How To Understand People

If Monday is July 4th, that can only mean one thing: a long weekend draws near! It doesn't feel like the last long weekend we had -- Memorial Day weekend -- was that long ago. Time flies! One of the best things about a long weekend is the fact that things begin to get a whole lot calmer around Thursday. Suddenly, you start noticing people taking days off or leaving earlier. It is for this reason that I actually enjoy going to work on Fridays that precede long weekends. Because there are fewer people around to interrupt and distract you, you can usually do more of whatever it is you intend to do, whether it's lollygag or actual work.  Indeed, I find the best days to take off are those where everyone is at work -- except me. But if several people are out, I just don't get the same satisfaction from being out of the office. I become especially disgruntled when I request a day off, only to discover that my boss won't be in that day either.  Anyhow, I wa...

If you could relive any phase of your life, what would it be? For me, it would be my college years, hands down, and many of my friends, relatives, and co-workers echo that very sentiment. And it's not because I miss drunken fraternity parties or on-campus events. For starters, I don't drink and I was never in a fraternity. Because I was a commuter student, I never actually lived on campus and thus didn't have the quintessential college experience. Still, I loved college because the academic atmosphere suited me. I always excelled in school (thanks largely to my mom, who instilled in me a passion for learning) and felt completely in my element. Even though I got a part-time job during my junior year, I still considered school my top priority. Indeed, I was one those reviled nerds who enjoyed reading voraciously and writing papers. One of the best aspects of college -- it's probably the one I miss the most -- was the flexibility it afforded me. When you're i...

When leaders punish subordinates, they often do this out of distrust. Afraid of losing their position, they use punishment as a deterrent. However, new research shows such punishments are not very effective. Distrust is the primary reason why leaders impose punishments on individuals over whom they have power. Leaders expect others not to follow the rules, and punish them on the basis of this distrust. Ironically, not only are these punishments hardly effective, but they have the potential to exacerbate the situation. When people feel distrusted, they are less inclined to obey the rules. They deem this assumption on the part of the leaders as a clear sign of disrespect. Thus, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. Furthermore, leaders are afraid of losing their power, and act out of the desire to protect that power. That's why they wield punishment as a deterrent -- to ensure that rules are never broken again. They feel that if they're too trusting of others, thi...

Most of us don't warm up to change easily, whether it's starting a new job or moving to a new neighborhood. In fact, when change is imminent, many of us tend to get awfully nervous and think the worst, making such defeatist statements as: "I'm going to fail." "Something bad is going to happen." "This isn't going to work." While it's normal to feel a little apprehensive about the future -- that is, the unknown -- we should not get in the habit of always facing it with trepidation. After all, what lies ahead may actually turn out a lot better than we expect. In order to better take the future in stride, we must do two things: 1. Stay positive : Negativity not only makes us more anxious, it eats away at our self-confidence. Success starts with opening yourself to the possibility of things turning out favorably. You need to give it time -- human beings are surprisingly good at adapting to new, unfamiliar situations. As tem...

Recently, my wife and I bought a decorative frame we hung up on my kitchen wall. It reads as follows: "Do more of what makes you happy." I couldn't agree more. That's why I amble to the kitchen to read the quote anytime I feel bored or sad. As long as what you love doing isn't hurting anyone or breaking the law, you should indulge in whatever hobbies or activities tickle your fancy. Mine are simple: I love writing, reading, and learning. A day doesn't go by where I don't seek knowledge on history and psychology, the two subjects about which I'm most passionate. If you find those areas of interest dull, you're not alone. Many people tell me that history puts them to sleep. But that's the beauty of life -- we all have different passions, and we should spend our finite time on this earth exploring and enjoying them as much as possible . I might not have the slightest interest in your hobbies, but I fully appreciate a person throwing th...

When most people think of New York, historic landmarks and attractions like the Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, and Chrysler Building come to mind. But few know of the place that happens to be the Big Apple's oldest cultural institution: the New York Society Library. It was founded in 1754 by the New York Society as a subscription library. During the time New York served as the capital of the United States, it was the de facto Library of Congress. It also functioned as the city's library until the New York Public Library was established in 1895. The New York Society Library was patronized by such iconic political figures as George Washington, John Adams, Alexander Hamilton, and Aaron Burr, the latter two eventually squaring off in a duel that resulted in Hamilton's untimely death. Interestingly, Washington is believed to have failed to return two books due in 1789. Since 1937, the library has been housed in the former John S. Roger's Mansion on Manha...

What would you do if you worked as a waitress at a restaurant and received a $1,000 tip one day? Would you think it was a mistake and try to track down the person who left the exorbitant sum? Or would you pocket the money and go about your business? Skye Seumptewa found herself in such a conundrum when she opened the ticket book left by a customer and noticed it contained more than $1,000. She assumed right out of the gate that he'd made a blunder, and her suspicions were confirmed when the individual returned the next day to get his money back. The man was eating at Thailicious, a restaurant in Edgewater, Colorado. The story goes that he ordered a meal and a few glasses of wine at the bar. Shortly after he made his way out of the restaurant, Seumptewa noticed the wad of bills left inside. Some of the restaurant employees got excited, recalling stories of people who have left generous tips at restaurants. Even so, it seemed a tad too generous; the employees agreed that the ...

I know people who are too busy to visit their parents -- that is, except for Mother's Day and Father's Day. Then there are those who have lost one or both parents and become especially sorrowful on these days. One thing I always tell both camps is that Mother's Day and Father's Day are not once a year -- they're every day. I remind the first group that we should think about and reach out to our parents every day. If that's not feasible, it should be at least once a week. I know life gets in the way. We're busy with work, our kids, and so much else. But the fact of the matter is that our parents won't be here forever. We must strive to spend as much time with them as we possibly can while they're still alive. As for the second group, while it's normal to become more melancholy on these days -- who wouldn't with copious Facebook posts and commercials centering on these occasions? -- they should keep one thing in mind. Like all other...

Let's face it. Human beings are social, emotional creatures. When it comes to job interviews, a candidate's qualifications and experience matter a great deal. However, in order to outshine other equally qualified -- or better qualified -- candidates, you have to bring something more to the table. Yes, knowing someone who knows someone else can improve your odds. But chances are you will eventually apply for a job at a company at which none of your friends, acquaintances, or friends of friends work. Luckily, though, you can still land a job without networking. Here's my secret to increasing your chances of getting the job exponentially: Connect with the interviewer on a personal level . Let's say my interviewer's name is Stacy. At some point in the interview (usually toward the end), I might tell her that I had a very close friend in college with the same name. Or, I might see a sticker on her filing cabinet that says "Born in New York" and sa...

I was known to sleepwalk frequently as a kid, though I don't believe I've ever seen someone else do it. What I have witnessed are people like my wife talking in their sleep. I find it creepy when people do normal things in their sleep -- talk about their job, throw something in the garbage -- that give others the impression they're wide awake when they're really not. These people later have no recollection of what they did or said. I've always viewed this as one's mind and body operating on their own -- outside of conscious awareness. I've always heard the worst thing you can do to a sleep talker or sleep walker is alarm or upset them. It's scary to think that people might open the front door and sleep walk their way out of the house and into oncoming traffic. Even if they don't leave the house, they could still sustain injuries by bumping into a wall or falling down a flight of stairs. I think it's crucial to have safeguards in place (e...

I've lost count of the number of boyfriends this woman has had. Over the years, she's been romantically linked to everyone from John Mayer to Joe Jonas. No sooner did she break up with Calvin Harris, who she'd been dating since March 2015, than she was spotted canoodling with actor Tom Hiddleston of Thor  fame. Taylor Swift is filthy rich and has every right to date whomever she pleases. The only issue is that she's beginning to build a reputation as a commitmentphobe. What could all these guys be thinking? Men who want a serious relationship naturally evade women who flit from one relationship to another. Swift reminds me of a girl I fell for in high school; one day she was obsessed with me, the next she was serving up excuses for why we shouldn't be together. I know the rules are a little different when you're a Hollywood megastar, but surely she must be wondering whether she's a magnet for short, ill-fated relationships. Maybe she'said unw...

Few things are as satisfying as waking up and realizing it's Friday. It means the long slog is finally coming to an end (for this week, at least). At last, we can see a light at the end of the tunnel. But for most of us, this feeling is long gone by late Saturday/early Sunday. That's when it hits us: we'll have to go back to work in only a matter of hours. However, I try to make the most of the Friday euphoria while I still can. As I've stressed in prior posts, sometimes we derive more enjoyment out of anticipating something than actually experiencing it. Fridays are no exception. I even begin to get giddy Thursday night. After working hard all week, it feels good to know that two days of rest, relaxation and leisure are upon us. I only wish weekends could be longer; three days would be ideal! What do you think?

Want me to write about a topic of interest to you? Let me know in the comments section! I'd be happy to discuss this with you in private, if you so desire. Keep in mind that How to Understand People specializes in psychology-based content, with these being the areas most frequently touched upon: Relationship psychology  Consumer psychology Personality psychology  Social psychology  I can always make an exception if it's a topic near and dear to your heart.  Don't be shy; send me a message and let me know what's on your mind! I'd love to see what great ideas you can bring to the table! Cheers, Jeff  Blog Writer and Administrator 

I've always wondered why so many people have an aversion to cold weather. Mind you, I live in South Florida, where it can feel like summer year-round (with exception to a couple of days a year in which the temperature dips into the 30s and 40s as a result of a cold front). The humidity here can be hard to bear. Sometimes it's so bad that I have to keep the temperature in my condo in the low 60s. And when a cold shower won't do, I often take a refreshing dip in the swimming pool. I find that it's easier to bundle up when I'm cold -- a heater and cup of hot cocoa can do wonders -- than cool off when it's really hot outside. It doesn't help that, unlike most people I know, I get hot easily. Most of my friends and family members loathe cold weather. They claim to hate hot, humid days just as much, but say they'd choose the latter if they had to pick only one. I think I was meant to live somewhere that sees snow, which I love to behold and touch, ...

If you were asked to name the biggest societal pressures we face, what would you say? Chances are at least some of these will be make your list: The pressure to get married  The pressure to have children The pressure to be thin The pressure to pursue only those careers that pay tons of money  The pressure to have a nice car, house, and other valuables There are many more pressures we face, of course, but I think the five above are the biggies, thanks in large part to Hollywood, advertising, and the media. Many people would say that the first three concern mostly women, while the latter two predominantly affect men. I'd argue, however, that people are pressured into doing all of these things irrespective of their gender.  It appears the tide is beginning to turn, though. For one, a few of my acquaintances have kids, but they've assured me that they don't want to get married. Others have confided that they're childfree by choice and want to keep ...

Studies show that far more women are skipping marriage today than was the case two, even three decades ago. Plus, what many women are saying on social media regarding the perils of tying the knot corroborates these findings. This morning, I was sifting through posts on the Facebook page for Psychology Today. One of them posed an intriguing question: Do women these days still find great value in getting married? Judging from the comments to the post, many of them do not. One woman stated plainly that after dating several non-committal men, she's grown tired of pushing marriage on these guys with nothing to show for it. Another said that she refuses to take the plunge again after being cheated on by two of her husbands. Still another admitted that she's never wanted to be tied down, instead valuing the flexibility of singlehood. For many women, the perks of being married -- like additional tax and insurance benefits -- just aren't sufficient to offset the problems tha...

In this post, I'd like to share what I find are the three ingredients to a joyful, satisfying life. I call them the 3 Ls: live, laugh, love . The fact they all begin with the same letter surely makes them easier to remember. 1. Live : It's fine to be cautious and prudent, but we needn't live so austerely as to inhibit ourselves from enjoying life. In other words, we should strive to  live our lives, but in responsible ways . The trick is to achieve a sensible middle ground. Running up credit card debit and drinking while driving don't constitute living  life to the fullest. They're examples of reckless behavior that can get you in heaps of trouble, if not endanger your life. Instead, we should make the most of our lives by soaking up memorable experiences. Travel the world (without overextending yourself financially, of course). Hit up new restaurants close to home and far away. Try your hand at skydiving, scuba diving, and other exciting activities you never th...

Here's some food for thought: To my dismay, when I go to the grocery store, I often see people grab products nearest them -- the ones placed at the very front of each shelf -- without thinking twice about it. Whether due to laziness or just plain ignorance, they are putting in their carts items that are potentially nearing expiration. Grocery chains follow the "first in, first out rule." They obviously want to get rid of older inventory first, so they make those more prominent so that consumers are more likely to get them. Newer goods, on the other hand, are placed toward the back of the shelf. Many people arrange their items similarly at home so that they lessen the chances of items going bad. You can probably guess where I'm going with this. As consumers, we want the most bang for our buck, and that means buying the freshest items with the longest shelf lives. Whether you're buying milk, bread, or other perishable foods, you'll want to reach for it...

It's not every day that you have the opportunity to stay at one of the oldest hotels in the United States. If you ever decide to visit Concord, Massachusetts, you'll get just that. Concord's Colonial Inn's original structure was built in 1716. One of the Inn's original buildings served as a storehouse for arms and provisions in 1775 during the Revolutionary War. When the British arrived to seize and destroy the supplies, the Minutemen met them head-on at the North Bridge for what became the first battle of the American Revolution. The event is commemorated every April with a parade near the Inn and a ceremony at the North Bridge on Patriots' Day. In the early 1800s, parts of the Inn's were used as a residence and variety store. From 1835-1837, author and philosopher Henry David Thoreau, who was born and died in Concord, stayed at the Inn while attending Harvard. In the mid-1800s, the building was used as a boarding house and a small hotel called the ...

It's in some people's nature to try to manipulate others at every turn. These opportunists care little about the consequences of their actions. They're conniving and deceitful, carrying out their schemes so stealthily as to never attract attention. In fact, on the surface, they can seem like some of the nicest individuals you'll ever meet, the last people you'd suspect of any wrongdoing. These people are masters at exploiting others' good nature. Their easiest and favorite targets are those who are perpetually nice and accommodating. They figure that people who lack a backbone are more likely to let themselves be taken advantage of. Once they see they can get a favor or two from them with very little effort, they press on with full force and never look back. The most common form of manipulation often involves what many deem the "root of all evil": money. We've all heard stories of women who use their feminine wiles to bilk wealthy men -- espe...

Most people find it a tall order to be without internet for a day, let alone an entire week. We have a hard time conceiving that, at one point, people actually functioned in this world without the aid of smart phones, tablets, and laptops. Just picture yourself having to get through a full week sans internet. You'd have to dust off the old phone book to look up restaurants and other establishments in the area.  With no Netflix, you'd have no choice but to watch movies and shows via DVD or cassette.  With no YouTube, you can only hope that whatever music video or show clip you'd like to watch pops up somewhere while you're surfing the TV channels.  You wouldn't be able to download music to your phone or iPod, forcing you to tune in to the radio. If you pay your bills online, you'd have to resort to traditional payment methods like check, money order, or paying by phone.  Need to research anything for school, work, or leisure? Your best bet would be...

There's a well-known adage that variety is the spice of life. This is far from a tired cliché; it's the truth. The only way to ensure that our lives don't get stuck in a repetitive rut is to keep them fresh and exciting. We do this by infusing them with new experiences. That can be anything from traveling the world to taking a different route to and from work each day. We are creatures of habit who tend to get stuck in our comfort zone, conditioning us to live each day in "rinse and repeat" fashion. While a little routine is to be expected, we shouldn't feel as if each day is a rehash of the prior one. If, at the end of the week, you can't remember a single thing that distinguished one day of that week from the other -- if the entire week seems like a big blur -- that's a telltale sign you may need to spruce things up a bit. And no one says injecting some spontaneity into your life has to be expensive. The key is to do a few little things ...

I just finished reading a book titled " Washington's Circle: The Creation of the President ." It's one of the best books I've read in a long time, and one I highly recommend if you're interested in history and politics. It harks back to an era when a fledgling nation was led by some of the brightest minds in its history. Rounding out Washington's cabinet was Secretary of State and future President Thomas Jefferson, who formed the Democratic-Republican party; Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton, who established the first Bank of the United States and helped found the Federalist Party; Secretary of War Henry Knox; and Attorney General Edmund Randolph. Many historians deem this the best presidential cabinet ever to be assembled. Despite their differing political views, these men led the nation through turbulent waters in the late 1700s. From strained relations with the British and French that brought the nascent country to the brink of war to par...

We all know them: the blabbermouths. They're the people who know no limits when it comes to conversing. They're masters in the art of chit-chat. They talk so much that you've convinced yourself they must love to hear their own voice -- for hours on end. We all have at least one coworker, friend, or relative like this. I don't think there's anything wrong with someone who's overly talkative -- that is, until he or she prevents the other from getting a word in edgewise. I also take issue with people who talk over or interrupt others while they're speaking. Not only is this majorly rude, it's disrespectful. In order for a conversation to flow smoothly, both parties should take turns listening and speaking. If one person is hogging all the time for himself, it makes the exchange seem too one-sided. I quickly lose interest in continuing a conversation once I see the other person attempting to hijack it. As interesting as the person's stories m...

Here's an outstanding quote from Eleanor Roosevelt to get your week off on the right foot: "With the new day comes strength and new thoughts." - Eleanor Roosevelt  As I noted in an earlier post, each new day is like pressing the reset button. It presents an opportunity to rid yourself of the negativity of yesterday and fill your mind with positive thoughts as you look ahead to the future. You survived another day. Whatever it is you're going through didn't kill you. That can only mean one thing: you've emerged stronger. The will to persevere is more powerful than many of us realize. Just when we think we've reached the end of our rope, we find the strength to tie a knot and hang on. But this can only be possible through the power of positive thinking. You have to believe wholeheartedly that things can and will get better, and you have to do your part to facilitate that -- from reaching out to friends and family for support to smiling and find...

Gossiping always comes back to bite you in the rear end, which is why you should avoid it at all costs. Either the person who you're gossiping about uncovers your treachery, or the ones you're gossiping with stab you in the back by telling the individual it's you doing the dirty work behind the scenes. Even if your target is so vile as to deserve what you're doing to her, you don't want to get involved. You never really know who you can trust, which is why you should maintain a neutral position at all times. You can rest assured that you'll be pressured to join in on the bashing. It's at that point that you should politely decline. This is how it works: People have a herd mentality. If you're not with them in talking smack about Betty behind her back, surely you must be against them, making you a threat. What you have to do is say -- nicely but firmly -- that you don't want to take sides. You want to keep it professional at all times. But the...

I'm a firm believer in doing what makes you happy, so long as it isn't hurting someone else in the process. As I've noted repeatedly on the blog, what makes you happy isn't always in line with societal expectations. Sometimes the things we do and people we associate with won't make us the coolest, most popular person in town by society's standards, but we do it because they feel right. Here are a few examples: Working in a traditionally low-paying field like teaching or non-profit work Dating someone who looks "different" (e.g., gothic, heavy set, etc.) Becoming heavily invested in something that most people care little about (e.g. reading 18th century literature) Opting not to have children Opting not to get married Renting rather than buying a home Riding a motorcycle rather than driving a car Staying home reading rather than attending a party If we all did to the letter what society expects of us, what a boring world this would be! ...

In life, you must always remember to focus on the right people . Whom do I refer to when I say "the right people"? Those who inspire you , of course. Whether it's a parent who raised you all by herself, a teacher who taught you a valuable lesson or two, or an important figure in history whose contributions have resonated deeply with you, these are the kinds of individuals who deserve a permanent place in our thoughts. On the other hand, we must resist the urge to ruminate on people who engender in us a sense of negativity that's hard to shake off -- the ones who bring us down the very second we think of them. That may include an obnoxious boss, a jaded ex who can't take no for an answer, or a friend who only reaches out to you when she needs you. Your mind is cluttered enough as it is. Why waste whatever mental real estate you have available on people who simply aren't worthy of your thoughts? They sure as hell aren't thinking of you, so why shou...

Did you know that a U.S. president once got married in the White House? That's right. On this day in 1886, President Grover Cleveland (1837-1908) became the first sitting president to marry in the executive mansion. Cleveland entered the White House as a bachelor and left a married man and father of two. His new wife was Frances Folsom, a gorgeous young woman 27 years his junior. Cleveland had literally known Frances, the daughter of a former law partner and Cleveland’s legal ward, since she was born. When she was 11, Frances’ father died and Cleveland became her legal guardian, maintaining close ties with her mother. People thought Cleveland would marry his friend’s widow and were taken aback when he instead married Frances as soon as she turned 21. In another White House first, Frances and Cleveland’s second daughter Esther had the distinction of being first child born to a president in a White House bedroom. Cleveland's pet name for Frances was Frank. It must h...

Happy June, all! It's hard to believe we've reached the halfway point of the year. Six months are in the books, with just as many to go before we bid adieu to 2016. Doesn't it feel as though we were celebrating the holidays just yesterday? A new month marks an opportunity to move on from the problems and challenges of yesterday and look forward to better, more joyful days. May was a tough month for my wife and I. Not only did my father-in-law pass away, but I battled a pesky infection and fever in the closing days of the month. Thankfully, though, our strength, faith, and support from loved ones got us through it. The arrival of a new month allows us to press the proverbial reset button and start fresh. It gives us the ability to approach goals -- ones that may have seemed impossible to achieve last week -- with a sense of renewed optimism. It's like cleansing or purging ourselves of festering negativity and doubt. Whether you're aiming to lose weight, g...