When someone tells you they're not ready or interested in a relationship right now, what should you do? Should you take them at their word? Should you still make an effort to change their mind? The answer should be obvious: Do not commit to someone who isn't inclined to commit to you. You don't want to invest time, energy, and feelings in someone who just wants a no-strings-attached kind of deal. If that's what you desire as well, fine. But if you're past the casual flings and yearn for something more substantive, you shouldn't bother with these folks.  You should consider yourself fortunate if the person tells you upfront that they're not interested in something serious. That affords you the opportunity to move on and look for someone whose plans align with yours. In some cases, people will feign interest in a long-term commitment just to get into the other person's bed or wallet. Everything seems kosher until subjects like meeting one another's par...

Chances are there has been someone in your life whom you called a friend -- only to realize they were anything but. It can be soul-sucking when someone in whom we've invested a great deal of time, energy, and -- more importantly, trust -- lets us down. But all it shows is that no matter how well we think we know someone -- no matter how strongly we believe we have a firm sense of their true character and motivations -- they can deceive us at any point in time. Here are three signs someone is only pretending to be your friend: 1. They talk behind your back. They're two-faced, saying good things about you when in your presence but doing the exact opposite when you're not around. This signals that they not only disvalue your trust, but also your loyalty. 2. They only seem to surface when they need you.  If you get a call or text from this individual, they need money, a cable jump, or some other favor. Being the good friend that you are, you're always happy ...

When someone feels no remorse over cheating on their partner, it only means they never cared for them in the first place. Think about the world of hurt that revelations of infidelity can put the victim in. It's like taking a knife and stabbing the person right in the heart. Studies have shown that emotional pain can be just as damaging -- if not more so -- than physical pain. And when one experiences this form of betrayal, it can feel as though their world has come crashing down. Imagine investing your time, effort, and emotions in someone who chose to throw it all away in an act (or several) of pure selfishness. The least they could do is fess up and allow their partner to find someone who will actually value their loyalty. Unfortunately, it's very hard to discern early into the relationship whether your partner is prone to cheating, or will slip at some point. (It isn't as if you're going to put out feelers by asking his friends or relatives whether he...

Human beings have a tendency to stick it out with costly decisions, and it can be attributed directly to the sunk cost fallacy. According to this psychological concept, the more we invest -- whether it be money, time, or emotions -- the less likely we are to abandon our initial choices. There are many examples of the sunk cost fallacy in action. For example, if you've invested $10,000 in a women's studies degree even though you recognize your job prospects following graduation are looking a tad bleak, you're likely to press on. Or, perhaps you've been waiting in the same line at the grocery store for nearly 10 minutes while others around you speed by. You've waited this long, so you refuse to budge. Or maybe you insist on getting through the final two chapters of the mediocre book you're reading, or wrapping up the last season of the show you've been watching for several years. After we commit, we tend to bind ourselves to our own decisions, an...

Nobody would argue that relationships are (or should be) about give and take. If one finds himself constantly giving but never receiving -- be it love, affection, emotional support -- it won't be long before he realizes things are badly lopsided, potentially prompting him to walk unless the other person begins to appreciate him more. That being said, many people argue that relationships should be 50/50, with each partner investing an equal amount of time and energy. But should it always be this way? While I think partners should certainly strive to contribute proportionally, it can't be this way ALL the time. If someone has had a bad day at work or isn't feeling well, it makes sense for one partner to be noticeably more giving for the time being. Then, when the other person suffers a similar fate, they, too, should receive the same treatment. Then there are those cases where both individuals suffer together (e.g., grieving the loss of a mutual friend) and act ...

Just as people are not infallible, relationships can never be perfect. Still, people should strive to be the best versions of themselves that they could possibly be. When you enter into a relationship with someone, you concede that it's not just about you anymore. Selfishness and egoism must be checked at the door. There will be times where the two of you bitterly disagree about certain things. You'll endure hardships along the way that will surely test your mettle as a couple. No matter how much time and effort you invest in the relationship, there will always be imperfections. No matter how much you wish your partner were neater, she may always be messy.  Perhaps you'd prefer if your boyfriend were more romantic, athletic, or bookish, but you've come to realize it'll never happen. There are aspects of our partner's personality we probably wish we could change -- even if we never say so aloud. But part of being with someone is accepting them...

What would you say is the best way to appreciate someone special in your life? It can be done with one simple mental exercise: Just imagine your life without that person. Maybe you picture them in the arms of another man or woman. Does it make you jealous or angry? Or you dream up a world in which the two of you never even met. Does it make you sad? If these scenarios induce feelings of jealousy, anger, or sadness, it's clear you care deeply for the person in question. If they don't, it raises serious questions about how invested you are emotionally. Between work, kids, chores, and other items on our interminably long To Do Lists, some of us may take our partner for granted without even realizing it. As a result, he or she may feel as if their needs aren't being met and their voice isn't being heard. The longer this goes on, the more likely the person is to become fed up and walk -- that is, unless both people have a serious heart-to-heart. Studies sho...

One of the most disconcerting trends I've noticed in the dating world concerns people who go on dates with others despite not being interested in them. After the date, they remain in contact with the individual, giving the impression that they look forward to going on future dates with them even though they have no intention of doing so. In fact, they may very well be going on dates with other men or women in the meantime. So, why not just tell the person they're no longer interested? Why string them along at all? Reasons can be quite varied: They've just ended a relationship and wish for another's company.  They are not attracted to the person, but still relish the attention.  They see the potential for a budding friendship.  They already have their eye on someone they have yet to snag, so they use other dates as temporary stand-ins.  I don't blame people for not having feelings for someone else. After all, the heart wants what it ...

Relationships don't die a natural death. Their demise is brought on by selfishness, lies, neglect, and a lack of compassion and consideration toward one's partner.  In some relationships, only one partner is responsible for causing a rift, and in others, both partners are to blame. Unfortunately, some people expect their partner to do all the heavy lifting, leaving the other physically, mentally, and emotionally drained and effectively running the relationship into the ground.  If people don't want to do their fair share, why enter into a relationship at all? A relationship is a partnership between two individuals. Both of them invest in, maintain, and enhance the relationship so that each feels they're not just reaping benefits, but dispensing them to the other as well. In most cases, both partners put in comparable effort in the early stages of dating as they're getting to know one another.  It's when complacency begins to set in ...

A person may like you, but that doesn't necessarily mean they value you. So what's the difference? Someone can like you and still take you for granted, treat you with disdain, and run the relationship into the ground.  In other words, whether a person likes you or not says nothing about their willingness to invest in and commit to the relationship. One can like that someone possesses certain attributes -- whether ambition, a sense of humor, integrity, or loyalty -- and still not value them as a person. Take cheaters. Do you really think that people who cheat on their partners don't like them? On the contrary, despite their transgressions, many assert that they love and would do anything for their significant others! However, the mere fact they would even entertain the idea of cheating demonstrates they don't value the person in the slightest. If they did, they would know to put on the brakes and not risk jeopardizing the relationship. We also see this ...

In order for a relationship to run smoothly, partners need to function as a team while still maintaining their distinct identities. It's a delicate balancing act many couples struggle to master. As I've stressed in recent posts, both individuals have to pull their own weight. If the same person is left doing all the chores every week -- whether it's cooking dinner, tending to the dogs, or doing the laundry -- while the other goes off to carouse with friends, how long do you think it will be before the former feels aggrieved? Chores should be divided evenly so that both parties can free up time for themselves, whether it's to go to the movies together or catch up with their buddies. (There are always exceptions, of course, as when couples agree that one will stay at home taking care of the children and the household duties.) When a couple adopts a team mentality, they essentially leave selfishness at the door. They make concessions for one another and, rather...

You may have read the title of the post and immediately retorted, "No, selfishness is wrong. Giving to and being there for others is what life should be about." I don't disagree with the latter statement. Whether it's helping an elderly woman cross the street or giving money to a homeless man, a small gesture that brightens one's day can be far more gratifying than, say, pampering yourself with material junk you may never even get around to using. But I would challenge the notion that being selfish sometimes is wrong. Yes, being selfish all the time is beyond the pale, especially if you have people (spouse, children, etc.) who greatly depend on you. But let's face it: Everyone is selfish , albeit in varying degrees. And it's not limited to spending money on themselves. Some people are selfish when it comes to their time. They want to do things according to their schedule, and there's little room for compromise. Still others want to call t...

Let's say you and your partner are trying to decide where to eat tonight. You've been craving Chinese for a while and suggest hitting up the Asian restaurant that just opened down the block. Your girlfriend, however, insists on trying out a hole-in-the-wall Italian place downtown that all of your friends have been raving about. What do you do? As another example, let's assume you invite your friend over for drinks. You turn on the TV to watch the season finale of one of your favorite shows. Your friend, however, begs that you tune into Game 7 of the World Series, which she's been looking forward to watching all day. What do you do? Along with trust, respect, loyalty, and communication, compromise is the glue that holds a relationship together.  If two people genuinely desire for the relationship to remain strong, they each have to be willing to yield to the other's wishes every so often. They can't have it their way all the time, which smacks of se...

Don't allow anyone -- from your closest friend to your worst enemy -- to step all over you. No matter the circumstance, you are as deserving of the other person's respect as they are of yours. If you're in a relationship with someone who thinks they can run roughshod over you because you've spoiled them rotten, it's time to establish new ground rules or get out of the relationship. Otherwise, you'll continue to be taken for granted. Similarly, if your friend seems to remember you exist only when they need something, make it clear to them that there is no such thing as a friendship built on selfishness. As with relationships, both people should reciprocate time and effort. If your toxic boss is convinced you'll put up with anything just to keep your job, prove him or her wrong by arranging a closed-door conversation. Impress upon them that they have absolutely no right to treat you like garbage, and hint that you'll take your skills and experie...

If it were up to most people, they would have it their way all the time. Why? It's simple: By and large, people want things to be as convenient for themselves as possible. They wish to expend as little time and effort on whatever (or whoever) brings them minimal to no gratification. Even some of my closest friends are guilty of this. They want to be the ones to decide the places you meet at, the time of the day you call one another, and the kinds of activities you partake in together. Intractable and inflexible, such people make awfully poor negotiators because they don't know the meaning of meeting in the middle. Unfortunately, these individuals fail to recognize that in order for relationships to thrive, both parties ought to be well-versed in the art of compromise. That's because relationships are about give and take, not just latter. If time and time again you find yourself acceding to someone else's demands yet fail to ever see them do the same, it should m...

Some people are simply the epitome of hypocrisy . They don't tolerate certain behaviors from their partner -- cheating, wasteful spending, getting drunk -- and yet they carry out those very behaviors themselves in disguise. It's because of this double standard that so many relationships go down the drain. People who have certain expectations of their partner that they themselves can't live up to -- those who don't practice what they preach -- shouldn't commit to anyone in the first place. It demonstrates selfishness, a lack of maturity, and the inability to consider their partner's feelings. The golden rule of relationships is to treat your partner the way you want to be treated. If you don't want your partner to cheat on you, remain faithful. If you don't want your partner running up credit card debt, spend responsibly. If you don't want your partner making a fool of herself after having one too many drinks, drink in moderation yourself. The...

I've stressed in several blog posts that a relationship devoid of trust and communication is destined to fail. Can you guess what a relationship should NOT have if it is to have any chance at success? The answer is selfishness. You know you're ready for a relationship when you're willing to put someone else's needs and cares before yours. This doesn't mean you have to do away with everything you care about. (If your partner imposes this on you, you're with the wrong person.) Instead, you should be willing to share your time and energies with your partner, taking into account what they want to do, what they want to eat, where they want to go. The TV isn't just yours anymore, and neither is your money. When it comes to relationships, sharing is caring. There is no place for selfishness in a relationship. You shouldn't get to watch baseball every night like you did when you were single, and she shouldn't hog it for herself to see maratho...

Nothing gives anyone -- not boyfriend, old buddy, neighbor, your sister -- the right to exploit you for personal gain. If you detect that someone is deliberately attempting to take advantage of you, do not remain tight-lipped -- stand up for yourself! Approach the individual in a tactful manner and ask when he or she would be available to have a conversation in private. Hopefully, doing so will defuse the situation. If you find that the relationship is beyond repair, make it clear that you won't allow him or her to disrespect you. A good person doesn't try step over his or her loved ones just to get ahead. That bespeaks utter selfishness and a lack of a moral compass. Anyone who does this deserves no place in your life unless they can offer a convincing apology, vowing to never betray you again. After all, it's hard to restore trust after one feels they've been stabbed in the back. Again, if you sense that someone might be trying to take advantage of you, ...

If there's one trait that blemishes a person's character like no other, it would arguably be selfishness . I come across people every day -- at work, in the gym, at the grocery store -- who exude a palpable air of selfishness. You can just tell they put themselves before everyone else; they're constantly looking out for their best interest, even if they have to step on others' toes or rip them apart in the process. I'm sure you've met many a person who falls under this category. Here are a few words that typically describe selfish people: Manipulative Scheming Opportunistic Calculating Insensitive Self-centered Self-absorbed Greedy Contemptuous  Difficult Egotistical Stubborn  Dishonest Selfish people can be quite unpleasant to be around, especially when they can't manipulate you to get their way. They also tend to be quite unreliable, expecting you to be at their beck and call but refusing to be there for you when you need them. ...

No matter how hard you try to make people happy, some of them will simply take you for granted. Many of these individuals will be oblivious to or fail to appreciate all you do for them. It's these kinds of people you should not keep in your life.  You don't want to associate yourself with people who only care you exist when they need something -- when it's convenient for them. They may consider themselves your friends, but they're anything but. True friends are not users, nor are they opportunists. Real friends are there for you through the thick and thin. They understand that the cornerstone of a strong friendship is giving with one hand and taking with the other. There is absolutely no place for selfishness, envy, or jealousy in a friendship or relationship. These all serve to undermine the trust and goodwill cultivated between two people. More importantly, never seek the company of people who demand that you change something about yourself. Who are they to dict...