How To Understand People

Alexander Hamilton (1755-1804), the first treasury secretary of the United States and the subject of the hit Broadway musical Hamilton, once said: "Those who stand for nothing fall for anything." Hamilton sure hit the nail on the head with that one. I understand that not everyone is naturally bold and assertive. Many of us -- particularly the ones who call ourselves introverts -- hate drawing any attention to ourselves. It isn't a matter of changing your personality, for as I've stressed in other posts, you should never change your personality just to appease other people. It's about standing up for yourself when people level criticisms at you that are unfair or blatantly false. It's about defending yourself against insults to your character. It's about not letting someone get away with trying to sully your reputation. But Hamilton's quote goes beyond merely standing up for oneself. Maybe there's a cause you're deeply passionate a...

There are two kinds of people who give excuses when it comes to establishing or maintaining contact with you: (1) Those who give excuses for why they can't call, text, or visit you, and (2) Those who come up with excuses to call, text, or visit you. Notice the difference? While the former can sometimes serve up valid reasons (e.g., have to take care of kid, have to do work at home, etc.), if the weeks continue to go by and the person doesn't bother to answer your texts or return your calls, face it -- they just don't care enough about the relationship. The latter group shows the exact opposite. Come hell or high water, they find a way to squeeze some time into their schedule for the two of you to catch up because they value you and do not want the relationship to falter. A little distance is commonplace even in the healthiest relationships. We all lead different lives with disparate schedules and changing priorities. But that doesn't mean a brief phone call ...

Ugh... fake people . We all have a couple of them in our midst -- perhaps at work, in school, or via Facebook. They wear different masks depending on the situation and context. They change  their attitudes, opinions, and stories whenever they know it will benefit them. They'll do and say just about anything to look good in front of others. And they can't be trusted . The moment you tell them something in confidence, they turn around and spill the beans. They'll step on your toes just to get ahead. They'll pretend to be your friends, then throw you under the bus when you're not around. They're backstabbing opportunists . They'll post a barrage of Facebook updates in which they gloat about their vacations, meals, cars, and jewelry. They pretend to have the perfect life in an attempt to make others jealous. Little do these fake people know that there are some highly perceptive individuals out there who can see right through their little charad...

When it comes to romance, we all have different taste. And that's definitely a good thing, because otherwise we'd be chasing after the same people! Some of us are attracted to tall people. Some of us like quiet and bookish. Still others are drawn to gregarious athletic types. There is, however, a certain type of individual you should never fall in love with, and that is the kind who doesn't seem to know what they want in a partner. You never know where you stand with these people. No sooner do they give you the impression that they're interested in finally settling down with you than they back away. They're afraid of commitment -- plain and simple. They appear to always keep an eye out for "something better" that may come along. Just when you think you're becoming a priority in their life, you realize you're still an option. Unfortunately, some of us can't help but fall for people who turn out to be this way. In the beginning, they ...

Worry about your character , not your reputation . Your character is who you are . Your reputation is who people think you are . Stop for a moment and ask yourself this: Do you care more about what you think of yourself, or what people think of you? I sincerely hope it isn't the latter.  For one, no one has ever stepped or walked in your shoes but you. So, really, who are they to judge?  People can perceive you as being a certain way -- whether shy, obnoxious, self-centered, lazy, or dull. But perception, as you well know, isn't always reality. Our individual experiences shape us into the people we are, and people will never know the full extent of those experiences because they weren't there. And even if they were, they didn't live through them exactly as you did.  Why care about what someone thinks about you if they may turn your back on you or leave your life at any moment? Sure, there are people in our lives who mean a great deal to us ...

When life has you feeling down on yourself -- whether it's because you're stressed at work or beset by problems in your marriage -- letting go is usually the first step toward getting things back on track. Here are some ways you can let go and infuse your life with positivity: Let go of what you thought should happen and live in what's happening. Let go of your grudges, for they will only cause the resentment and bitterness in you to fester. Let go of your notions of how people should think or behave in a given situation, for the higher you set your expectations of others, the more likely it is they'll fail to meet them. Let go of feelings of envy or jealousy you may feel toward those whom you perceive as more accomplished. Rather than compare yourself to others, compare yourself to the person you were six months ago or a year ago -- for that is a far better benchmark for measuring progress. Let go of the past. It's behind you now. All you can do is ta...

Sometimes it's hard to accept the fact that certain people whom we were once very close to know nothing about our lives anymore. I've noted the reasons why people can drift apart in other posts. Some of those include: A major life change (marriage, kids, etc.) Someone moves far away A job change that places major demands on the person  One person begins to hang out with a different crowd When both people experience such lifestyle changes simultaneously (e.g., both graduate from college at the same time), the changes don't feel nearly as drastic, and the adjustment process can is almost seemless. But when only one person changes course, the other is often left with a major void in his or her life. This happened to me a few years ago. My closest friend -- the best man at my wedding, in fact -- moved to a city 5 hours away from me. Though we see each other occasionally, our friendship hasn't been the same since. If I'm lucky, I'm able to get ...

Some of my readers have asked me how they can gauge whether their relationship is built to last. Those who are currently single have similarly wondered what the keys to a fruitful relationship are. To both camps I respond as follows: While there is no such thing as the perfect relationship, you know yours has the potential to last a lifetime if the two of you connect on four fundamental levels: (1) physically (2) emotionally (3) mentally and (4) spiritually . Below I touch upon what each connection entails. Physical connection:  While looks are certainly not the most important facet of a romantic relationship, they still count to a certain degree. You don't need a partner who looks like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie to appreciate their beautiful eyes, nice legs, smooth skin, or wonderful smile. In other words, while the person may not be a "10" on the attractiveness scale, they still have physical assets that you, as their partner, can admire. But we needn't plac...

The principal reason why we expect too much from others is because we are often willing to do the same -- if not more -- for them, but they just don't share our disposition. As often happens in relationships, one person is far more invested than the other. For example, one person in particular is always proposing outings, sending texts, liking Facebook posts, and offering to lend a hand whenever it's needed. The other isn't as actively engaged, sometimes vanishing for weeks (if not months) on end. Once the other person grows accustomed to this, he or she might simply check out, believing that everything is well under control. They just expect to be catered to. You can never assume that the other person -- whether it's your friend or partner -- will bring to the relationship the same level of energy and willingness to please that you do. They may claim to be busy with work, family, or other priorities. (As I stressed in a recent post, however, people will find th...

You should never have to beg other people for anything -- whether it be their love, time, guidance, or affection. If it doesn't come from their heart, why should you have to force them to be more responsive to your needs? A good friend, partner, or relative is there for you with open arms when you need them. They don't have to be prodded repeatedly into lending a hand because they jump into action at a moment's notice. They don't make excuses for why they can't help you out. Instead, they go the extra mile for you, even if it's an inconvenience for them. Sure, there may be times where people might not be of much help because of special circumstances -- they're traveling, they're overwhelmed at work, they're at a special family function. But if this individual seems to run for the hills anytime you wish to see them or you need a favor, it raises serious questions: 1. What are they trying to get out of the friendship/relationship? 2. Ar...

Don't let other people stop you from achieving your goals. Don't let other people stop you from fulfilling your potential. Don't let others stop you from doing whatever makes you happy. Don't let others stop you from crying, venting, or defending yourself when you need to. Do whatever your gut tells you to do. Others may not like it, but it's your life. No one knows you like you know yourself, so they have absolutely no right to dictate your choices for you. You may be worried that leaving your job for another will inconvenience your boss. You may be concerned that breaking up with your boyfriend, even if you know in your heart that it's the right thing to, will hurt him, so you hold back. You might be skittish about buying the house down the street rather than the one on the next block that your doting aunt recommended. Guess what? It isn't even about other people. You have the power to make decisions in your life without others' conse...

Know why people judge others? For starters, they seem to forget that they themselves are not perfect. They don't like others to judge them unfairly, and yet that's precisely what they're doing. They live each day under the false premise that they are somehow "better" than others, which entitles them to pass judgment on people they may not even know that well. In the absence of information, they can only go by what they see. So if the person casting a critical eye notices another wearing, say, a "tacky" sweater, they might assume the person is poor or lacks any fashion sense. In the worst cases, they might go a step further and speculate that the person has a lousy love life. As I've noted before, some people try to compensate for their own perceived shortcomings by focusing on those they "detect" in others. In fact, they may even attribute their own flaws and weaknesses to other people -- a defense mechanism known as projection. I...

How people treat other people is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves . If they treat others with kindness and respect, chances are they respect and are kind and compassionate with themselves as well. If, however, they treat others terribly, deep down they're likely unhappy with themselves and, more generally, with the life they lead overall. Narcissists tend to fall under this category because even though they may project an air of self-confidence, they're really trying to overcompensate for self-doubt and low self-esteem. It's been said that misery loves company. If people are feeling miserable, they often look for ways to upset others so those negative vibes can rub off on them. Maybe they tell you that you look fat in that dress, they leave you hanging with no explanation after you both agreed to meet up for drinks, or they reel off a list of your past mistakes -- all to get under your skin. Sure, you might  simply catch someone at the wrong m...

There are people in our lives who couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone and call or text us, no matter how many messages we've left for them. Chasing after them sends the message that, in spite of their cool detachment, you're going to continue pressing them for a response. Essentially, you're rewarding them for their unseemly behavior. Do they really deserve this special treatment? Absolutely not! If you've done your part to try to get in touch, the ball is in their court. Make it clear that you have your own priorities to worry about and that your world doesn't revolve around them. If taking a stand spells the end of that relationship, so be it. Your time will be much better spent on people who show an interest in you and make a conscious effort to maintain contact. Getting the cold shoulder from our partner, a friend, or a relative can be quite painful and perplexing, especially if it's someone we were once very close to. But just like t...

When someone truly cares about you, they look for reasons to talk to and be with you rather than excuses not to . Ever heard the saying, "If there's a will, there's a way"? Someone's effort -- or lack thereof -- is a reflection of their interest in you. Time is our most precious commodity in that it's the only thing we can't get back once it's gone. That being said, if a person chooses not carve out any of that time for you, what they're essentially saying is, "You're not worth my time." They may insist they really do care about you and want to see you, but they just "don't have the time." Then, a day or so later, they might post pictures of themselves with other people on Facebook, gushing about the great time they're having. A person's actions always reveal their truest, innermost feelings. Don't believe what people tell you until they've backed those words with their deeds. If they really ...

We all know or have met at least one person who never seems too worked up over anything. They appear calm and relaxed every time you see and talk to them. They keep themselves from getting wrapped up in drama or conflict, whether in the office or at home. Some people might say the person is probably content with their life, so there's absolutely no need for them to make waves and fix what isn't broken. Others may have a different opinion; they might surmise that the person is likely sad and that his or her life could use an infusion of fun and excitement. So who's right? One thing to keep in mind is that we don't know exactly what this individual is going through in his or her life, and it's possible we may not have a good grasp on their personality. What we can say is that if the person cares little to nothing about the following things, chances are he or she is in fact leading a happy life: What others think of them Having the "perfect life...

Never allow anyone to invalidate or minimize how you feel. If you feel something, those feelings are real to you and ought to be respected. No one else can know exactly how you feel because no other person has been in your very shoes! No one else lives in your body. No one else sees life through your eyes. No one has the same interests, fears, quirks, and goals. No one shares your personality. No one has lived through the same experiences you have. That's why no one has the power to dictate or judge what you feel. Your feelings matter; never should they be dismissed or mocked. You deserve to be heard because your feelings are inherently valid. Don't allow anyone to make you believe otherwise! People are entitled to their own opinions, but not to their own facts. Though they may offer well-intentioned advice, they don't get to decide whether your feelings are justified in a given situation -- no matter how much life experience/wisdom they may claim to have. No tw...

Some people become heavily invested in their relationships -- almost to a fault. In fact, they seem to forget there's actually a world outside of them. They lose sight of the fact that the other person in the relationship -- whether it's their friend, parent, or significant other -- is not attached to them at the hip; the person is still a separate individual with his or her own goals, dreams, fears, hobbies, and personality. No one likes feeling as though they're being surveilled or suffocated. Unfortunately, though, many of us contend with a partner who lets his or her insecurities come out through these two particular behaviors: 1. They're controlling. A possessive partner wants to dictate everything from what you eat and how you dress to who you can talk to and when you should come home. They treat you more like a child than as an adult, not allowing you to make your own decisions. Unfortunately, people can be this way for a variety of reasons. They may fe...

If one thing is for sure, it's that not everyone is going to like us. Some people will find us annoying. Others will deem us rude. Still others will think we're conceited, messy, obnoxious, dumb, stingy, or lazy. And it doesn't really matter whether any of these labels have merit or are entirely baseless. All that matters is how we're perceived. Perception is, in fact, reality in the eyes of those who may not know us all that well. If not a single person has a beef with you -- if you feel everyone you know holds you in high esteem -- it boils down to one of two things: (1) They're lying. (2) You're in denial, or in the dark. Someone in our circle -- whomever it may be -- takes issue with something about us, whether it be our religious or political beliefs, our weight, our choice of partner or career, our hobbies, our favorite foods, and so forth. Granted, someone can like you and, say, still clash with you when it comes to politics. But to say th...

It's easy to see the many ways that relationships -- whether with friends, family members, coworkers, or significant others -- add value to our life. In a healthy relationship, both individuals give and receive love, affection, kindness, compassion, advice, and support. Both invest the time and energy to make the other feel special and acknowledged. Neither takes the other for granted or bolts at the first sign of trouble, whether in the relationship or outside of it. A toxic relationship, on the other hand, is suffused with negativity and riddled with conflict. Distrust snowballs into deep resentment. Lying, lambasting, and lashing out become par for the course. While occasional arguments are normal in a relationship and can be beneficial in the sense that both people learn to work toward achieving common ground, too much fighting can escalate to the point where (1) both individuals are at each other's throats (2) they grow so disillusioned that they stop caring altoge...

According to a recent survey conducted by health insurance firm Cigna, social media can in fact make us lonely. It all depends on how engaged one is on such platforms. If you're passively using it -- say, scrolling News Feeds and mindlessly checking out what people are commenting on each other's posts -- it could very well lead to negative outcomes like depression and loneliness. But if you're considerably more active -- reaching out and connecting to people to facilitate eventual face-to-face interactions -- social media can be beneficial. The findings held across all age groups. What's more, respondents who said they have more in-person interactions on a daily basis reported being less lonely. Further, the survey unearthed that working too much or too little is also associated with the experience of loneliness. There's no question that people should work in-person interactions into their schedule. While social media has made it easier to keep in to...