The success of a relationship depends on both partners supporting and protecting each other's freedom.  Although your lives are intertwined, both of you should retain your individuality, your sense of self. Your identity should not become all wrapped up in the other person. You aren't just a boyfriend or husband. You're your own person -- one with a unique set of values, passions, and attitudes.  While having commonalities enhances the relationship, it's okay -- suggested, even -- to have disparate interests, which can better the relationship in its own right.   Maybe John loves to read and Becky would rather binge on Netflix. Perhaps Tony is a big sports buff while Susan is big on museums and cultural events.  That way, the two of you can always learn something from one another and have something different to contribute to the conversation. And chances are that over time, you one of his/her hobbies may actually grow on you.  To give you an example, my wife...

I feel many people have a misguided sense of what a partner's role should be.  They assume a partner is there to fix their every problem, to complete them.  But this is erroneous thinking and could very well lead the relationship down a dangerous path.  Relationships can promote personal growth and help individuals fulfill their own goals. For example, your partner can help you become a better person by teaching you how to play the guitar; taking you to the local museum to explore immersive exhibits; and opening your eyes to new perspectives, like benefits of eating more veggies and less red meat.  The idea that a relationship can help an individual become a better person is a phenomenon termed self-expansion. Indeed, relationships that provide more expansion are tend to be of higher quality. But this needn't be mistaken with relying on a partner to allay your every concern, resolve your every dilemma, and continually boost your self-esteem.  We need to take res...

Everyone strives to be liked by all whom they come across -- co-workers, friends, acquaintances.  But what good is gaining someone's favor if it means changing who you are? Let's face it: There will always be something about you that someone is going to be displeased about, whether it's your gift for gab or penchant for quietness, your insistence on not drinking or your passion for the environment. Indeed, certain interests or personality traits may put you at odds with some people because they may not be, dare I say, mainstream? For example, almost all my sports-loving friends are football fanatics. I've never been big on pigskin, but I have been drawn to baseball from an early age.  I happen to think baseball is exciting, but most of my friends would beg to differ, always questioning how I can get into such a "dull" game. You may have found yourself in a similar situation when it comes to your political views, religious beliefs, or quiet demeanor. What I...

It's a fact of life: Whether at work, on the dating circuit, or even in our own families, we come across people who try to undermine us. Our first instinct may be to try to prove them wrong. But this is precisely what you shouldn't do. The quicker one realizes that their happiness doesn't depend on anyone but themselves, the faster they can enjoy the sweet smell of life fulfillment. Here are a few tips for dealing with such individuals. 1. Don't let them get the best of you. It's only natural to become defensive when someone attempts to make you feel small. But it can only bother you if you allow them to. As hard as it may be, you must keep your emotions in check. Rather than indulging them in a shouting match, walk away. 2. Don't seek their validation. Striving to obtain others' approval communicates a few things: (a) You think they're above you (b) You think they're right and you're wrong (c) You wish to be more like them than your ...

What makes us powerful is not that we're better than anyone else, for everyone has flaws. It's that we're different from them. Sure, "different" can carry a negative connotation if it means the person is, say, a drug addict, woman beater, or compulsive gambler. In this context, however, different means unique. Maybe you know no one who can whip up a mean apple pie like you can. Perhaps people lean on you for all things spelling and grammar because they regard you as the ultimate wordsmith. Or, you're an expert a fixing cars, playing the violin, chess, or scubadiving. We all bring a different set of talents to the table -- ones we should not only embrace, but continually aim to strengthen. Having unique skills shouldn't be perceived as an excuse to show off or pretend one is above others. Instead, it affords us the opportunity to: 1. Demonstrate to others the kinds of things we love (which may not align with their interests, and that...

If you had a choice between being reviled for who you are, or valued for who you're not, which one would you be? Sadly, many people would go with the latter because they're under the misguided impression that we need others' approval in order to feel whole. So they go so far as to take on others' beliefs even if they don't agree with them, and others' interests despite not being drawn to them in the slightest -- all to get in their good graces and feel accepted. But here's the thing: If you feel you have to go to such lengths to cultivate a good relationship with someone, you're in the wrong company. While there's nothing wrong with being flexible on some fronts (e.g., trying out new foods, exploring new activities), if you find yourself fundamentally trying to change the very essence of your character and personality to appease others, something is not right. Never try to be someone you're not just to impress people who, at the end o...

It's a real shame that people take issue with others loving themselves and being comfortable in their own skin, but that's the sad reality. Why would they have a problem with it, you ask? Well, if the person is markedly different than them in some way -- say, they don't drink or they embrace a minimalist lifestyle -- it could trigger unsettling insecurities. Some individuals don't like the thought of others asserting their individuality because it makes them feel unsure of their own habits, values. and predilections. That in turn may prompt them to try to change the more unique individual into someone that more closely resembles themselves. They'll goad them to have a drink, or to go out and fork over gobs of money on clothes. How should you handle these people? It's quite simple. If they can't handle you at your most authentic, then it's their problem. Under no circumstances should you give in to their desire to change you to fit their...

People need to stop comparing themselves to others, or happiness will always elude them. Someone will always be smarter. Someone will always be more attractive. Someone will always be younger. Someone will always be more popular. But they will never be you. Society makes being "the best" out to be the Holy Grail, but is uniqueness not more important? We bring a unique combination of qualities, skills, and quirks to the table -- ones that make us who we are. By comparing yourself to other people, you're essentially saying there is a standard against which you wish to compare yourself. This, for many people, leads to a sudden urge to want to be more like others, thereby relinquishing key facets of their individuality. Sure, you might admire smart, health-conscious, or stylish people and wish to surround yourself with those of that ilk so as to learn a few things from them. However, that should never translate into abandoning the very goals, principles, attit...

Over the years, people have told me that they wish they could free themselves of their own sensitivity, claiming it has led to deep heartache and hurt feelings. I told them that nixing their sensitive nature will only demonstrate one thing: That they are succumbing to the desires of others. If you've read several other of my posts, you'll know that a recurring theme on this blog is the concept of individuality , and how important it is that we hold on to the things that distinguish us from other people. By becoming the hardened, unemotional person others push you to be, you're just letting them win .  So what is one to do? Well, no one says you can't be sensitive and firm simultaneously. We can be kind, generous, and compassionate toward others without granting them the latitude to trample on our feelings. The key is to make clear that although you have a soft side, you are totally capable of summoning a bolder, no-nonsense version of yourself that won'...

Rather be by yourself than around fake friends? You're not alone. Rather be alone than in a relationship with a superficial individual? Join the club. Every coin has two sides. Similarly, many people we come across on a daily basis are unapologetically two-faced. Here are just a few reasons why people struggle to be genuine: They succumb to social pressure, relinquishing their individuality in the process.  They think they need to be different in order to gain approval from others, even if "different" means shallow and conniving.  They're selfish . They want to get their way, and they don't care whom they have to backstab -- and in what fashion -- to do so. They have a low self-esteem. These people firmly believe that being themselves isn't good enough, so they must resort to being deceptive and disingenuous.  That being said, never pay any mind to those who say it's better to be around fake people than it is to enjoy your own company. ...

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Similarly, happiness means different things to different people. Joe's ideas of happiness may be earning 200K a year because it provides him the means to afford his big mansion and fancy cars -- even if it comes at the expense of having to work long 60 hour weeks. Ana's version of happiness may be far more modest. Give her a small apartment filled with books and pets and she's in bliss. Sam, for his part, might find happiness in moving to a different city every other year, while Betty might take delight in being a stay-at-home mom. Different strokes for different folks. Judging others for their likes and lifestyles is no less inappropriate than passing judgment on, say, their physical appearance. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, yes, but that doesn't grant them the latitude to criticize others' choices just because they don't align with theirs. I may aspire to become a manager, but you mi...

We all have dreams that may seem like a longshot to other people, whether it be starting a business, publishing a book, or traveling the world. But should others' opinions really get in the way of our hopes and aspirations? Absolutely not! When people doubt you and go as far as to say you won't achieve something, take the utmost pleasure in trying to prove them wrong. Don't allow their skepticism to make you question your abilities; instead, let it fuel your passion and drive even further. As long as we believe in ourselves, work tirelessly, and continue to fight for what we want despite the odds being stacked against us, we have a shot. In life, we won't really know unless we try. And even if it turns out that we come up a bit short, it doesn't mean we've failed. It just means life has different -- and better -- plans in store. There will always be those who dismiss our plans as mere pipe dreams. Don't listen to these folks, for they're li...

One of the biggest challenges we face is trying to be ourselves in a world that is trying to make us like everyone else. Some people will stop at nothing to get you to think and act like them. Don't allow it! Make it clear that you will relinquish your uniqueness for no one. Assert that you will celebrate your individuality until your last breath. When they push you to blend in, learn to stand apart. When they goad you to compromise your values or beliefs, stand firm like a rock. Why would anyone wish to be a replica rather than an original? Sure, human bonding calls for a bit of compromise -- a little give and take, if you will. But never should anyone make you feel bad for being resolute in your desire to project your most authentic self to the world. Extroverts might try to convert you into one of them. No matter how well you fake it, though, your introverted temperament will win out because, well, it's the real you. You need solitude in order to recharge you...

Do you embrace your uniqueness? Do you like the fact that you have quirks, talents, and convictions that set you apart from your peers? Do you take pride in the fact that there can never be another you ? If so, the last thing you should allow is for other people to change you. I mean, really...who are they to dictate how you should think and act? Are you not a grown adult capable of making your own decisions? As I've stressed in several other posts, people will try to goad you into changing for a variety of reasons: There's something about you that's a little different, and that makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure. They subscribe to the herd mentality, believing everyone in their immediate circle should share exactly the same beliefs, habits, goals, etc. They secretly envy you: Rather than celebrate your good qualities, they'd rather see you lose them; instead of cheering your successes, they take delight in your failures.  Indeed, certain people we...

Many of us get into relationships and fall into one common trap: losing one's self-identity. Both individuals spend so much time together that they neglect their personal needs and interests -- the ones independent of the relationship. This can only lead to trouble on several fronts. For one, when two people are attached at the hip, especially early on in the relationship, they may eventually settle into routines and grow bored of each other. Both people should continue to cultivate the hobbies they enjoyed before they hooked up. Similarly, they should continue working on goals -- career-related or otherwise -- that they set out to achieve when they were single. Not only does this ensure continual progress in their personal or professional lives, but it means they have something they can share with one another that goes beyond themselves. This, in turn, keeps the relationship fresh. Giving each other space is doubly beneficial: it affords you the opportunity to miss e...

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.  "Finding yourself" seems to imply that there's only one possible version of you that can exist, and you're on a quest to find it. But this couldn't be farther from the truth. For instance, just because you're innately shy doesn't mean you can't take public speaking courses that will help bring you out of your shell. And just because you were dreadful at math as a kid doesn't mean you can't work at bettering your math skills, paving the way for a successful career as math teacher or financial analyst. With drive and hard work, we can will ourselves to become any way we like. We have more of a hand in shaping our future and achieving goals we set for ourselves than most of us readily acknowledge or realize. Unfortunately, many people choose to down a path different from what their heart desires because they want to fit in with or please others. In that case, yo...

So many of us have a tendency to base our decisions around those of others. We buy a certain car because our neighbor just bought a similar one. We suddenly feel the urge to have a child because all our friends are having kids. Our coworker gets a promotion and all of the sudden, we want one. Even though we don't drink or eat sushi, everyone in our book club does, so we feel pressured to follow suit. Unfortunately, many us fall victim to the herd mentality. We'll do almost anything not to stand apart from our fellow peers in any way. We hate the thought of being ostracized or left out, so we try to shadow their behavior -- in everything from the clothes they wear to the products they buy. I'm of the belief that embracing your uniqueness is the key to self-fulfillment. People will always try to impose their beliefs and attitudes on you so you can think and act like them. Why? Because it validates the decisions they've made. If you opt to go down a different pat...

Take a moment to ask yourself these questions: To what extent do you strive to live up to society's expectations of you?  How frequently do you try to do what everyone else does, only because that's the so-called "norm"? How often do you do things to appease others just so that you're liked and accepted? We live in a society that promotes a herd mentality rather than individuality . It's normal to be concerned about what others think of us, but some people follow the crowd to the exclusion of their feelings, likes, dislikes, and beliefs. How did we become like this? Why do so many of us care so deeply about what people who don't pay our bills and who likely won't be at our side when we're dying say and think about us? It all goes back to the days of early civilization, when cavemen roamed the earth. Back then, people had to band together in order to ensure their survival. The more people they could collaborate with, the better th...

Maybe you're the quintessential book nerd like me. Or an avid painter. Or a fervent coin collector. Maybe you're a germophobe, teetotaler (i.e., you never drink alcohol), or obsessive Dodgers fan. There's something about you that likely sets you apart from everyone. That's a good thing, right? Well, not to all people. As I have emphasized on this blog before, when someone is a little different from everyone else in the pack, it tends to make certain people a little uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, in fact, that they might try to change you. For example, you might be a hardcore baseball fan, but the vast majority of people are into football. Your friends may try to dismiss baseball as boring and attempt to convert you into a fan of the pigskin. If you find yourself in a similar situation, do not -- I repeat, do not -- cave! People ought to mind their own business and respect the unique tastes and preferences of others. If you've given football a try and...

Today's quote comes from Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), an American poet, essayist, and lecturer who led the Transcendentalist movement of the mid-19th century: "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson It's amazing how Emerson's words ring especially true in this digital era we live in. Whether it's on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, people are always trying to one-up each other in an effort to get as many "likes" and positive comments as they can get. They lose sight of their true selves and instead turn into the individuals society wants them to be. In essence, they sell out for social approval. Indeed, society says that we should do all the following: Look as skinny as possible Have as many kids as possible Get married as early as possible Work in the most prestigious high-paying jobs (vice president, etc.) Possess as much money and materi...