How To Understand People

When you always try to please others, some of them come to expect it and may develop a knack for taking you for granted. Before you know it, one favor becomes two, or three. You're lending people money even though it may cause you some financial distress. You're giving others rides even though you have your own errands to run. We all like helping others because not only does it feel good, but many of those people have been there to get us out of jams as well. But there comes a point where we simply have to learn to say "no." We can't always put others' needs and wants before our own. We have to remember that we're entitled to happiness just as much as our family, friends, and colleagues are. We have our own set of problems and priorities to deal with. It is, after all, our lives. Being a good person means being there for others when they really need you. It doesn't mean being at their beck and call, especially when it concerns trivial matte...

Want to be happier in your life? Here's a strategy for achieving it: Strive to achieve balance . You might be asking, "Balance what, exactly?" Good question. Happy people strike a healthy balance between setting goals and appreciating what they already possess or have achieved.  Look, there's nothing wrong with being ambitious. Some of us already have the next goal in mind even before we've achieved the present one. Whether we aim to lose weight, start a business, get a master's degree, or climb Mount Everest, setting goals keeps us motivated. Many people feel that if they have no goals in mind, they're just settling, thereby inhibiting their own growth. But it's important not to lose sight of how far you've come. Unfortunately, some individuals are never content. They view everything (and everyone) in their lives as disposable, and they find themselves unable satiate their hunger for a more challenging job, a bigger house, a prettie...

Sometimes we need to extricate ourselves -- even if temporarily -- from others' drama and negativity. We need to wriggle free of adversity we may be confronting at work, home, or elsewhere. Our well-being depends on it! So how exactly can we do this? It depends on whatever it is you like -- whatever it is that drives you. Perhaps nothing spells relaxation like losing yourself in a good book during your lunch break before heading back to your desk. Maybe you recharge by taking a leisurely stroll in the park after work. You may notice that you haven't taken a vacation in almost a year and yearn to get away from it all -- whether that means sunbathing in the Caribbean, skiing in the Alps, or exploring historic attractions in Washington, D.C. Or maybe a spa weekend that includes a rejuvenating massage or stress-melting sauna session is just what the doctor ordered. No one says that relaxing has to carry a big price tag. For some people, putting the phone down and ...

Anyone who contends that cheating is a mistake and not a choice probably cheated on their partner at one point, and their assertion is a convenient way to excuse their unseemly behavior. NOTHING can justify cheating. Not drinking. Not a stressful job. Not a broken relationship. If one cheats, he or she should own up to it. Whether their partner forgives or takes them back is their call, but chances are they will not. But who can blame them? And using the tired alibi that you were unfaithful in a moment of weakness (e.g., someone came onto you) is downright ludicrous. Cheating and lying are intentional choices. Human beings are endowed with the willpower to resist such temptations if they should arise. Cheating is a deliberately choice not to tap into that willpower. A mistake, on the other hand, is something that happens accidentally. You twist your ankle playing softball. You forget to mail this month's rent payment. You drop and break your child's favorite mug. You ...

Whenever we fall into a rut, we may be tempted to "escape" to the past -- a time, our minds tell us, that was surely better than the present. But don't give in or you might sink into a depression! Reminiscing every so often is healthy. We've all taken part in wonderful experiences we can -- and should -- look back on fondly. And if we're lucky, we captured such unforgettable moments in pictures and videos, which certainly heighten the nostalgia. But attempting to run away from the problems we face today by living in the past certainly doesn't solve them; in fact, it can exacerbate them. So why do people seek refuge in the past anyway? Because the past is safe.  We already know what happens. Whatever issues we grappled with then have already been resolved -- as opposed to now, where we don't know exactly what will happen in the future. The mind has a way of tricking us into thinking that things were a lot better in the old days than they are n...

Have you noticed how often we tend to dwell on little things that, in the grand scheme of things, are not all that important? One thing is to worry about a health issue or whether you have enough money to put food on the table for your family tonight. Another is worrying about small stuff we have little to no control over. Here are a few examples: Whether the panel you interviewed with for a new job thought you seemed too interested -- or not interested enough Whether your date noticed you had a small hole in your shirt  Whether your friend is losing interest in hanging out with you because he doesn't seem to call or visit like he used to Most of the things we agonize over can be investigated or resolved with a quick call or email. When you worry so much about things over which you have no control, it builds anxiety, which can adversely impinge on your happiness and well-being. Let things be. Once something has taken place, you don't get a "do over....

Just the other day, I came across the following quote: "Make sure everyone in your 'boat' is rowing and not drilling holes when you're not looking." In other words, know your circle. Familiarize yourself with the company you keep. Not every person who smiles at you and tells you nice things is your friend -- let alone someone in whom you should confide your biggest secrets. As I've stated in recent posts, some people are masterful at faking it. They're pretenders. It's not always easy to distinguish genuine people from fakers, but one of the telltale signs is when their actions don't seem to mirror their words. For example, in the workplace they may claim to be working hard, but that might not jell with the fact they're always trying to leave early or dump their work on subordinates. Then there are those friends who say they care about you, but never seem to spare a moment to call you or reply to your texts. Again, when what peo...

We've all been on terrible dates we have etched in our memory -- ones we wish we could undo with one snap of the fingers. When it comes to things that turn people off on dates, many people would agree that these rank pretty high on the list: 1. The person can't stop talking about themselves. They blather on about their car, job, or neighbor's cat, and you can't seem to get a word in edgewise no matter how hard you try. A person who's this self-absorbed and inconsiderate, needless to say, is not relationship material and should be weeded out. 2. They have bad manners. The first turn-off mentioned certainly falls into this camp. Beyond being a blabbermouth, the person might chew with their mouth open, look at their phone constantly, or flirt with the waiter/waitress. 3. They're argumentative. There's a fine line between putting your point across with conviction and trying to lock horns with your date just for the sake of proving you're right. 4...

The strongest people do what John Adams (1735-1826), the second president of the United States, advised us to do over 200 years ago: "Always stand on principle...even if you stand alone."  Put another way, Adams suggested that we stand up for what we believe in without ever giving in to pressure to change. Doing so isn't always easy, and few knew this better than Adams himself. For example, he was roundly criticized by his own party for trying to avert rather than push for war with France, which carried out a series of attacks on U.S. shipping between 1798 and 1800. Had he pursued the latter course, his Federalist party might have come out victorious in the Election of 1800 against Thomas Jefferson and the Democratic-Republicans, who sided with France. But Adams refused to let politics get in the way of his bedrock principles. His are words that we should all live by. While none of us want to ruffle people's feathers by not doing what they want or not th...

Whether you desire a career in journalism, a trip to China, or a relationship with a wonderful man, your dreams are never out of reach. As long as you work hard and never cease believing in yourself, you can achieve anything you aspire to. Rest assured, on the road to success, you will experience setbacks along the way that'll test your mettle. The key is never allowing such challenges to faze you. When you want something badly enough, nothing or no one can get in your way. Unfortunately, our own negative thinking is often the single biggest obstacle we're up against. For example, you might feel tempted to throw in the towel because: You're hard up on cash. You've applied for several promising jobs and seem to fall short each time. You've had bad luck with a string of recent dates, convincing you that you'll never find true love. Instead of calling it quits, why not use such struggles to drive you to work harder? Maybe you need to get somet...

If there's one thing I've learned in my observations of people, it's that many of them put looking good before being genuine, which is a huge mistake. They try to say the right things to win others' approval. They never admit they're wrong. Some even go so far as to change something about themselves just to appease a friend, love interest, or relative. In other words, preserving their image trumps qualities like sincerity and integrity. They try to live the kind of life society expects them to have, even though deep down it isn't the one they desire. They're lying to others -- and themselves. Moreover, they're willing to fake anything and everything about themselves just to appear more driven, more successful, more likable, or whatever it is they're aiming for. At the end of the day, none of us are perfect. We become wiser people through our experiences, which often include making mistakes we learn from and, hopefully, never repeat. If on...

Many people assume that if someone is quiet and unassuming, they must either be antisocial or have low self-esteem. But this couldn't be farther from the truth. Unfortunately, those who make such baseless characterizations may assume that there's something about them that the quiet individual doesn't like. In other words, they take it personally. Or, since they know little about them, the easiest thing to do is fill in the gaps themselves and label the person however they please. This demonstrates that the ones passing judgment are either insecure, or they can't help but attribute negative qualities to the person before getting to know them. The truth of the matter is that some of us take a little longer to warm up than others do. In the case of a new job, we may need a few weeks before we feel comfortable enough in to socialize more (about non-work related matters, that is) with peers. Some of us are introverted. This doesn't mean we loathe people, but ...

Whether you're on a date or talking to a potential suitor online for the first time, the wrong person for you is the one who compels you to act in unnatural ways just so you can gain their approval. Here are a few examples of ways we may project a phony representation of ourselves: You try to be funnier or more sociable than you really are.  You're dishonest about your past relationships, dreams, goals, and the like. You force yourself to like sushi, Harry Potter movies, or the Yankees just to impress him or her, even though none interest you at all.  In other words, you try to become someone you're not -- all for the sake of making a favorable impression on the other person. But do you honestly want the person you end up with to feel drawn to the person they think you are -- or the person you really are? Why would you go such lengths for an individual who could walk away tomorrow? That's just putting the relationship on shaky ground from the get go....

Many people find happiness more elusive than it should be. A happy moment is often a fleeting one for them because before long they are right back to thinking about the very things and people that dispirit them -- whether it's their job, ex boyfriend, or the laundry list of chores that awaits them when they get home. But happiness doesn't have to evade us. In fact, in can be a lot easier to achieve -- and sustain --than we think. Below are two ways to attain longer-lasting happiness. 1. Live in the present. Mother Teresa put it succintly: "Be happy in the moment -- that's enough. Each moment is all we need, not more." True happiness lies in the here and now, and we must guard against the temptation to escape mentally to the past or future when things in the present may not be going as smoothly as we like. Rest assured that as long as you remain positive and refuse to give up on yourself, your fortunes will turn around. You've navigated through stor...

We all possess a pretty amazing power. No, it's not the power to fly, shoot fireballs, or become invisible, even though those would definitely come in handy at times! We're instead endowed with the power to let go -- of people and things which bring us harm or fail to enrich our lives in meaningful ways. Many of us assume that we need to hold on to/perpetuate toxic relationships because we've known the people for a long time or we fear that others will not accept us as they did. Once a person becomes a mental or emotional burden in your life, that's when you know you're better of letting go. And waiting around for them to change is usually an exercise in futility. People hardly ever do. Additionally, once a job starts to suck you dry -- adversely affecting your physical and mental health -- that's a clear sign it's time to start looking for something else. No job is worth sacrificing your well-being for. Few people realize how powerful the abili...

Many people feel that if they're unsuccessful at something, they've failed -- not just themselves, but others as well. They take a defeatist attitude, convincing themselves that they're losers. They second-guess their decisions.  They beat themselves up over not trying hard enough.  They tell themselves that if only they had said this or done that, they might have prevailed.  I'm here to tell you this:  You don't lose. You either win, or you learn. For example, maybe you didn't get the job, but you realize you can polish your resume a bit and work on improving your interviewing skills. Perhaps you made a couple of uncouth remarks on your blind date that are likely to blame for the fact you never heard from the person again. This shows you that thinking before you speak might be something to shoot for.  Or, maybe you failed an exam you assumed you could pass by cramming for a few hours the night before, demonstrating how importan...

The key to a happier life, as Albert Einstein said, is to tie your life to a goal -- not to people or things. We all have goals we aim to achieve, from getting a degree to traveling around the world to losing weight to spending more time with our family. When you make your happiness contingent upon the acquisition of material possessions or the approval of others, the quality of your life takes a nosedive. For one, material stuff rusts, wears, and tears. Sure, it's always nice to get a new phone or car, but the novelty of the item dissipates quite fast. Before you know it, that phone or car is giving you problems. People who feel they have to be the first to obtain the latest and greatest gadgets will never be content, and it's likely because they're trying to stay ahead of their peers. In the end, buying loads of expensive products you may not even need does nothing but eat away at your bank account and credit. Typing your happiness to other people is similarly ...

The right man or woman will love you for your heart and mind, and not just for your body or wallet. Above all else, he or she will value your top character traits, whether that be kindness, faithfulness, loyalty, intelligence, integrity, or a great sense of humor. A good man gives precedence to a woman's feelings, goals, and passions over the size of her breasts and how good she is in the sack. A good woman focuses on ways his qualities complement hers rather than how much money she can wring from him. (And let's not make the dangerous mistake of pigeonholing men and women into traditional gender roles. Some women can be just as superficial as men when it comes to looks, and some men are on a mission to find only sugar mamas.) But we'd be remiss if we didn't concede that physical appearance and financial resources do count to a certain degree. Would most of us want to go on a date with someone who's 300 pounds overweight, broke, and deeply in debt? Pro...

Never stoop to the level of people who are mean and unkind. Instead, be the better person. Exhibit the kind of behavior they ought to emulate. Be a role model. Never give these people the satisfaction of behaving just like them. Don't lash out and seek out revenge, which is precisely the reaction they're trying to elicit in you. Remember, misery loves company, so they'll strike at nothing to have their bad mood/attitude rub off on you. Keep smiling. Keep enjoying your life. Show them that their rotten ways will never rain on your parade. Hopefully, they'll soon come to their senses and realize how childish they're being. And do not blame yourself for others' behavior. It's their problem, not yours. Chances are, they are battling deep-seated feelings of insecurity and trying to take it out on others. When someone's self-esteem is in the gutter, it can drive them to do and say things they later come to regret. Try to remain calm and stron...