How To Understand People

How to Understand People delves into human behavior and explores why people act in sometimes-unusual ways. One of those oddities is the fact that no matter what we obtain and how much of it, we always seem to be striving for something more. The novelty of consumer goods like watches and television sets wears off rather quickly, and it isn't long before we're in search of the next best thing. Women with straight hair long for curly hair, and vice versa. People in cities where it gets very cold in the winter time wish they lived in sun-drenched, humid Miami. Time-starved parents wish they had the luxury of being able to relax at will. In other words, we always seem to want what we can't have. Sometimes people spend so much time yearning for what they can't get that they fail to appreciate what's in front of them, hence the phrase "you don't know what you've got until it's gone." We may get like this when, for example, a friend buys a nice...

Studies suggest that couples who share the same interests go on to have longer, more fruitful relationships. You would think that if couples have disparate interests ("opposites attract"), they can keep the relationship fresh and exciting. But this just isn't so, at least not over the long haul. If you love baseball while your partner digs foreign art, you'll eventually bicker when it comes to deciding what to do on a given night. Sure, the art of compromise is still alive and well, but couples whose interests diverge too widely will often find themselves growing apart before they know it. This can be broadened to include personal views on everything from religion and politics to the environment. Personality also comes into play, as I've noted in earlier posts. If your idea of a fun Saturday night is staying in and reading by the fireplace while your partner would much rather hit the nightclub, you're both in for a bumpy ride. Again, sharing simila...

We've all heard the phrase "misery loves company." Indeed, some people actually like seeing others struggling or unhappy in general. But why? Generally, those who fall into this group are unhappy with one or more aspects of their own lives, and it makes them feel better to know someone else is in the same boat. Is it any wonder that message boards and support groups are more popular than ever before? If things aren't going well for you, the last thing you may care to witness is a happy event in someone else's life. For example, if you just got fired and learn that your best friend got a promotion, you might be tempted to undermine his accomplishment by telling him that companies truthfully don't value their employees, and that he'll always be in danger of being fired nonetheless. Many parents who come to regret having children may try to pressure their childfree friends into having kids of their own -- not so their friends can experience the many ...

In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln declared the last Thursday of November to be a national day of thanksgiving. Though President Franklin Roosevelt issued a proclamation in the 1940s establishing that Thanksgiving day would fall on the second to last Thursday of November, he would later sign a bill into law stating that Thanksgiving would be observed on the fourth Thursday of the month. It's great that, on this day, most people stop to give thanks for all they have. But being grateful for one's blessings, in my view, should be an everyday thing. Many people spend more time yearning for things they don't have than being grateful for the things and people already in their lives. We mustn't forget there are a lot of people who are less fortunate than we are, and who would kill to be in our shoes for a day. What makes the holiday season special is that it not only gives us an opportunity to give thanks, but it propels us to give to others. Everyone talks about spreadi...

We've all been in situations where we feel totally out of our element, and this can happen for a number of reasons. At some point you've likely felt out of place because the people around you: Were lot older or younger than you All had kids while you don't, or vice-versa Were of the opposite sex Were all discussing something you had no knowledge of or interest in (sports, shopping, etc.) These situations generally play out in certain settings. It can happen quite often at work, since many of the people with which we're forced to work -- whether because of age, life stage, or other factors -- would not be the kinds of people we'd hang out with on weekends.  It can also be seen at family gatherings. When my sisters and I were younger, I had a lot more in common with them -- and we even shared some of the same hobbies. Their having babies threw a monkey wrench of sorts into the works. Now I see them as strangers who focus solely on their kids at every ga...

I realize this isn't the first time I've written on this topic, but it's something that continues to boggle my mind more and more with each passing day. Why does society pressure us so much into following a certain course of action -- that is, the route everyone else has taken? Just the other day, my coworker heard me saying I wanted to get a cat instead of a dog and gave me a 10-minute spiel on why getting a dog is the right choice. A mom of two, she based her argument on the assumption that my wife and I will have kids someday, and so she gave me her "mommy perspective." It's astonishing how people just assume things this way. Most people think everyone aims for the big-house-with-white-picket-fence-plus-three-kids--and-two-dogs deal, but that just isn't always the case. In addition to wanting a cat instead of a dog, here are a few other ways I might be going against the grain: I want to buy a condo, not a house (cheaper and less maintenance) I...

Have you noticed that when someone is a little different in some way -- whether he be a virgin, non-drinker, or what have you -- others do whatever they can to try to "convert" him so that he can be more like them? This I find rather disturbing. It's very similar to the peer pressure we confronted in grade school to smoke weed and join the "cool club." People become disarmed and unsettled when someone is different in some way because it makes them question some of their own tendencies and decisions. I know various couples who had children at an early age and are always prodding newlyweds to have their own -- despite the pairs making it clear that they wish to enjoy their marriage for a few years and hold off on parenthood. Then there are those who pressure virgins to lose their virginity and non-drinkers to take a swig here and there. Why is it so hard for people to accept that these individuals may be set in their ways and may very well decide to fo...

Sometimes we question what the purpose of our lives really is. We get stuck in ruts, or, even worse, we hit rough patches where nothing seems to go right and ask ourselves, "Is there more to life than this?" What we have to remember is that storms eventually pass. We need to stay focused on the things that really matter to us life. Those things obviously vary from person to person, but we all strive toward achieving goals that make life purposeful. My goals in life include: Loving my wife and family and being there for them as much as I can Helping the less fortunate Helping animals, about which I am passionate Learning as much as I can, especially about the subjects that interest me the most (psychology and history) Living below my means Becoming as good a writer as I can possibly be, and writing a book someday Your goals may be to strike it rich, support the environment, and help find a cure for a certain disease. That's the beauty of life. We all hav...

All of us have had bad experiences we'd prefer to bury away and never reflect upon again. But can bad memories actually serve a good purpose? They certainly can if our aim is to better ourselves and strive to overcome obstacles that may have seemed insurmountable in the past. For example, I've gone through bouts of weight gain throughout my life. When I was in elementary school, I was even teased about my weight by a few kids. This only strengthened my resolve to shed a good amount of weight and show my fellow classmates that I was capable of achieving what I set my mind to. A few years ago, I found myself well over fifty pounds overweight. One day, while looking in the mirror, flashes of those hurtful days in elementary school came to mind. I vowed that not only would I get in shape, but I would never let myself go again. I'm glad to report that I've made good on that promise to this day. My point is that triggering painful memories can actually make you stro...

There's nothing like spending lots of quality time with your partner. But how much time is too much? How to Understand People is here to answer that question. Though being attached at the hip may sound like it can be beneficial to the relationship, this couldn't be further from the truth. Couples who spend inordinate amounts of time together are more likely to argue and go through bouts of boredom. The thing is that when you're around the same person all day, you're likely to get stuck in a routine; day in and day out, you hit up the same restaurants and shops, watch the same shows, and so on. It's always good to keep the element of surprise alive and well in a relationship. Every once in a while, you should aim to inject the relationship with a healthy dose of spontaneity. Guys, surprise your lady by taking her to a new restaurant on the other side of town, or by planning a weekend getaway to a beautiful hotspot your wife occasionally brings up in conversati...

Here's a message for single men as well as those in relationships: Like everything else in life, being nice should be done moderately. As crazy as this may sound, women neither want nor expect you to be nice, sweet, and romantic 24/7. If you do this with the intention of getting laid or having her fall in love with you, you will fail miserably! You can be nice and respectful without overdoing it. What is overdoing it? Well, you are sure to lose her respect and get even less hibbity dibbity if you opt not to: Stand your ground and defend your positions Call her out on her screw-ups so as not to "offend" her Take the lead in the bedroom; women like men who know what they're doing, and most of them like "rough and tumble" Keep her on the edge of her feet; unpredictability keeps her wondering what you'll do next and actually draws her closer to you Have your own hobbies outside of the relationship View her as enhancing your life instead of comp...

You hear it time and time again: Looks don't matter; it's the inside that counts. Unfortunately, that's just a bunch of malarkey. If looks don't matter, why is it that: We flinch at the sight of a "disgusting" rat or roach, but we go gaga over kittens and puppies Employers generally choose better-looking job candidates for positions Studies show that good-looking people are perceived as friendlier and more intelligent than less attractive ones Women spend hundreds if not thousands of dollars each year on plastic surgery, makeup, and other methods of "beautification" Attractive individuals -- including models, athletes, and celebrities -- pervade all kinds of advertisements, including magazine ads and commercials When something -- or someone -- is pleasing to the eye, we naturally gravitate towards it. Saying that it's the inside that counts is true and certainly noble, but society has become far too shallow to really live by that mo...

Judging from what people seeking my advice tell me, it seems relationships fall apart for three key reasons: 1. Lack of trust: Whether because of lying or cheating, it isn't always easy to restore trust once it's been compromised. When it gets to the point where you simply can't confide in the other person, the relationship is doomed to fail. 2. Lack of communication: Problems in the relationship that stem from a lack of trust (see #1) can sometimes be resolved when people put their feelings on the table and are open to compromise. But when even open communication isn't feasible, it signals that the relationship may be on its last legs. 3. Getting too lazy and comfortable: Once we've been with someone for a long time, it's normal to become complacent in the relationship. Gone are the days when you worked on your physique to impress your partner and surprised her with flowers and candlelight dinners. In order to keep the relationship from stagnating, it...

It's a common occurrence these days for married people to get hit on by singles. Apparently, that ring on the finger does little to deter these relentless individuals. So why does this happen? For starters, we've all heard the phrase "you want what you can't have." Married people are off the market, but that seems to make them all the more irresistible in the eyes of the unshackled. It's like that forbidden fruit you shouldn't touch, but have a hard time resisting. Second, what makes a married person more attractive is the mere fact that someone liked him or her enough to make a long-term commitment. That immediately raises the person's value in the flirt's book, not to mention the fact that married people are more sexually experienced. Next, people do it because they've convinced themselves that nothing wrong will come of such behavior. They think along these lines: "Hey, it's just a little harmless flirting. He'll go home...