How To Understand People

Whether your idea of excitement is jumping off an airplane, cooking up exotic dishes, playing music in a band, or merely staying at home reading a gripping book, you should do whatever lights up your soul. Life is too short to set our passions aside for a rainy day. Do them today. Do them now! Focusing on those things we love to do not only makes us happier, it keeps us from dwelling on the negative. Believe it or not, directing one's attention to something positive (e.g., a funny meme or an inspiring video) over the course of the day can make the difference between a decent day and an abysmal one. Distractions can be our friends. Those who insist they don't have the time to cultivate their passions are just making excuses for themselves. We can all squeeze in a little time for hobbies, even if only a few minutes each week. We all have our problems and worries, and, as much as we'd like to, we can't just sweep them under the rug. Still, we can't allow th...

Though falling in love and staying in love might seem the same, they're certainly not. So what's the key difference? We fall in love by chance, but we stay in love by choice. Of course, whether we stay in love depends just as much on us as it does our partner. If one or both partners cease doing these things, it's possible one or both can fall out of love: Surprising the other with love notes, leaving little gifts, going on romantic walks at the beach, and doing other things that drew you closer together in the beginning of the relationship Allocating time and energy for each other as opposed to always putting work or friends first Infusing the relationship with variety so that things don't become routine (e.g., trying out new restaurants, visiting new destinations, etc.) Being there for one another in good times and bad, whether it's to be present for a birthday or console the other following the death of a loved one Striving to better them...

A real relationship is, plain and simple, one in which two imperfect people refuse to give up on one another. Let's face it: If one expects a flawless partner -- let alone a perfect relationship -- they're sure to have a rude awakening. If there's one thing we can all attest to, it's that relationships have their ups and downs. Sometimes partners will do things to test each other's patience and loyalty. Some may come to the brink of calling it quits. But if two people genuinely love each other, they'll do all they can to find common ground. They won't always agree on the best way to tackle a problem, but they'll each make some concessions so that each party feels as though their voice is being heard. A relationship will undoubtedly falter if both people are always out to get the upper hand. Relationships are about navigating challenges together so you can grow stronger together. But seeking to prove the other wrong or catch him or her red...

Certain people just aren't worth stressing about. I speak of those who are impossible to please. The ones who always have something to complain about. The type who seem disenchanted all the time, their primary goal being to have that misery rub off on us. No, thanks. We don't need such people in our lives. The more we can steer clear of them, the more peace of mind and less negativity we will have in our lives. Unfortunately, however, sometimes we have no choice but to stomach them as best as we can. Perhaps you work with a toxic boss or co-worker, but you don't feel now is the time to switch jobs. Or, your meddling in-laws are really testing your patience, but you don't want to say anything to land in hot water with them. That we will come across people we don't get along with is a certainty in life. But as I've said before, life is more about how you react to situations than the situations themselves. It's about how you adapt to circumstances...

It's time to let go of the past and embrace all that awaits you. You can't start the next chapter of your life if you persist in reading the last one. Take the lessons you learned with you, yes, but don't allow your past to prevent you from soaring to new heights. Think of life as a game of football. The clock is ticking. You don't have time focus on the mistakes you made in the second quarter that cost you the lead. So long as you believe in yourself -- and mentally remain in the present moment -- you can persevere. Don't let painful reminders of yesterday get in the way of creating precious memories for tomorrow. Take a deep breath, relax, and tell yourself that you deserve to be happy! Whether your past includes a divorce, a failed business venture, or a series of mistakes you're having trouble shaking off, redirect your thoughts toward the present. While you can't change the past, your present is really what you make of it. Want to fi...

Earlier this week, I watched a video on psychological techniques employed in marketing and advertising. One of the subjects they talked about extends well beyond the world of promotion. In fact, it's something we do in our lives quite often, sometimes to our detriment. They touched upon what is called the focusing illusion.  In a nutshell, it means that the more you think about something, the more importance you assign it. The moment you convince yourself that you're hungry, you might not want to do anything else until you've grabbed something to nosh on. And you might find yourself unable to stop thinking about an ad you saw on TV promoting the Starbucks pumpkin spice latte the night before. Moreover, we tend to see the focusing illusion in action when it comes to those things that make us excited, nervous, or sad. A couple of examples include: Not being able to take your mind off a new girl you just met Being consumed by negative thoughts as your doctor...

We all know at least one person in our lives who strives to keep up with the Joneses. They look to others for inspiration on how to dress, what car to buy, how many children to have, what career to go into, and even which hobbies to cultivate. And that person might very well be ourselves. While turning to others for ideas isn't a bad thing, shadowing everything they do because you crave validation and want to feel as though you're part of the in-group is taking it a step too far. Essentially, you're obliterating all that makes you stand out! Who cares if your neighbor drives a Bentley? If you're satisfied with your Nissan Maxima, that's what matters. Maybe you're the only person at work who doesn't have a dog. So what? There's nothing wrong with being a cat lover. Or perhaps you're the only one among your peer group who isn't in a high-powered career. As long as you're happy in your profession, why should you bother switching fiel...

Becoming overly preoccupied with what others are thinking -- especially about you -- and doing is not conducive to a happy life. In fact, it can bring on feelings of anxiety and even depression if one isn't careful. When I say "don't think too much about people," I don't mean blocking out thoughts of, say, your adorable daughter's first steps, or repressing thoughts of your sister's recent promotion.  There are obviously favorable events tied to those we love that in turn bring us joy because we care deeply for them.  No, I speak of negative thoughts that can send us down the rabbit hole of overthinking. Examples include: Your boss throws you under the bus in a meeting, and you find yourself unable to let it go the rest of the day -- even though she apologized profusely and chalked it up to things she's going through in her personal life. Your partner agrees to pick you up from work on her day off work since the two of you are curre...

Soulmates. Finding the one. Our other half. The media, Hollywood, and even certain people we know peddle this notion that unless we're partnered up, we're not truly happy with our lives -- even if we don't realize it yet. They insist that unless we're in a relationship, we're just not whole. That's just total malarkey. They'd be surprised to learn that there are many people in the world who prefer being by themselves. Whether they've been burned in the past by an ex or merely relish living on their own, these individuals are single by choice -- not necessarily because they can't find any worthwhile suitors. Furthermore, regardless of whether they're single, in a relationship, or married, many people believe that a partner has a responsibility to "complete" them. This is totally false as well. A partner should be seen as a welcome enhancement, but not as a missing piece to complete your life puzzle. The fact that someon...

Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962), the longest-serving First Lady in U.S. history, astutely advised people to do as follows: "Do what you feel in your heart to be right -- for you'll be criticized anyway." Essentially, she's saying that no matter what course of action you take, someone will take issue with it. So why not follow your heart and do what makes you happy? Roosevelt would be disheartened to learn that in 2018, over 5 decades after her death, people still get sucked into the "herd mentality" that drives them to seek others' validation. They believe and perpetuate the notion that true happiness lies with others rather than with and inside themselves. She'd quickly realize that social media has a lot to do with it, seeing as how people will post just about anything to amass as many likes and followers as they can. Whether you like football, abstain from drinking, are in a long-distance relationship, have only one child, enjoy travelin...

As we get older, we realize that things don't always turn out the way we planned, or the way we think they should. For example, there may come a point where you concede that your bad back precludes you from becoming the rich professional basketball player you aspire to be. Or, it becomes clear that you won't be going on a date with the new office secretary you've been ogling for months after realizing she has a boyfriend. Additionally, we come to terms with the sobering reality that troublesome relationships cannot always be fixed. As much as we may try, they may never go back to being the way they were in the beginning. Our relationships with certain people may become frayed or fall apart completely. Sometimes it's one person's fault, or it may very well be that both people are to blame. Nonetheless, it can be difficult to see a relationship we envisioned lasting a lifetime go down the tubes. But we must all accept that people and circumstances change...

Whether it's a love interest who's made you their "plan B" in case it doesn't work out with their first choice, or a friend who only calls you when plans with other people fall through, never allow yourself to be someone's backup. What a lousy position to be in!  The other person is essentially saying that you're not good enough to be their top pick. Well, here's the good news: You will always be good enough for someone else out there. You will be someone's first choice. And that's why it's imperative that you not rest on your laurels when someone places you on the back burner. By doing so, you risk missing out on opportunities to meet or be with people who genuinely value your time and the ways you enhance their lives. Rather than pine for someone who doesn't want to give you the time of day, you should gravitate toward people who feel that investing time in you is well worth it. If people don't choose you, tough luck. ...

Whether you're nervous about a presentation you're slated to make before investors, worried about lab results following a doctor's visit, or freaking out about a blind date you have coming up, does it benefit you in any way to think the very worst? Absolutely not! As soon as a situation presents itself that forces us out of our comfort zone, for many of us a sense of pessimism kicks in immediately. We assume we're going to bomb the presentation. We convince ourselves the lab results will reveal something serious. We anticipate the date will be a total disaster. Seeing the glass as half empty erodes our confidence and can even do a number on our self-esteem. It's normal to feel a little anxiety in such situations, but getting extremely worked up won't help matters at all. Instead, we need to force ourselves to consider alternative -- and decidedly positive -- scenarios. Who says things can't things go smoothly? Chances are you've been in...

We all have at least a couple of people in our lives who only show interest in us when they need something. Sadly, these individuals might be people we were very close to earlier in our lives. Maybe it's someone you worked with at your last company, a friend you've known since early childhood, or even a sibling you used to do everything with. Unfortunately, many of us find ourselves in a situation where we've made repeated attempts to get a hold of or hang out with the person in question, but they're always busy. Our calls go straight to voicemail and may not be returned for weeks, if we're lucky. Our invitations to meet up are met with hesitation, as if we were pulling their teeth. And it isn't as if we're reaching out because we necessarily need something. Maybe we just want to catch up over drinks or check out the new car they bought several months ago, but haven't yet invited us to see. When you feel as though you're pushing the other...

When someone treats you like you're just one of their many options, help them narrow their options by removing yourself from the equation. Whether the woman you're after tells you that five other guys are in the running for her affections or your friend claims to already have plans every time you propose hanging out with him, you can do so much better. You deserve better! People make time for those who matter to them. If you're always playing second fiddle to other people, it's plain to see where the person in question's loyalties lie. More importantly, you should ask yourself why you're even pining for someone who appears to be in such high demand. Is this person serious about building long-lasting relationships, or are they simply trying to stroke their ego by having several people vie for their time? In case no one has informed them, life isn't a popularity contest. Stringing people along is selfish and inconsiderate of others' time ...

When society tries to make you feel guilty for enjoying your alone time, tell it to go fly a kite! There's nothing wrong with taking pleasure in your own company. It doesn't make you weird. It doesn't make you antisocial. It doesn't make you selfish. And it doesn't make lonely and desperately desirous of human contact. It makes you human! We all have to interact with others on a daily basis -- whether with family at home or coworkers in the workplace -- plus attend to other matters that can further sap our time and energy, from flat tires to unexpected doctor's visits. This can leave us feeling drained at the end of the day, prompting us to seek solitude. For many people -- particularly the introverts among us -- nothing can be more rejuvenating than time spent indulging solitary activities like reading, watching movies, and sleeping. Extroverts, on the other hand, derive energy from social interaction, so it should come as no surprise they would be du...

Entering into a relationship with the intention of changing or fixing someone is a surefire recipe for disaster. For starters, while it's possible that your influence will help change someone for the better, there are never any guarantees. And even if they do make progress, who's to say they can't revert to their old ways? It isn't your responsibility to resolve all their problems for them. You can lend a helping hand, sure, but you should never carry their burdens on your shoulders. One thing is to feel compelled to help someone you're married to or have been with for many years, and another is to start a relationship with someone who has issues -- whether financial or emotional -- from the outset and expects you to rescue them. I've heard stories of women who have resolved to change a so-called bad boy into a nice guy and seen their efforts bear little fruit. Sooner or later, it becomes apparent that the guy is unable to turn the corner in his life...

While there are always exceptions, women are generally drawn to men who exude self-confidence. Some of you guys may be scratching your heads and asking, "Wait, I thought women were mostly attracted to men who are nice to them and possess resources (money, cars. etc.)?" This, unfortunately, is a rather common misconception that has caused many men to strike out in the dating arena. You can't expect to buy a woman's affections with compliments, flowers, and jewelry. Women can easily sense when a guy is trying to sweet-talk and spend his way into her heart (and pants). Women are attracted to men who show interest in them, sure, but in a more measured manner. If you tell a woman after only three dates that you love her and look forward to your wedding day, you'll do nothing but scare her off. If, however, you maintain a little mystery about you while exhibiting self-confidence, you're sure to keep her on her toes. Women are drawn to self-confident ...

Can you guess what holds many people back from fulfilling their potential and leading a happy life? It's none other than their past. In the worst cases, the past can be a heavy anchor that pins us down, holds us back, and impedes our growth. People perceive their past differently, sometimes depending on how things are going for them in the present.  If things are not that great right now, they may view their past quite favorably, always lamenting that they wish things could be as they were in the "good old days." Then there are those who find it difficult to move past bad experiences. For example, those who went through a bad break-up might become paranoid about entering into a new relationship, turning down opportunities to go out with ostensibly promising suitors. They vow to never trust or give their heart to anyone again.  But we can never be truly happy unless we learn to let go of the past. The more you allow the past to paralyze or hau...

In order for a relationship to run smoothly, partners need to function as a team while still maintaining their distinct identities. It's a delicate balancing act many couples struggle to master. As I've stressed in recent posts, both individuals have to pull their own weight. If the same person is left doing all the chores every week -- whether it's cooking dinner, tending to the dogs, or doing the laundry -- while the other goes off to carouse with friends, how long do you think it will be before the former feels aggrieved? Chores should be divided evenly so that both parties can free up time for themselves, whether it's to go to the movies together or catch up with their buddies. (There are always exceptions, of course, as when couples agree that one will stay at home taking care of the children and the household duties.) When a couple adopts a team mentality, they essentially leave selfishness at the door. They make concessions for one another and, rather...