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Why people hold on to the wrong person

Have you ever stayed in a relationship a lot longer than you should have?

While hindsight is always instructive, many people would admit that they began seeing the red flags early on, but decided to turn a blind eye.

But why would people do this?

As I've noted in prior entries, people could do it for a variety of reasons, including:

  • The fear of being alone
  • They have a long history with the person
  • There are kids in the picture
  • Financial dependency
  • A low self-esteem
  • Fear of change/a reluctance to start anew 
Beyond that, they think their partner has the potential to be a better person.

This brings me to two mistakes I've touched upon in earlier posts that people with their heart in the right place tend to make:

1. They set their expectations of the other person too high.
2. They set out to help "change" or "save" them.

The higher you set your expectations of other people, the greater the chances of being disappointed. 

As much as we'd like people to see things from our vantage point, that's never a guarantee. 

In fact, the more they sense that you're trying to press them to think and act like you, the more tempted they'll be to do the exact opposite. 

Moreover, as much as we wish to help them, it's not our responsibility to rescue them from their own demons. That is a burden that no significant other should have to shoulder. 

While we can do our best to lend a helping hand, they have to summon the willingness to effect change in their lives -- or it'll never happen. 

I always advise people to have an honest conversation with their partner before calling it quits. And if they see counseling is a viable option, they should pursue that. 

But once it has become apparent that the other person will never change -- causing much unneeded turmoil in one's life -- it's time to nip this one in the bud. 

Everyone wishes for a happy ending in which a person rewards his or her partner's faith in them by coming into their own, ultimately ameliorating the troublesome relationship.

Unfortunately, this doesn't always happen. The best safeguard we can have in place is to address problems and concerns as soon as they come to light. 
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