How To Understand People

They say people always want what they can't have. But there are times when not getting what we want can wind up being a blessing in disguise. For example, I've gotten turned down for jobs, only to learn a year or so later that the company went out of business. I've also been dumped or rejected by women who have gone on to cheat on their husbands or had kids at a very young age, with the father no longer in the picture. It can be very upsetting when we are unable to get what we want, prompting us to question why such things happen to good people. But little do we know that an even better opportunity lies in the horizon. Once it arrives, we breath a sigh of relief at knowing that the first one fell through. Such a scenario played out a few years ago while my wife and I went condo hunting. We couldn't get financing for the first property we made an offer for because the high number of delinquent owners at the property made our bank flinch. At the time, we were ...

The word of the day is perspicacious. I first heard the word used by Bill O'Reilly as he was interviewing then-Senator Barack Obama on the Fox News Channel a month or two prior to the 2008 presidential election. O'Reilly commended Obama on being perspicacious in his "original assessment of the battlefield" in Iraq. Perspicacious means "having a ready insight to and understanding of things." Synonyms include discerning, shrewd, perceptive, astute, sharp, clear-sighted, insightful, and discriminating. From what I've seen, the word isn't used often, but it is a handy one to have nonetheless in case you want something in lieu of "insightful" or "sharp," which tend to come up more in daily conversation. Had you ever heard of or used the word perspicacious before?

On this day in 1917, in a pivotal move toward U.S. entry into World War I, President Woodrow Wilson is apprised of the so-called Zimmermann Telegram, a message from German Foreign Secretary Arthur Zimmermann to the German ambassador to Mexico proposing a Mexican-German alliance in case of a war between the U.S. and Germany. British authorities handed Walter Hines Page, the U.S. ambassador to Britain, a copy of the Zimmermann Telegram, a coded message from Zimmermann to Count Johann von Bernstorff, the German ambassador to Mexico. In the telegram, intercepted and deciphered by British intelligence in late January, Zimmermann instructed his ambassador, in the event of a German war with the United States, to offer significant financial aid to Mexico if it agreed to enter the conflict on the Germans' side. Germany also pledged to restore to Mexico the lost territories of Arizona, Texas, and New Mexico. The State Department quickly sent a copy of the Zimmermann Telegram to Preside...

Don't waste your time, energy, and brain cells on people who simply aren't worth it. Who cares that Sally from high school makes more money than you? Or that a neighbor you hardly even know has a better car? Or that several people you have on Facebook -- whom you barely ever speak to -- travel to Walt Disney World five times a year? It's really a shame that, for so many people, life has become little more than a competition to best their peers. They can't help but assess how well they're doing in life by comparing themselves to other people -- people that may have completely different goals, interests, values, and personalities altogether. As I've noted in prior posts, sites like Facebook can bring out the worst in some people. It has evolved into a breeding ground for narcissism unlike anything I've seen before. Selfies, gloating about eating at the hottest restaurant in town, pictures galore while on vacation in the Bahamas. It's become more abou...

Many people -- myself included -- let life get them down sometimes. We fret over the fact that life never quite seems perfect -- there's always a problem to be resolved, an issue to be addressed. Here's the reality: Life was never perfect before, it won't be perfect today, and it won't be so in the future either. We can do things to put our ducks in a row as best as we can, but we can't just sweep everything under a rug and go about our business. It doesn't work that way. As counterintuitive as this may sound, it's a good thing that life presents a steady stream of challenges. It keeps us on our toes and striving to better ourselves. Can you imagine a life completely devoid of worries or goals? We'd have nothing to look forward to if things remained the same day in and day out. Of course, you want to minimize the stress in your life and not allow problems to tailspin into crises. But you shouldn't feel despondent over the fact that your l...

Many people make the grave mistake of saying "I love you" just a couple of weeks into their relationship. In my view, you can't really love a person that early in the game. You're merely getting to know each other at this juncture. Six months to a year makes more sense. At this point, you likely have a better sense as to the person's flaws, how strong your chemistry is, and whether the relationship is built to survive the honeymoon stage. If the "l" word is thrown around prematurely, it could signal to the other person that you have an ulterior motive in mind, whether it's to get in their pants or simply have someone around following a tough breakup. Telling someone you love them is a huge thing -- probably the most significant event in a relationship after being proposed to. Don't rush into it. Don't tell someone you love them until you feel you're ready.

It sure is. We all miss the butterflies in our stomach -- the sheer excitement of having someone new in our life. Maybe your partner did little things that filled you with immense joy, like deliver flowers to your job or leave love notes in your wallet. Once the relationship begins to mature, these things tend to happen less often. As you transition from happy couple to married couple to parents, it becomes less about passionate love and more about companionship. Going from seeing each other once or twice a week to living with one another changes the dynamics of a relationship tremendously. Whereas before you waited for your weekly date with bated breath, now you've fallen into a routine of seeing your partner every day. Sometimes I miss the early days in my relationship, when I looked forward to seeing my now-wife with great anticipation. Everything felt new and exciting. We were getting to know each other. Our future together seemed promising. Now that we've been ...

Can you guess the one thing no one can take from you? If you said learning , knowledge , or education , you've hit the nail on the head. People can break into your house and steal your jewelry. They can snoop through your drawers at work and snag the million dollar idea you wrote on a post-it note. But no one can magically teleport into your brain and pilfer your knowledge. What's in the mind stays in the mind. That's why we should all aim to nourish our minds with as much information as we possibly can. The more we learn, the more we enrich ourselves. Human beings have a tendency to want to conserve their mental resources wherever possible. But thinking critically keeps the brain sharp, whether we're playing Scrabble or dreaming up ways to get a new business off the ground. Leonardo da Vinci once said, "Learning is the only thing the mind never exhausts, never fears, and never regrets." Fortunately, you're never too young or too old to lea...

I've stressed in several blog posts that a relationship devoid of trust and communication is destined to fail. Can you guess what a relationship should NOT have if it is to have any chance at success? The answer is selfishness. You know you're ready for a relationship when you're willing to put someone else's needs and cares before yours. This doesn't mean you have to do away with everything you care about. (If your partner imposes this on you, you're with the wrong person.) Instead, you should be willing to share your time and energies with your partner, taking into account what they want to do, what they want to eat, where they want to go. The TV isn't just yours anymore, and neither is your money. When it comes to relationships, sharing is caring. There is no place for selfishness in a relationship. You shouldn't get to watch baseball every night like you did when you were single, and she shouldn't hog it for herself to see maratho...

Guess what? You are not going to have a good week. You're going to have a great one ! Forget about all the things that went wrong over the last seven days. This new week offers the chance to press the reset button and start over. Seven days to resolve problems. Seven days to work toward your goals. Seven days to find pleasure in great meals, new experiences, and fresh interactions with your friends and loved ones. Whatever you do, do not focus on the negative. Instead, try to be more optimistic. Believe you can accomplish those goals. Believe you will get through those storms. Believe you will emerge a stronger, wiser person at the end of this coming week than a week ago. You can only achieve such outcomes by believing in yourself and opening yourself up to new opportunities. Don't be afraid of being ambitious. Don't be afraid of taking risks. Don't be reluctant to go against the grain. This is your life to live. Make every day worth it. You're capable ...

Many people know that Aaron Burr killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel, but do you know that he was arrested on this day in 1807 on charges of plotting to annex Spanish territory in Louisiana and Mexico to be used toward the establishment of an independent republic? Indeed, Burr traveled to New Orleans after finishing his term as Thomas Jefferson's vice president (1801-1805) and met with U.S. General James Wilkinson, who was an agent for the Spanish. Details on what the two plotted is unknown, but historians speculate it may have included the establishment of an independent republic in the American Southwest or the seizure of territory in Spanish America for the same purpose. In the fall of 1806, Burr led a group of well-armed colonists toward New Orleans, leading to an immediate investigation by U.S. authorities. General Wilkinson got cold feet and decided to turn against Burr, sending dispatches to Washington accusing the former vice president of treason. On February 19, 1807...

If I asked you what the definition of the word "ape" is, you'd likely say it's a large primate like a gorilla or orangutan. But do you know what "ape" means as a verb? I came cross the word in the book I'm currently reading, Alexander Hamilton , where the author states that, despite having gained their independence from the mother country, many Americans were still "aping" the customs of the British even toward the end of the 18th century. Before that, I hadn't seen the word used in a similar context since my college days. Per my trusty dictionary, it means to imitate the behavior or manner of someone or something, often in an absurd or unthinking way. Synonyms for ape include mimic, copy, parrot, and parody. Did you know the definition for "ape" before reading this post?

Many assume that if someone is alone, time must sit still -- that within a matter of minutes, he or she is probably bored out of his mind and itching to do something to make the clock move a little faster. Well, while this may be true for some, it certainly doesn't apply to those who actually relish their time alone. Why? Because if the person is alone, there's a high probability they're introverted and enjoy their own company. If that's so, there's no reason to think they'd want time to fly. Being introverted doesn't mean you're shy, antisocial, or snobbish. It means you draw energy inward. Peace, quiet, and solitude recharge you. You enjoy being deep in thought. Heavy social interaction leaves you exhausted. In reality, introverts have such rich imaginations that they can momentarily escape reality and live comfortably in their heads when the urge strikes. From debating the merits of climate change to picturing what life was like in the...

Whether you're striving to fulfill a long-held dream or resolve a vexing problem, I'm here to tell you one thing: you can do it. There's really no way around it. You have no choice but to believe you're capable of doing it; otherwise, you won't get very far. Yankees great Yogi Berra once quipped, "It ain't over till it's over." What that means is that until you've thrown in the proverbial towel -- until you've given up -- you have a fighting chance at success. Instead of sitting around and serving up excuses for why you can't do something, try a different approach. With every unsuccessful attempt we gain more wisdom and experience, making us a bit more likely to triumph next time. Positive thinking attracts positive outcomes. However, success doesn't come without hard work, persistence, and sacrifice. It usually requires a serious investment of some resource -- whether time or money -- that we may not always be inclined to...

Imagine how different our lives would be if the internet didn't exist. For starters, you wouldn't be reading this right now. You would have no choice but to communicate with others by phone, via letter, or in person, as social media wouldn't be available. Chances are, you watch shows or movies via streaming services like Netflix, Amazon, or Hulu. You would instead be forced to watch them on TV or rent them through Redbox or the local video store. Imagine how many people would not be together if it weren't for Internet dating sites like Match.com or eHarmony. (I'm the perfect example of this, as I reacquainted with my now-wife, who I first met in middle school, through MySpace. You would have to make payments by mail, through the phone, or in person. You wouldn't be able to make purchases online. Instead, you'd have to hit up brick-and-mortar stores or buy your stuff through catalogs that come in the mail. It's important to note that were in...

First off, Happy Valentine's Day to all of you lovebirds who are married or in relationships. Whether you wanted stuffed animals or kisses (of the romantic or chocolate variety), I hope your honey has succeeded at expressing how much you mean to them today, though that should really happen daily. For those of you flying solo this Valentine's Day, there could be many reasons why this is the case. Perhaps you're not interested in a relationship right now. Maybe you just got out of one recently and wish to spend the next few months having fun with friends. If it just so happens that you're a little blue about being single, don't despair. The right person is out there -- you just have to be patient. At the same time, you need to do your part. Get out there and attend social functions where you can meet people. See if there are any dating sites to your liking. Ask friends and family whether they might know any prospects. They say life happens when you're ...

I know how tempting comparing our life to that of a friend, co-worker, or neighbor can be. He has a BMW and I don't. She has a Louis Vuitton purse, but I don't. They have beautiful children, but we don't have any. If you're constantly comparing your life to others', you'll never be truly happy. Why? Chances are, there will always be something someone has that you don't. I've talked in other posts about how people's need for approval can prompt them to act, dress, and live like their peers, even if it isn't what they really want to do. It doesn't matter whether they incur loads of debt or go against their core values as a result. Some people cannot resist the urge to keep up with those Joneses. The pressure to conform to societal norms is alive and real. But no one says you have to succumb to it. Do things -- whether it's buy a fancy car, dress in a certain style of clothes, or have children -- because you want to, not ...

Many of us feel pressured to be the best at everything we do, whether in our personal or professional lives.  At work, you may feel as though you have to be a jack of all trades and master of them all, from creating complex spreadsheets to possessing the leadership skills to guide your subordinates. In your aerobics or karate class, you might be hard on yourself because you're not progressing as quickly as your peers. And at home, perhaps you're disappointed that you're not as great at cooking or handiwork as you thought. I'm here to tell you one thing: No one is perfect. It takes time to become very good at something, and given the fact that we're so strapped for time, we may never become as good at everything as we'd like. Unfortunately, far too many of us are reluctant to ask for help. We try to figure everything out on our own, only to get frustrated when we're not getting the results we want.  Even experts at their craft had to start som...

I made an appointment yesterday to get a haircut at my local barbershop. One of the reasons I switched from my old barbershop to this one was because I grew tired of having to wait 30 or more minutes for my turn despite my making an apppointment. Since making the switch about 8 months ago, I never had to wait more than 5 minutes to be attended. That all changed last night. Whether it was the fact that Valentine's Day is a couple of days away, or it just so happens that many people showed up at the same time on the same night, I had to wait close to an hour to be tended to. (Another woman made an appointment to get her hair dyed at 6:30, the same time I scheduled my appointment for.) I'm willing to look past this annoying incident given that, up until now, the place has never disappointed me. However, if this begins to happen more frequently, I won't be a happy camper. I spend so much time stuck in traffic each day (an hour to work and another hour going hom...

Have you ever met a person who possesses enough charm and wit to win someone over in a matter of seconds? It can be anyone from the affable car salesman at the local dealer to a gregarious classmate to the amicable hiring manager you meet with for a job interview. Many people with sharp people skills are quick to employ them in order to get something they want, whether it's a sale or date. In psychology, the mere exposure effect is a phenomenon whereby people tend to develop a preference for something merely because they are familiar with them. In other words, familiarity breeds likeability. That's why, contrary to popular belief, things like follow-up calls and thank you letters can have a powerful effect so long as the individual made a great first impression. What's more, they will do little things to further build rapport, from pretending to agree with you on a wide range of issues (when deep down they diverge with you on many of them) to making it seem they...

Trends. Fads. People wanting to do what everyone else is doing because it's the "it" thing. Whether it's dressing a certain way, decorating one's home in a popular style, or buying a particular product everyone and his brother seems to own, trends can spread like wildfire quickly. But I see trends as overrated. I equate them with the so-called herd mentality, where people are driven to shadow their peers in their choices -- just so they can fit in. I'm not like most people, which is why I don't subscribe to the herd mentality. I'm big on uniqueness and doing whatever you -- not the rest of society -- think is cool, however socially unacceptable it may be. Most people probably don't place me on their "coolest people I know" list. Why? Because I'm not materialistic, I don't drink, and I'm a huge psychology and history geek. Probably not most people's idea of fun. Regardless, I take pride in bucking trends r...

You shouldn't support a friend's every decision -- not when it involves their engaging in self-destructive behavior. That can range from doing drugs or stealing to cutting themselves. They say friends back each other up through thick and thin, but "backing up" doesn't mean endorsing the person's behavior if they're a danger to themselves or others. In such cases, you should get them the help they need to abandon such habits -- from family, other friends, neighbors, colleagues, a therapist, and so forth. By keeping your mouth shut and allowing your friend to continue such acts, you're enabling them. It makes you an accomplice who's every bit as guilty as your friend, even if you're not engaging in the same behavior. If you know they're doing things that can get them in serious trouble with the law and/or harm their well-being, try to convince them to stop. If that doesn't work, get the person's loved ones involved. When no ...

Here's a quick dating tip for the fellas: If you assume that you'll win over a woman by merely being nice and sweet to her, you're wrong. If you think that showering her with gifts and affection is all it'll take, your thinking is misguided. Rather, wooing a woman involves a combination of these things, plus many more. Earning her respect is critical, and you do so by having or striving for a good job; treating your family, friends, and peers well; being hard-working and intelligent; and exuding honesty and integrity. Being sweet and romantic should be part of the overall package, but it is hardly enough. All the flowers, chocolates, and cutesy notes in the world can never compensate for highly undesirable qualities like irrepressible anger, a slovenly appearance, and chronic dishonesty. Above all, if a woman doesn't feel she can trust a man, there's simply no hope for a relationship.

I recently saw a graphic posted on Facebook with the following one-liner: "Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went." I found it cleverly drives home the point that many people have become far too lazy to check their IMs and text messages for punctuation and grammar before sending them off. We all have at least one friend or relative who does this, and maybe we're guilty of it ourselves at times. As a writer/editor/proofreader by trade, my writing is usually impeccable. If I happen to notice a misspelling on my part after the text was sent, I'm quick to write the word correctly with an asterisk next to it, letting the recipient know it was done accidentally. I realize that this is to be expected from someone who writes for a living, and that others may not be such sticklers for grammar and spelling when having casual conversations with friends and family. But I just can't help it when people are too sloppy, peppering the conversation w...