How to Read People

The texts become less and less frequent.  Plans feel as though they're never set in stone (if they don't fall through altogether).  The tone mood changes from joyful to tenuous.   When someone starts pulling away, the shift is usually subtle at first, but gets more noticeable over time. What makes it so unsettling isn’t always the distance itself, but the confusion.  You start replaying conversations in your head, wondering what changed, and feeling the urge to fix it before it slips further away. But nailing down what exactly ought to be fixed becomes a challenge in itself. Before long, you're blaming yourself, wondering if you did something to cause this palpable distance.  Pulling back typically means one of a few things.  Sometimes it’s about the other person’s discomfort with closeness. As intimacy builds, vulnerability increases — and not everyone is good at regulating that. For some, especially those with more avoidant tendencies because of pas...

There's this persistent belief that one can't feel lonely -- or emotionally alone -- while in a relationship. This couldn't be further from the truth. If you've been in this unfortunate situation, you can probably vouch that being lonely while partnered is even worse than being single. Imagine feeling like your partner is more of a roommate than a lover.  Picture a significant other who seems to express interest in everything and everyone -- friends, hobbies, work -- but you.  He talks to you while using his phone or watching TV, hardly ever making eye contact. It feels cold, demoralizing. Communication between you both is essentially in the cellar. And things are not guaranteed to be much better on special occasions like Valentine's Day. Sure, you might share moments of joy and affection here and there, but you know deep down that they're fleeting.  Flowers don’t fix emotional neglect. Chocolates don't magically repair trust issues. The next day, all the dr...

Attention hopeless romantics -- and, yes, I'm saying this with Valentine's Day on our doorstep -- if you've been trying for a while now to secure a guy's commitment to no avail, it's time to sit down and reassess the situation.  I'm a guy myself and have been in this situation, so I know exactly how painful unrequited love can be.  Here's the hard truth: Sometimes “not ready” means "not ready for you."  Many moons ago, before I got with my now-wife, a girl I was head over heels for was never ready to settle down with me, yet she didn't want me out of her life completely either. As it turns out, she was talking to someone else all along, whom she later partnered up and had kids with.  It's obvious what her endgame was: To keep me around for the attention (especially if she ever broke up or got into a spat with the guy). She wanted the cake and she wanted to eat it, too.  In your case, it could mean he enjoys the benefits without commitment, ...

We all love the sappy Hollywood ending where the good guy gets the girl, even after she initially falls for the jerk/villain.  It's too bad that real life often doesn't play out this way. The one thing that many women find irresistible in bad boys is their confidence.  Sure, oftentimes they're just faking it, but this doesn't became apparent until later.  The other day, as I was reflecting on my primary and secondary school days, it suddenly hit me: All the guys who girls were typically drawn to were either: 1. Athletes 2. Troublemakers 3. Much older 4. Some combination of the above But not usually academic standouts like me -- the well-behaved kind who just liked to chill at home or with friends after school/on the weekends. To be fair, there are always exceptions. But by and large, most attractive girls (and even ones that might not be considered 10s by any stretch) followed this pattern.  Chances are, the reasons girls chase after bad boys boils down to one or mor...

Remember that adage dating back to the 1800s that says, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"? I've wondered of late whether it was a toxic individual who came up with it.  If there's one thing toxic people show little to no remorse over, it's the impact their words or actions have on you. You'll notice how toxic people are likely to say vacuous things like: “I’m sorry you felt that way.” “I didn’t mean it like that.” “That’s not what I intended.” Do you notice what's missing?  They may vaguely acknowledge your feelings and the misunderstanding, but they almost never acknowledge how their behavior changed you. They seldom say things like: “I see how this made you doubt yourself.” “I can tell how this hurt your confidence.” “I see how this changed how safe you feel around me.” Because admitting impact means admitting responsibility, not just regret. And the last thing toxic people want to do is to get any flak for the effect th...

If there’s one trap human beings fall into, it’s judging a book by its cover. In the absence of information, people fill in the gaps themselves—guided not by facts, but by instinct. When it comes to erroneously labeling someone, there's a particular character trait that people get wrong nearly all the time. I know this firsthand because I was often assigned the label when I was younger, much to my chagrin.  I can't say I blame them. I mean, after all, they're forming their judgment based on outward appearance--gestures, enthusiasm, verbosity. Unfortunately, though, if they never come to know the person well, they will carry on believing they were right on the money.  The problem comes when the person starts disseminating that flimsy information. Before you know it, everyone at, say, the office perceives you as being a certain way--the wrong way-- and it can build resentment. Rumors spread like wildfire, and it's very difficult to break a perception people have of you, w...

Most relationships don’t fall apart overnight. They erode gradually, often in ways neither person notices at first.  The real damage doesn’t always come from incessant fighting, cheating, or even falling out of love. More often, it comes from a silent, menacing killer that poisons the connection between two people. And it doesn't matter whether the pair have been together two months, two years, or even two decades. This scourge has the potential to destroy partnerships weak and strong.  So, what is it? It’s the expectation that your partner should act, feel, and think the way you do. At first glance, it seems harmless — even logical. If something makes sense to you, shouldn’t it make sense to them as well? If you would react a particular way, isn’t it fair to expect they would too? But that mindset is a trap. It sets up an impossible standard where your partner can never win —because they’re not you. This expectation surfaces in subtle ways: You get frustrate...

We all have that person in our lives. The one who thinks they know how you “should” be. The one who thinks they know you better than you know yourself  Be less sensitive. Be more talkative. Change careers. Change your personality.  At first, you might take it personally. Maybe they see something you don’t. And they could be right on some level.  But here’s the hidden truth: when someone repeatedly insists you should be different, it usually reveals more about them than it does about you. 1. It’s a Mirror of Their Insecurities The flaws they point out in you often reflect the doubts they wrestle with themselves; in other words, they're projecting. If they feel inadequate, your self-assurance becomes uncomfortable to them. Instead of looking inward, they redirect that discomfort onto you. 2. It’s About Control, Not Care Telling you to change is seldom about your growth. It’s about their need for control. When people can’t accept things as they are, they try to reshape...

Let’s be real: no relationship is perfect, and we can all vouch for this in our lives. Every couple argues, gets on each other’s nerves, and has off days. But sometimes, things evolve in a way that goes deeper than little disagreements. That’s when relationships cease feeling fulfilling and start to feel draining. Here are a few of the biggest ways relationships can suck — and what to do about them. 1. Communication Turns Into a Battlefield When every conversation ends in defensiveness, sarcasm, or raised voices, the relationship starts to feel more like a war zone than a partnership.  It’s not just about what’s said — it’s how it’s said. If both sides stop listening, resentment takes the wheel and drives the relationship off a cliff.  Maybe Pat Benatar was onto something when she said that love is a battlefield.  Fix: Slow down and take a deep breath. Choose your words with care, and watch your tone. Listen more than you speak. And if you can’t talk withou...

We all want to believe the best in people.  It feels good to think that those who smile at us, cheer us on, and stick around are truly on our side.  But the truth is, not everyone in your circle has your best interests at heart. Some people wear masks — pretending to care, pretending to listen, pretending to be genuine — while secretly harboring envy, selfish motives, or just plain dishonesty. The danger isn’t just that fake people waste your time. They can sabotage your goals, deplete your energy, and even wreck your self-esteem if you permit them to remain in your life unchecked.  The key is learning to spot the red flags early so you can protect yourself before the damage is done. Red Flags You Shouldn't Ignore 1. Their support feels conditional. Fake people are easy to find when things are going well — but when you stumble, they seemingly vanish into thin air. If someone only applauds you at your highs but disappears during your lows, pay close attention. This signal...

If you observe any of these behaviors in people around you -- whether a partner, friend, or co-worker -- it's an unequivocal signal that you've got a toxic problem on your hands -- no ifs or buts about it!  1. They consistently make you doubt YOUR  own reality.  Better known as gaslighting, if someone twists facts to make you feel wrong or crazy, that’s manipulation, not miscommunication. Trust your instincts and know when to call people out on their BS!  2. They celebrate your failures or secretly root AGAINST your success. A real friend or partner supports you. They want you to thrive irrespective of their own successes. If someone revels in your setbacks, however, they don't have your best interests at heart -- they’re just plain toxic! 3. They cross your boundaries after you’ve made them LOUD and CLEAR. Mistakes can happen once, but repeatedly ignoring your boundaries is deliberate. Whether it's the male colleague who persists in getting all handsy or the friend ...

In relationships, there’s one pivotal factor that often goes unnoticed until it's too late. It’s not about communication, trust, or even love. While these are not unimportant, there’s something more fundamental that shapes the way we connect with our partners. This overlooked element can either strengthen the ties between you or cause subtle fissures that may widen over time. So, what is this game-changing factor? It’s emotional availability . Emotional availability is the ability to be present, to listen and respond to your partner’s feelings, and to share your own emotions in a healthy, honest way.  When both partners are emotionally available, they create a safe space for each other to express worries, desires, and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment, reprisal, or rejection. This emotional connection is the foundation upon which intimacy, trust, and understanding can thrive. However, when one or both partners are emotionally unavailable, even the most loving relationships c...

I often hear people grumble over not having a Valentine or person to spend the holidays with, even though they acknowledge that singlehood still has its perks.  The biggest dating mistake keeping folks single is choosing the wrong people based on instant chemistry instead of long-term compatibility . Many people rely too heavily on that initial spark—mistaking attraction or excitement for a genuine connection. The initial connection is so infectious that they reason it has to be something deep and meaningful.  But chemistry alone isn't enough to build an enduring relationship. In fact, once the honeymoon phase has passed, both people's flaws and problems come to the fore. It is then you really know whether the relationship is built to last.  The key to breaking this cycle is: - Focusing not just charm or physical attraction, but on shared values and emotional availability  - Paying close attention to consistency over time—does this person follow through on what they ...

Nothing good could come of a relationship marred by infidelity, right? The heartache, the shock, the feeling of one's trust being violated.  In the short-term, being cheated on can turn one's world upside down. But eventually, there may be a light awaiting the cheated at the end of the tunnel.  If you really think about it, cheaters end up doing us a huge favor.  In their selfishness and disloyalty, they end up showing us that we deserve better.  If you're so unfortunate as to be a victim of such acts of betrayal, you can only hope the cheater is considerate enough to own up to their missteps.  But we all know full well that, in many cases, the cheater is either caught in the act or leaves behind a trail of hints that ultimately culminates in their undoing. The more classy thing to do is to discuss their feelings openly with their partner before straying.  If all talks lead to an impasse or a further escalation of tensions, both parties should take it as a ...

If you find yourself falling for someone who won't commit, you might want to put on the brakes before getting in too deep. That is, of course, if you're seeking a serious, long-term relationship. Why might a person refuse to commit? It could be a myriad of reasons. They may have gotten burned by an ex and have resolved to put up protective walls. They may want to retain their independence, whether because of a demanding job or their wanting to hang out with friends. Maybe they have children they wish to prioritize following the passing of their spouse.  Whatever the case, they have every right not to get locked into a commitment they don't want, and you should appreciate it when they're thoughtful enough to come forward from the outset. The problem comes when people vacillate between wanting and not wanting a serious commitment. Maybe they say they don't, but their actions -- from calling you non-stop to kissing and sending you gifts -- convey just the opposite.  Th...

If there's something you should never allow your partner do, it's to treat you like an option rather than like a priority. I've said time and time again that we should never expect our partner to complete us, as only we can achieve that. However, it's fair game to lean toward our partner when: We've had a rotten day and could use a little pick-me-up through their support and encouragement  We've experienced a happy moment or occurrence -- whether a promotion or achievement of some other personal/professional milestone -- and would like to share it with them We're facing a tough challenge or decision and would value their input  But if your partner treats you like you're secondary to other matters or people, you've got a major problem on your hands -- one that needs to be addressed immediately before tensions escalate further. Maybe you've been yearning for a date night with her for months, but says she has to work late or already made plans with ...

I was raised by my mom, grandma, and two older sisters.  Growing up, never did I ever take any interest in the girls at school who tended toward exposing more skin. I always treated them as I would my female family members -- with the utmost courtesy and respect.  And anytime I suspected that a male friend or acquaintance of mine adopted a hump-and-dump attitude toward women, I nixed them from my life. I held men who treated women as objects in very low regard, and still do to this day. If women feel empowered to show off their bodies because they love and work hard on their physique, more power to them. In other words, if they're doing it to please THEMSELVES and no one else, good for them.  However, those who do it specifically to curry men's favor are making a big mistake. It sends the wrong signals and actually makes it less likely that a man will want to stick around for a committed relationship (if that's what you want as anyway).  Granted, if you're not lookin...

There's people in this world who are inevitably bent on causing others harm -- or at least giving them a hard time -- all in the service of advancing their own interests. It's usually a reflection of the loathing they harbor toward themselves or some aspect of their life. They take it upon themselves to project onto you and others -- unsuspecting victims in their path -- their unrelenting misery.  Maybe you've encountered this at work or elsewhere: A toxic boss or surly acquaintance who seems to revel in making others feel like crap, whether out of envy, jealousy, spite, or no concrete reason at all. Once someone stands up to them, they may very well put the bullseye on others' backs, including yours.  So how is one to deal with these toxic individuals?  Don't let them get to you Nothing spurs them into taking a victory lap quite like seeing you deflated and despondent. Even if they're getting on your nerves, try not to show it. It'll supply them with more f...

Being the social creatures that we are, we all want people to like us. We all want to be in people's good graces. After all, it opens the door to new job or relationship possibilities, so why not?  The danger comes when you aim to impress someone to feel better about yourself -- when being "you" just isn't good enough. This creates the potential for losing your identity entirely in the process. Rather than living your most authentic life so that those who value you for who you are come along for the ride, you're bending over backwards to fit into the mold of how others want to perceive you. See the difference? For example, I know a great many people who aren't materialistic by nature, but they tote around expensive handbags and drive luxurious cars just so that they gain gain others' approval. Somewhere along the way, they bought into the misguided notion that projecting wealth will earn the respect of others, as if their positive feelings for fancy brand...

A person whose words have been shown to contradict his or her actions is one you're better off without. Maybe it's the girlfriend who professes to love you but always misses your milestone moments.  The friend who talks up your being best buddies, but has been caught spreading lies about you. The co-worker who assures you that you can always count on them, but is furtively angling for your job. The truth is that it's not always easy to decipher people's real motives, especially when you don't know them that well. But once you observe on more than one occasion that their actions don't mirror their words, you ought to cast a wary eye.  People can make promises all they like, but if there's no action to back them up, it's evident they've got a penchant for disingenuousness. Don't be too quick to hand over your trust. We are much more apt to do this when the person in question is charming and charismatic.  A rule of thumb to go by: You don't real...