How To Understand People

Relationships are diminished when partners get into the habit of making assumptions. People say facetiously that when you assume, you "make an ass out of you and me." Rather than make assumptions, people should: Find the courage to ask questions, even tough ones. Openly express their needs, wants, and feelings. Communicate as clearly as possible so as to avoid drama and bickering.  Resist the urge to pretend to know what the other individual is thinking.  Making assumptions falls into the same category as playing games.  If you don't know how your partner feels on a given issue, just ask. If asking doesn't yield answers, then there are definite communication problems that need addressing.  In a healthy relationship, partners are glad to bounce ideas off one another and work together to arrive at solutions to problems in the relationship.  Without a strong system of communication in place, partners may potentially distrust one another, ...

When it's all said and done, we will only regret the chances we didn't take. Worse than regretting the things we have done is regretting not having done something. Imagine spending your whole life wondering whether you could have achieved a particular goal. That "what if" feeling can certainly come back to haunt us every now and then. We may comfort ourselves by saying things like "it wasn't meant to be," but deep down, we just never know. Whether it's asking out the girl you've been in love with since the 3rd grade, jumping out of an airplane, or starting your own business, chances are it's a debilitating fear of failure that is keeping you from striving toward your goal. When you doubt yourself and imagine the worst, you've essentially given up before you've begun. And the only surefire way to fail is to give up. If you try and fall short, you haven't failed -- you've merely learned a lesson. We must aim to...

Have you ever felt desperate to jump into a relationship -- whether out of fear of loneliness, pressure from peers or family members, or merely to have someone around for special occasions like Christmas and Valentine's Day? I can understand the yearning to have someone at your side, experiencing the highs and lows of life with you. Having a partner can offer myriad benefits. It's great to have a shoulder to lean on/ear to listen to you on those really tough days, just as it is to have a partner to share in your successes. Assuming one has a wonderful partner who goes out of his or her way to make them happy, a companion can undoubtedly be a blessing. But no one should jump into a relationship unless/until they feel the time is right. Your friends may try to hook you up with an acquaintance whom you don't necessarily deem attractive or your type. Maybe you're talking to a guy online who wants to move a little faster than you feel is appropriate. Always let...

If you sense that you're worthless to someone, don't fret. Smile, because you're priceless to someone else! To the world you may be just a tiny, insignificant speck. But to one person, you may be nothing less than the world. Even though we might have good,  caring people in our lives, many of us become preoccupied with the ones who treat us like dirt. We go to great lengths to rationalize why they're behaving this way, especially if we can't put a finger on what we ever did wrong. We let their mood sour ours. We call and text them numerous times in the vain hope that they will give us the time of day. In short. we let them get the best of us -- but why should we? Your value doesn't decrease just because someone is unable to see your worth. And just because someone perceives you as being of little worth doesn't mean others see you that way. In fact, if you have friends, family, and/or a partner who count you among the most important people ...

Breakups can be unexpected and emotionally taxing. But every now and then, two former partners decide it give it another shot. The pair may very well feel that they're happier together, having realized during their time apart that their lives aren't as rich without the other person. Perhaps they tried dating a few others beforehand but none could hold a candle to their old flame. Friends or relatives of the two considering reuniting may advise against the move, claiming it's a train wreck waiting to happen. Others may be a little bit more sanguine about their prospects, possibly intimating that they never felt the lovebirds should part ways. The reason why they broke up in the first place should always be factored in. For example, if someone cheated, can the other person really trust them? Similarly, if someone broke things off because, say, they needed space, or for undisclosed reasons, who's to say they won't do it again? Partners have every righ...

How many people do you know who only appear when they're in some kind of a bind? Here are a few examples you can probably relate to: They broke up with their boyfriend, and now they're reaching out to you nearly every day. But while they were in their relationship, they acted as if you didn't matter. They had a falling out with a few friends, and now they've suddenly surfaced. However, when things were peachy with their buddies, you couldn't seem to get a hold of them. And how about those we only hear from when they need a favor? Whether it's that they need money or help moving, they seem to vanish off the face of the earth once they get what they need. What do the three scenarios above have in common? They describe users to a tee. If someone wants nothing to do with you when things are going well in their lives, that should make you question why they wish to maintain any kind of relationship. Perhaps they see you as convenient to have around bec...

In the last couple of months, a few of my readers have reached out to me seeking advice on how to cope with the fact that a relationship that once held great promise has imploded completely. They imagined themselves spending their entire lives with their partner, so coming to terms with the harsh reality that the individual didn't turn out as they expected and is no longer around has been immensely difficult.  They feel anxious, depressed, and lost. Despite the fact that they realize the person isn't right for them (as much as they wish they were), and that going their separate ways is for the best, a part of them clings to the hope that they can patch things up.  This prompts them to reach out to their ex against their better instincts. They keep looking for a sign -- one moment, one conversation -- to convince them that things are on the mend.  Alas, that sign never seems to come.  The more they talk, the more my readers seem to argue with the...

Allow me to commence this post by posing a question: Do you judge attractive people to be nicer or smarter than less attractive people? (Now, I know people have different taste, but let's assume, for the purpose of this hypothetical situation at least, that we generally find the same people to be attractive the world over.) Most of you might say, "Of course not. Physical beauty has little to do with traits like kindness and intelligence. Studies show, however, that thanks to human perception, they're more entwined than we think.  People have a tendency to judge beautiful people as sharing a variety of psychological characteristics based solely on their looks. Beautiful people are perceived not only as nicer, but more successful.  One study in 2014 found that viewers judged an attractive person who smiled as happier than a smiling person with an unattractive face.  It's mind-boggling to think that people would assign so man...

Whether it's in an old friendship or a new romantic relationship, you should never have to apologize for making clear how you feel. Being remorseful for one's feelings is like saying, "I'm sorry for being real." Openly communicating one's feelings is healthy and beneficial -- as long as it is done in a tactful fashion. Of course, declaring one's feelings in the throes of a fiery rant won't yield great results. If you don't put your feelings on the table, your friend or partner won't know what's going through your head. Once their eyes have been opened to your feelings, they should show respect and compassion toward your perspective, even if they roundly disagree with it. While being forthcoming in this way may not always rub people the right way, it is certainly better than keeping those feelings hidden out of fear of backlash. In the latter scenario, the person may feel they lack an outlet, prompting them to (1) divulge perso...

Never should we allow others to undervalue us -- nor should we let ourselves do it. At the end of the day, the only opinion about yourself that is completely accurate -- the sole assessment that really matters -- is your own. Self-worth, or self-esteem, results from our striving to treat ourselves with the love, care, compassion, and respect we deserve. Your self-worth can only be determined by you because it comes from within. The higher your self-esteem, the happier you are. And as I've stressed in my other posts, happiness emanates from inside of us. It's obvious that not everyone we come across in our lives -- from partners and friends to bosses -- will realize our worth. Still, that should never decrease our value in our own eyes. In relationships in which we don't feel valued, we have the option to address our feelings with the other person. If that doesn't bear fruit, we must decide whether the individual deserves a place in our lives. Now, this do...

There's no sense in regretting prior relationships that ended badly. What's done is done. Sure, in an ideal world, we would all see our relationships end amicably, with our exes becoming trustworthy friends. But parting on such favorable terms seldom happens. After a relationship goes down the toilet, people tend to have thoughts along the lines of: "I wasted so much time on that guy." "I knew Sue wasn't right for me. I could have been with Joan all this time." "It was a mistake to have ever even met Tim." This kind of thinking is conducive only to anger and bitterness. You won't resolve anything by trying to rationalize the reasons why things went awry.  And even checking off all the things you did right and your partner did wrong won't repair the relationship. There are some special circumstances where a person might have cause for loathing their ex and wishing they'd never crossed paths (e.g., he or she was ...

While fake people have an image to maintain, real people just don't care about what others think of them. Fake people worry incessantly about what house, car, or clothing will make them look the best. Real people, on the other hand, are humble. They recognize that if a person is going to judge them based on whether they own a Corolla or Benz, that person shouldn't be in their life. Fake people alter their personality -- not to mention their values, beliefs, and attitudes -- just to appease others in a given situation. Real people stick to their principles no matter how much they're pressured to change. Fake people want to be loved by everyone so badly that they're willing to part with those things that make them unique. Real people would rather be hated for who they are than loved for who they're not. Real people know they may not always get their way, or be the most popular/admired person in the room, but they value integrity too much to sell out ...

Having a bad day?  Maybe you're having problems in your relationship, trouble at work, or issues at home.  No matter what you're going through, take comfort in the fact that we've all been there. But you know what? You'll get through this -- just like you have before.  You're strong. You're brave. You're capable of achieving anything you set your mind to! These storms will eventually pass -- and they'll give way to brighter, happier days. You will be smiling and laughing again in no time, relieved that the worst is behind you and confident once more that wonderful possibilities lie on the horizon.  Whenever you feel the need, take a deep breath. Don't feel afraid to spend time alone with your thoughts. Sometimes finding the right solution -- and ultimately, peace of mind -- means disconnecting for a few moments from other people.  And don't give into the temptation to: Blame yourself Point the finger at others Har...

It's a question I'm asked almost constantly, so I felt it was time to write an entry on this topic. Some people have no qualms about maintaining contact with their ex, while others are categorically opposed to it. This is one of those cases where, at the end of the day, it's at the discretion of the person in question. But there are certainly a few factors to consider that may help them make a decision. First, if the person is in a new relationship, their partner should have a say in the matter. They may question their significant other's motives in remaining chummy with the ex. Or, they may very well be swell with it, but they still have a right to know. If for whatever reason you feel ill at ease disclosing this to your partner, take it as a sign you probably should not maintain ties with your ex. If your partner finds out you've been keeping things from him or her, their trust in you will become seriously compromised. Another thing one has to question...

Many of us find ourselves scratching our heads when our loyalty to certain people isn't reciprocated. Maybe it's a friend who turned their back when you needed them most. Perhaps it was an ex who you discovered had been cheating on you for months. Or maybe it was a coworker who swooped in and landed the position they said they would help you get. The reasons why people aren't loyal to us are varied, but here are the theee most common ones: 1. They're selfish. Some people enter relationships expecting loyalty from the other person, but think they're somehow exempt from doing the same for them. Reality check: Relationships are a two-way street. Those who persist in their selfish ways and are unwilling to take another's wishes and feelings into account are ill-prepared for the sacrifices that a relationship involves. 2. They take us for granted. A person takes for granted the things and people they don't value. And it's impossible to be loyal to...

How many times have you caught yourself ruminating interminably about that blind date you have coming up, that big presentation you're scheduled to deliver at work in a few weeks, or that doctor's appointment you've been pushing back for months now? Overthinking can have corrosive effects on us. Not only does it build anxiety, but it can negatively affect our sleeping routines, eating habits, relationships, and self-esteem. And the worst part about it? Overthinking solves nothing. Sure, a little angst is healthy, but brooding over things that have not yet come to pass won't in any way affect the outcome. Most people will admit to dreaming up doomsday scenarios in their head that never even come to pass. Our negative thoughts, in effect, can run rampant. This can trap us in a vicious cycle that can be very difficult to come out of. When you're anxious, you lose your zest for life. As is the case with depression, you may turn down others' invitations to ...

Don't let people bog you down with their drama and negativity. See, that's precisely what they crave: For them to be the ones responsible for turning your good mood into a sour one. It empowers them to continue trying to push our buttons until we become disappointed, effectively ruining our day (or so they hope). And toxic people aren't always overtly toxic from the get-go. They may endear themselves to us in the beginning, forming the impression that they're one of the nicest people we have ever met. But once the opportunity strikes, they flip a switch and allow their true, manipulative colors to come out. As I've noted in prior posts, when people are unhappy with their lives, they attempt to make themselves feel better by trying to make miserable the lives of ostensibly happy individuals. Whether they're in the process of getting divorced, having problems with their boss, or in serious financial straits, they take everything out on the people a...

Want to know the most ironic thing about those who are full of themselves? It's that people who are full of themselves are mostly empty on the inside.  If someone is heavily preoccupied with themselves, it can only mean that they're aiming to compensate for something they perceive as lacking. They can't quite put a finger on what's missing, so what do they do? Spend hundreds of dollars and countless hours on clothing, makeup, cars, and the like. So what might these people be trying to compensate for? It could include: Low self-esteem A sagging level of confidence Loneliness Feeling as though their life lacks direction  It's no surprise that many people who were perceived as bad boys/girls in their younger years later admit that they were the farthest thing away from tough and confident.  They simply rebelled as a way of channeling the discontent they felt about and in their lives. Let us make a clear distinction between confidence and co...

If merely saying "I love you" to one's partner countless times determined whether a relationship or marriage would last, we'd see far fewer divorces and breakups in our lifetime. Those three words, as we very well know, get tossed around quite a lot.  Unfortunately, the divorce rate is so high in part because people fail to back their declarations of love with concrete actions.  What good is professing to love someone if a person doesn't demonstrate it? Actions lends such words substance.  To give you another example, you can tell people, "I am intent on losing weight," but if you continue to eat fatty foods every night, your words come off as little more than hot air. So why do people think stating they love their partner is enough? Some couples have been together for a long time. Once complacency begins to set in, they may stop trying as hard, assuming their history and the comfort they feel in the relationship alone will carr...

Never let alone steal your happiness, as it was never theirs to take in the first place. People don't have to agree with you on everything. They don't even have to like you. But they certainly don't have a right to try to impinge on your happiness. They should just let you be and give you the respect that they expect in return. If only it were that simple... Some people might envy something you have -- whether it be your big house, loving spouse, or fulfilling job. Others may be going through a rough patch in their lives now and may decide that if they can't be happy, neither should others they come across. Misery always welcomes company. But you are no one's punching bag. Never should you put up with any kind of behavior that erodes your self-worth and tarnishes your quality of life. It's up to you whether you want to try and smooth things over, or if you'd rather kick the person out of your life in one fell swoop. It bothers me to no en...

Have you ever been turned down by someone you really, really dig? It can be a real bummer when a person you fancy is unable to reciprocate the feelings you have for them. But you mustn't let such an outcome get you down. Everyone experiences rejection at some point or another. It's not a reflection of your physical appearance or character necessarily. It is simply indicative of the fact that different people have different taste. Maybe you fall a little short (no pun intended) when it comes to their preferred height, or they're seeking someone who's more on the adventurous side. Or, perhaps they realize the two of you have chemistry, but they're already in a relationship. Or it may very well be that they just got out of a rocky marriage and wish to remain single for now. In other words, you may not meet that specific person's criteria, but it certainly doesn't mean that'll be the case with every man or woman you pursue. You will eventua...

Have you ever had a friend or partner who's made you feel replaceable? In other words, the other person may have a slew of friends or several people vying for their romantic affections, making you feel as though you're just a number on their list. This doesn't make us feel special or appreciated, no matter how many times -- and how emphatically -- they may claim to value us. We might crave more intimacy with this individual, but their tendency to hop from one person to another may create an emotional void. You might feel far more invested and committed because you have a smaller circle of people in your life. Perhaps you've done this deliberately in an effort to cut down on the drama and prioritize quality over quantity. It's saddening when people take us for granted because they know they have other options. Perhaps you've suggested a relaxing evening at home dining over a good movie, but someone else has suggested plans more to their liking. Ma...

How many times have you allowed someone's off-color remarks affect your mood? Maybe it's a tasteless remark they made about your weight, or an insensitive comment regarding your job or wardrobe. Maybe they didn't mean for their remark to come across as rude or insensitive. Or, perhaps this individual has a habit of not saying things in a tactful manner. Whatever the circumstance, it's important not to let people get under your skin. You never really know what's going on in people's heads. They may very well be the type who tries to compensate for their own insecurities by pointing out others perceived shortcomings. Whether you're dealing with an obnoxious coworker or an acquaintance who has no filter, you can't let what they said eat away at you. Let it go! If you're not careful, you may find yourself dwelling on it for hours, inducing feelings of bitterness and tempting you to retort with a scathing remark of your own that you might ...