How To Understand People

If you feel you have to push someone to care about or show interest in you, you're probably wasting your time. When people genuinely care, they don't need any prodding -- they do things because it comes straight from the heart. People make time for and invest energy in the things and people that matter to them. For example, if you sense you have to cajole your boyfriend into committing to you -- even after being together for several years -- what does that say about his interest in taking things with you to the next level? It communicates that he just isn't that serious about your future together. Or suppose that your friend of 10 years seems to serve up a different excuse every time you propose meeting up for coffee. When getting her to say yes is like pulling teeth, that's when it's clear who's really invested and who isn't. We can drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out why a person would act this way, but it would only be an exercise in fu...

As Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu once warned, "Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner." Indeed, some people care so deeply about others' opinions of them that they allow those individuals to dictate the very decisions they make in their own lives -- whether it affects their love life, career, and so forth. For example, some people will not date a person unless they get the green light from their friends. Others will refrain from dressing a certain way, driving a specific car, or eating particular foods for fear that relatives will not approve. Worrying over what people say or think about you will only trap you mentally and emotionally, preventing you from reaching your full potential and living life to the fullest. And here's the truth: In most cases, these people aren't thinking of us at all! And even if they are, who's to say it isn't something positive? Perhaps they dig your new glasses even though you're c...

Relationships go down the road to ruin without a willingness on the part of both partners -- not just one -- to do the following six things: Invest time in the relationship Invest energy in the relationship  Communicate their concerns and address any areas where they feel there is room for improvement  Remain transparent  Love and trust one another  Be understanding rather than judgmental  A relationship is like a car in that it requires routine maintenance. What would happen if you were to stop changing the oil and rotating the tires? It would cease to work properly, right?  The same logic applies to a relationship.  And here's the thing: When a car starts giving you problems, you don't immediately go out and get a new one. Similarly, you shouldn't pull the plug on a relationship without making the effort to resolve whatever problems the two of you are facing. Ending a relationship prematurely would mean giving up on somethin...

I recently read an article in the magazine Psychology Today  that discusses a phenomenon in social perception called the Doppelgänger Bias .  For starters, a doppelgänger is a non-biologically related look-alike or double of a living person. In books and movies, it is sometimes portrayed as a ghostly or paranormal apparition and usually deemed a harbinger of bad luck. Our prior knowledge of a person -- whether he/she has treated you well or poorly -- determines how you act toward that individual in the future. But research suggests that a person's track record may also affect how you treat people who look like the person in question. In studies headed by Brown University neuroscientist Oriel FeldmanHall, participants played a money-sharing game with several "male partners" whose headshots appeared onscreen. (Players were lead to believe they were dealing with actual people, but the partners were virtual.) As the study participants played, they discovered these ...

True strength comes not from what you do, but from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn't. Whether it's thinking that learning a new language is too difficult, that a better job is out of reach, or that leaving an abusive relationship is near impossible, we can overcome these mental roadblocks we set for ourselves by:  Believing in ourselves  Adopting a positive mindset  Working hard to reach our goal  Accepting that occasional setbacks are normal  Never giving up You can do anything you set your heart and mind to. It may not happen exactly when and how you want it to, but you must never lose hope if you wish to prevail.  And achieving success sometimes involves taking difficult steps, like reaching out to others for help, reworking our whole strategy if not starting all over from scratch, putting up with people who may try to get in our way, and sacrificing ample resources (whether mental, financial, or time-oriented).  ...

People should like you for who you are rather than for who they'd like you to be. Maybe your partner wishes that you shared their love of travel, art museums, and classical music. Perhaps you have a friend who'd love for you to be into shooting ranges, ACC football, Fox News, and scubadiving like they are. While there's no harm in suggesting you be open to trying new activities, a line needs to be drawn somewhere. If you're constantly being pushed to do things you have little or no interest in, perhaps you and your friend or partner are less compatible than you thought. Maybe they're not as accepting of the "real you" as they seemed at one point, or they've only now gotten to know the real you and aren't impressed. And that's okay. If changing the way you are is the only way to placate the other person, the relationship just isn't meant to last. There are plenty of other people out there who share your interests and values. ...

Don't allow anyone -- from your closest friend to your worst enemy -- to step all over you. No matter the circumstance, you are as deserving of the other person's respect as they are of yours. If you're in a relationship with someone who thinks they can run roughshod over you because you've spoiled them rotten, it's time to establish new ground rules or get out of the relationship. Otherwise, you'll continue to be taken for granted. Similarly, if your friend seems to remember you exist only when they need something, make it clear to them that there is no such thing as a friendship built on selfishness. As with relationships, both people should reciprocate time and effort. If your toxic boss is convinced you'll put up with anything just to keep your job, prove him or her wrong by arranging a closed-door conversation. Impress upon them that they have absolutely no right to treat you like garbage, and hint that you'll take your skills and experie...

Make no mistake about it: When you don't get a response from someone -- whether they fail to answer your texts or return your phone calls -- it is  still a response, and a powerful one at that. When a person fails to respond, it's a direct reflection of their interest -- or lack thereof -- in the relationship. Few things are more aggravating than having to hound a partner, friend, or relative for some sort of reply after we've reached out to them. Yes, we get busy from time to time, but that doesn't give anyone the right to leave the other person hanging. A terse text with something like "Been busy, will reach out soon" doesn't say much, but at least it shows some effort to bring the other person up to speed on why they've fallen off the radar. Failing to provide a response for weeks -- if not months -- communicates that you are just not a priority, and that you'll have to wait your turn to get this individual's attention. This is n...

You know it is time to pull the plug on a relationship when you've done everything conceivable to make your partner happy, but they fail to recognize your efforts and refuse to do their fair share. You've done everything imaginable to make the relationship work, but he or she continues to cheat, be lazy, take you for granted, or give you the cold shoulder. It's at this point you no longer feel guilty about walking away. In fact, doing so makes you feel liberated because it means you can finally pursue a relationship with someone who will invest the time and energy you do. A relationship that weighs you down -- one that leaves you feeling more dead than alive at the end of the day -- is no relationship at all. Rather, it is more like an albatross over your head that is inhibiting your growth. A good partner enhances our lives with traits that we may lack or that complement our own -- whether it's a great sense of humor, a flair for adventure, or a love of the a...

Steer clear of those who hurt you more than they love you. Avoid those who drain you more than they replenish you. Stay far away from people who bring you more stress than they do peace and joy. Distance yourself from those who try to stunt your growth rather than applaud it. I know what you're probably thinking: In principle, this sounds fine and dandy, but you couldn't possibly avoid every person who occasionally makes you feel like crap, from your toxic boss to your meddling in-laws. To a certain extent, that's true. But one of the most effective ways to navigate relationships with difficult people is to not take what they say or do to heart. If you take everything they say personally, you're essentially surrendering power over your emotions to them. You're enabling them to win. No one has permission to make you feel bad unless you grant it to them. Remember, many of these people are unhappy and disgruntled in their own lives, so they see to it ...

The untimely deaths of fashion designer Kate Spade and celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain this week -- both from apparent suicides -- have rocked the entertainment world and left many people asking one key question: How can people who have so much -- money, fame, a bevy of accomplishments to their name -- commit suicide? Interestingly, I wrote separate entries in recent days that touch on these topics peripherally. Here they are in case you missed them: 2 effective ways to combat depression A sad truth about many people we know The first entry suggests helpful ways of keeping your mind off of whatever is dragging you down, like staying busy through mentally rigorous activities. The latter post attempts to dispel the notion that money and material possessions translate into indefinite happiness. Spade and Bourdain's deaths are the latest in a string of celebrity suicides in recent years. You may recall that Robin Williams, one of world's most celebrated actors, took...

A few days ago, I came across a picture on Facebook that had the following caption: "We buy stuff we don't need -- with money we don't have -- to impress people we don't like." Perhaps you can name a few people in your life -- whether at work or at the gym -- who do precisely that. Maybe that person has been you from time to time. The sad reality is that people often become so hung up on the things they perceive as missing in their lives that they lose sight of everything they already have. In many cases, this results from direct comparisons to people in their circle, thus igniting the urge to "Keep up with the Joneses." As I've said before, there's nothing wrong with indulging yourself every so often. Eat at that fancy restaurant you've been wanting to try. Buy yourself that expensive pair of shoes you say online. You work hard for your money; if you have the means, why not? I take issue, however, with people who have to have the...

Before you enter into a relationship, it's important that two conditions be met: (1) You love yourself, and (2) You feel happy and content without a partner. Relationship satisfaction is closely tied to personal life satisfaction, so the happier a person is in general, the happier he or she is likely to be in a relationship. Don't rely on a partner to make your life great; your life should already be great regardless of whom you're dating. If you don't love yourself, you'll always feel as though something is missing in your life -- even if your partner professes to love you to the moon and back. It isn't fair to depend on anyone else to fill that void. And why should they? A relationship isn't meant to "complete" you. A relationship isn't intended to "fulfill" you. It's meant to enrich your life. You're your own person with or without a partner. Just because you're single doesn't mean you enjoy eating a d...

Have you noticed how some people don't come to appreciate the things you do for them until you stop doing those things? Whether you pack your lunch for your husband every morning, bring in your neighbor's trash can every evening, or take care of your cousin's dog everytime she's away on business, many people grow accustomed to being pampered without asking if there's anything they can do for you. These individuals come to expect such special treatment as if it were the norm; they conveniently forget that you're doing them a favor and have no obligation to accommodate them indefinitely. Even worse, many will fail to express their gratitude at all -- until, of course, you call them out on it or cease lending a hand for good. Relationships should involve reciprocal generosity -- a balanced exchange of give and take. Each of you should take turns doing favors. If only one person in the relationship is a giver, sooner or later they will feel taken for grant...

Don't allow other people to define you. You define yourself . Your value doesn't depend on others' perception or opinion of you. Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth. People will judge you no matter what you say or do; they will always find something to criticize about you. Even if you've done countless nice things for them, they have no qualms about dredging up the one time you made a mistake or displeased them. Unfortunately, if you allow other people to define you, you'll likely be defined by your shortcomings rather than your best qualities. People are entitled to their own opinions about you, but they're certainly not entitled to their own facts about you. You're the gatekeeper to your own happiness. Never relinquish that role to anyone else. Never give people the power to dictate whether you smile or frown, stand or fall, move forward or recoil. Embrace your uniqueness -- all that makes you diff...

People who try to bring you down may not realize it, but they're already below you . A good person doesn't hold grudges, seek retribution, or try to make others' lives miserable. They try to talk things through. They strive to clear the air and reach a consensus, effectively getting rid of any bad blood between both parties.  If you've made an attempt to mend fences but the other person refuses, not only are they sabotaging the relationship, but themselves. Holding on to bitter resentment will only trap him or her in a vicious cycle of negativity that will be very difficult to break free of.  And when people harbor negative feelings toward others, it is often a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Whether they're upset that they didn't get the promotion at work or despondent over their relationship woes, they project onto others the disappointment they feel with themselves for falling short of their goals.  Never let the way others trea...

When you feel depressed, it can seem like the world is crashing down on you. You're listless, apathetic, disengaged. You don't sleep or eat like you should. You lose interest in hobbies and activities that normally put you in a good mood. You avoid others' company. All you want to do is cry, stare at the wall, and be alone. Whether you're melancholy following a layoff or breakup, there are two things you can do to help combat the debilitating feelings brought on by depression. Mind you, these strategies alone won't do away with such symptoms, but at the very least, they'll help take your mind off whatever is troubling you temporarily. I realize people who have been medically diagnosed with depression may find these to be of little use, but they may come in handy for those with only occasional bouts. 1. Staying busy - By keeping busy with other things -- say, doing chores around the house, writing a novel, fixing your car -- you direct your thoughts a...