When was the last time you fought with your partner?
Perhaps it was today, yesterday, or -- if you're lucky -- you might not be able to remember.
Nevertheless, some people say that arguments in a relationship ought to be avoided like the plague.
But is this really true?
Persistent arguing can, over time, weaken a relationship. The central questions a couple needs to ask themselves are (1) why they're bickering so frequently (2) whether they attempted in earnest to resolve their points of disagreement, or only allowed them to get worse.
Perhaps one partner is easily triggered, or both have similarly combative personalities. When you don't have at least one party trying to make peace, things can escalate -- fast.
As long as these arguments unfold naturally -- with neither partner deliberately trying to spark them -- couples can actually leverage the spats to improve the relationship.
Many of us would agree that if not for the occasional fight with our partner, we would not know where they stand on certain issues. That's because when we're fired up, our true feelings tend to come out, as we're less likely to hold back.
In a healthy relationship, partners will ultimately listen to each other (despite being upset and pretending not to) and address the other's grievances, whether it be that he's always working late, that she no longer displays affection, that the intimacy has diminished considerably, and so on.
In the heat of the moment, we might be too ticked off to try to understand the other's misgivings. But once tensions have calmed down, it's important not to continue kicking the proverbial can down the road.
We may acknowledge -- much to our chagrin -- that our partner has a point. Perhaps we don't realize we are behaving a certain way until it's pointed out, or that said behavior doesn't sit well with them.
This is why I consider communication to be one of the essential pillars of a strong, healthy relationship. In an ideal world, we would always convey our feelings in a calm, civil way over coffee or tea, which is the approach I advise couples take.
But if those sentiments come through in an argument (as they often do), couples should use the opportunity to strengthen the lines of communication and compromise. Perhaps going forward they can each make a concerted effort to put their feelings on the table without coming to blows.
In short, arguments don't have to have a deleterious effect on a relationship -- so long as each partner (not just one) uses the occasion to effect positive change. Even so, partners should not let their emotions escalate to the point where they say or do things they may regret (e.g., use physical force or denigrate the other's character). If not careful, incessant fighting can debilitate the relationship beyond repair.
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