I want to preface this post by saying that no one in a relationship -- be it platonic or amorous -- is perfect. No one is entirely blameless over the course of relational ups and downs. We all possess flaws, some more regrettable than others.  That being said, having the finger pointed at you all the time -- despite the fact you know the other person shares blame or is entirely at fault -- can be demoralizing.  It hints at one important truth Those who take it upon themselves to make everyone else the culprit and themselves the victim suffer from an acute lack of humility. Whether they have an inflated ego or were never taught to look deep within and concede when they've wrong, these people have a penchant for projecting their follies onto others.  They may act as though they have not the slightest idea they're in the wrong, but it's all a charade to hide their culpability behind the guise of obliviousness and not be held accountable.  How to approach these folks The...

It isn't always easy to kiss someone in your life goodbye. When it comes to toxic folks who put our happiness at risk, however, it should be a no brainer.  Naturally, we want to surround ourselves with individuals who make us laugh, help us grow, and stand by us in good times and bad ones.  But it's inevitable that, along the way, we will encounter some rotten eggs -- those who seemingly can't bear the thought of anyone but them being happy.  Jettison people in your life who are corrosive to your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Whether it's a friend, partner, relative, or acquaintance, there is no place in your orbit for somebody who's bent on making you miserable. Life is too short for that, and you deserve better. I've have had to sever ties with friends -- or so I thought they were friends -- who ended up turning against me.  Perhaps they were jealous of my good grades or other friends whom they felt threatened by. Whatever the reason, I pulled th...

Sometimes it isn't that someone has changed, but that now you see them for who they really are. It can be disappointing to realize that someone whom you held in high esteem -- whether an old friend or relatively new girlfriend -- isn't as you imagined. Maybe you've noticed a pattern of lies, throwing cold water on the rosy impression you'd built of them in your mind. Perhaps they'd hidden the fact that they have a massive heap of debt, a never-before-mentioned ex who continues reaching out to them, or aspirations of moving to Europe in a year. Do some people change for the worst over time? In some instances, yes. It's possible they could grow complacent, envious, or flat-out bitter in the relationship, and things like alcohol and stress at work may be culprits -- though they're certainly not valid reasons for bad behavior. But in other cases, they manage to put up a front -- rather effectively, I might add -- that may persist for years. The p...

In the last couple of months, a few of my readers have reached out to me seeking advice on how to cope with the fact that a relationship that once held great promise has imploded completely. They imagined themselves spending their entire lives with their partner, so coming to terms with the harsh reality that the individual didn't turn out as they expected and is no longer around has been immensely difficult.  They feel anxious, depressed, and lost. Despite the fact that they realize the person isn't right for them (as much as they wish they were), and that going their separate ways is for the best, a part of them clings to the hope that they can patch things up.  This prompts them to reach out to their ex against their better instincts. They keep looking for a sign -- one moment, one conversation -- to convince them that things are on the mend.  Alas, that sign never seems to come.  The more they talk, the more my readers seem to argue with the...

Want to know the most ironic thing about those who are full of themselves? It's that people who are full of themselves are mostly empty on the inside.  If someone is heavily preoccupied with themselves, it can only mean that they're aiming to compensate for something they perceive as lacking. They can't quite put a finger on what's missing, so what do they do? Spend hundreds of dollars and countless hours on clothing, makeup, cars, and the like. So what might these people be trying to compensate for? It could include: Low self-esteem A sagging level of confidence Loneliness Feeling as though their life lacks direction  It's no surprise that many people who were perceived as bad boys/girls in their younger years later admit that they were the farthest thing away from tough and confident.  They simply rebelled as a way of channeling the discontent they felt about and in their lives. Let us make a clear distinction between confidence and co...

Just as people are not infallible, relationships can never be perfect. Still, people should strive to be the best versions of themselves that they could possibly be. When you enter into a relationship with someone, you concede that it's not just about you anymore. Selfishness and egoism must be checked at the door. There will be times where the two of you bitterly disagree about certain things. You'll endure hardships along the way that will surely test your mettle as a couple. No matter how much time and effort you invest in the relationship, there will always be imperfections. No matter how much you wish your partner were neater, she may always be messy.  Perhaps you'd prefer if your boyfriend were more romantic, athletic, or bookish, but you've come to realize it'll never happen. There are aspects of our partner's personality we probably wish we could change -- even if we never say so aloud. But part of being with someone is accepting them...

A relationship begins to decay as soon as one or both partners gets in the habit of personalizing blame.  The formal psychological term for this is “causal attribution.” In a nutshell, when something goes wrong, one person can assign blame to the other by attributing the problem to what they perceive as his or her weaknesses, flaws, or characteristic behavior. The accuser make things personal by beginning sentences with the word “you." Examples may include: “You never listen” "You always screw it up" “You’re always too busy” "You're never on time" "You never take my feelings into account" "This is so typical of you" It goes without saying that this type of attribution can be catastrophic. Personalizing blame can elicit defensive behavior from the other person that may potentially lead to a vicious cycle of blame. Once one person starts pointing the finger, the other tends to follow suit. And if neither is willing ...

There are no regrets in life -- only lessons learned. Regretting that which is now in the past -- and thus cannot be changed -- serves absolutely no purpose but to make us feel dejected. Learn from your mistakes so that you're not doomed to repeat them. In that way, you're actually channeling all that negativity into something positive and constructive. Regrets, then, can help facilitate growth so long as we have the right mindset. Let's suppose you cheated on a wonderful man or woman -- a terrible mistake you refuse to forgive yourself for. If you already apologized to your ex and have pledged to remain faithful to future partners, what more can you really do? Move on, and if you've learned anything from your misstep, you'll know not to jeopardize a relationship ever again. The same reasoning applies to missed job opportunities, friendships gone awry, or any other situations that would have turned out much more favorably had you behaved differently. ...

Relationships don't die a natural death. Their demise is brought on by selfishness, lies, neglect, and a lack of compassion and consideration toward one's partner.  In some relationships, only one partner is responsible for causing a rift, and in others, both partners are to blame. Unfortunately, some people expect their partner to do all the heavy lifting, leaving the other physically, mentally, and emotionally drained and effectively running the relationship into the ground.  If people don't want to do their fair share, why enter into a relationship at all? A relationship is a partnership between two individuals. Both of them invest in, maintain, and enhance the relationship so that each feels they're not just reaping benefits, but dispensing them to the other as well. In most cases, both partners put in comparable effort in the early stages of dating as they're getting to know one another.  It's when complacency begins to set in ...

Relationships don't die on their own. They end because one or both partners fail to invest the time, energy, and effort to sustain them. They put everything before the relationship -- work, chores, kids, hobbies -- and are then left wondering why things took such a bad turn. A relationship can't maintain itself. Just because you've been with someone for 20 years, share the same interests, or you're convinced nothing could ever tear you apart doesn't mean it can't go down the tubes. If both partners aren't actively contributing to the relationship, they can drift apart in no time, potentially opening the door to drinking, depression, cheating, and other circumstances that can put the relationship on a downward spiral from which it may never recover. On the flip side, those who genuinely want the relationship to remain strong never cease doing the little things -- the love notes/texts, a surprise dinner here and there, a kiss upon waking up and bef...

Though falling in love and staying in love might seem the same, they're certainly not. So what's the key difference? We fall in love by chance, but we stay in love by choice. Of course, whether we stay in love depends just as much on us as it does our partner. If one or both partners cease doing these things, it's possible one or both can fall out of love: Surprising the other with love notes, leaving little gifts, going on romantic walks at the beach, and doing other things that drew you closer together in the beginning of the relationship Allocating time and energy for each other as opposed to always putting work or friends first Infusing the relationship with variety so that things don't become routine (e.g., trying out new restaurants, visiting new destinations, etc.) Being there for one another in good times and bad, whether it's to be present for a birthday or console the other following the death of a loved one Striving to better them...

We all possess a pretty amazing power. No, it's not the power to fly, shoot fireballs, or become invisible, even though those would definitely come in handy at times! We're instead endowed with the power to let go -- of people and things which bring us harm or fail to enrich our lives in meaningful ways. Many of us assume that we need to hold on to/perpetuate toxic relationships because we've known the people for a long time or we fear that others will not accept us as they did. Once a person becomes a mental or emotional burden in your life, that's when you know you're better of letting go. And waiting around for them to change is usually an exercise in futility. People hardly ever do. Additionally, once a job starts to suck you dry -- adversely affecting your physical and mental health -- that's a clear sign it's time to start looking for something else. No job is worth sacrificing your well-being for. Few people realize how powerful the abili...

Unfortunately, the word "apologize" isn't in everyone's vocabulary. In fact, many people would stop talking to someone altogether before deigning to apologize to them. Why is it so hard for people to apologize? For one, they have huge egos. They can't bring themselves to show any contrition if their lives depended on it -- no matter how serious their actions. Secondly, they might be in denial, refusing to acknowledge they did anything wrong in the first place. Or, they may try to cast blame on external forces -- anything other than themselves -- including the weather, the alarm clock, or their neighbor. Showing remorse enables one to demonstrate a truly humane side of themselves. People may be reluctant to say sorry lest their apology not be accepted. But the fact of the matter is that the mere act of apologizing makes it much more likely you'll be forgiven. Unless you do something so horrible that an apology falls flat, simply saying the...

I know most of us try to avoid fighting with our partners and friends like the plague. After all, no one wants to be left feeling hurt or resentful. While arguments have been the primary culprit for the demise of many friendships and relationships, they've also been cited as the reason many became stronger over time. I've experienced this firsthand. In fact, I have had pretty bad fights with my wife and closest friends over the years. Somehow, though, I grew closer to all of them following the squabbles. I think an argument can only work in both parties' favor if they each concede some wrongdoing. Both have to be humble enough to admit that while they don't deserve full blame, some of the finger pointing is probably justified. If, however, one person refuses to acknowledge fault, fighting will only help the relationship see a quicker demise. Both parties must also be open to taking conciliatory measures. Saying "I'm sorry" is a good start. Both i...