How To Understand People

If I asked what you thought to be an attractive attribute in a person -- one that doesn't get as much recognition as it merits -- what would you say? While everyone's taste varies, I'd say that intelligence -- a trait that, in my estimation, makes someone much more attractive and likeable -- tends to gets the shaft.  Check out online dating profiles and you'll see that people state they are looking for someone who embodies these characteristics: Sweet Fun Funny  Adventurous  Romantic  Kind Affectionate Faithful Honest Communicative While these are all great qualities to possess in their own right, why is intelligence not a more highly desired trait? The truth of the matter is that there are probably a lot more people who long for brains than they let on -- just as there are probably more chubby chasers in the world than we think. However, society has brainwashed many people into equating intelligence with nerdiness. And when they t...

What do you absolutely love to do? You know, the kinds of things into which you'd happily plunge yourself 60 hours a week -- for FREE -- if you could. Most of us find ourselves with more time to spare as we work from home during this coronavirus pandemic. In my case, I'm happily pouring myself into my writing and allocating time for reading my history and psychology books -- many of which have been collecting dust on my shelf for years. An avid history and architecture buff, I've also been catching episodes of Museum Secrets, You Live In What?, and Travel Thru History -- all outstanding shows I highly recommend. Because my employer isn't all that gung-ho about letting people work from home, I am poised to capitalize on this rare opportunity to enjoy these activities in the comfort of home. Think about your deepest passions and how you can incorporate them into your work-from-home routine. Maybe you can squeeze in a morning walk with your dog, a painting ...

Today is most certainly a gift. That's why they call it the present.  Yesterday is in the past and cannot be changed. Tomorrow has yet to arrive. While we can plan for the future in certain ways, we'll never be in control of it entirely. All we have is the present moment to shape our lives in whatever ways we see fit. Right now, the present seems a little bleak because of the coronavirus pandemic we're all grappling with. But as I advised in my last posts, there are myriad things we can do with the additional downtime -- from enjoying existing hobbies or cultivating new ones to striving toward goals like learning a new language or how to play a musical instrument. American composer Irving Berlin said that life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it. In other words, we spend the bulk of our lives responding to events over which we have little control. And the rest of it really depends on us. We're responding to this health crisi...

Those who have been on a lengthy quest to find Mr. or Ms. Right without success probably thought it was hard enough already. But now that they're being forced indoors due to the coronavirus, they find their possibilities even more limited. So what are they to do? If you're already dating someone, talking on the phone and exchanging texts can certainly get old after a while. But no one says you can't have ANY in-person contact. You could arrange to have dinner at either person's house. Maybe the host can cook, and next time you meet at the other's place. Or, you could just spring for delivery and cap off the night with a good movie. There's also the option of taking a walk around the neighborhood (so long as you practice social distancing from others). So, that works for those who've recently begun dating, but what about people whose little black book is, well, empty? That's easy: They can take to online dating sites. Even if they've...

. Introverts like me feel like we've been prepared for an event like the coronavirus virtually our entire lives. Under normal circumstances, we consciously seek out solitude in order to clear our minds and recharge our batteries -- especially after dealing with people for hours on end. Now, alone time has been thrust upon us. It's as if social distancing were tailor-made for introverts the world over. While extroverts, who thrive on social interaction, might regard having to stay at home for weeks or months as an unwelcome disruption in their lives, introverts are receiving it with open arms. We thrive on written communication. We relish alone time. We thrill at the opportunity to enjoy solitary pursuits. That's not to suggest we're misanthropes who loathe people and would gladly barricade ourselves in our homes if given the opportunity. We enjoy social interaction -- just in smaller doses, and with fewer people. In fact, introverts are known to become q...

The last few weeks have felt surreal, haven't they? I've never experienced anything like this Coronavirus pandemic in my life, and I'm sure many of you second that sentiment. While the most important thing we can do right now is keep ourselves and our families safe and healthy, many are already starting to chafe of cabin fever. They complain of feeling isolated and disconnected from the world in a way they never have before. Chances are, you've already worked from home for a few days. Such an arrangement has its share of pros and cons. Sure, you can work in your undees, spend more time with family, and not have to grapple with traffic. But some people just aren't as self-motivated as others, and without a boss a few feet away to keep them focused on their work, they become easily distracted -- whether by their kids clamoring to play, the cat meowing for food, or the temptation to watch The Price is Right. And while we can still do takeout and deliver...

Relationships can take us to the heights of passion and the depths of despair. There are days we look at our partner and ask ourselves how we got so lucky. Then there are occasions where we can't stand to be in their presence, if temporarily. Nevertheless, relationships entail taking the good with the bad. It doesn't mean you have to settle for less, or let the other person get away with everything. Nor does it mean expecting them to be flawless or of like mind in every way. Here are two musts in order for a relationship to be successful: 1. Appreciating each other's similarities.  Maybe you're both rabid football fans, hardcore comic book geeks, or the biggest Beatles fans anywhere. Or perhaps you're both optimistic, financially responsible, or averse to rollercoasters. There's no question that in order for the relationship to run smoothly, both partners should have some overlapping interests, fears, views, or all of the above. Otherwise, yo...

Be leery of someone you're dating who tries to cajole you into moving much faster than you're comfortable with. If someone is worth your while, they would never pressure you into doing anything -- whether it's sleeping going on a trip to a faraway island by yourselves, or tying the knot -- before you feel you're ready for that major step. If they can't respect your wishes, too bad! They're more than welcome to move on and find someone who similarly desires to move at blazing speed. That's not you. No, you refuse to betray your values and principles, whether that means waiting until marriage to be intimate or not wanting to give into the other person's desire to move to another state together after dating for a mere two months. You'd be right to question why he or she seems intent on moving at breakneck speed. Does he just want to use you? Is she looking to use you for your money until she gets back on her feet? Is he on the rebound, aiming to use you...

Some people don't appreciate all the things you do for them until you cease doing them at all. They end up learning the hard way that they didn't know what they had until it vanished from their life. And, by then, it's probably too late. No one wishes to be taken for granted. Yet, many people don't live their life by the motto, "Treat others as you would want to be treated." Some people just grow accustomed to others' nice gestures -- whether it's getting a call from them every week or a surprise visit every month -- and it doesn't occur to them that maybe they should return the favor every now and then. Relationships aren't just about giving, but receiving as well. They take turns scratching ones another's backs. One person should not be carrying the load on their own, contributing a disproportionate amount of time and energy. You should never feel embarrassed to address how you feel you're efforts aren't acknowledged...

No one is "too busy" for you, at least not all the time. Those who say that are being dishonest. Sure, they may be too busy to call back or respond to your text today, tomorrow, or even this whole week. But to go several weeks -- if not months -- without getting back to you is just, well, too much for anyone to have to stomach. Even if someone is going through a rough patch in their life, a quick note to say as much -- and that they will touch base once the situation improves -- will more than suffice. Being left hanging isn't what someone who values you does. If anything, it demonstrates the exact opposite: indifference. People prioritize the things and people that matter to them. Such a situation is made all the more demoralizing when you recognize that you yourself make a conscious effort to respond to others even when you're down in the dumps. But as I've noted time and again, you can't expect people to behave exactly as you would or care a...

If you expect people to think and act like you, I regret to inform you that those expectations are unlikely to be met! Of course, you do have control over the company you keep. If you want your friends to be liberal baseball fans like you who advocate for the environment, you can make a conscious effort to surround yourself with such folks. And it's only natural to expect others to share common values like loyalty, decency, and respect. Otherwise, why bother keeping them around? But even like-minded people -- from your partner to your closest friends -- won't approach every situation as you would. For example, just because your hubby proposes a markedly different solution to a problem than you would, i.e., how to tackle your kid's poor math grades, should not be taken to mean your suggestion is wrong. Similarly, just because your wife doesn't display affection in the ways you would -- or as often -- doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Neither pers...

Let's face it: There's no escaping hardship in life. Whether we're dealing with an impossible project at work or tackling financial issues at home, life has a way of throwing a money wrench at us when least expected. But this doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. Sure, we can feel lost and frustrated at first, but it's critical that we take the long view and realize we can emerge better -- stronger, wiser, more confident -- than before. And it starts with your mindset. If you can frame things differently in your mind, it goes a long way toward making it easier for you to surmount the challenge you face. Rather than meeting a challenge with trepidation, think of it as an exciting test of your will, drive, and mettle.  The former engenders feelings of fear and hopelessness. The latter approach fuels you with energy, motivation, and boldness. Sure, it isn't foolproof, but ask yourself these questions: If we didn't have challenges in li...

Finding out your significant other has cheated on you can be utterly devastating. You gave this individual everything -- your love, your trust, your loyalty -- only to discover they didn't value you enough to do the same.  It can be difficult to see a silver lining in such a horrible turn of events. But something good usually comes out of a bad situation, and this one is no different.  Here are three ways you can look on the bright side after you've been dealt such an emotional blow: 1. You're now more familiar with the red flags to watch out for. The writing was on the wall early on. You were either oblivious to the signs, or you sensed something might be amiss, but you gave your partner the benefit of the doubt. This terrible experience has at least sharpened your ability to sniff out a cheater. Going forward, the chances that someone's infidelity will go undetected are far lower. Now, this doesn't mean we need to become cynical with every pe...

You should not date someone who is unable to stop thinking or talking about their ex. Maybe you catch them talking with a friend about them, calling you by his or her name accidentally, or even keeping photos of them locked in a drawer. Their inability to let their ex go signals that they likely still hold feelings for him or her. No one wants to be in a relationship where they feel as though they're vying for the affections of their partner. Anyone who's having a rough go at moving on -- whether the relationship failed principally because of them or their ex -- has no business pairing up with someone new so quickly. It all screams "rebound relationship," which isn't fair to the new guy or gal in that person's life. I can think of few things as insensitive and selfish as purely using someone to either get over or even with an ex, or to use them as a distraction while they angle to get back with that person behind the scenes. Toying with someone...

One hotly debated topic is whether women should come out of pocket early on in the relationship. When asked, some women retort with an emphatic "no" while others assert that a woman should indeed offer to help out. While opinions will vary, my take is as follows: I think it's a nice gesture when a woman offers to pay for something, however small. It doesn't have to be lunch or dinner, but maybe a bag of popcorn at the movies, a game at the local fair, or even a movie rental via Redbox or Amazon. He may still go ahead and pay himself, but it's the thought that counts -- and he will certainly appreciate the thought. It demonstrates to the guy that she's invested -- whether emotionally, mentally, or financially. However, each person's financial situation ought to be considered. If either is strapped for cash -- maybe they recently got laid off -- it's only fair for the other to step up for the time being. Some women are certainly more ...

Chances are there has been someone in your life whom you called a friend -- only to realize they were anything but. It can be soul-sucking when someone in whom we've invested a great deal of time, energy, and -- more importantly, trust -- lets us down. But all it shows is that no matter how well we think we know someone -- no matter how strongly we believe we have a firm sense of their true character and motivations -- they can deceive us at any point in time. Here are three signs someone is only pretending to be your friend: 1. They talk behind your back. They're two-faced, saying good things about you when in your presence but doing the exact opposite when you're not around. This signals that they not only disvalue your trust, but also your loyalty. 2. They only seem to surface when they need you.  If you get a call or text from this individual, they need money, a cable jump, or some other favor. Being the good friend that you are, you're always happy ...

Do you typically ruminate about the most unfortunate scenario even though it could very well go the opposite way? Rather than picturing and stressing over the worst possible outcome, why not imagine things turning out favorably for you? Sure, it doesn't mean they will. And it doesn't mean we should be oblivious to the consequences of our actions or the potential downsides in any given situation. But pessimism will only work against you, as those negative thoughts that invade the mind will try to convince you that you won't succeed -- that you won't overcome the hurdles life puts on your path. Never give in to negative thinking! You might harp on the negative because deep down you sense that if you're too optimistic, you might very well get blindsided -- and let down -- by setbacks. But here's the thing: You can be pragmatic -- mindful of the pros and cons, the pluses and the minuses -- without allowing negativity to overtake you. In other words, ...

Is it possible for someone to pilfer your partner from you? The answer is no. No one is forcing your partner to leave you. His or her decision to bolt into the arms of someone else is a conscious move on their part.  Even if the other man or woman deliberately tried to woo your partner with their bulging muscles or feminine wiles, the latter is still at fault for falling into temptation and decimating your trust.  Being seduced is no excuse for cheating on one's partner.  If one feels drawn to someone else -- whether physically, emotionally, or both-- they have two options before going down the slippery slope of infidelity: 1. Telling that person to back off and having a serious conversation with their partner in an effort to rekindle attraction and closeness.   2. Ending the relationship before commencing a new one with the other man or woman.  At least, that would be the mature, thoughtful way to handle the situation. ...

At some point, you've likely made an effort to motivate your reluctant partner to do something you know will be good for them. Maybe it's getting more exercise and laying off the fatty foods. Perhaps it's investing more time into studying to finally earn that degree, or doing chores around the house. Here's the thing: It’s a lot easier to make changes within yourself than to get someone else to. It's only human nature for people to resist others' efforts to push them into doing things they simply don't wish to do. And, sometimes, the harder you try, the more obdurate they are. Here's a sounder strategy for getting around their obstinance: Let them observe changes in YOUR own attitude and actions, which are far more likely to prompt changes in your partner than anything else. For example, let's assume you feel your partner is taking you for granted. You've told your partner countless times that you wish they would put more effort...