How To Understand People

While life isn't perfect, it is definitely what we make of it . Stop for a second and think about what that really means. How do we really make the most of our lives? Simply put, we recognize that although things won't always go our way, we refuse to let bumps in the road stop us from reaching our ultimate destination: happiness. People will disappoint us (and often such people will include ourselves). Crappy days at work are a certainty. We may run into financial and health problems here and there. And we're likely to see a venture or two fall through (e.g., launching a new business doesn't work out). But life isn't about what happens to you. It's what you do with what happens to you. In other words, we may not be able to control unfolding events, but we can control how we respond to them. Do you allow setbacks to knock you off course? Or do you use them as catalysts for achieving your goals? Do you let one obnoxious person ruin your day? Or do ...

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Similarly, happiness means different things to different people. Joe's ideas of happiness may be earning 200K a year because it provides him the means to afford his big mansion and fancy cars -- even if it comes at the expense of having to work long 60 hour weeks. Ana's version of happiness may be far more modest. Give her a small apartment filled with books and pets and she's in bliss. Sam, for his part, might find happiness in moving to a different city every other year, while Betty might take delight in being a stay-at-home mom. Different strokes for different folks. Judging others for their likes and lifestyles is no less inappropriate than passing judgment on, say, their physical appearance. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, yes, but that doesn't grant them the latitude to criticize others' choices just because they don't align with theirs. I may aspire to become a manager, but you mi...

Irish novelist James Joyce once said, "Mistakes are portals of discovery." And if you stop and think about it, he was absolutely right. We wouldn't have learned some of our most valuable life lessons had we not messed up in the past. Those missteps actually enabled us to grow and acquire wisdom we can in turn pass on to our kids, friends, and other loved ones. Sure, we might be ashamed of our mistakes and wish we could have a few do-overs. But one important thing to remember is that no one is perfect. We all make them and have to deal with the consequences thereafter. Harping on our mistakes isn't healthy.  At some point, we must recognize -- and accept -- that the past is behind us, and there's nothing we can do to change it. Rather than carry our mistakes around with us, we should place them under our feet and use them as stepping stones to bettering ourselves. Whether we got into a car accident while driving around tipsy, took a wonderful partner ...

Sometimes you need to give up on people -- not because you don't care, but because they don't. Let's say you and your friend have drifted from each other over time. You assume (or hope) he or she has noticed it as well and you resolve to get things running smoothly again. If, after some time, you've done all you can to jolt some life into the relationship -- whether by inviting the person to dinner, texting them to wish their kid a Happy Birthday, or dropping by to help clean out their garage -- and they still show no interest, it could be because of the following: 1. They're expecting you to do all the heavy lifting in the relationship. 2. They don't value you like you do them. 3. They're going through something they may not wish to talk about. The only one of the three that is a valid excuse is #3, though they should at least tell you that much and not leave you hanging. We should all respect others' need for space, but unless we're...

If you had a choice between two deep, meaningful relationships and 15 superficial ones, which would you choose? (I hope you find this to be a no brainer.) We live in a time when amassing as many Facebook friends and Twitter followers as you can is celebrated, even if many of those people are friends of friends of friends whom you've never spoken to in your life. Our time and energy are not limitless. We ought to reserve them for the few people who enrich our lives -- not for those who couldn't remember our names or where they met us if their lives depended on it. I find that it's a good thing when your circle decreases in size, for it means that it's increasing in value because only the people who truly care remain. Can you imagine how many relationships have gone down the tubes because people stretched themselves thin trying to accommodate countless acquaintances whom, in the end, weren't worth it? When we stop and think about it, hardly any of those ...

Shallow individuals are those who place a great importance on things of a superficial nature rather than on meaningful ones that should carry the most weight. We all know at least one person (I know a few, as a matter of fact) who makes looks a top priority when assessing potential suitors. While looks certainly matter, a "face like Brad Pitt's" or a "body like Jennifer Lopez's" should not top anyone's list of must-haves. At the end of the day, physical chemistry may get the ball rolling, but it's the mental and emotional connection you establish with someone (and, hopefully, a spiritual one) that sustain a loving relationship. Sooner or later, we go gray, get old, and gain weight. We can't expect to look like we did in our 20s and 30s forever, nor expect as much of our partner. Beauty is only skin deep. Qualities like intelligence, kindness, loyalty, integrity, and a great sense of humor are reliable gauges of one's true characte...

When people treat you as if they don't care -- no matter how emphatically they might say they do -- always go by their actions. It might sound pretty cliche by now, but actions really do speak louder than words. Actions, not  words, reveal a person's true intentions. If one's actions don't align with their words, it's pretty obvious they're being dishonest. If anything, our actions should back up whatever comes out of our mouths. So when people say they'll call or visit you, but you're left waiting weeks -- if not months -- for them to reach out to you, it's safe to say they never intended to establish contact in the first place. Some people think they're doing us a favor by telling us things we'd like to hear, even if they might not be entirely honest. Reality check: untruths, half-truths and white lies are all variants of dishonesty, even if such individuals say they're doing it to spare our feelings. Most people would prefe...

If your gut tells you that you shouldn't do something, it's always best to listen to it. Unfortunately, many people engage in a slew of behaviors despite being conscious of the fact that they can lead to serious, often-damaging consequences. Some of these reckless acts include: Cheating on their partner Sleeping with someone you don't want to be intimate with  Stealing from others  Drinking more than they should  Taking illegal drugs  Becoming physically aggressive with others Let's delve into cheating for a moment.  There is absolutely no excuse in the world that could justify such an abhorrent betrayal of a partner's trust.  And if your partner cheats on you first, it doesn't give you license to go out and do the same. It's better to be the better person and walk away before becoming involved with someone else.  Payback doesn't solve anything. If anything, it heightens feelings of bitterness and animosity. What gets m...

It can be painful when we learn that someone we trust, admire, and respect -- whether an old friend, family member, or colleague -- is talking behind our back. We feel betrayed, cheated, violated. And to add insult to injury, they try to act all nice when they're around us, as if they genuinely cared. If that doesn't sound like the quintessential fake person, I don't know what does. People talk behind others' backs for three primary reasons: 1. They envy something you have that they perceive as lacking in their own lives, whether your looks, social status, relationships, possessions, or title.  2. They aim to make themselves feel better by spreading falsehoods about you.  3. They know they can't emulate your lifestyle, so they figure talking smack about you -- especially around people who hold you in high esteem -- is the only way to hit where it hurts.  Our immediate impulse may be to go and rip them a new one. But see, that's exactly the reaction...

You may have read the title of the post and immediately retorted, "No, selfishness is wrong. Giving to and being there for others is what life should be about." I don't disagree with the latter statement. Whether it's helping an elderly woman cross the street or giving money to a homeless man, a small gesture that brightens one's day can be far more gratifying than, say, pampering yourself with material junk you may never even get around to using. But I would challenge the notion that being selfish sometimes is wrong. Yes, being selfish all the time is beyond the pale, especially if you have people (spouse, children, etc.) who greatly depend on you. But let's face it: Everyone is selfish , albeit in varying degrees. And it's not limited to spending money on themselves. Some people are selfish when it comes to their time. They want to do things according to their schedule, and there's little room for compromise. Still others want to call t...

All of us experience some anxiety every so often. Maybe we're prepping for a big presentation, awaiting test results, or about to bungee jump for the first time. While a little anxiety is normal, it can quickly spiral out of control unless we're careful. Thinking incessantly about what may happen or go wrong -- otherwise known as overthinking -- can lead one to create problems in their mind that don't exist. We almost convince ourselves that we're going to bomb the presentation, that the test results won't be favorable, or that we'll seriously injure ourselves upon jumping. In essence, we allow fear and pessimism to paralyze us with their ironclad grip. But here's the thing: Anxiety doesn't come from merely thinking about the future. It's caused by trying to control the future. We really have no idea what the future holds, so it makes little sense to fabricate images in our heads of what it will look like. Who's to say things won...

Never depend on anyone or anything to feel fulfilled in life. That includes: Your partner Your kids Your friends Your job/employer Your hobbies The operative word here is "depend." We depend on food, water, and oxygen for survival.  When it comes the examples listed above, they can certainly enhance our lives, but life satisfaction shouldn't depend on any one of them.  As we all know, things and people can change at the drop of a hat: Your partner could cheat on or fall out of love with you Your kids may distance themselves from you (or even grow to dislike you) as they get older Shifting priorities may water down your relationships You can be laid off at any given moment, or you may come to hate your job over time You can throw your back, rendering you unable to play football or other games you may enjoy  The car, watch, or mug you love so much could break unexpectedly I'm not saying these things will most definitely happen, but t...

Whether we're at work or at the mall, people often judge us based on two criteria -- very superficial ones, I might add -- in our daily lives: (1) what we own and (2) what we've accomplished. Ever heard the expression, "You are what you eat?" A more accurate version would be, "You are what you wear, what you drive, what you have in your wallet, and what you do for a living." It's a testament to how shallow society has become. Granted, your job is important in that it's part of who you are. But I find it rather unsettling that people would measure others' worth based on what brands they sport and what their title is. For example, a friend of mine is incredulous at the fact that I have no aspirations to become a vice president or CEO. I've told him repeatedly that managing others and spending most of my time in meetings doesn't appeal to me. I'd much rather remain low enough in the food chain where I'm making a decent ...

Want a happier life? Many people assume that material possessions are essential to securing happiness, but this couldn't be farther from the truth.  In fact, here are two rules of thumb for achieving a more fulfilling life: 1. Use things, not people. 2. Love people, not things. It goes without saying that using people -- especially by trifling with their feelings -- is unacceptable. Save for cheating, stealing, or inflicting physical harm, taking advantage of others is the surest way to run your relationship with them into the ground. Now, just because you use things doesn't mean you have to place your happiness in them.  Material stuff -- from fancy cars to high-end watches-- serve to make us look stylish and our lives easier in many ways.  But such things wear and tear. No sooner do you get excited about owning the object than you're already planning what you'll buy next. Indeed, the novelty of owing stuff is only ephemeral.  A n...

Never be a prisoner of your past, for it was a lesson -- not a life sentence. There's nothing you can do to change what's already come to pass; all you can do is learn from it so that you don't make the same mistakes. There's no sense beating yourself up over past decisions that, in hindsight, you wish you hadn't made, whether that includes hooking up with your ex, taking a particular job, or making a poor investment. You should never lament anything that (1) once made you smile, even if it was at the very beginning (2) you ultimately learned from, making you a better person today. Our missteps, as a matter of fact, are our best teachers. It's through our mistakes that we gain the most wisdom. If we never made any, how could we ever better ourselves? Of course, that doesn't mean we should deliberately make foolish decisions for the sake of learning a lesson. But there's no question that all of us can cite at least a few choices we have made t...

"Being you is all that you can do," or so says a song I heard this morning by rock band Audioslave. The aptly named track "Be Yourself" describes what I feel people should aim to do all the time -- whether they're in the middle of a job interview, on a blind date, or at a party. Now, just because you project the "real you" doesn't mean you can't strive to better yourself, whether that means taking public speaking classes, giving up drinking, or becoming more charitable. But when it comes to your natural core -- your true temperament, your bedrock principles -- you should always stand firm. You shouldn't have to fake who you are just to impress other people. If others don't give their stamp of approval to the most genuine version of yourself, guess what? (1) You don't need their validation to begin with, and (2) You're with the wrong people. The right people for us, on the other hand, accept us for who we are -- flaws...

Ladies, if a man wants you only for your body, kick him to the curb! Don't waste time and energy thinking that he'll change and that you'll be the one to facilitate it. Such men hardly ever change. Once they're players, they're players for life. If you give in, you only risk being used and getting your heart broken. Realize that many men have no qualms about swooping in, getting women invested emotionally, and then flying the coop once they have set their sights on a new conquest. Now, if you're actually looking for no-strings-attached fun -- perhaps following a rough divorce, or because you are steering clear of serious commitment at this moment --  then you can disregard the tips in this post and press on. But if you're tired of the games and are craving a deep connection with someone worthwhile, you should cut loose men who: Only want to meet up late at night  Never ask how your day is going  Never seem interested in your dreams and...

What would you say is the worst kind of punishment you can inflict on someone? While many might feel it's delivering physical abuse (e.g., beating the person up), I firmly believe that mental and emotional damage can be far more difficult to rebound from. Such wounds can take far longer to heal. When it comes to indifference, stop for a moment and think about just how painful it must be to realize that someone near and dear to your heart -- whether it's your partner, friend, or a family member -- couldn't care less about you anymore. Such indifference could come in many forms, with unanswered texts or calls chief among them. Perhaps you don't get a call on your birthday from the individual, or even after just having gone through a trying experience (e.g., emergency surgery or a death in the family). It could very well be that we forgot the person's birthday, weren't there when they needed us, or had a huge argument with them, and now they've cut of...