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3 Things That Kill Friendships

This topic hits close to home, as my friendship with my closest friend is all but dead at this juncture. As I wrote in prior posts, he and I have not been seeing eye to eye, and I think I've reached the point where I must come to grips with the fact that, after nearly 12 years, our friendship can no longer be salvaged.

So, below I list the 3 things I feel can be fatal to a friendship. I have certainly found this to be the case in my life.

1. Lack of trust/communication: If there's a lack of trust and openness in a friendship, that poses a serious problem. You simply can't be friends with someone you can't confide in. Your friend should be willing to listen to you vent about your girlfriend or be there to help you change a tire should you need him. Communication is also key when it comes to resolving arguments between the two of you. My aforementioned friend happens to do just the opposite -- he has hung up in my face a few times and gives me the silent treatment after any little spat.

2. Distance: Let's face it: Once one person moves far away, it changes the whole dynamic of the friendship. Yes, technology can do its part to keep you in touch with your friend, but not being able to see or talk in person at least sporadically weakens the friendship in many respects. In all likelihood, the friendship will morph into a purely phone- and/or online-based relationship. Thereafter, it becomes all too easy for "in person" duties and interests to take precedence over one another. Once my friend opted to move 6 hours away for a new job, our friendship was never the same from then on.

3. Change of lifestyle: When one or both friends experiences a life-altering event (marriage, kids, move, etc.), it can draw both people apart. When my friend met his now-wife, he became very consumed with her -- and it showed.

Now I felt like I was competing with her for his time -- he'd often leave me waiting for him via IM while he went to "tend to another phone call." Once he and his wife had 2 kids, he became almost impossible to get a hold of and schedule outings with. Though I got into a relationship the same year he did, I don't feel I ever changed as drastically as he did. I sense his wife is a little possessive of him.

Anyhow, we eventually came to terms with the fact that life had pulled us in decidedly different directions. While I still enjoyed the movies, restaurants, and other places that child-free people like going to, he was insistent on only going to family-friendly spots (theme parks, etc.). We managed to keep the friendship alive so he could be the best man at my wedding, but since then it has felt quite forced and watered down.

Our friendship is a shadow of what it used to be. I have tried my best to keep it alive because of our history, but it gets to the point where you just get sick and tired of trying so hard.

My goal now is to reconnect with old buddies on Facebook, which should help me get over the loss of this long if tumultuous friendship.

If you're ever contemplating whether to end a friendship, ask yourself the following questions:

  • Does this friendship still enhance my life like it used to?
  • What has this friend done for me lately?
  • Do you find yourselves bickering rather than engaging in enjoyable conversations?
  • Do you clash when it comes to your personal views?
  • Is it too much of a hassle these days for you both to coordinate an outing?
  • Is your friend too busy to see or talk to you anymore?
If the answer to most of these questions is yes (as is the case for me), perhaps it's time to bid the friendship adieu. 
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Comments

Anonymous said…
You pretty much hit the nail on the head with what can kill a friendship. I recently broke off a friendship that I thought would last till one of us died. We were friends for over 40 years. She never had time to listen to me when I needed her to, but would call and without saying hello, would launch into what pissed her off or whatever she was doing and she was always washing dishes or doing something else distracting. We either got along or clashed. She would fly off-the-handle, not just at me, but with other people as well. You would wonder WTF was that all about aimed towards me? After awhile I began to get sick and tired of the sarcasm and rants and not even asking if it was a convenient time to talk. I always had my phone on, in case an emergency came up when my parents were dying. When I needed or wanted to talk to her, her phone answerer was always on and when she did call, I didn't get a chance to tell her diddlysquat. She was my best friend for so many years, but even then, problems would crop up. She would make fun of how much money I made and rub it in with how much more she made than I did. When we'd go shopping, she'd spend anywhere from $100 to nearly $1000 on one shopping trip. It finally came to a head when I saw her the next to the last time. She lit into me, accusing me of not having the health problems I have and making fun of me for having lived where someone else lived. She had wanted to wear her dress blues from her branch of military service instead of the gown that matched the other bridesmaids. My husband had to write to her to ask her, after we were married, whether she wanted to lose a friendship or gain another friend. If my parents and her Mom hadn't found the gown, I'd have said, wear your dress blues. She would have really stuck out and the thing is, it was my wedding, not hers. She has hurt my feelings so badly, so many times that I finally sent her an e-mail and told her to get some psychiatric help because it sounded like she is bi-polar. Believe me, I can recognize someone who is bi-polar after working with clients that were bi-polar. I said when she gets help, then we could go back to being friends, but for now, i just couldn't take it anymore. This was 5 years ago and although I was a bit sad at first, I stopped getting the raving phone calls, her not answering my calls, her insults, putdowns, etc. Her way of "making up" for hurting someone's feelings was to buy a gift or gifts. Inside, she's really a loving, giving person, but her mood swings finally got to me. I've actually been relieved to not have to have contact with her. I thought that would never happen.
March 2, 2015 at 11:45 PM
Jeff Martinez, Writer & Proud Introvert said…
Great post! Thanks for sharing. Going through something similar with my closest friend.
March 3, 2015 at 11:57 PM
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