How To Understand People

People who think they're right all the time and above others are a drain on our time and energy. There's something to be said for humility, which the dictionary defines as "freedom from pride or arrogance." In a world of people jockeying for power and prestige, those who own up to their mistakes and admit that they don't have all the answers are a breath of fresh air. Those who apologize, even when it kills them to do so, command others' respect. Indeed, individuals who try to project perfection are clearly showing they are anything but perfect, because all human beings are fallible. It just makes it that much worse when a person is in full denial about it. We may come across people like this in a variety of places. Maybe it's the know-it-all at work, the cocky weight trainer at the gym, or that immature cousin of ours who never acknowledges fault. Unless one is willing to get off his or her high horse and swallow that pride, they will continua...

Have you ever stopped and considered how illogical attraction can be? Let me give you an example by taking you down memory lane. Remember back when you were in elementary, middle, or high school and there always seemed to be one particular guy or girl whom everyone seemed to like? Don't get me wrong: It makes sense why they would have many admirers. They tended to be good looking and popular (probably on the cheerleading squad or football team) and had tons of friends. Chances are they became prom king/queen. Maybe even you jumped on the bandwagon and counted yourself among the lovestruck. What I've always wondered is: Did all of those kids really like the student in question, or did they just express interest them because everyone else did? I can honestly say that I "fell" for the girl all the guys liked, and it was in middle school. Once the dust had settled, I realized that I didn't have feelings for the girl after all. I had just fallen for a...

Never let anyone else decide what makes you happy. That's a unilateral decision only YOU can make! They may assume that just because they think a certain way about something -- either because they were brought up that way or developed firm convictions over time -- you will (or should) feel the same way. You have the power to be as happy as you decide to be. Why? Because happiness is an inside job. It doesn't come from our jobs, our relationships, our partner, or our hobbies. While those aspects can certainly enhance our lives, we can have them and still feel miserable. (Example: Filthy rich celebrities who struggle with depression.) As long as what makes you happy isn't damaging to yourself or those around you, indulge in your hobbies and passions as you please. If others insist you'll be happier in a different career, in a different relationship, or in a different city, you be the judge of that. Where do people get off assuming they know you better ...

We've all heard the axiom, "True beauty comes from within." And I agree wholeheartedly, which is why I've used it in several of my posts. But, in my view, those who say looks don't matter at all are flat-out kidding themselves. Yes, looks should never be the thrust of any relationship. The glue that holds two people together is a deep, emotional connection. But the fact of the matter is that, for better or worse, the first thing our eyes go to is one's physical appearance. Allow me to pose a few pointed questions: Would you want to date someone who weighs 700 pounds? Would you hire the job candidate who shows up to the job interview unshaven and in bedraggled clothing? Would you set your daughter up with a kid sporting a shirt that says, "I'm your next one night stand"? If you answered "no" to any of the above, you care about looks and first impressions to a certain degree. The truth is that we all do, even if some of u...

From our choice of partner to the job through which we earn a living, life entails making a slew of decisions -- many of them carrying tremendous weight -- in a world of seemingly endless possibilities. While, in retrospect, we wish we would have done certain certain things differently, all we can do is learn from our mistakes and use them as stepping stones for growth. Here are two valuable tips for making better decisions. 1. Consider the pros and cons. Whether you're buying a car or considering breaking up with your girlfriend of two years, weigh the positives and negatives carefully. I'm not talking about, say, deciding what you'll have for dinner tonight. I speak of those choices that can have life-altering implications. For example, you might be getting much more bells and whistles with a Nissan Maxima rather than a Honda Civic, but it'll come at a heftier price -- one that can put a major dent in your savings. And maybe you've been wondering lat...

Have you ever stayed in a relationship a lot longer than you should have? While hindsight is always instructive, many people would admit that they began seeing the red flags early on, but decided to turn a blind eye. But why would people do this? As I've noted in prior entries, people could do it for a variety of reasons, including: The fear of being alone They have a long history with the person There are kids in the picture Financial dependency A low self-esteem Fear of change/a reluctance to start anew  Beyond that , they think their partner has the potential to be a better person. This brings me to two mistakes I've touched upon in earlier posts that people with their heart in the right place tend to make: 1. They set their expectations of the other person too high. 2. They set out to help "change" or "save" them. The higher you set your expectations of other people, the greater the chances of being disappointed.  As ...

Many people wish they had better things to say about their love life. Unfortunately, it's been marred by everything from cheating exes to dates who misrepresented themselves online. You would think that they've simply been unlucky -- that is, until these telling words come out of their mouths: "I've just had just a hard time finding the perfect person." See, therein lies the problem. It's not really about being plagued by misfortune. It's the fact that the person is after something that doesn't exist in relationships: perfection. If a person intends to wait until they find that "perfect" man or woman, then they'll be waiting until they die. That means they're willing to subject themselves to a life of unmet expectations and disappointments -- all in the vain hope that a flawless partner will eventually surface. In a real relationship, two imperfect people accept one another for who they are -- aggravating flaws and o...

In order to ensure a long-lasting relationship, it's imperative that both people let their true selves come out from day one. Imagine your partner falling in love with a phony version of yourself you've been projecting just to impress them, whether it be a filthy rich playboy or bookish intellectual. Now picture yourself being head over heels for someone who's been dishonest about their personality, life goals, and hobbies. This seemingly wonderful person whom you thought you knew so well is more like a stranger. Wouldn't you want them drawn to the most authentic version of you? Otherwise, the other person will be with you for who they think you are, which could be an entirely different person. One's true colors come out sooner or later. Putting on a facade might help you in the short-term (e.g., you appear more confident or spontaneous), but eventually the real you will be thrown into sharp relief, and the other person may not be keen on sticking around -...

We've all been there: We tell someone we're drawn to them romantically, but it turns out they don't feel the same way. If someone isn't interested in a relationship with you, it can be pretty upsetting, especially if you've imagined hooking up with them for quite some time. Once you know the feelings aren't mutual, what should you do? Below are a couple of suggestions for dealing with rejection. (Note that many of these tips also work in the event that someone breaks up with you.) 1. Don't beg for another chance. If they've told or shown you they're not interested -- whether it's because they are taken, wish to remain single, or see you only as a friend, the worst thing you can do is press the issue further. This can be viewed as stalking or harassment, and the last thing you want is to ruffle the feathers of his or her partner, family or friends -- let alone get in trouble with the law. 2. Don't mope around at home or elsewhere...

If you've ever been cheated on, it can feel like being hit by a freight train. Cheating represents the ultimate betrayal of one's trust. You give someone your heart, only to see it crushed by your partner's selfish, deplorable act. Cheaters can try to justify their behavior in a million ways, even though nothing in the world could excuse their infidelity. They might pin the blame on: Problems within their relationship  Heavy drinking Stress at work The other person ("they seduced me") Other factors they claim to have been out of control Yet, one of the key reasons people cheat in the first place is because they feel they won't get caught.  They tell themselves that they'll keep it to themselves, rationalizing that what their partner doesn't know can't hurt them. They get away scot free, and their partner carries on thinking they've both been completely faithful.  It's a win-win!  No, I'll tell you what it i...

How do you know if someone you hold in high esteem really feels the same way about you? What's a surefire way to tell whether they're in for the long haul, or if they'll disappear when least expected? Let them see you at your worst -- with health issues, money woes, and problems at home or work. Allow them to see you racked with self-doubt, anxiety, or depression. If, despite all this, they choose to stand by you, then you know they genuinely care about you. Those who bolt at the first sign of hardship aren't true friends or loving partners. They're likely in the relationship for selfish reasons, though they might try to create the opposite impression. Obviously, we should never take on the role of savior for anyone, as they're responsible for solving their problems on their own. Still, if we truly value the individual, what kind of a friend or partner would we be to abandon them in their time of greatest need? At the same time, those who only ...

The best way to get back at someone is not by inflicting harm on them -- whether physical, mental, or emotional pain. It's not by wishing that something bad were to happen to them. It's not by stealing from, cheating on, lying to, or publicly embarrassing them. All of these methods are cold, calculated, utterly pointless and, quite frankly, callow. Two wrongs don't make a right. By seeking retribution, you stoop to the other person's level. The best way to get back at someone is by demonstrating to them that your life is richer and more fulfilling without them in it.  In other words, you show that making the most of your life -- by indulging your hobbies and spending time with people you love -- doesn't have to involve him or her. Whether the person dumped you, cheated on you, stabbed you in the back, or did something else to betray your trust, rest assured that someday, somebody will do the same to them. It is then they'll realize how you must h...

If you had a choice between being reviled for who you are, or valued for who you're not, which one would you be? Sadly, many people would go with the latter because they're under the misguided impression that we need others' approval in order to feel whole. So they go so far as to take on others' beliefs even if they don't agree with them, and others' interests despite not being drawn to them in the slightest -- all to get in their good graces and feel accepted. But here's the thing: If you feel you have to go to such lengths to cultivate a good relationship with someone, you're in the wrong company. While there's nothing wrong with being flexible on some fronts (e.g., trying out new foods, exploring new activities), if you find yourself fundamentally trying to change the very essence of your character and personality to appease others, something is not right. Never try to be someone you're not just to impress people who, at the end o...

Sometimes people confuse envy  with jealousy , using them interchangeably as if they shared the same definition. But their meanings are in fact slightly different. Envy is wanting something that someone has that you perceive as lacking or absent in your life. Jealousy  is being afraid to lose something that is already yours. If you have a burning desire to have your co-worker or boss's job -- especially if you've been passed over for it in the past -- you're likely envious of him. If you wish you could have your neighbor's car, your sister's charisma, or your gym teacher's physique, you may very well harbor some envy . On the other hand, if your blood begins to boil when you see your spouse talking to the attractive cashier at the grocery store -- whose smiles and suggestive looks leave little doubt she's being flirtatious -- you're jealous.  In other words, envy involves comparing oneself to someone else and begrudging the fact that we...

If I asked you what's the one goal we should aim for in order to ensure a decent life for ourselves, what would you say? While the answers may vary, I would argue that it's moderation more than anything else. Moderation  in our relationships, in our eating habits, in our work and exercise regimen, and so forth. The dictionary defines moderation as the avoidance of excess or extremes, especially in one's behavior or political opinions. Synonyms of moderation include self-restraint, self-discipline, and temperance. In other words, to be moderate is to achieve that happy medium between too little and too much. So what are some examples? Not being too nice, but not being a jerk either. Not eating everything in the fridge, but not starving oneself either. Not being extremely ambitious, but not resting on one's laurels. Not being a compulsive neat freak, but not being a slob.  Not being a spendthrift, but not being parsimonious.  I know what you're...

We all have experience making a gaffe or two on a first date. Maybe we've arrived late, accidentally tripped, hesitated when asked a personal question, or inadvertently burped. While these are all unintentional slips, some people make a far more damaging mistake -- one that precludes the possibility of a second date. If there's something that can send your date running for the hills in no time, it's moving too fast.  Here are just a few examples of ways that someone can overdo it on a first date: Getting touchy Trying to plant a kiss too quickly Mentioning meeting each other's friends and parents Discussing long-term plans, like becoming exclusive and getting married People have to remember that this is a first date! Take a deep breath, relax, and enjoy yourself without getting all wrapped up in the serious stuff so soon.  You will cross that bridge once you get there, provided that the two of you are compatible and wish to continue seeing eac...

If there's something we can agree on, it's that haters lurk in our midst. Whether it's at work or in school, will always be someone who doesn't take kindly to something about us.  Maybe it's our gift for gab, our age, our impressive academic credentials, our BMW, or our ever-expanding circle of friends. And the funny thing is that some of these people secretly admire and look up to us, even though they would never admit it. But rather than worry about the jealous and envious -- whom many would regard as haters -- we should instead focus on the people who bring joy into our lives.  The ones who respect and cheer us on. The people who hold no ill will toward us.  The sad thing is that it isn't always easy to tell who likes us and who doesn't because, as pointed out in earlier entries, some people are, well, masters at faking it. And even if you know that, say, Joe your co-worker isn't your biggest fan, are you really going to ...

What would you say is the worst possible way for someone to break up with his or her partner? While we can certainly run wild with this, many of you might say it's when the breakup comes on the heels of an exposed affair. ("Yes, I'm with someone else now, so we're through.") That's undoubtedly a terrible way for a relationship to meet its demise. Cheating, after all, is a deplorable act; it is hands down the most egregious breach of trust one can carry out. But the case can also be made for ghosting. Ghosting, by definition, is the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and inexplicably withdrawing from all communication. Ending a relationship in this way is callous and dastardly, especially if both partners have been together for an extended period of time. The most appropriate way to do it is face-to-face. Breaking up with someone via text or email smacks of insensitivity, but it's still better than ceasing cont...

Whether it's a cheating spouse, a friend who takes you for granted, or a coworker who stabs you in the back whenever you're not present, no one should make excuses for another person's unsavory behavior. If the person is making a genuine effort to clean up their act, that's one thing. But if they pledge they're going to change, and yet you catch them pulling the same stunts over and over again, they're making a mockery of your compassion. At that point, you have to decide whether to continue giving them the benefit of the doubt, or calling it quits once and for all. It isn't as easy to walk when you're dealing with a coworker and you wish to keep your job. In that case, you may consider asking for a transfer or moving to a cubicle further away from the individual. You might also think twice about ending the friendship if you each have mutual friends. You may worry that he or she will talk smack to the others about you (if they haven't alr...