniting the urge to "Keep up with the Joneses." As I've said before, there's nothing wrong with indulging yourself every so often. Eat at that fancy restaurant you've been wanting to try. Buy yourself that expensive pair of shoes you say online. You work hard for your money; if you have the means, why not? I take issue, however, with people who have to have the...

Don't allow other people to define you. You define yourself . Your value doesn't depend on others' perception or opinion of you. Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth. People will judge you no matter what you say or do; they will always find something to criticize about you. Even if you've done countless nice things for them, they have no qualms about dredging up the one time you made a mistake or displeased them. Unfortunately, if you allow other people to define you, you'll likely be defined by your shortcomings rather than your best qualities. People are entitled to their own opinions about you, but they're certainly not entitled to their own facts about you. You're the gatekeeper to your own happiness. Never relinquish that role to anyone else. Never give people the power to dictate whether you smile or frown, stand or fall, move forward or recoil. Embrace your uniqueness -- all that makes you diff...

We all know or have met at least one person who never seems too worked up over anything. They appear calm and relaxed every time you see and talk to them. They keep themselves from getting wrapped up in drama or conflict, whether in the office or at home. Some people might say the person is probably content with their life, so there's absolutely no need for them to make waves and fix what isn't broken. Others may have a different opinion; they might surmise that the person is likely sad and that his or her life could use an infusion of fun and excitement. So who's right? One thing to keep in mind is that we don't know exactly what this individual is going through in his or her life, and it's possible we may not have a good grasp on their personality. What we can say is that if the person cares little to nothing about the following things, chances are he or she is in fact leading a happy life: What others think of them Having the "perfect life...

A couple of readers I've corresponded with recently have lamented the fact that someone who means a great deal to them -- whether their partner, child, or friend -- is either giving them the cold shoulder or flat-out treating them like garbage. Both are on bad terms because of a misunderstanding or argument of some sort; still, they've done their part to try and mend fences, but such efforts have proven fruitless. Here's a quote I came across today that is quite apropos: "Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth."  Put simply, just because one person fails to recognize the immense value you bring to their life doesn't mean others will make the same costly mistake.  That one person's untoward behavior should not eclipse the high marks you receive from those who do appreciate you.  Many people have a tendency to harp on the negative; they can't bear the thought of someone not liking them.  ...

Stop for a moment and pay careful attention to the words that follow, for they could change your life in a big way: You are a wonderful person -- one unlike any other on the face of the earth. You light up the world with a unique blend of talents, skills, and quirks. You've achieved great things and have so many more feats awaiting you. Others look up to and admire you. You inspire greatness in others and radiate optimism. You have every reason to love yourself for who you are.  Inevitably, some people will envy you. Some will try to tear you down. Some will spread lies about you in an effort to get you to share in their misery. But you don't have time for such naysayers. You embrace your uniqueness and love yourself to the fullest, not allowing anyone else to cramp your style or dampen your high spirits. You recognize that no one knows you better than you know yourself. No one else pays your bills or is there for you every single second of your life. You're your ...

Swiss psychiatrist and psychotherapist Carl Jung (1875-1961) once said, "Thinking is difficult, that's why most people judge." I think Jung hit this one out of the park. People, in general, are lazy thinkers. They try to minimize their thinking as much as possible, thus the reason my social psychology professor in college once told my class that human beings are "cognitive misers." I think this explains in part why people have become so reliant on reality television -- or, more broadly, TV in general -- for entertainment. In this era of Netflix and streaming content, the last thing most people are thinking about is reading Shakespeare for leisure. Technology, moreover, seems to be exacerbating the problem. The easier things become, the less inclined we are to think critically to arrive at solutions to problems. And why don't people want to think? Because it's difficult, taxing, strenuous. Most people wish to spend as little brainpower as poss...

In recent weeks, I've written various posts with one common refrain: You should never change just to please other people. Still, many of us find it hard to contain this impulse. We place such a high premium on others' approval that we go to the ends of the earth to get people's attention, fishing for their compliments whenever and wherever possible. A generous compliment every now and then is nice, but isn't your validation of yourself sufficient? I know people who tailor everything about themselves -- from their hairdo to their car to their home -- to others' specifications. And I'm not just talking friends and family members -- these people cater to even their coworkers. When did going with our own opinion -- the one that really matters -- go out of style? Why give someone else so much power over your decisions? I understand that at times we may take our cue from others who are more knowledgeable in certain areas. For example, maybe your cousin o...

It's hard to believe a new year is upon us. It feels like it was yesterday we were ringing in 2014! We've all had our share of happy moments and challenges this year. My now-wife and I got married in March and saw snow for the first time on our honeymoon to Washington D.C. We also closed on a condo just a couple of days ago, but not before enduring 11 frustrating months that saw two other deals fall through and produced plenty of tears and headaches. Thankfully, after closing, the tears coming down my wife's face were those of joy. We all have something to be thankful for and great moments to look forward to in 2015. Among the highlights of my year was the launch of this blog. Not only has it allowed me to write about topics about which I'm passionate in the realm of psychology, but it's given me the opportunity to meet a host of smart, caring people. I launched the blog toward the end of summer and in that short span of time it has already garnered close ...