How To Understand People

While you might think living a happy life should involve no shortage of bells and whistles -- fancy cars, big houses, a wide circle of relationships -- people can find joy and contentment in things that may not cost much (if anything at all). Here are three tips for finding pockets of happiness in daily life: 1. Live simply. Sure, who doesn't like being a nice car, watch, or pair of shoes every so often? While treating ourselves to something nice is a good thing -- we do, after all, work hard for it -- we should never depend on material stuff to make us happy, much like we shouldn't turn to human beings for fulfillment. Aim to appreciate the little things in life that bring us joy -- a beautiful sunset, a hot cup of coffee, a game of fetch with the dog. These are things that require little to no money and leave us feeling better. Some people feel happiness eludes them, but there's happiness to be found in the simplest of things. 2. Love generously. What better f...

Given that Thursday marked Thanksgiving Day in the U.S., it made the perfect occasion to take a moment and acknowledge the efforts of the special people in our lives who show they genuinely care for us -- whether it be our parents, partner, close friends, and/or co-workers. (Yet, this should be done over the course of the entire year, not just one day of the year.) As we well know, one thing is to profess you care, and another is to show it. Showing it means going out of your way -- inconveniencing yourself, if you will -- for other people. It means putting someone atop your priority list every so often, even though you have a slew of things you still need to tend to. It means being there when someone needs you, even if it's just via text or by phone. It means that you don't just surface on the person's birthday.  Real relationships are about putting into them what you get out of them .  Those who care aren't only thinking about what they can extract f...

We all know of someone -- whether a friend, teacher, neighbor, or acquaintance -- who has cheated on their partner. Maybe they cheated on someone you're close to, or perhaps you've cheated on a significant other yourself and have vowed never to be unfaithful again. Unfortunately, I often find that in such cases of infidelity, the guilty party doesn't immediately take responsibility for what they did and give their partner the time and space they need to sort out their feelings. Instead, they become defensive (if not combative), trying to come up with reasons why they should be let off the hook. When the victim asks to be left alone, the cheater may heap apology after apology, refusing to take no for an answer. Nothing in the world could justify cheating on a partner. It is the most egregious form of betrayal one can carry out -- the ultimate breach of trust someone has placed in you. Not surprisingly, cheaters try to dream up every excuse in the book to justify th...

A person may like you, but that doesn't necessarily mean they value you. So what's the difference? Someone can like you and still take you for granted, treat you with disdain, and run the relationship into the ground.  In other words, whether a person likes you or not says nothing about their willingness to invest in and commit to the relationship. One can like that someone possesses certain attributes -- whether ambition, a sense of humor, integrity, or loyalty -- and still not value them as a person. Take cheaters. Do you really think that people who cheat on their partners don't like them? On the contrary, despite their transgressions, many assert that they love and would do anything for their significant others! However, the mere fact they would even entertain the idea of cheating demonstrates they don't value the person in the slightest. If they did, they would know to put on the brakes and not risk jeopardizing the relationship. We also see this ...

The worst type of pain is not inflicted by the people we can't stand (i.e, our "enemies"), but by the people we care about the most. For example, if you haven't been able to stand your boss from day one, the fact that he was a rude jerk today probably doesn't come as a surprise. The same goes for meddling in-laws, the persistent bully at school, or the obnoxious neighbor who's never rubbed you the right way. Yet, when our partner, trusted friend of 20 years, or doting relative does us wrong, it can be devastating. We might feel as though we've been hit by a train moving at breakneck speed.  Imagine finding out that your boyfriend has been cheating on you for years. Or that your closest friend has been spreading rumors about you to others within your circle. Or, picture discovering that your coworker has been taking credit for your ideas at work.  We never see this deception coming when it concerns people in whom we have placed our tru...

There's been a lot of talk in the media/political sphere concerning fake news. But not as much attention is paid to fake people, especially those who try to pass off as real friends . We count on friends to be there for us in good times and bad, through thick and thin. True friends celebrate our successes and support us in our darkest moments. Though we can't rely on them to solve our problems, just knowing we have their ear or shoulder to cry on can be a big help. At the same time, we'd be willing to do almost anything for them, considering them more like family than some of our own blood relatives. Sadly, some friends don't turn out to be as caring and loyal as we thought. We come to realize that they had ulterior motives for befriending us. Or, the friendship starts out innocently enough, but over time they begin taking the friendship for granted. Three kinds of fake friends  For starters, there are those who forget you exist once they enter into relat...

Whether you've been with someone for a long time or only just recently began dating them, you may find yourself doing just about everything you can to keep the relationship strong. Sadly, not everyone is similarly disposed. Staying in a relationship makes no sense when you are the only one investing in it -- physically, mentally, and emotionally. Relationships cannot maintain themselves. Just like an air conditioner or refrigerator can't operate without routine maintenance, a relationship is not self-sustaining. Moreover, it isn't fair for only one person to shoulder all the work. Each partner deserves to feel loved and appreciated. Each person should feel as though the other has their best interests at heart. Sticking around and hoping they'll change is not a risk worth taking when they've shown time and time again that what you see is what you'll get. They don't have to say a word; their actions prove that either they're in the relationsh...

The American essayist, poet, and philosopher Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) once said, "You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment." Put simply, Thoreau meant that life is short, and we ought to make the most of every moment. He is also been credited for saying, "Our life is frittered away by detail...simplify, simplify." (In case you haven't read up on Thoreau, he lived in a cabin at Walden Pond for over two years. His purpose? To "live deliberately.") If Thoreau were alive today, he'd be aghast at how so many people in the country -- and the world as a whole -- have fallen pray to consumerism . Rather than finding ways to simplify their lives, people seem to be doing the exact opposite, saturating them with more stuff, more people, more noise. When Thoreau exhorts us to live in the present and launch ourselves on every wave, he isn't saying we should set out on shopping spree...

Being happy does not mean everything in your life is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections and haven't looked back. Let's face it: There is no such thing as the perfect life. Between stress at work, mounting bills, obnoxious people, pesky health issues, financial pressures, and other challenges we face, our lives are never entirely carefree. However, those who adopt a half-glass-full approach can view this as a positive. Think about it. What would life really be like if we had no obstacles to overcome? How would we achieve growth? In what other ways could we acquire wisdom? If we didn't have rough times in our lives, we'd be less likely to appreciate the tranquil, trouble-free periods. If we had no problems to resolve, we wouldn't know how gratifying it can be to resolve them , especially when it results in people becoming closer. Sure, no one wishes for, say, health or money woes. But many would agree that only by...

Over the years, people have told me that they wish they could free themselves of their own sensitivity, claiming it has led to deep heartache and hurt feelings. I told them that nixing their sensitive nature will only demonstrate one thing: That they are succumbing to the desires of others. If you've read several other of my posts, you'll know that a recurring theme on this blog is the concept of individuality , and how important it is that we hold on to the things that distinguish us from other people. By becoming the hardened, unemotional person others push you to be, you're just letting them win .  So what is one to do? Well, no one says you can't be sensitive and firm simultaneously. We can be kind, generous, and compassionate toward others without granting them the latitude to trample on our feelings. The key is to make clear that although you have a soft side, you are totally capable of summoning a bolder, no-nonsense version of yourself that won'...

Relationships don't die on their own. They end because one or both partners fail to invest the time, energy, and effort to sustain them. They put everything before the relationship -- work, chores, kids, hobbies -- and are then left wondering why things took such a bad turn. A relationship can't maintain itself. Just because you've been with someone for 20 years, share the same interests, or you're convinced nothing could ever tear you apart doesn't mean it can't go down the tubes. If both partners aren't actively contributing to the relationship, they can drift apart in no time, potentially opening the door to drinking, depression, cheating, and other circumstances that can put the relationship on a downward spiral from which it may never recover. On the flip side, those who genuinely want the relationship to remain strong never cease doing the little things -- the love notes/texts, a surprise dinner here and there, a kiss upon waking up and bef...

Rather be by yourself than around fake friends? You're not alone. Rather be alone than in a relationship with a superficial individual? Join the club. Every coin has two sides. Similarly, many people we come across on a daily basis are unapologetically two-faced. Here are just a few reasons why people struggle to be genuine: They succumb to social pressure, relinquishing their individuality in the process.  They think they need to be different in order to gain approval from others, even if "different" means shallow and conniving.  They're selfish . They want to get their way, and they don't care whom they have to backstab -- and in what fashion -- to do so. They have a low self-esteem. These people firmly believe that being themselves isn't good enough, so they must resort to being deceptive and disingenuous.  That being said, never pay any mind to those who say it's better to be around fake people than it is to enjoy your own company. ...

We've all been there: Someone who we trust deeply stabs us in the back, and our world comes crashing down in an instant. We may be in denial at first, refusing to accept the fact that someone so near and dear to us could fritter away our trust. Once we come to terms with what has occurred, we may find it difficult to confide in anyone again for a while. Perhaps you discovered that your partner cheated on you. Maybe you caught your coworker spreading rumors about you behind your back. Or, you realized that your friend of 20 years has been stealing money from you. No matter the form of deception, it can be devastating. In the worst cases, such events can wreak havoc on one's self-esteem, leading to depression and other negative health outcomes. So what happens next? As the victim, that's really up to you. You were wronged and can pursue whatever course of action you deem fair. If he or she displays genuine remorse -- including a sincere apology that feels like it...

If you were to look up the word narcissist in the dictionary, you'd likely find a definition along these lines: A person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. That being said, if I were to ask you to name words you associate with narcissism, you might mention the following: Pride Self-absorbed Cocky Conceited  Selfish Egocentric  Full of themselves Indeed, narcissists love being the center of attention. Getting compliments and "likes" from others further fuels their unbridled love of self. If they're not in the spotlight, it's a lousy day as far as they're concerned.  In the worst cases, narcissists are willing to stab someone in the back or throw them under the bus to get their way.  Perhaps you've witnessed this kind of behavior at work with a toxic boss or slimy coworker who takes credit for your work and never misses the opportunity to laud their "accomplishments."  Or maybe you've had...