Remember that adage dating back to the 1800s that says, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"?
I've wondered of late whether it was a toxic individual who came up with it.
If there's one thing toxic people show little to no remorse over, it's the impact their words or actions have on you.
You'll notice how toxic people are likely to say vacuous things like:
“I’m sorry you felt that way.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“That’s not what I intended.”
Do you notice what's missing?
They may vaguely acknowledge your feelings and the misunderstanding, but they almost never acknowledge how their behavior changed you.
They seldom say things like:
“I see how this made you doubt yourself.”
“I can tell how this hurt your confidence.”
“I see how this changed how safe you feel around me.”
Because admitting impact means admitting responsibility, not just regret. And the last thing toxic people want to do is to get any flak for the effect their actions have on others.
To genuinely apologize for impact, a person has to step outside their own intent, accept that harm can exist without deliberate malice, and tolerate guilt without deflecting it.
Toxic people simply can’t stomach that.
So they redirect to context, to intent, to your immediate reaction, to the past -- anything except the effect they had on you.
Whether their actions have led you to miss work for several days, develop an abiding distrust of the human race, or lose tons of weight due to depression, toxic people will stop at nothing to fend off blame.
Chances are that you've had a toxic boss who has sparked in you a dislike of your employer even though you might like all else about the job and company.
Or perhaps a friend or partner did something so egregious that you pledged never to trust anyone again, despite the fact there are several in your life who have never done you wrong.
These are intense feelings that can potentially prompt drastic decisions. If, however, the person were to acknowledge that they're the reason you've taken an unyielding position or made a decision you otherwise would not have, it might help us look past the incident quicker and move on.
Alas, this isn't how toxic people operate.
If someone in your life behaves this way and then seems oblivious to the impact their actions have had on you, you could either (1) spell it out for them and make clear that you won't tolerate such behavior from anyone, or (2) nix them from your life altogether, provided that's an option.
Either way, you can't allow anyone to wield this much control over your happiness. Think about it: If they alone cause you to quit a job or give up on love, for example, isn’t that handing them a tremendous deal of power?
Instead, work on not letting others get the best of you. Never grant miserable people the satisfaction of seeing you shut down and lose faith in love, life, or yourself.
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