I'm often asked how one can determine whether a relationship is worth salvaging, or if it's time to put it out to pasture once and for all.  Let's face it: Relationships are hard. Through their ups and downs, their twists and turns, maintaining them takes a great deal of time and energy.  It's when one or both partners no longer care to invest said time and energy that it may be time to pull the plug.  Because a relationship cannot be carried on only one person's shoulders, and it certainly cannot maintain itself. I've found myself grasping to keep ties with a particular person strong only because of our shared history. But once I realized that they didn't value that history as deeply as I did, I asked myself, "What's the point?" I'm all for doing everything in your power to reinvigorate the relationship before throwing in the towel. But in the process, one must assess whether the other individual is doing their part. Are they initiating ca...

It sounds counterintuitive, right? As we approach Thanksgiving, we aim to be thankful for the wonderful folks in our lives The ones who are there for us when we need them. The ones who lift us when we hit rock bottom emotionally. So you might be wondering why in the world I'm suggesting we should be grateful for the naysayers, the toxic folks, the unredeemable narcissists.  Well, if we didn't have people like this in our lives, we would never come to appreciate those who embody the exact opposite qualities -- decency, respect, humility, and integrity, among others. That isn't to say that you should keep these folks in your life unnecessarily. Sometimes we need to put up with them for a job (the tyrannical boss) or for someone else's sake (the meddling in-laws).  But when someone is that unpleasant, it's easy to draw a contrast between them and the individuals you've come to respect and admire, e.g., sweet Sue in human resources or your boyfriend's caring cou...

If there's anything this pandemic has taught us, it's that going forward the perk most requested by job applicants may not be a robust salary and benefits package (which remains crucial, of course), but the flexibility to telecommute. Gone are the days where employees were perfectly content sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic to make it to a pointless 9 a.m. meeting that could have just as easily been handled via Microsoft Teams or Zoom.  If there's anyone who can attest to the misery of an agonizingly long commute, it's yours truly.  I work a mere 8.2 miles away from home, but my morning and evening commute during the school year runs anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour! (And if there's an accident, I flirt with an hour and a half.) Blame it on antiquated infrastructure and a city population bursting at the seams.  You can imagine what a wonderful respite working from home has been for people like myself who have to contend with clogged streets and jam-packed highw...

Do you sense that you and a close friend have been drifting apart? Maybe you only connect via text or FaceTime on birthdays and other special occasions whereas before your spouses had to beg each of you to get off the phone every day. Or, perhaps you met up for lunch once a week and now you're lucky if you can convene once a year. Take heart: It happens in many a friendship. What truly puts friendships to the test is when both people find themselves in different stages of life. Or, they can be in the same stage of life and just be too preoccupied to attend to one another like they did in the heyday of the friendship. This can include one or both individuals: Getting a new (and more demanding) job.  Moving to a different city.  Making new friends.  Hooking up with/marrying someone. Having children. Taking up new hobbies and interests. As people get older, their priorities do change, which leaves less time for friendships. But in the strongest f...

Have you ever sensed -- based on the way someone treats or talks about you -- that they're green with envy? You're not alone. Here's what I believe envy to be, even though it differs slightly from the definition found in the dictionary. Envy is a veiled form of admiration.  It's when someone realizes you possess something -- whether it be a physical object or intangible attribute -- that they perceive as lacking in their own life. Maybe they wish they had a position as high up the corporate ladder as yours, a partner as attractive as your spouse, or a temperament to match your calm and collected demeanor. Sadly, these people don't realize we all face unenviable battles of some kind -- from personal illnesses to financial hardship -- about which we may remain tight-lipped. Why would you envy someone else anyway? Just because they have a lot of money, for example, doesn't mean they're truly happy beneath the surface. If they have to work...

Some people don't appreciate all the things you do for them until you cease doing them at all. They end up learning the hard way that they didn't know what they had until it vanished from their life. And, by then, it's probably too late. No one wishes to be taken for granted. Yet, many people don't live their life by the motto, "Treat others as you would want to be treated." Some people just grow accustomed to others' nice gestures -- whether it's getting a call from them every week or a surprise visit every month -- and it doesn't occur to them that maybe they should return the favor every now and then. Relationships aren't just about giving, but receiving as well. They take turns scratching ones another's backs. One person should not be carrying the load on their own, contributing a disproportionate amount of time and energy. You should never feel embarrassed to address how you feel you're efforts aren't acknowledged...

No one is "too busy" for you, at least not all the time. Those who say that are being dishonest. Sure, they may be too busy to call back or respond to your text today, tomorrow, or even this whole week. But to go several weeks -- if not months -- without getting back to you is just, well, too much for anyone to have to stomach. Even if someone is going through a rough patch in their life, a quick note to say as much -- and that they will touch base once the situation improves -- will more than suffice. Being left hanging isn't what someone who values you does. If anything, it demonstrates the exact opposite: indifference. People prioritize the things and people that matter to them. Such a situation is made all the more demoralizing when you recognize that you yourself make a conscious effort to respond to others even when you're down in the dumps. But as I've noted time and again, you can't expect people to behave exactly as you would or care a...

Finding out your significant other has cheated on you can be utterly devastating. You gave this individual everything -- your love, your trust, your loyalty -- only to discover they didn't value you enough to do the same.  It can be difficult to see a silver lining in such a horrible turn of events. But something good usually comes out of a bad situation, and this one is no different.  Here are three ways you can look on the bright side after you've been dealt such an emotional blow: 1. You're now more familiar with the red flags to watch out for. The writing was on the wall early on. You were either oblivious to the signs, or you sensed something might be amiss, but you gave your partner the benefit of the doubt. This terrible experience has at least sharpened your ability to sniff out a cheater. Going forward, the chances that someone's infidelity will go undetected are far lower. Now, this doesn't mean we need to become cynical with every pe...

Chances are you've already heard or read about the untimely passing of NBA icon Kobe Bryant, his daughter Gianna, and 7 other passengers in a horrific helicopter crash that took place Sunday. Kobe had it all: Money, fame, family, health. And, yet, his life was taken from him just like that. Perhaps someone special in your own life has died unexpectedly, leaving you heartbroken and questioning why such events befall us. It really puts things in perspective and demonstrates just how precious life really is. Rather than holding grudges and stressing over insignificant things, we should strive to make the most of the short time we're on this planet. And we can do that by: Counting our blessings and making the most of what we have instead of always perceiving something as missing. Cherishing time spent with friends and family.  Indulging hobbies that make us come alive, whether that be reading, sunbathing, or volunteering at the local shelter.  Aiming to ach...

Do you find yourself in a troublesome relationship? Have you had just about enough of your partner's BS? No matter the circumstances, take heart from this: Many people out there are going through the exact same thing. Maybe you caught your boyfriend cheating and found it in your heart to give him a second chance, though you continually question the wisdom of your decision. Maybe your wife's reckless spending habits have put a major dent in your finances. Or, perhaps your husband doesn't invest nearly as much time or energy as you do, leaving you feeling as though you're carrying the relationship on your shoulders. A relationship is essentially a partnership that two people -- not one -- strive to keep strong and vibrant. One where both individuals' voices are heard and concerns are addressed. I'm a strong proponent of couples doing all they can to make it work, even if it entails enlisting the help of a counselor. If they're genuinely inter...

When someone feels no remorse over cheating on their partner, it only means they never cared for them in the first place. Think about the world of hurt that revelations of infidelity can put the victim in. It's like taking a knife and stabbing the person right in the heart. Studies have shown that emotional pain can be just as damaging -- if not more so -- than physical pain. And when one experiences this form of betrayal, it can feel as though their world has come crashing down. Imagine investing your time, effort, and emotions in someone who chose to throw it all away in an act (or several) of pure selfishness. The least they could do is fess up and allow their partner to find someone who will actually value their loyalty. Unfortunately, it's very hard to discern early into the relationship whether your partner is prone to cheating, or will slip at some point. (It isn't as if you're going to put out feelers by asking his friends or relatives whether he...

"Well done is better than well said" is a popular axiom you may have heard before. Can you guess who came up with it? (Hint: He appears in the image featured in this post.) Well, it is attributed to none other than Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790). To say this Founding Father of the United States had an impressive is an understatement. He was a printer, author, political theorist, postmaster, diplomat, inventor, scientist, humorist, civic activist, statesman, among other things. Essentially, what Franklin is saying that, while words are nice, one's actions ultimately carry far more meaning. Put simply, actions speak louder than words. And we all know from experience that while many people can talk the talk, not everyone can walk the walk. Maybe you were once in a relationship with someone who claimed he cared about you, but never invested the time and energy you did. Or perhaps you had a friend who never seemed to be there when you needed her most, even tho...

If I were to ask you what might make someone in your life -- whether a friend or dating prospect -- build a deep affection for you, what would you say? Your first instinct might be to respond with, "Doing nice things for them." Ironically, though, research has shown that we can actually get people to care about us more by having them do favors for us.  At first blush, this might seem rather counterintuitive, but it actually makes perfect sense. We have an affinity for the things and people we invest resources in -- whether time or money. So if we're taking time out of our busy day for someone, we start to think, "Hey, I must really care about this individual if I'm going the extra mile." Sure, if people do nice things for us, we can form a favorable impression of them. But it isn't until we find ourselves going out of our way for them that we realize they may very well occupy a special place in our heart. If being nice alone did the trick...

Human beings have a tendency to stick it out with costly decisions, and it can be attributed directly to the sunk cost fallacy. According to this psychological concept, the more we invest -- whether it be money, time, or emotions -- the less likely we are to abandon our initial choices. There are many examples of the sunk cost fallacy in action. For example, if you've invested $10,000 in a women's studies degree even though you recognize your job prospects following graduation are looking a tad bleak, you're likely to press on. Or, perhaps you've been waiting in the same line at the grocery store for nearly 10 minutes while others around you speed by. You've waited this long, so you refuse to budge. Or maybe you insist on getting through the final two chapters of the mediocre book you're reading, or wrapping up the last season of the show you've been watching for several years. After we commit, we tend to bind ourselves to our own decisions, an...

When giving someone your all isn't sufficient in the relationship, you're with the wrong person. Whether your efforts fall short in their view because he or she is that hard to please (e.g., she doesn't feel you buy her enough stuff) or he fails to recognize your varied contributions (e.g., chores, emotional support, and so on), being with such an individual can be draining, if not demoralizing. What's frustrating is that the person may never come to appreciate all the time, energy, sweat, and tears we've invested into the relationship. When you arrive at this juncture, one really has to ask whether trying to salvage the relationship is even worth it anymore. Broaching the subject may or may not help. He or she may take offense to your claims and insist that they do value your efforts, even if their actions contradict their words. And even if it does help initially, the person may revert to their old habits once they sense all is fine and dandy again. ...

If there's something we can agree on, it's that haters lurk in our midst. Whether it's at work or in school, will always be someone who doesn't take kindly to something about us.  Maybe it's our gift for gab, our age, our impressive academic credentials, our BMW, or our ever-expanding circle of friends. And the funny thing is that some of these people secretly admire and look up to us, even though they would never admit it. But rather than worry about the jealous and envious -- whom many would regard as haters -- we should instead focus on the people who bring joy into our lives.  The ones who respect and cheer us on. The people who hold no ill will toward us.  The sad thing is that it isn't always easy to tell who likes us and who doesn't because, as pointed out in earlier entries, some people are, well, masters at faking it. And even if you know that, say, Joe your co-worker isn't your biggest fan, are you really going to ...

When it's all said and done, we will only regret the chances we didn't take. Worse than regretting the things we have done is regretting not having done something. Imagine spending your whole life wondering whether you could have achieved a particular goal. That "what if" feeling can certainly come back to haunt us every now and then. We may comfort ourselves by saying things like "it wasn't meant to be," but deep down, we just never know. Whether it's asking out the girl you've been in love with since the 3rd grade, jumping out of an airplane, or starting your own business, chances are it's a debilitating fear of failure that is keeping you from striving toward your goal. When you doubt yourself and imagine the worst, you've essentially given up before you've begun. And the only surefire way to fail is to give up. If you try and fall short, you haven't failed -- you've merely learned a lesson. We must aim to...

How many people do you know who only appear when they're in some kind of a bind? Here are a few examples you can probably relate to: They broke up with their boyfriend, and now they're reaching out to you nearly every day. But while they were in their relationship, they acted as if you didn't matter. They had a falling out with a few friends, and now they've suddenly surfaced. However, when things were peachy with their buddies, you couldn't seem to get a hold of them. And how about those we only hear from when they need a favor? Whether it's that they need money or help moving, they seem to vanish off the face of the earth once they get what they need. What do the three scenarios above have in common? They describe users to a tee. If someone wants nothing to do with you when things are going well in their lives, that should make you question why they wish to maintain any kind of relationship. Perhaps they see you as convenient to have around bec...

Have you ever had a friend or partner who's made you feel replaceable? In other words, the other person may have a slew of friends or several people vying for their romantic affections, making you feel as though you're just a number on their list. This doesn't make us feel special or appreciated, no matter how many times -- and how emphatically -- they may claim to value us. We might crave more intimacy with this individual, but their tendency to hop from one person to another may create an emotional void. You might feel far more invested and committed because you have a smaller circle of people in your life. Perhaps you've done this deliberately in an effort to cut down on the drama and prioritize quality over quantity. It's saddening when people take us for granted because they know they have other options. Perhaps you've suggested a relaxing evening at home dining over a good movie, but someone else has suggested plans more to their liking. Ma...

What's worse than being home by yourself while all your friends and family are out and about? That's easy: A relationship in which your partner makes you feel lonely. Think about it. You're with someone whom you turn to for affection, attention, and advice. But whether it's because your partner is always working, traveling, indifferent, or in their own world mentally, your needs always go unmet. You feel as though you're living by yourself, but you're really not. It can be like crying out for help and never receiving a response. If you've raised the issue with your partner but still seem unable to get through to him or her, it might be time to decide whether you should seek counseling, or if you're better off pulling the plug altogether. It has been scientifically proven that loneliness distorts our perceptions of our relationships. Studies have discovered that merely asking people to recall times they felt lonely was sufficient to make t...