How To Understand People

It can be, at least in certain situations. Here's my take: I feel I get to know someone better on a one-to-one basis. Adding a third person to the equation can change the dynamics of the encounter considerably. A third person brings their own opinions and idiosyncrasies into the mix, some of which you may not find agreeable. That's not to say that three or four close friends can't have a great night out. They certainly can. But when you're getting to know someone, bringing another person into the picture can hamper your ability to get to know him or her on a more personal level. This also happens when you already know the person and would rather talk about certain things you both like and typically talk about -- whether sports, the news, or celebrity gossip. I've found that when it's a party of two, both people open up in ways they wouldn't with other people around, or they just act differently. For example, when we first started dating, I ne...

Many of my friends have me give their resumes and cover letters a once-over before they apply for any job. You'd be amazed at how many glaring typos I find on the documents. It goes without saying that you must proofread your materials before sending them off . Use spell checker to find any spelling mistakes, then print the documents and scan them slowly. If you go too quickly, your eyes will assume everything is error-free -- after all, you've been working on them for quite a while. Have a more seasoned proofreader look over your stuff if need be. You might be asking yourself, "Why should I worry so much about spelling and grammar? I'm not applying for a writing position here!" Even if the actual position requires little to no writing, employers use resumes and cover letters to pre-screen candidates. If they're rife with errors, employers will infer that the candidate is not detail-oriented and will produce sloppy work while on the job. Thus, it s...

Back in the old days, people would communicate exclusively via written letters that often took weeks, if not months, to arrive. While letters are still used today -- mostly by companies wanting us to sign up for credit cards or enroll in some form of membership with them -- it's become somewhat outdated as far as communications between friends and family are concerned. And the same can be said for making phone calls. That's thanks largely to the advent and ubiquity of texting and social media. If you're like me, you probably receive congratulations for promotions and other achievements -- not to mention holiday and birthday wishes, condolences, and so forth -via text or Facebook, even from your closest friends. Sure, we all know a couple of people who might still call or pay a visit -- the "old school" set -- but it's become increasingly rare. There's no question that texting and social media are convenient (and fairly cheap) methods of staying...

When I consider my closest friendships, I always ask one thing:  Would we have clicked in the same way had we met a year later?  Five years later? Ten years after? Chances are, we would not. The reasons why we gel more with certain people are almost self-explanatory. In general, most of our friends are close to us in age. It's not at all surprising given we probably met them in school or doing some activity that people in our age bracket might enjoy. I met my closest friends in different stages of my life: one in elementary school, one in middle school, one in high school, one in college, and one at my second job out of college. Three of them are single guys with no kids, while the other two -- the best man at my wedding and a female coworker I recently addressed in a prior post -- are married with children. Can you guess which of these friends I see and talk to more? Indeed, my friendships with these two latter friends has changed drastically since they became p...

Friendships usually change a great deal when one or both people get into relationships . In a way, this is to be expected. People get busier and tend to put their significant before anyone else. And once kids come along, this is only magnified tenfold. The most noticeable shift is that face time with the friend becomes very hard to come by. In most cases, the friends still manage keep in touch via text, email, or Facebook, but plans made with partners now preclude outings to the movies, concerts, and elsewhere that the friends used to make at the drop of the hat. That's not to say that seeing each other becomes impossible once one or both friends are in a relationship, but it takes more effort and planning. Obviously, any proposed plans with friends now have to be run by the significant other, who may or may not be on board. That was never an issue when the friends were both single. A great example of this is my friendship with an ex co-worker of mine, Elizabeth. During t...

Happiness is a decision.  It's a choice. It's a state of mind. You are as happy as you choose to be. The happiness ball is in your court, always. Life isn't about what happens to you, but what you do in response to what happens to you . You can either choose to sulk and let negative thoughts and feelings get the best of you, or you can look on the bright side and say, "Hey, things could be worse. Compared to what others are going through, this isn't that big of a deal." That kind of mindset can go a long way toward improving your mood and helping you appreciate what you have. Many people feel most unhappy when they compare themselves to others. But why in the world would someone do this to themselves? Other people are not you . Chances are, they don't share the same upbringing, like all the same things, or aspire to the same career goals as you. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be more like other people. To do things as they do th...

Several of my high school colleagues are popping out babies as if it were a competition. Even a good number of my co-workers have a bun in the oven. I've never seen so many pregnant women at the same time. There must be something in the water! This is in stark contrast to all the reports I come across about the birthrate going down and how people are waiting longer to start a family. My wife and I definitely fall into such a group. We want to spend a couple more years traveling and enjoying our marriage before we contemplate having one of our own. Indeed, having kids is a life changer, and for the time being at least, we're trying to make the most out of living sans children. A friend and ex co-worker of mine, who had her daughter 14 months ago, told me a few weeks back that raising a child is far more taxing than she'd ever imagined. To my surprise, she sent me a text about two weeks ago inviting me to yet another baby shower -- this time for a boy that's due ...

"Have it your way" was Burger King's slogan for 40 years. The thrust was that consumers could customize their burger any way they wished -- without cheese, with extra pickles, and so forth. I always thought the slogan could be adapted to construct a very powerful inspirational quote -- by changing the first two words to "live life." Thus, "live life your way." That's the motto I feel we should all live by. Dress as you wish. Pursue a career in the field of your choice. Savor the hobbies that make you feel alive. Live your life by your own terms. As I've stressed in several posts, I am ardently opposed to following the herd. Life is too short to try to appease everybody. You'll always disappoint someone. You'll always fall short of someone's expectations.  What's really the point of trying to do things to others' liking? You never know if that relationship will end tomorrow.  We should all embrace our Go...

It's a topic I broached in an earlier post this week regarding kids returning to school: TRAFFIC. The time spent stuck in traffic is time you'll never get back -- ever. Whether you drive through a school zone on the way to work or are delayed by an accident or two, traffic congestion can be anathema to even the most patient drivers. Once our commute approaches or exceeds an hour, it really starts to grate on us, especially if it's something we grapple with several times a week. It makes us more irritable and tired, often leaving us feeling awfully achy. For example, many people who spend inordinate amounts of time behind the wheel complain of chronic back pain, headaches, and other health issues. Worst of all is the fact that long commutes cut into the time we can be spending doing other things -- hanging out with friends or family, putting in a workout at the gym, sleeping, watching TV, etc. As I noted in my post on back-to-school traffic, I read while waiting ...

I think most of my readers can easily guess what my answer would be: reading and writing. And I know many of the wonderful individuals who frequent this blog happen to be avid readers and/or writers themselves. With exception to eating, sleeping, or perhaps doing stuff with my wife that married couples do, there's nothing I'd rather be doing than immersing myself in a good book or writing to my heart's content. For me, reading and writing go hand in hand. I not only read to learn new things, but to study how the authors frame their arguments, with special consideration to their style and word usage. If I come across an unfamiliar word, I immediately look up its definition. These strategies, in turn, help me become a better and faster writer. I've also observed that the more I read, the faster I become at reading. Unfortunately, reading, writing, or indulging in any other hobby all day long just isn't feasible. We have all those other things to tend to -- you...

It's so easy for some people to criticize others while neglecting to look in the mirror and acknowledge their own faults. Those who criticize everyone but themselves fall into one of these two camps: 1. They love to highlight what they perceive as other people's flaws and shortcomings as a way of hiding their own. 2. They lack self-esteem and do this in order to feel better about themselves. Some of my coworkers, who are otherwise nice and caring people, have a penchant for talking smack about people's clothes, work habits, and overall lifestyle. When this happens, I just nod along and proceed to change the subject. I refuse to be dragged into the chorus of backstabbing, always keeping in mind that they could use my remarks against me at any point. People should keep their unflattering comments about others to themselves -- plain and simple. What do they gain by disparaging people whom they may know little about? At the end of the day, we don't really kn...

I hadn't even heard of Uber until just a few months ago, when my friend told me he had signed up as a driver to supplement his income. My wife and I finally used it during our vacation in Boston earlier this month. While we saw the vast majority of the sites and attractions on foot -- mind you, Boston is a very walkable city -- we opted to use the service to travel further distances, e.g., from Boston to Cambridge and back. Let's just say I came away feeling as if Uber is the best thing since sliced bread. In case you've never used it, all you have to do is use the Uber app on your phone to indicate where you are and where you want to go. You'll be assigned to the driver nearest you, who will likely arrive in less than 5 minutes. The fare is charged to the credit card you have on file, and you can later rate the driver as well as your overall experience. Luckily, all our drivers were prompt and friendly, earning them high marks from us. I'm amazed at ho...

Many people show more interest in other people when they're not around than when they are. We all have that coworker who may not talk to us for days at work, but somehow they notice when we're not there and proceed to inquire about it. Many of us have been in a relationship where the other person takes us for granted -- until we begin to show signs of getting fed up and cease putting in as much time and effort. Then there's the friend who only seems to care about the friendship once you've stopped calling and visiting them. If we want people to appreciate us, we have no choice but to force them to invest time and effort in us too -- not just the other way around. By doing so, the individual realizes that if they're taking their spare time to do something for us, they must truly care about us. The tendency to take others for granted is a theme I've broached in myriad posts on the blog. I understand that we get busy, and being unable to answer every ...

I know several people who admit they want to run for the hills anytime they see a roach, including my wife. While I'm not "afraid" of roaches myself, I'm certainly grossed out by them. If I spot one, I stop at nothing to kill it, as the last thing I want is the critter crawling into my shoe or on my bed. And nothing makes me reach quicker for the Raid spray than the sight of one that can fly! I aim to self-fumigate my condo at least once a month. I figure it's a preemptive way to keep the creepy crawlers from venturing inside uninvited. It's funny how people's reasons for being terrified of roaches are largely irrational. If anything, roaches are afraid of US, who they rightly see as gigantic beings that can squash them into oblivion. It makes more sense to be afraid of sharks, snakes, or alligators, all of which can make us their next lunch. But some people find roaches so ugly and disgusting (despite their diminutive size) that they want absolu...

Ever notice that after a while, you get tired of the same things -- whether foods, TV shows, work responsibilities, or -- dare I say it -- people? Several people have asked me why this happens, so I thought it apropos to create a post that addresses this phenomenon. The more we're exposed to a given stimulus, the less satisfaction we derive from it over time. In psychology and economics, this is known as the law of diminishing marginal utility.  Here's the definition provided by BusinessDictionary.com: "The law of diminishing marginal utility is a psychological generalization that the perceived value of, or satisfaction gained from, a good to a consumer declines with each additional unit consumed or acquired." In other words, you can only eat so many Big Macs or watch the same movie so many times before you become completely sick -- which is termed disutility.  In advertising, wearout is defined as the declining effectiveness of a commercial or campaign ...

It's that time of the year again -- kids across the nation are commencing what they -- and their teachers and parents alike -- hope will be a fabulous school year. Now that school is back in session, we can certainly count on two things happening, especially in the next couple of weeks: 1. Traffic will get worse: If you happen to live and work near school zones -- as I do -- your commute most definitely will get longer.  In my case, during the school year it takes me roughly 10-15 minutes longer to get to work in the morning and home in the evening.  I try to leave extra early in the morning to beat the traffic, which often results in my getting to work an hour early. That's when I recline my chair in the chair and pull out a book -- or, I get a few extra Zzs.  As for the evening, if I see traffic slowing to a crawl, I stop by a nearby Starbucks or library -- book in hand -- and wait it out. If I leave an hour or two later, I usually get home in abou...

How many times have you gotten upset about something, only to realize once you've cooled off that it wasn't worth getting so worked up over?  We've all been there.  Human beings are highly emotional, volatile creatures. When we're having a bad day, it doesn't take much for us to fly off the handle. Even the slightest inconvenience or annoyance can set us off.  Today I want to share with you a quick and easy way to squelch that anger in a matter of seconds. Ready? Here it goes... When you find yourself up in arms about you, take a deep breath and ask yourself a simple question: Is this something that I'll be upset about a week from now? A month from now? A year from now? Five years from now? I guarantee you that in nearly all cases, the answer will be no. You're merely caught in the moment and only thinking of the present, not the future.  Your spouse accidentally dropped and broke your favorite mug. Your co-worker spilled...

It isn't low pay or long hours, though they most definitely can be contributing factors in one's decision to bolt. At least those issues stand a chance of being resolved with some form of compromise, whether a raise or change of schedule. But being unable to get along with the boss -- no matter how hard we've tried -- is very difficult to stomach for 40 or more hours each week and the primary reason so many of us leave our jobs. In fact, many people admit that they leave specifically to get away from that individual; everything else about the job itself could be nearly perfect -- the salary, benefits, coworkers -- but they don't care. The boss has simply become too much to bear. What makes us reach that breaking point? It could be that the boss: Disrespects/belittles you Persistently takes you for granted Takes all the credit for your work Prevents you from growing within the department or company Shows favoritism toward others Is a slave driver Is a m...

There's no better feeling in the world than being self-sufficient. Does that mean being able to pay your bills, file your taxes, fix a faucet leak, buy property, and do virtually anything else without anyone's assistance? Not quite. As great as that sounds, let's face it -- not all of us are handy or conversant with all things finance. We need other people's help for certain things about which we have little knowledge and/or would rather pay others to do for us. What's more, those of us who are parents rely on our partner to help out with the kids, among other parental duties. When I say self-sufficient, I'm talking about everyday things that require no real expertise. I've spoken to people at work who admit they don't set foot in a mall unless a friend or family member is there to help them pick out clothes. Others say they refuse to hit the gym unless they have a gym buddy with them. Still others won't buy food at a restaurant unless ...

Trying to change a person is an exercise in futility. We all come with a set of inherent traits and habits that can be very difficult to shake off -- and that's if we care to in the first place! As much as you might want someone to become, say, more of a sports fan or less of a slob, if they're not genuinely interested in changing, they won't take the necessary steps to do so -- even if their words say otherwise. And once someone has made it clear that they don't want to change, people should back off and respect their wishes. Let's not forget something: Generally, the more we sense someone is trying to change our ways, the more resistant we'll be to their efforts. In fact, we're likely to double down on whatever it is that those people take exception with. Examples in which this phenomenon plays out include: The rebellious teenager who wishes to rebel against her parents The recent high school graduate who wants to attend any college other...

I've made what I -- and several others -- consider to be an astute observation:  Many people become highly obnoxious when they get together with other people -- whether their friends, coworkers, or others they're close to.  They become looser and less conscious of their surroundings, which often translates into firing off cuss words and lame jokes. Such behavior is only magnified when drinks are involved. I don't take any issue with people having fun with their friends. It's being so silly as to be annoying -- getting drunk, joining forces to demean others, making fools of themselves -- that gets on my nerves.  As I've pointed out in prior entries, people tend toward civilized behavior when they're alone because there's no audience to impress. They don't have to worry about channeling someone else's behavior -- being "part of the group" -- because no one else is there. Thus, when people are alone, they're more vulne...

You know those people who think they know you better than you know yourself? Yeah, you should ignore them. I'm talking about the ones who try to pass judgment without knowing much about you. The people who are clueless as to your goals, dreams, struggles, travails. Why do people do this? Because they're insecure about themselves. They're constantly measuring themselves against other people -- their looks, their clothes, the car they drive, their job, their overall lifestyle. When people perceive you as a threat, they try to do all sorts of things to malign you behind your back -- from spreading rumors to downright character assassination. I've seen this firsthand at work. The bottom line is that no one knows you better than you know yourself. Only you have the right to pass judgment on or criticize yourself, for no one else walks in your shoes. It's okay to offer some form of constructive criticism when warranted -- many of our well-meaning friends a...

Mashable.com recently published an article about a guy who made an unexpected find while traveling near Santa Cristina, Italy. It is there that he stumbled upon a familiar sight: the very view that he had set as his picture background on his phone. The picture is of Langkofel and Plattkofel in the Dolomites mountain range in Northeastern Italy. He says he originally set it as his background picture because he was looking for beautiful towns to visit while in Italy. Coincidental, isn't it? I can only imagine the guy's reaction upon beholding the mountains in person: "Hey, that looks familiar..." If you think that's an odd story, you haven't heard about my trip to Walt Disney World one year. I took a plethora of pictures as I always do while on vacation. Upon close inspection of one of the pictures, I noticed that an old friend from elementary school (who lived in the same city as me at the time) appeared in the background!  I didn't even know sh...

One mistake many people make is that they keep their talents a secret, whether they're natural talents or ones cultivated over time. The possible reasons for this are quite simple: They either don't want to feel as though they're showing off, they aim to avoid the spotlight, or they're afraid of messing up while others are watching. All of these are perfectly reasonable. The last thing I am is a show-off myself, and I am not a fan of drawing attention to myself in the least. That's why, when I possess a talent I would like people to know about, I casually show them on a one-to-one basis. For example, I type well over 100 words per minute. Two co-workers who sit near me got wind of it by hearing me type away at blazing speeds. (They didn't notice by actually watching me, as the cubicles are partitioned by walls.) Eventually, they each asked for an individual demonstration, and I was happy to provide it. It isn't like I typed more slowly or quietly...

While everyone around me seems to do anything they can to fit in and follow the herd, I strive to highlight what makes me unique. Many people are leery of being too different from other people because they fear they won't be able to relate to them. In the worst cases, some even fear social isolation. Being a huge bibliophile, history geek, and psychology lover sets me apart in that most people don't delve into these things for leisure and personal fulfillment. They see it merely as work -- something that has no place outside of a corporate or college setting. I love to hit up museums and historic sites while on vacation. Most people would derisively call that a field trip, not a vacation, and proceed to sunbathe on a picturesque island somewhere. The fact that I have such a strong proclivity for learning and ideas doesn't make me any better or worse than the next person. It just means that I'm probably more intellectually curious than most individuals I come a...

Love isn't just about what you say, but what you do. Because communicating orally is something we can't escape from, our actions should serve to reinforce our words. Sure, everyone likes to hear an "I love you" thrown their way every so often. But what good is uttering such words when they're not backed up with substantive action? It's those concrete actions that really give the words meaning. Far too often, people rely solely on words to placate their partner or get themselves out of arguments. More likely than not, what leads to those arguments is an absence of action -- one or both partners failing to live up to something they said they would do. If love were based only on words, people would get away with lying and promising things without intending to deliver in earnest. It's no wonder relationships start to go downhill when someone is caught in a lie, let alone repeatedly. If you don't trust your partner -- if you don't feel c...

In many of my posts, I muse about what life must have been like in the 18th century and express a burning desire to travel back to colonial times. One of the things I can't imagine, though, is living in an era devoid of the technology we've come to rely upon today. Indeed, the internet has revolutionized the world like nothing else. Who would have imagined we'd be availing of it to do so many things -- from buy groceries and find love to speak with friends and family in different corners of the world? But the internet wasn't always as vast as it is today, with more than one billion websites. In fact, on August 6, 1991, British computer scientist Tim Berners-Lee published the first-ever website while working at CERN, a physics lab in Switzerland. Appropriately, the site described the Web and how to use it. We should feel blessed to live in a time when technology affords us the opportunity to do things our ancestors could only dream of. You can buy virtually...

Is there anything harder than going back to work following a weeklong vacation? Of course there is, but most people would concede that doing so is no easy task. I went on a trip to Boston with my wife last week and had a great time. So great, in fact, that I dreaded having to go back to the office today. It was a miracle I was even able to get up on time! No, it's not that I disdain my job. Sure, there are things about it I wish I could change, but I like certain aspects of it. It's just difficult to get back in a working groove again after having spent several days sightseeing and soaking up as much history possible. And it isn't as though my brain was on vacation during the trip; I spent a great deal of time reading descriptions on exhibits and buildings. The bottom line is that most of us would gladly prefer sauntering around a city and hitting up popular sites and attractions to being holed up in a cubicle for eight hours every day. Somehow, though, we...

Do what is right for you . No one else is walking in your shoes. No one knows you -- your fears, your passions, your goals -- better than you do. Never let anyone chart your path for you, for only you know the ultimate road to fulfillment in your life. Never let anyone convince you that whatever you wish to pursue isn't right for you -- only you have the final say in that. Never let anyone dissuade you from attempting to accomplish even the loftiest of goals. If your heart and mind are in the right place, you can achieve anything. Your parents' or friends' experiences won't necessarily be your own. Just because they failed at something doesn't mean you will. Perhaps they lack your will to persevere in the face of long odds. Sometimes people secretly want you to fail; never, ever give them that satisfaction. There's no greater feeling in the world than proving someone who said you couldn't achieve something wrong . Only you have the right to say you ca...

Living in your head is generally frowned upon in this extrovert-loving society. Introspection simply isn't prized in a world where so many people are jockeying to have their voices heard. In fact, pensiveness is often mistaken for snobbishness or social anxiety. And those who aren't as loud and assertive don't earn as much respect and perks as their more boisterous peers. You'll notice that most job listings emphasize teamwork and list excellent oral communication skills as one of the requirements. You'd be hard-pressed to find an ad specifically looking for a deep thinker. Unfortunately, quiet introverts continue to be put into the same bucket as serial killers and others who perpetrate horrible crimes. What many fail to understand is this: Many people -- myself included -- find living in their heads a refreshing change from the daily grind. Introspective types would agree that reading books -- whether of the fiction or non-fiction variety -- transpor...

Ladies, take note: If you want to keep your man happy, there's really one thing you have to do. No, it isn't to cook him food, although that'd certainly be a plus in our book. It's merely to make him feel loved. Men like to feel needed. They like to feel useful. The worst feeling in the world is being in a relationship with someone who acts like they couldn't care less if it ended tomorrow. Before I got with my now-wife, I dated a few women who were standoffish, and, frankly, emotionally distant. Unsurprisingly, those wound up being flings rather than long-lasting relationships. It's as simple as that. All it takes to keep a man happy is to make him feel desired. Men, of course, should do their part to make their partner feel loved as well. If attention and affection aren't being dispensed equally, it could lead to serious problems down the road. Do you agree? Have you found this to be the case in your relationship(s)?