How To Understand People

One of the most disconcerting trends I've noticed in the dating world concerns people who go on dates with others despite not being interested in them. After the date, they remain in contact with the individual, giving the impression that they look forward to going on future dates with them even though they have no intention of doing so. In fact, they may very well be going on dates with other men or women in the meantime. So, why not just tell the person they're no longer interested? Why string them along at all? Reasons can be quite varied: They've just ended a relationship and wish for another's company.  They are not attracted to the person, but still relish the attention.  They see the potential for a budding friendship.  They already have their eye on someone they have yet to snag, so they use other dates as temporary stand-ins.  I don't blame people for not having feelings for someone else. After all, the heart wants what it ...

There are those in our lives whom we consider genuinely good people. They're positive, helpful, accommodating. They've been there for us when we've needed them. We deem them a definite enhancement to our lives. It's for this reason we may be astonished to find that they're single, and chances are they've been a bachelor or bachelorette for quite a while. "But they'd make the perfect catch," we tell ourselves or others with bewilderment. We later discover it isn't that they can't land a date, for their good looks and charisma have been known to draw a healthy number of prospects. It's that they're super picky. We might try to fix them up with someone we know, but they always seem to find fault with something, and it is usually in the domain of attractiveness. For example, some women refuse to date men who are not taller than them. Then there are men who will not give the time of day to a woman who goes beyond a certain ...

No matter what we aspire to accomplish in life, we must never allow our fear of failure to override our goals -- however lofty they may seem. Let us not let our comfort zones confine us. Let us not allow self-doubt to undermine our will to succeed! We can do anything we set our hearts and minds to. Sure, we may not succeed the first, second, or even the fifth time. And success may entail making major sacrifices that take a heavy physical and emotional toll on us. But if we want it badly enough, we shall prevail. No matter how many times life tries to throw a monkey wrench in the works, we find a way around such hurdles. We see setbacks not as a sign that it may be time to call it quits, but as an opportunity to reaffirm our commitment to the cause. And we mustn't allow the naysayers in our midst -- even when the detractor is ourselves -- dissuade us from forging ahead. Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, remind yourself of how far you've come...

It goes without saying that people should never try to hurt others deliberately. Even if someone has hurt or deceived you first -- say, by spreading a rumor about you or cheating on you -- seeking retribution isn't going to make you feel better. If anything, you would be stooping down to their level, making the resentment you feel toward them fester longer. Instead, show you're above such pettiness by speaking privately with them and reaffirming your expectations. If they apologize for what they did, and you wish to salvage the relationship, make it clear to them that you will not carry on unless you're given the respect you deserve. If they do not apologize, or if you're simply at wit's end, make it clear that you want nothing to do with them anymore. (Walking away without declaring your intentions is also your prerogative.) If you want to convey that you're fed up with someone, indifference is far more effective than getting all worked up, as the l...

Ah, the famous (or infamous) grass is greener syndrome. We've all fallen prey to it at one point or another. In case you're not certain what it means: When one questions whether the grass is greener on the other side, they contemplate if there are better options out there for them. And, of course, one will never know if the grass is greener -- if circumstances will in fact be more favorable -- unless they take a particular course of action. So a certain element of risk is certainly involved. There are two primary areas where we are confronted with the grass is greener dilemma: jobs and relationships. 1. Jobs: Most of us do not detest our jobs per se, but from time to time, we wonder whether there is something better out there for us. Perhaps we have outgrown our current role and picture ourselves in a higher position, earning more money and receiving better benefits. Or maybe we envision working for a better boss, or at a bigger company, or in a different industry a...

Just because someone in your life doesn't care for you -- or disingenuously says they do, but never shows it -- doesn't mean you should forget about the special people in your life who demonstrably hold you in high esteem. As a matter of fact, it should make you more grateful for the latter than you were before. We've all found ourselves in situations where people we care deeply about don't seem to reciprocate such feelings. Perhaps it's a partner who wants out of the relationship, or a friend who has been taking you for granted. We become so obsessed with trying to rationalize their motives that we may neglect the wonderful people in our lives who have been there for us when we've needed them. In other words, we want what we can't have, and risk losing what we already have. Let's face it. People who genuinely care for us would never put us through such hoops. If someone treats you as disposable -- telegraphing that they have much big...

There are no regrets in life -- only lessons learned. Regretting that which is now in the past -- and thus cannot be changed -- serves absolutely no purpose but to make us feel dejected. Learn from your mistakes so that you're not doomed to repeat them. In that way, you're actually channeling all that negativity into something positive and constructive. Regrets, then, can help facilitate growth so long as we have the right mindset. Let's suppose you cheated on a wonderful man or woman -- a terrible mistake you refuse to forgive yourself for. If you already apologized to your ex and have pledged to remain faithful to future partners, what more can you really do? Move on, and if you've learned anything from your misstep, you'll know not to jeopardize a relationship ever again. The same reasoning applies to missed job opportunities, friendships gone awry, or any other situations that would have turned out much more favorably had you behaved differently. ...

How often have you come across someone -- whether at school, work, the grocery store, or even on Facebook -- who tries to meddle in your business? Perhaps you've just been laid off or come out of a tumultuous relationship, or maybe you've lost someone dear to you. Some people are hardly satisfied in just knowing why you've seen better days; they press you for more details despite your showing a desire to be left alone. Why are they this way? While some may be driven by a genuine yearning to comfort you, others may simply be nosy. Make no mistake about it: Certain individuals are constantly comparing themselves to others although doing so -- unbeknownst to them, perhaps -- only makes them less happy in the end. Sadly, some of these people take pleasure in other's misfortunes, and still others use it as fodder for gossip. Thus the reason I always advise my readers not to disclose too much information to others. If it falls into the wrong hands, it can open...

There are certain people in our lives whom we see on a daily basis, or thereabouts -- from our coworkers to the mailman to our partner. But just what effect does seeing these individuals every day have on us? Do they become more endearing to us over time, or do we eventually grow tired of seeing them? While the dynamics of the relationship comes into play (e.g., a toxic vs. caring boss, a fruitful marriage vs. a lousy one), the answer, according to social psychology, is both. In the 1960s, Robert Zajonc coined and demonstrated the mere exposure effect. As the name implies, mere exposure creates a positive bias toward a stimulus. The effect explains why you might find yourself humming a song you loathed the first time you heard it. The propinquity effect is the mere-exposure effect when applied to social contexts. In other words, we become friends with people in terms of functional or spatial proximity. In one study, residents of an apartment building were four times more li...

This crazy rollercoaster ride we call life is unequivocally, as Ralph Waldo Emerson put it, a journey, not a destination. Indeed, it's not so much about where we end up as it is how we got there. How many times have you gone on road trips, only to reflect more fondly on the time spent making your way there -- cracking jokes with friends, singing songs with the family, exploring the outdoors -- than the destination in question? We have a tendency to focus so hard on the end goal that we seldom stop to appreciate the incremental steps that get us there. For example, we or someone we know likely wishes to lose weight. It can be easy to become fixed on losing, say, 50 pounds as soon as possible. But as sweet as achieving that goal will be, chances are we will come to miss the feeling of working toward their target. The elation that comes from losing five pounds and looking forward to doubling that number. The same goes for college students who assert that graduation can...