How To Understand People

Whether it's a meddlesome neighbor, snoopy coworker, or intrusive relative, we all know someone who can't seem to mind his or her business. Nosy people are everywhere. The question is: Why are people this way? Many people find their lives are relatively uneventful, and so they like to pry into the affairs of others. Further, others do it as a way of assessing how fulfilling or exciting their own lives are by comparison. I've come across a host of people -- particularly coworkers -- who love asking about my life, but volunteer very little information on theirs. In such situations, you have two options: either change the subject as if to suggest that you'd rather not disclose those details, or ask the same questions of the other person in kind. I find it hypocritical for people to go fishing for information on others while staying mum about their personal lives. Those who do this ought to find better things to do with their time!

As the world becomes more and more technologically advanced, it seems many people have only become lazier. A self-admitted history nerd, I always wonder what people did in, say, the 1800s for leisure and entertainment. It seems they made a pastime of reading books and writing letters to each other, among other activities. In this age of social media, texting, and email, how many people nowadays still write letters to each other by hand? Whereas I am a voracious reader, most of my friends wouldn't be caught dead with a book in hand. Instead, they seem to be glued to their trusty TVs, Netflix and Amazon Prime being all the rage these days. Writing letters and reading books are, in most people's minds, the kinds of activities you have to seek out and feel inspired to do -- which at the end of the day can use up more of their mental resources (or so they feel). On the other hand, TV programming comes at you -- you need not do much other than grab the remote control and su...

There's a raging debate as to whether men and women can have platonic relationships. Some people respond with an adamant no, claiming that members of the opposite sex use "friendship" to mask hidden feelings of attraction toward one another. Others vehemently assert that, yes, men and women can in fact maintain a friendly bond without there being any romantic strings attached. I'm in the latter camp, and here's why: I am friends with a wide range of women whom I hold absolutely no romantic feelings for. Though looks certainly aren't everything, physical attraction plays a role in the early stages of courtship. Many of these female friends have radiant personalities that many men would indeed be drawn to; however, they're just not my type physically. Or, it could be the other way around. I may find her physically attractive, but we're simply too far apart when it comes to hobbies, priorities, or overall lifestyles. I think it's simply ab...

We all know at least one person (and it could be ourselves) who is prone to frivolous spending. He or she forks over hundreds of dollars during each visit to a mall or restaurant, adding to an already massive heap of credit card debt. What's worse, the person makes a habit of asking friends or relatives for money. What, then, causes this seemingly uncontrollable compulsion to spend? For a lot of us, it's tied to our self-image and self-esteem. Many people depend on shopping and consumer products for a "pick-me-up" -- much like getting their afternoon coffee fix. Consumers use material possessions to enhance their image -- walking around with that Coach purse or in those Jimmy Choos can greatly boost feelings of self-worth and self-confidence. There's nothing wrong with this if done in moderation -- we all deserve to spoil ourselves every once in a while. But once wasteful spending becomes a weekly -- let alone daily -- occurrence, it creates the potential fo...

As I have alluded to in other posts, happiness is largely a matter of perspective. If you focus only on all the things you don't have or want to have, you might very well be miserable. If, rather than comparing your lifestyle to that of millionaires driving Ferraris and sporting expensive jewelry, you use the less fortunate as a basis for comparison, you'll feel more grateful for the things you do have and suddenly feel happier about your lot in life. One mistake people make is relying solely on external sources to be happy--whether it be their jobs, friends, or material possessions. I'm not saying we can't derive any happiness from these -- we all do to some degree. But in reality, happiness has to come from within. Happiness is by and large subjective. Your idea of happiness might be to go and get wasted every weekend, never get married, and ride around in a Harley. Mine may be to stay at home with my wife watching movies, writing, and reading books. My version ...

Have you noticed how some people are far more serious when conversing with just one person, but act like goofballs if a third person -- a friend, maybe -- is also involved in the banter? The reason for this is simple: We feel more vulnerable when we're alone. If a close friend happens to interject, though, we seem more at ease. All of the sudden, we feel comfortable enough to crack a joke or two and know that at least your friend will appreciate and likely laugh at it. I see this happen all the time in the workplace. For example, when around one or two of her "office buddies," my co-worker Jenna loves to bust my chops about my being too quiet in the office. But if it's just her and I, she acts like a completely different person -- a lot more sober and humorless. If none of Jenna's closest co-workers are around to hear her jokes, those she isn't as chummy with may not find them funny at all, so she'll likely refrain from telling them. So what's ...

I have found that the trick to relaxing is redirecting your thoughts. After all, stress is, in large part, mental. I know, it's easier said than done -- especially in our busy, fast-paced lives. But all you need to do is take a few minutes each day to mentally disconnect from what you're doing and focus on those things that bring a smile to your face. Maybe it's your pet, your faith, your garden, a small business you're running on the side, or even a charity. In my case, I am an animal lover, so looking at pictures or videos of kittens does wonders on my mood. I don't have a pet as we speak, but glancing at those fur balls makes me look forward to the day I'll have one I can call my own. I also seem to feel better when or after listening to relaxing music, especially R&B. You'd be surprised at just how effective redirecting your thoughts can really be, even if you do it only once or twice a day.  Try it!

When it comes to our jobs, we all gripe about something -- whether it's the salary and benefits, obnoxious boss, nosy coworkers, or endless red tape. In my case, I tend to grumble about things that are outside my control, such as: Having to work late hours Having to attend boring meetings or events Not being able to use creativity on the job Needing to get 3 sign-offs to do practically anything Once we're at wits end, we resolve to find a different job -- one that offers the promise of a better tomorrow. And in our unbridled optimism we presume that the new job will entail working conditions and responsibilities that are more to our liking. That might very well be the case, but it's critical you do your homework and ask questions during the interview. For example, if you are dead set against traveling for your job, be sure to ask if your job requires any travel. You don't want to get a rude awakening one month into the job and find out you'll have to ...

It isn't always easy to comprehend why some people -- whether it's a friend, partner, or family member -- are prone to aloofness. You know, that friend or relative who you hear from occasionally but are unable to communicate with as regularly as you'd hope. It can often be attributed to two things: 1. Genuinely busy -- Between two jobs, work, and kids, the person has hardly enough time even for himself. Under such constraints, it's difficult to keep in touch on a consistent basis. 2. Making excuses -- Maybe the person could find better ways to budget his time so he can speak with you more often, but doesn't find it worthwhile to expend the effort. If that's the case, it raises an interesting question: Why bother keeping that person in your life in the first place? It's possible he is not deliberately avoiding you, only that life gets in the way. If you feel you've been put on the back burner, speak to him about it -- perhaps her reasons for being...

Over the years, I've had countless men come to me seeking advice on how best to court women. There always seems to a common thread: They shower the women with gifts and compliments, but it yields little more than a "thank you" and -- if they're lucky -- a peck on the cheek. Men, listen carefully. Stop what you're doing right now and sear this in your mind immediately: Women are GREAT at reading men, whereas we're flat-out lousy at picking up on the fairer sex's signals. (And you know it's true, guys. Don't deny it.) It's as though they have a special radar with which they can pin down a guy's motivations -- sometimes within seconds. Women are masters of subtlety, where men are terrible when it comes to keeping their feelings under wraps. Men have to grasp once and for all that you can't buy a woman's affections. There's nothing wrong with giving gifts and compliments -- but, for goodness sake, do it sporadically. Why complet...

We see it with every new iPhone that hits the market: People making lines days if not weeks in advance of the product's launch. We see people scouring stores for the "best" brands, whether it be Michael Kors, Marc Jacobs, or Coach. Where did this frenzy for the latest and greatest stuff come from? People are replacing their perfectly functional phones once a year,  if not sooner. They're swapping clothing bought two or three years ago for newer garments like it's nobody's business. This illustrates one key fact: Advertising/marketing is alive and well. The promotional landscape has been altered tremendously by the advent of social media. From product recommendations to banner ads, exposure to content shared by friends and companies alike on sites like Facebook exerts an immense influence on our purchase decisions. That's not to say that traditional media like TV and radio are no longer effective, but what makes online marketing so potent is that it...

We all have friends who love disclosing on Facebook virtually everything that pops to mind. From pictures of their lunch to videos of them doing silly things, people are using the social networking site to fill people in on their daily goings-on. Facebook has removed the need to call people on the phone and wish them a Happy Birthday, to mail people pictures of our kids, or to show up at people's houses to tell them about promotions or engagements. Facebook lets us do it all at the click of a button. Now, there isn't anything inherently wrong with this. But some people go a step too far by boasting of every fancy restaurant they go to and every vacation trip they go on. Why must people post such pics in real time and not just wait until they're back home to do so? Sometimes this screams "Haha...I'm here and you're not. Sucks for you." I think some people do this to overcompensate for something lacking in their lives. Some also try to paint a rosier pic...

Throughout my entire life, I have always been a relatively quiet guy -- the type who lets work and writing do the "talking" for him. I tend to observe and gather my thoughts before stepping in. I don't usually open my mouth unless I have something meaningful to say. I avoid small talk like the plague. These are the well-documented hallmarks of an introvert. Though I have always found comfort in my introspective ways, this certainly hasn't sat well with some people I've come across at school and in the workplace. In middle and high school, I had several peers (and even some teachers) question why I was so quiet. My taciturn demeanor and reluctance to speak up, unfortunately, made me an easy target for bullies, some of whom I came very close to getting into fist fights with. It isn't as though I didn't have friends or speak to classmates; I simply kept a low profile and minded my own business. I've encountered the same issue at work -- that is, peo...

Lately I find myself reminiscing a lot about the past. I have been combing the internet for radio clips transmitted and recorded by my favorite radio station over 15 years ago. I have also reflected upon old friendships and memorable occasions (birthday parties, graduations, etc.) that have left an indelible imprint on my life. You're probably wondering why in the world I would be searching for those radio clips. Well, one of the great things about music is that, like pictures, it takes you down memory lane and allows you to reflect upon what your life was like at the time -- who your friends were, which restaurants and movie theaters you frequented (and whether those venues are still in business today), how you dressed, and what your interests were. Going back to the title of this post, reflecting is healthful so long as it is done in moderation and not through rose-colored glasses. Nostalgia makes us think of happier moments in the past, but we tend to block out the less plea...

Between work, kids, and other responsibilities, human beings need a break from the humdrum of everyday life. Unfortunately, most of us don't have the wherewithal to set off on a cruise to the Bahamas every time boredom strikes. So what is one to do to break the tedium? That's when we resort to "mental" escapism in the form of: Reading novels Watching movies or soap operas Playing video games Writing stories And so on. I advise everyone to make the effort to carve out time in their busy schedules to engage in these activities. You don't have to be a movie buff or a bibliophile to enjoy a flick at the local theater or thumb through the pages of a good book or magazine.  The stresses of daily life can weigh on us and leave us feeling drained sometimes-- whether physically or emotionally. Mentally retreating into a different world -- be it one conceived by James Cameron, Nicholas Sparks, or yourself -- allows us to cast our worries aside at least ...

Selfish people are only out for themselves -- and boy, are they aplenty out there. We know at least one or two people-- whether at school, work, or even in our family -- who only seem to remember we exist when they're in need of a favor from us. Unfortunately, even those we consider close friends can at times show streaks of selfishness. I seldom receive calls from close friends without their squeezing in a small request at some point in the conversation. It's possible we may find ourselves doing the same on occasion. We mustn't forget that friendships and relationships are a two-way street. People sometimes get so caught up in their own lives that they never give someone a call for purely unselfish reasons -- just to say hi and see how she's doing. If you become just a means to an end in someone's life, a serious conversation with the person is in order. If, after venting your frustrations, the behavior persists, you ought to think very strongly about severin...

"Relationship Tips and Relationship Advice" is now " How to Understand People. " I decided to rename the blog " How to Understand People ," a name that I feel better captures what the purpose of this really site is: To explore the reasons why we and those around us behave in certain ways. We know human behavior largely depends on context and various situational factors, which we'll explore in detail here. Yes, the blog will continue to provide handy relationship tips and advice, but I feel the new name broadens the scope of the site to include such fascinating topics as nonverbal communication, positive signs being displayed by potential suitors on dates and would-be supervisors during job interviews, and much more. We will touch on a wide array of subjects that fall under different branches in the field of psychology, such as: Consumer psychology Social psychology Personality psychology Relationship psychology Organizational psychology An...

We all get them: Negative thoughts that pervade our mind, make us feel depressed, and end up ruining our day. But I've got a little mental trick for instantly converting that negative thought into a positive one. Let's say you're dreading going to work tomorrow because it'll be Wednesday. Instead of thinking "geez, Friday is still 2 days away," why not think "Hey, at least it's not Monday"? Or let's assume you detest having to go to meetings, especially ones that are off site. If you have to go to one that's, say, two hours away from your corporate offices, before you begin to grumble, just tell yourself the following: "Hey, at least I don't have to fly to another state and be away from my family; I can be back home tonight." And here's another example: Before you complain about having to eat the same food, sleep in the same bed every night, or drive the same car to work every day, remind yourself there are peopl...

To me, intelligence is one of the most attractive qualities you can find in a person; it's up there with humility, honesty, and trustworthiness. I love it when someone has enough knowledge on a given topic to debate or challenge me on it -- whether it be politics, history, science, or real estate. I've seen nascent friendships and relationships die quickly because one or both people realize they are intellectually incompatible. Or, due to changing life circumstances or shifting interests and priorities, someone no longer cares to discuss Shakespeare or the likely victor of the upcoming election. I think the richest and most fulfilling relationships are those in which both people are on the same page intellectually. It doesn't mean you both have to like the exact same things, but it's nice to be with someone who can at least hold his or her own in deep, cerebral conversations.

From time to time , we like to surprise that special someone with an unexpected gift -- whether it be a stuffed animal, candy, or a piece of jewelry. When this is done spontaneously -- and in small doses -- it can be beneficial to the relationship. But when done in excess, like everything else in life, it can get boring, if not downright irritating. Don't feel as though you must buy your partner's affection by showering her with gifts. If she really cares about you, time spent together should be the best gift she can ask for. It's only human nature to take advantage of someone who puts you on a pedestal. If you're the one on the receiving end, guard against the urge to exploit your partner's kind, giving nature. Have you ever found yourself giving gifts in order to win the approval or affections of someone else?

How many times have you purchased one or more products-- but only because you were getting what you thought was a good deal? We've all been there. Buy one, get one free. Buy one, get the second one half off. Many of us are coupon clippers. Some of us take it to an extreme and make coupon clipping a lifestyle-- thus the reason they've made shows that document the craze. Psychologically, it feels good when we think we're snagging a deal, even if we didn't intend on buying the product in the first place. But consumers should guard against the impulse to buy stuff they may not necessarily need. If you have coupons that afford you great discounts at a restaurant you often frequent, then it makes perfect sense. But if you're buying stuff just for the sake of "getting a deal," it will eventually add up. In other words, why use 2-for-1 coupons to buy Frosted Flakes if it's a cereal you don't particularly like? I am of the opinion it's bette...

How many times have you confided in someone, only to discover they've betrayed your trust? Whether it's a coworker in the workplace or someone who professes to be your "friend," be wary of those around you who may have ulterior motives. It is becoming harder and harder to meet genuinely good people these days, but it's certainly not impossible. I think good people still exist out there, but the reality is that it takes time for someone's true colors to come out. Don't be too quick to call someone a friend. If you feel you need more time to get to know someone than you initially anticipated, that's fine. Your trust should not be handed over so easily!