If there's something you should never allow your partner do, it's to treat you like an option rather than like a priority. I've said time and time again that we should never expect our partner to complete us, as only we can achieve that. However, it's fair game to lean toward our partner when: We've had a rotten day and could use a little pick-me-up through their support and encouragement  We've experienced a happy moment or occurrence -- whether a promotion or achievement of some other personal/professional milestone -- and would like to share it with them We're facing a tough challenge or decision and would value their input  But if your partner treats you like you're secondary to other matters or people, you've got a major problem on your hands -- one that needs to be addressed immediately before tensions escalate further. Maybe you've been yearning for a date night with her for months, but says she has to work late or already made plans with ...

The time has come to sever ties with the ones who've done you wrong, with the ones who fail to appreciate all you do for them. Granted, nobody's perfect. We're all guilty of missteps. But if you've done your part to atone for your mistakes and the other person hasn't, it's obvious who places a higher premium on the relationship.  If it's your boss who's toxic and has subjected you to mental and emotional abuse, you need to stop putting off finding a new job. No role -- irrespective of pay, benefits, and other perks -- is worth risking your well-being for!  Those benefits can always be replaced, but as far as your mental wellness, it isn't always automatic (or even guaranteed).  If your partner is abusive in any way, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, you must stop giving them a free pass. Everyone is entitled to respect and dignity.  The longer such behavior carries on, the greater the chance of your mental or emotional state deteriorating...

How many people do you encounter on a daily basis who seemingly ooze negativity? They find a problem for every solution. They make mountains out of molehills. They play the role of devil's advocate or contrarian any chance they get.  Negative and dramatic people are a drain on our mental and emotional resources. They thrive on theatrics and do nothing but try to drag us down with them. Misery surely loves company, and they'll stop at nothing until you're down in the dumps with them.  They say you can't change the people around you. But if you think about it, you can in fact  change (as in replace or eliminate) the people who surround you.  It's time to free yourself from the grips of toxic, self-esteem-shattering, soul-destroying individuals! A primary reason why so many of us have a hard time distancing ourselves from negative folks is because we've known them for a long time and have invested so much time and energy into the relationship that we'll do vir...

When asked to think about the most common culprits for a relationship's going south, most people will point to cheating, complacency, and taking one's partner for granted. While these are all valid -- and documented in various posts on this blog -- there are certain habits on the part of partners that may not kill the relationship right away, but cause it to erode more gradually.  Among the most egregious of these is expecting your significant other to be perfect. They pick at your follies any chance they get. Nothing you do is ever good enough. In fact, you will never measure up to an ex, neighbor, or accomplished co-worker.  Perhaps this all sounds a bit familiar.  When you feel as though you're constantly being put under the microscope, it can inflict lasting damage on the relationship and your self-esteem. You're walking on eggshells all the time, praying you don't say or do something that's going to trigger your partner. This is no way to live, let alone ca...

Most of us can point to at least one toxic person in our lives whom we detest but for one reason or another have to put up with. Maybe it's a mercurial boss or meddling in-law, or a friend-of-a-friend who rubs you the wrong way.  Then there are those who perhaps weren't toxic in the beginning but have become so over time -- a friend or partner, perhaps. In such cases, we have the power to cut them loose, but seem unable to pull the trigger. Here's why this can be so difficult:  1 . We still care about them . It isn't easy to part ways cold turkey with someone you've known for a long time -- one you've built special, indelible memories with. Just because they've become a shell of their former self doesn't mean we've lost sense of who and how they were in the beginning.  2. They refuse to let you go . Whether it's that they're possessive or deep down they still hold deep feelings for you, they might stop at nothing to foil your plans to call th...

Chances are you're wondering what on Earth being phubbed even means.  Phubbing is the act of snubbing someone by giving your attention to your phone. In essence, the word combines "phone" and "snub." Phubbing is unquestionably a byproduct of the ubiquitious nature of smart devices. More and more people find themselves glued to their screens, whether at work, the gym, the grocery store, or the movies.  Phubbing can involve deliberately ignoring someone who is attempting to talk to you. But in most cases, snubbing isn't necessarily done in malice. We just get distracted and pay more attention to the phone than the person in front of you.  This behavior, which can easily be construed as rudeness, can have a material impact on relationships. In fact, studies show that people who have been "phubbed" by their romantic partner are more disposed to snoop on their partner’s texts, social media posts, and other digital communications. This is a recipe for tw...

In light of all the reshuffling that Covid has produced in the workplace, there's now a popular phrase being used to describe when workers essentially "check out" and do the least possible to keep their jobs while searching for better opportunities on the down low: quiet quitting.  This had me thinking: Could quiet quitting not also be applied to relationships? Indeed, many of us have been in that unfortunate situation: Our partner unofficially quits on us and the relationship by doing the absolute minimum. Once we confront them about their not pulling their weight, they become defensive if not downright hostile, charging that we're being overdramatic. Easy for them to say, right?  Carrying the entire relationship on one's shoulders is a major cross to bear. When we suspect our partner isn't doing their part, it can be mentally and emotionally devastating.  All kinds of unpleasant thoughts begin to cross our minds. Are they cheating? Are they no longer attract...

The dictionary defines a control freak as "a person who feels an obsessive need to exercise control over themselves and others and to take command of any situation." Whether at work or in our own love life, we've all encountered someone who fits this description to a tee. Maybe it's the surly supervisor who puts her nose in even the most minute things, like how many Post-It Notes the department is going through weekly.  Then there's the controlling partner who has to know where you are at all hours of the day.  The common thread here is that these individuals:  Treat you as if you were a child Seem suspicious of your every move Are possessive Are insecure  Make you feel as though you can't be trusted  So why are these folks this difficult? Yes, it could be that it's in their nature, where their need for self-control spills into their relationships. But more often than not, someone in their past caused them to be this way, whether it was an employee they ca...

Picture how painful it must be to see the person you love in the arms of another man or woman -- all because you took them for granted. Even though you claim to love them, you may have recognized a tad late that you just never showed it, at least not nearly as much as you should have. Countless people experience this painful reality each and every day, not knowing what they have until it has walked out the door for good. In order to avoid this fate, it's important that we not just talk the talk but walk the walk as well. It pays to spend occasional moments imagining yourself without them -- envisioning your significant other walking out the door, embracing another man or woman, and basically forgetting you ever existed.  While no relationship is perfect -- much like the people in them -- a failure to invest in it can gradually snowball into bitter arguments and corrosive resentment. Shutting off communication is akin to depriving a plant of the water, sunlight, and nutrients it nee...

I feel many people have a misguided sense of what a partner's role should be.  They assume a partner is there to fix their every problem, to complete them.  But this is erroneous thinking and could very well lead the relationship down a dangerous path.  Relationships can promote personal growth and help individuals fulfill their own goals. For example, your partner can help you become a better person by teaching you how to play the guitar; taking you to the local museum to explore immersive exhibits; and opening your eyes to new perspectives, like benefits of eating more veggies and less red meat.  The idea that a relationship can help an individual become a better person is a phenomenon termed self-expansion. Indeed, relationships that provide more expansion are tend to be of higher quality. But this needn't be mistaken with relying on a partner to allay your every concern, resolve your every dilemma, and continually boost your self-esteem.  We need to take res...

Many of my readers have maintained that a key reason they're afraid to jump into a new relationship is because of the disastrous, toxic one they've only just escaped. Fair enough. And you deserve time to grieve the end of the relationship, for even though your life is sure to improve for the better, getting used to not having him or her in your life (especially if you'd been with them for many years) is an adjustment that doesn't happen overnight.  However, I do take issue with people, once ready to get back in the relationship saddle, turning down great opportunities, because, well, their ex John or Beth was a nightmare and this new potential partner may be just the same. Only by giving people a chance do you give yourself the opportunity to move on.  I understand feeling vulnerable and wanting to erect something of an emotional wall at first to protect your feelings.  But you can't allow the ghost of your ex to haunt you forever.  For all you know, this person wil...

Several readers have written to me asking me how they can deal with an unapologetically toxic individual in their life, whether it be an obnoxious boss or possessive partner. They maintain that they've exhausted every option -- from speaking to them directly to seeking out counseling.  When I suggest pulling the plug -- finding a new job, ending the relationship -- such a recommendation is met with stiff resistance: "I'm too old to find a job, and things are bad out there. I might as well stay put." "I don't want to go through the hassle of hitting the dating market again. Those days are behind me." So, on the one hand, they're desperate to escape a toxic situation that is adversely impacting their quality of life, but on the other, they're offering up excuses as to why they shouldn't effect change? Chalk it up to one phenomenon: fearing the unknown. What is known to us, as lousy as it is, can seem less daunting than the unfamiliar.  The prob...

Relationships go belly-up when partners expect them -- and, more specifically, their significant other -- to be perfect.  Many fall into the trap of setting unrealistically high standards for their partner, finding themselves crestfallen when they realize or she doesn't quite measure up.   If you seek perfection, I'm here to tell you that you'll never find it. There will always be qualities inherent in one's nature that won't go over well with others. Some people are exceedingly meek, while others are overly pompous. Certain individuals are unambitious while others can't seem to put their work down. Whether these are seen as positive traits or negative ones really varies by person.  Sure, it doesn't mean we can't work toward making the relationship as strong as it can possibly be by addressing our flaws, listening to our partner's grievances, and withholding the compulsion to finger-point and pass judgment.  But a relationship should never be regarde...

Never should you remain in a relationship with someone if you are confident you can do much better.  When I say "much better," I don't mean you ought to bolt for someone who's richer or more attractive. No, I speak of a partner who doesn't treat you right. A person who ignores, abuses, or undervalues you. I put up a post earlier today on my Facebook page that says, "One person's trash is another's treasure." I couldn't agree more. Surely, you or someone you know has been treated like garbage by a significant other, only to find someone ten times more loving and appreciative later on. Staying in a corrosive relationship is akin to remaining in a toxic, soul-sucking job: You're stagnant, not growing, and treated poorly. No one should subject themselves to such terrible conditions. Have some respect for yourself and pull the plug. You're deserving of another's love and warmth. You deserve to be told romantic things,...

There are good relationships -- then there are relationships that are simply transcendent. There are relationships in which partners connect physically, intellectually, and emotionally. Then there are those in which both cultivate a spiritual bond as well, two souls connecting so deeply that nothing short of death could ever break their union. Oftentimes, a pair might point to the fact they can finish each other's sentences, make the other feel better merely by grabbing their hand, or empathize with them like no one else can as proof that they're truly in sync. The right partner awakens in us feelings that lay dormant, or that we never knew existed. Before we met them, maybe we were too afraid to pursue our dreams, or too reluctant to believe in ourselves. They have a special way of cheering us up when we're feeling down, perhaps with their characteristic smile or laugh. They may not always agree with everything we say or do (and why would they?), but they a...

In a strong relationship, each partner deems the other as an enhancement to his or her life. But that's different from expecting the person to complete them, which is indicative of an unhealthy relationship. When one turns to a partner to make them whole, it goes beyond merely calling them their soulmate. They rely heavily on one another to meet each other's every need -- whether physical, financial, or emotional -- potentially leaving both individuals' feeling drained and frustrated. Oftentimes, though, one person is far more dependent on the other, and if they feel their partner isn't there to quell all their worries and fix all their problems, it sends them into a panic. A relationship is a partnership, with both making individual contributions that, at the end of the day, make you one cohesive unit. But to expect your partner to do everything you want, when you want it, is unrealistic -- and unfair. For example, there will be nights where your partne...

At some point, you've likely made an effort to motivate your reluctant partner to do something you know will be good for them. Maybe it's getting more exercise and laying off the fatty foods. Perhaps it's investing more time into studying to finally earn that degree, or doing chores around the house. Here's the thing: It’s a lot easier to make changes within yourself than to get someone else to. It's only human nature for people to resist others' efforts to push them into doing things they simply don't wish to do. And, sometimes, the harder you try, the more obdurate they are. Here's a sounder strategy for getting around their obstinance: Let them observe changes in YOUR own attitude and actions, which are far more likely to prompt changes in your partner than anything else. For example, let's assume you feel your partner is taking you for granted. You've told your partner countless times that you wish they would put more effort...

Being single certainly isn't as bad as some make it out to be. Sure, it's nice to have a partner to hug on Valentine's Day, exchange gifts with during the holidays, and accompany you to work/social functions. But the reality is that singlehood affords myriad benefits as well, including: Not having to deal with a partner's drama. Being free to watch whatever you want on TV. Not having to compromise on where to eat dinner or which movie to watch at the theater. Having more time to enjoy hobbies/solitary pursuits. Not having to spend money on your partner.  Not having to confront meddling in laws.  Having more time for friends and relatives.  Even if ultimately you do long for a serious relationship, marriage, and the whole kit and caboodle, it doesn't mean you can't capitalize on your freedom.  In fact, it gives you time to scout possible love interests. When you know you're enjoying the single life, you're in no hurry to hook up. It...

My readers often ask me why so many people out there are frenetically searching for love. Perhaps you have a friend, relative, or co-worker who appears preoccupied with finding "the one." My pointed response is that the media -- and that includes social media -- plays an integral role. From dating apps like Tinder and Facebook posts about people professing their love for their partner to stories in the news centering on blissful marriages and a seemingly endless stream of songs about break-ups, society promulgates the following message: Being with someone is a good thing. Being single is not. If you don't have anyone in your life, it just isn't whole. Something is missing, and you'll only be able to be happy and fill the void once you pair up. This, of course, is silly. I have a slew of readers who count themselves among the happily single. They don't feel empty or broken because they don't have a partner. On the contrary: Many are reliev...

Don't allow anyone -- not your friends, not your relatives, not your partner, and not your co-workers -- to put you down for mistakes you've made in the past. Many people have a nasty habit of, in the heat of an argument, or as a result of having a bad day, bringing back to light past mistakes that you've apologized for, learned from, and pledged not to repeat. They likely see it as ammunition they carry in their back pocket in the event they really want to make you feel like crap. They tell themselves that you should be appreciative of the fact they forgave you, even though, in their view, you didn't deserve it. It's as if you "owe" them. If they really forgave you, they should not indulge themselves by giving you guilt trips whenever the mood strikes, even if you've done something more recently to ruffle their feathers. Focusing their ire on the matter at hand is one thing; rehashing things you've put behind you is another entirely. I...