How To Understand People

Your neighbor buys a brand new BMW -- the same one you eyed in a catalog last week -- and you burn with envy. Your coworker purchases a new house and invites you to a housewarming party. You debate whether to turn down the invitation only because you're angry that you haven't found a home for yourself after a frustrating two-year search.  There will always be things others possess that we wish we could own, too.  But comparing yourself to others and always trying to keep up with the Joneses is the wrong approach. If you want something badly, work hard to acquire it -- whether that means saving money for years, cutting vacations for a while, or angling for a promotion.  Once you have it in your possession, take pride in the fact that you accomplished a huge goal by virtue of your hard work -- that you rewarded yourself with something you truly deserved.  In other words, what you achieve should revolve solely around you -- not what others do o...

The word of the day is phalanx. It sounds like something that would be related to sphinxes, pyramids, and other things you'd find in, say, Egypt. I first heard the word used in the movie "Night at the Museum," which came out in 2006. Ben Stiller's character, a nightguard at the Museum of Natural History in New York, mentions that Attila the Hun -- ruler of the Hunnic Empire from 434 until 453, "surrounded himself with a phalanx of sorcerers and magicians." Per Dictionary.com, phalanx could mean the following: (1) any body of troops in close array (2) a number of individuals, especially person's united for a common purpose (3) a compact or closely massed body of persons, animals, or things In other words, it's a unique way of saying: - group -collection -myriad -throng -flock -horde I don't see phalanx being adopted in the corporate world anytime soon, but it's still a funky word nonetheless. Next time someone asks w...

It does, but only to a certain degree. Surely, one must put themselves out there in order to be noticed. A partner won't magically fall in your lap, and being holed up in your room all day greatly diminishes your prospects. But you don't want to overdo it either. A girl I used to work with treated virtually every guy she met in the workplace as a possible love interest. Vetting every man or woman you come across does come off as desperate. That's why, in the world of dating, it's better to work smarter, not harder. Go to places where people with whom you share a certain hobby are likely to be. If you want to date a bookworm, head to the library. If dancing is your thing, you might want to sign up for salsa lessons. If a partner with a great physique is atop your list, you ought to be spending time at the gym. You get the idea. You want to frequent places where you're bound to find people whose interests mirror or at least complement yours. In other words...

If people laugh at you because you're different, laugh right back at them for being all the same. I've written several posts on the importance of embracing one's uniqueness -- and disregarding what people say we should and shouldn't do -- because I think far too many of us fall victim to the herd mentality that has become so pervasive in society. On Thanksgiving night, my brother-in-law put me on the spot for not drinking. He still can't wrap his head around the fact that I don't drink. Then, two days later at my niece's afternoon birthday party, I returned the favor by asking him, "No alcohol for lunch today?" That made him a little defensive -- he pointed out how he only drinks two or three times a week -- and hopefully it conveyed that it's time to put the issue to rest. Peer pressure is even less effective on me when it comes from someone I hardly come into contact with throughout the year, like him. Here's another example: ...

On September 20, 1881, Chester Arthur was inaugurated, making him the third person to serve as president that year . The year 1881 commenced with Republican Rutherford B. Hayes in office. He served out his first and only term and officially handed the reins of government to his friend James A. Garfield in March. Just four months into his term, on July 2, Garfield was shot by a deranged assassin named Charles Guiteau, who claimed to have killed Garfield because he failed to grant him a a political appointment. Garfield sustained wounds to his abdomen and back and struggled to recover that summer. Though it seemed he'd pull through in early September, the autopsy report showed that the internal bullet wound contributed to an aneurysm that ultimately killed Garfield on September 19. The next day, Vice President Chester Arthur was sworn in as president. Garfield’s assassin wrote to the new president from jail, taking credit for propelling Arthur into the White House. Arthur ser...

Mysterious people exude a certain allure when you first get to know them. They keep us on our feet. They keep us guessing. They keep us yearning to learn more about them. I know this firsthand -- not only because I dated a couple of mysterious girls, but several I've met over the years have cited "mystique" as one of my most magnetic qualities. Being mysterious can certainly work to one's advantage during the courtship stage, especially if the object of your affection is very attractive and used to having people fawn over him or her. However, once things get more serious, it can be detrimental to a budding relationship. If one still seems mysterious after, say, five or six dates, it comes off as them hiding something, or shows an inability to open up. Naturally, most people would find such reticence a little off-putting, especially if they see the other person as being long-term material. I would let my guard down as soon as I felt comfortable enough with ...

Want to get to know people better?  Try to have one-to-one conversations with them. I've found that people tend to be more open and genuine in one-to-one conversations than they are when other people are around. Add more people to the equation and people begin putting on a facade just to fit in and make a good impression, particularly if several people in the conversation know each other. That's not to say it can't happen in a one-to-one conversation -- especially when both individuals met only recently -- but the chances of that happening are slimmer. When it's just you and another person, you're more vulnerable. Efforts be silly in order to elicit laughs may blow up in your face, and there's no one else around to back you up in case you say something you may regret. In addition, more participants bring more noise into the conversation. Suddenly you have people talking and shouting over another, not to mention going off on tangents. This makes it mu...

Yesterday, I stopped by Barnes & Noble on the way home, and I couldn't help but notice it looked unusually crowded. I felt like I was at a jam-packed Toys ''R" Us or Wal-Mart rather than a bookstore. Then I remembered: It's the holidays, dummy! And I went on a good day: Magazines were 30% off, so I snagged a special edition of TIME , which focused on the psychology of relationships, and the latest edition of Lapham's Quarterly , which centers on none other than my favorite historical figure of late -- Alexander Hamilton. I later ventured over to the kids aisle and saw a Star Wars toy that I know my nephew will go gaga over. And I grabbed it just in time, as a kid came up to me and asked where exactly had I seen the toy. To his dismay, it was the very last item of its kind in stock. It was only one day after Black Friday and I had already gotten a taste of the holiday shopping frenzy that's sure to sweep the nation over the next couple of week...

What sets a positive thinker -- an optimist -- apart from regular people is that he or she sees an opportunity in every difficult situation . For instances, a person who has just lost his job may try to capitalize on the downtime by boning up on his computer skills or trying to get his own business off the ground. A student who's just failed an exam may sign up for after-school tutoring, forging strong relationships with her teacher and fellow peers that may last beyond grade school. A troublesome car that's always breaking down may prompt someone to finally start saving up for a newer, more reliable vehicle. A person who's afraid of flying is tasked with meeting with the vice president in another country. While terrifying, it affords him the opportunity to finally conquer his fear, making future flights a lot easier to swallow. What's the common thread across all these examples? That a good situation can come out of a bad one so long as a person doesn't...

As ironic as it may sound, sometimes the surest way to feeling lonely is by being around others. The late and great Robin Williams once said: "I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone."  Indeed, while all of us have friends and family members who can certainly help cure our loneliness, there are other people we come across who only serve to exacerbate the problem. That could be a neighbor who always cracks jokes at your expense, siblings who talk to each other at family events but always seem to leave you out in the cold, acquaintances who seem to click with everyone in the room but you, and so forth. The chief problem is that we shouldn't depend on others to help us overcome our loneliness in the first place. That's setting yourself up for disappointment, as there will always be times where people will not be able to come to your aid. While ther...

I saw a meme on Facebook the other day that read as such: "Black Friday: Because only in America do we wait in line and trample others for sale items one day after giving thanks for what we already have." This is spot on. Isn't it ironic how many of the same people who give a heartfelt prayer at the dinner table on Thanksgiving are the ones jostling with other shoppers for bargains at the mall that night or the next day? It's nice to see a growing number of retail establishments closing for Thanksgiving so that their employees can spend the holiday with their families. But that list remains far too short as many stores still look to cash in on the frenzy by getting Black Friday underway on Thursday night. Many shoppers are ready to throw money at virtually anything that has "SALE" or "50% OFF" slapped on the sales tag. To be fair, some of the deals to be had really are phenomenal. But cutting Thanksgiving night short to schlep to the stor...

To all my readers in the United States and around the world, I'd like to wish each and every one of you a very Happy Thanksgiving! Let me start off by saying that I'm grateful for the people for whom I passionately churn out content every day: you . This two-year-old blog -- nearly 1,100 posts and 212,000 views later -- wouldn't be what it is today without your support; I'll forever be indebted to everyone who takes the time to read, comment on, and/or share my posts. I look forward to writing more content in the coming days, months, and years that will continue to stimulate the substantive conversations my readers and I have on Google+, Facebook, and within the comments section of each individual post. It's obvious that many of you share my passion for so many of the topics I cover on this blog -- from psychology and human behavior to politics and history -- which is a real treat for someone like myself who has an insatiable appetite for learning. That sa...

If there's one thing people don't like, it's to be bossed around -- much less by their partner. Relationships are all about compromise. Give and take. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. Bossing your partner around is the quickest way to leave someone feeling oppressed and resentful. People should be afforded the flexibility to make their own decisions. They have as much a right to give their two cents as the other person does. You are each other's mate; you're one another's companion. No one -- no matter their gender, race, job, economic background, or personality -- has dominion over anyone else. Talking over someone, choosing their meals for them at restaurants, exhorting them to do things against their wishes, grabbing and searching through their phone at will: this kind of behavior is wholly unacceptable. Now, there's nothing wrong with one person always taking the lead so long as his or her partner is okay with it. Some of us are too gun-...

Being confident doesn't mean you think you're above anyone or everyone else -- that would actually define pomposity or conceit. Instead, it describes a person who knows others dislike or are opposed to something about them -- whether their looks, beliefs, or overall lifestyle -- and they're okay with it. No matter how much you try prodding them to change, they remain immovable. Here are a couple of examples of ways people are pressured to change: (1) They're pushed to smoke or drink (2) They're pushed to lose their virginity (if they remain a virgin into their 30s and 40s)  (3) They're pushed to be less quiet/more sociable (4) They're pushed to dress differently (5) They're pushed to date certain people (6) They're pushed into getting married and having children (7) They're pushed into certain careers. The second you begin catering to others' whims, you turn your back on all the things that make you you. At that point, you're liv...

Have you ever encountered someone who doesn't know how and when to shut up? I can just picture you nodding your head. I don't think these people purposely do it to annoy others. They may not be cognizant of the fact that they go on and on far longer than others may care to listen. My coworker Veronica is this way. She talks about everything under the sun -- from her daughter's shopping habits to her dog's eating habits -- and doesn't know when to quit. Much to my chagrin, these drawn-out conversations -- what many of us would call chit-chat or small talk -- are usually devoid of substance. I would love to find people conversing about history, psychology, or the wonders of the universe for an hour, but that seldom happens. Those are the kinds of deep, enthralling subjects that great conversations are made of. Beyond that, there's an obvious reason a person shouldn't ramble on that long: a conversation consists of more than one person, and the othe...

How do you know that a friendship is real -- that it's built to last? The test is simple: See what happens when one person doesn't need the other for anything anymore. We all get something out of friendships: a person to hit up the bar with, a gym buddy, a shoulder to cry on when things go awry. But sometimes circumstances change in one's life that leaves them with less time for or interest in a given friendship: They move, get married, they have kids, and so forth. Unfortunately, many of my friendships have ceased to exist -- or become much more watered down -- as soon as the person got into a relationship. Some people seem to have trouble juggling their relationship with their friendships. It could be a sign of a possessive partner, or maybe the friend is so head over heels in love that they couldn't care less about their friends anymore. I've observed that people who abandon their friends for a relationship end up regretting it, especially if the re...

You can be forgiven for your words or actions, but chances are they won't be forgotten. I have forgiven people -- friends, ex-girlfriends, and the like -- who have done me wrong. In fact, I have stayed in close contact with most of them to this day. However, their hurtful words and actions remain firmly etched in memory, ready to be brought to bear should these individuals insist they've never let me down before. I try not to pull the plug on relationships I've invested a great deal of time and energy into. We all know that making new friends, especially as we get older, is no easy task. However, I become much more guarded thereafter, ensuring that they never again exploit my kind and giving nature for personal gain. I try to choose my words very carefully -- and act accordingly-- so that I won't later have to issue an apology. However, if I were to say or do something that results in hurt feelings, I most certainly would expect them to look at me with a cau...

The word of the day is none other than polymath , which sounds like something right out of an algebra book.  I first came across this world earlier this year while watching a YouTube video that described Thomas Jefferson, the third president of the United States, as a polymath.  So what does polymath mean, you ask? The fact that it contains "poly" means you can at least infer that it has to do with  many  of something.  Per Wikipedia, it's a person whose expertise spans a wide range of subject areas. Dictionary.com defines polymath as a person of encyclopedic learning. The term is often linked to great thinkers of the Renaissance and the Enlightenment who excelled at various fields in science and the arts. Aside from Jefferson, other famous polymaths include: Galileo Leonardo da Vinci Aristotle Copernicus Benjamin Franklin Isaac Newton I probably won't be a polymath in this lifetime, but it's because I strive to be highly knowled...

If you're one of those people who strives to impress other people at every turn, I'm here to tell you one thing: you should be trying to impress y ourself  instead. Some of you may ask, "What does impressing yourself even mean?" In a nutshell, it means growing as a person. Impressing yourself signifies achieving big goals -- succeeding at things even you never thought possible. For example, maybe you're convinced you can't lose 30 pounds in two months or read two voluminous books in a single month, but through hard work and commitment, you prove yourself wrong. There's no better feeling in the world, especially when other people said you couldn't do it. While "I told you so" moments can be empowering, here's the problem with trying to impress other people:cic You'll always fall short of someone's expectations. What's more, people always have something to criticize. You could have lost more weight. You spend way t...

We don't always get back what we put into things in our lives -- our jobs, our friendships, our relationships -- at least not immediately. When it becomes apparent that someone no longer fits in your life, it's best to let them go. It can be hard to come to terms with the fact that someone who thought you'd spend the rest of your life with didn't turn out to be the person you envisaged. The same goes for an individual you thought you'd be lifelong friends with. Whether you or the other party is to blame for a faltering relationship, sometimes trying to make it work only results in deeper resentment. It is very difficult to part with something we've invested a lot of time and energy into -- something we assumed would last indefinitely. This can also be applied to jobs. Many of us have grand plans of staying in the same company for many years, if not our entire working lives. However, quarrels with our bosses or coworkers, unfulfilling/unchallenging ...

Little do some of us know how powerful positive affirmations can be when it comes to breaking out of our depression and/or getting in a better mood. A moment ago, I came across a quote from George Washington that perfectly illustrates this point: "Happiness depends more upon the internal frame of a person's mind than on the externals in the world." Indeed, the mind exerts a much more powerful influence on our happiness than external factors -- from material possessions to others in our circle -- can. Telling yourself things like "everything's going to be okay," "you'll get through this," and "stay positive" puts you in a positive frame of mind rather than a negative one. When I've found myself down in the dumps, resorting to such positive affirmations has garnered me the strength to get up the next morning. And if you feel embarrassed that other people might hear you "talking to yourself," no one says you c...

I've had a few of my readers tell me that they've hit a rough patch of late, so I thought it apropos to write an uplifting post this morning to get everyone's weekend off to a magnificent start. There's no question that life is hard and often unfair. Bad things happen to good people all the time. We're confronted with tough situations we never saw coming, and sometimes such challenges seem insurmountable. But I'm here to tell you that every storm passes. As long as you stay strong and keep hope alive, you will get through it. The only thing in life that has no remedy is death. If the problems you're facing are not life-and-death, you can -- you will -- overcome them. Whether you recently got out of a bad relationship, unexpectedly lost your job, or are not on speaking terms with a longtime friend, one day you'll look back on it all and say, "I didn't see it back then, but things really did turn out for the best." Human beings have...

Don't complain of being single if you're super picky, which is the boat one of my friends perpetually finds himself in. He's gregarious, polite, and an all around good guy. However, when it comes to women, he seeks near-perfection: a slim, highly attractive woman -- we're talking Victoria's Secret-esque -- who doesn't smoke, drink, or party. Oh, yeah, and she should attend church regularly. Saying my friend has high standards is an understatement. He refuses to even consider women who are a couple of pounds overweight. While some may say his refusal to budge on his criteria is admirable in that he sticks to his guns, others might lambaste him for his ostensible shallowness. What provides ammunition to the latter group's argument, however, is the fact he often complains of being single. Well, little does he realize that his problem is of his own making. If you're going to disqualify the vast majority of the dating pool on account of what you f...

One of my favorite memes on the internet includes a picture of Abraham Lincoln alongside this quote attributed to him: "Don't believe everything you read on the internet just because there's a picture with a quote next to it." - Abraham L incoln What's funny is that the internet wasn't invented until more than a hundred years after Lincoln's death, so there's no possible way the 16th president could have said the above. In other words, even a quote about the perils of reading too much into something you read on the internet can itself be misattributed and thus prove sketchy.  I've lost count of the times I've come across news of a dubious nature on Facebook. For example, every so often a Facebook friend posts an article about a celebrity death that later turns out to be a hoax. Just the other day, a media company I'm following on Facebook posted an article alleging President Obama said he'd refuse to allow Donald Trump be...

Isaac Asimov was one of the most prolific writers of the 20th century. His copious body of work -- he wrote or edited more than 500 books and roughly 90,000 letters and postcards -- spanned a myriad of genres ranging from science fiction to history and chemistry. He is perhaps best known for his Foundation and Robot series. His books have been published in 9 of the 10 major categories of the Dewey Decimal Classification. Asimov once said the following, with which I wholeheartedly concur: "Education never ends." So short and sweet, and yet so powerful a statement. I've seen clips on YouTube of many of his interviews. Asimov championed self-learning and fretted that many people cease trying to learn new things once they graduate from high school or college. He foresaw that one day technology would enable people to educate themselves without having to set foot in a school (i.e., the internet). Unfortunately, he did not live to see how the World Wide Web has mad...

About a month ago, my wife had to have gallbladder surgery. Thankfully, it was caught early and she has since recovered nicely. I remember saying something at the hospital along the lines of ..."well, I've never had to be hospitalized for anything myself." It looks like I forgot to knock on that wood. Just three weeks later, I found myself getting checked out in the hospital for what turned out to be a gas/constipation issue that nagged me for over a week. I've always had a strong stomach, seldom complaining of any digestive problems over the years. I can only assume that eating meat for five consecutive days, coupled with stress I'd been under lately, were the likely culprits. Isn't it bizarre how we can jinx ourselves in this way? We say that something hasn't happened for a long time -- say, we haven't gotten a cold, been summoned for jury duty, or broken an ankle -- and bam, it happens. It's as if someone out in the ether hears us ...

On November 13, 1789, George Washington returns to Washington at the conclusion of his first presidential tour. He'd been inaugurated as the first president of the United States in April, For four weeks, Washington traveled by stagecoach through New England, visiting all the northern states that had ratified the U.S. Constitution. Washington, the great Revolutionary War general and first leader of the new republic, was greeted by exuberant crowds. Major William Jackson, who was Washington’s aide-de-camp during the Revolutionary War, accompanied the president, along with a private secretary and nine servants, including several slaves. The group traveled as far north as Kittery, Maine, which, at the time, was still a part of Massachusetts. Two years later, President Washington set off on his first presidential visit to the southern states, making a nearly-2,000-mile round-trip journey from his estate at Mount Vernon, Virginia. One thing I've asked myself -- especially aft...

Teddy Roosevelt (1858-1919), who served as the 26th president of the United States, once said the following: "Complaining about a problem without proposing a solution is called whining." While I admire Roosevelt's larger-than-life personality and his wide-ranging accomplishments -- from leading the Rough Riders in the Spanish-American War to busting trusts to establishing a myriad of national parks -- I'd have to disagree with him on this one. I don't think complaining about a problem without proposing a solution necessarily means you're whining. Sometimes we're confronted with unexpected challenges that we may not know how to tackle immediately. We would then need some time to weigh our options, and if that bears no fruit, we'd likely seek support from friends, family, or a counselor. In general, we all have some sense of what we'd have to do to resolve a problem, but concrete solutions don't always come to us right away. It's ...

The other day, a friend of mine stumbled upon the expression "living vicariously" while reading a book and asked me what it meant. It wasn't the first time someone I had fielded this very question. Vicariously simply means that you're experiencing something indirectly, like when your friend's vacation feels like your own. Vicariously is the adverb form of the word vicarious, which also signifies experiencing something through another person. An avid reader, I'll be the first person to admit that I often live vicariously through the people I read about in books. I'm an avid American history buff and am always reading books that center on the Founding Fathers, including George Washington, John Adams, James Madison, and Thomas Jefferson. There are two I enjoy reading more about than the rest, though: Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton. Not only did they found the nascent republic's first two political parties -- the Federalist party and Democ...

That is, if your goal is to become (1) rich in knowledge (2) rich in laughter (3) rich in health (4) rich in family (5) rich in love, and   (6) rich in experiences. Does money buy comfort? Yes. Does it buy security? Yes. Does it buy long-lasting happiness? It could, but that's not always a given. If it were, you wouldn't have wealthy celebrities battling drug and depression problems. Life is about more than money. Material possessions can only bring us so much happiness. Nine times out of ten, I get more enjoyment out of learning new things through a great book, compelling documentary, or visit to the museum than I do buying shirts, household appliances, and other stuff I might not even need. There are so many great things money can't buy. You can't put a price tag on the love shared between friends and family. You can't monetize laughter, especially not the kind that makes tears come out of your eyes. And you certainly can't appraise simple, every...

There's a quote I saw somewhere a few years ago that has stayed firmly embedded in memory: "To the world you may just be one person, but to one person you may be the world." Think about it. There are roughly 7 to 7.5 billion people on earth. Unless you're Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Kim Kardashian, or some other famous politician or celebrity, you -- like me -- are merely a speck of matter on this vast, overpopulated planet. Luckily, each and every one of us has a special place in someone's heart. We're all the center of someone's universe, whether it's that of our kids, partner, friends, or all of the above. I don't know about you, but I'd much rather be loved by a few people and remain largely obscure to the general population than be in the shoes of celebrities and politicians, many of whom are reviled by people from all corners of the world. There's a reason why people go through an intense grieving process when they lose...

Look in the mirror and you'll see the person ultimately responsible for your happiness -- yourself . It's a shame that so many people I talk to are quick to mention other people when asked what exerts the biggest influence on their happiness. Yes, some people bring us great joy -- our parents, spouse, children, closest friends -- but they should not bear the responsibility of making you happy all the time. Parents grow old, our spouses have their own issues to worry about, our children grow up eventually, and our friends can always drift away from us. No one has your best interests at heart more than yourself. No one confides in you more than yourself. No one experiences the highs and lows in your life like you do. Happiness shouldn't depend on how people treat you or what they think of you. In fact, in my view, you can't love others unless and until you love yourself first. We all want to feel loved and accepted by others. Great social relationships, in and...

And this is coming from someone who voted for Hillary Clinton. The election is over. Done. Finished. Donald Trump will be the 45th president of the United States, whether these protesters like it or not. It's time we move on and end this bitter diviseness that has greatly fractured our country. While people have a right to feel dissatisfied with the outcome, holding protests does nothing to unify us as a country. When Obama was elected in 2008, I don't remember seeing people marching on the streets, destroying property, and burning Obama in effigy. We should be aiming to heal the wounds that this election has left, not aggravating them. As long as the media pressing on with its reporting of these mass demonstrations, people's attention will continue to be diverted from the issues that really count -- the economy and terrorism among them. President Obama and Hillary Clinton struck a conciliatory tone in their speeches yesterday, with the former saying that w...