How To Understand People

I've met some people whose interests might make you flinch at first blush. One guy I met in college liked collecting bugs. Another had the most extensive collection of coins I'd ever seen. What's more, a woman I currently work with says she enjoys watching videos of people getting their hair cut. However outlandish your interests may seem to the world, you should never apologize for them . They're one of the many things that make you you . You're a composite of various unique behaviors, quirks, thoughts, and interests -- ones you should never change for anyone unless you truly desire to. As long as you truly love the activity in question, aren't being pressured into it by anyone, and aren't doing it merely to conform to societal expectations, you should never feel weird for calling it one of your passions. I myself collect historical memorabilia -- from figures of presidents to books and DVDs to reproductions of historic documents. I've been call...

Dictionary.com defines a narcissist as "a person who is overly self-involved, and often vain and selfish." Other words associated with narcissism include: Self-love Self-admiration Self-absorption Self-obsession Conceit Self-centered Self-regard Egoism  I don't take exception to people who are self-absorbed without showing off . It's when people have the impulse to voice -- loudly, I might add -- how great they are, how beautiful they are, how much better they are than anyone else. It's when people are so arrogant as to take credit for everything -- whether at work or elsewhere -- when they know full well that they received ample support from others.  Selfishness isn't necessarily a bad thing. There's nothing wrong with turning down invitations from friends or family so that you can spend the evening alone, or treating yourself to a hearty lunch at a nice restaurant following a difficult week at work. Loving yourself is actually a key...

Can you think of something that's simultaneously fun and stressful? At first blush, those two words may seem all but contradictory. While many of us might point to parenthood, school, or our jobs, there's one thing I'm in the midst of doing that might also make the list for many of you: travel planning.  My wife and I are currently planning a trip to Boston.  As you probably know, there's a plethora of things to do and see in Beantown, from walking along the 2.5-mile stretch known as the Freedom Trail to taking a tour of Fenway Park to visiting a wide array of colleges and universities in the area, most notably Harvard and MIT. As a history nerd, the thought of soaking up so much of it is highly stimulating, not to mention orienting myself with a city I've only seen up to now in pictures, books, and movies.  But as any avid traveler would note, planning a vacation takes some time and effort. For example, you have to be mindful of the busine...

The notion that opposites attract is a persistent myth that many people continue to swear by to this day. Opposites do attract to a certain degree, but only in the early stages of dating . And, to be honest, I don't know if I would even call it "attraction." A more appropriate word might be "intrigue." Meeting someone who seems like our complete opposite seems like a breath of fresh air at first. After all, we're used to having friends and dating people who share our interests, so this can feel like a pleasant change. However, as time wears on, the differences begin to really manifest themselves, and what once seemed like an interesting quality in the other person begins to get on our nerves. Here are a couple of examples: A liberal person dating a conservative one A neat freak dating a slob An avid football fan dating someone who loathes sports A well-heeled professional dating a person who's constantly broke and unemployed An introvert...

It's a new day -- one full of fresh possibilities.  Let all your reasons for not achieving a goal yesterday be quashed as of this moment. Apply for that certification exam to enhance your qualifications. Commence your job hunt as the first step toward leaving the dead-end position you're in now. Start researching what it takes to get your fledgling business off the ground. Take an imaginary sledgehammer and smash the "t" in "can't" into oblivion. You can do anything you set your heart or mind to. The only one holding you back from reaching for the sky is yourself. Do away with any grudges you may hold towards friends or loved ones. If you find that the relationship is beyond repair, absolve yourself of all negativity by cutting ties and moving on once and for all. And resist the urge to compare yourself to others. Their lives are their own problem. Stay focused on you . We all have a tendency to put things we want to do off because, well, life ...

You'd be surprised to know that some people actually admire -- and would love to emulate -- Donald Trump's personality. They say they wish they could speak their minds with no hesitation like he does. I'm not exaggerating when I say that Trump is the most bombastic, outspoken, and extroverted person I have ever seen on television. I'm sure most of you would second that statement. Interestingly, he appears a lot more composed -- almost slightly reserved -- in interviews with David Letterman and other TV personalities in the 80s and 90s. (You can find plenty of these on YouTube.) If you ask me, he looks and acts far more presidential in these clips than he does now. It seems he's gradually evolved into an irascible, unfiltered man who can't get enough of the spotlight. Scores of people are united in their contempt for the real estate mogul-turned-presidential-candidate, but some actually embrace his fiery, no-nonsense temperament. Among the latter are ...

I scolded a male friend of mine recently for making a stereotypical remark about women: That they all take forever to get ready, whether for work or any social occasion.  To support his argument, he added that all his girlfriends have made a habit of telling him they won't take that long but wind up taking an hour, if not more. I responded that it says more about the women he's dating than about the female population as a whole. Not all women are this high maintenance. Take my wife, for example. Even if she's dressing up for a wedding, party, or other social event, she's usually done getting ready in under an hour. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with women who like to take their time. But to say all women are this way just isn't accurate. It's like saying that all men get ready in a flash. I know some guys who spend a good amount of time applying spray/gel to and combing their hair until they're satisfied. They can also be finick...

Today I'd like to share a quote comes from Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962), the longest-serving First Lady in U.S. history. She held the post from 1943 to 1945, during President Franklin D. Roosevelt's unprecedented four terms in office. It seems I discover a new great quote from Roosevelt every so often; I've featured roughly five of them already on this blog. "Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart." I think this quote rings true for many of us. We have met more people in our lives than we can remember. And even though the passage of time, death, long distance, or other circumstances might bring certain friendships to an end, we never forget those who have made a positive impact on our lives. Most of us will always have a special place in our hearts for our closest friends from elementary and high school, for example, even though we may have lost touch with them. Perhaps we shared special ...

Lying . We all do it almost daily, though in varying degrees. Some of us have made a habit of lying through our teeth, while others are masters in the art of little white lies that often go unnoticed. Whatever one's propensity for lying, we can usually detect lies through certain verbal and non-verbal cues, some of which I elaborate on below: 1. Eye contact : If a person is having a hard time maintaining eye contact while talking to you, it usually means they're hiding something. For example, let's say the person you're chatting with routinely looks at the floor or ceiling during the conversation. Yes, this can be indicative of sheer boredom or a lack of self-confidence, but in most cases, it signals that the individual can't deliver his or her words with conviction. Instead, he or she is displaying the kind of sheepishness characteristic of a person caught in a lie -- or about to be caught in one. 2. Speech patterns : When someone is lying, they're more...

Every day around noon, a group of five or six people gather in the break room at my company to chat over lunch. They get so boisterous that you can often hear them shouting over each other from the hallway! I've noticed that I hardly ever see these people alone in the building, no matter the day, time, or place. A similar dynamic plays out in my own department, where people do everything from grab coffee to walk to the bathroom together. (I kid you not!) I understand the value of building relationships at work and elsewhere, but these people take it to a whole new level. I think many people have been conditioned by society to believe that unless they do all or most things in pairs or groups, they're weirdos. Many people have a strong longing to be part of a group, and to them, the thought of flying solo is utterly terrifying. Yes, social relationships -- or, connections, as we like to call them -- do help people land jobs, get promotions, and receive other perks. ...

Moments ago, I was flipping through the channels and noticed that the Hallmark Channel is airing a spate of Christmas-themed shows and movies as part of its "Christmas in July" special. I'm not sure what to make of this. On the one hand, the holiday season is a special if short-lived time of year, so I can see why the network would want to do something like this. Christmas shows and movies are of the feel-good variety -- not only are they ideal to watch with the family, but they build anticipation for the actual holiday season, which is a mere five months away. I wouldn't be surprised if the Hallmark Channel got a major ratings boost from this endeavor. Yet, it feels a little awkward to be watching Christmas-based programming when it's 90 degrees outside and there's nary a Christmas tree or wreath in sight. I can imagine it being like celebrating Valentine's Day in September or the Fourth of July in March. Understandably, some kids might not want t...

My psychology blog, How to Understand People , has now garnered a whopping 150,000 views  -- a remarkable feat for a site that came into being only two years ago. I want to thank everyone for reading, commenting on, and resharing my posts. Without my readers' support, I would have never amassed this many hits in such a short period of time. I continue to urge my readers to share these posts with friends and family so that they, too, can benefit from my advice and tips, which touch on subjects ranging from social psychology to relationships to consumer behavior. I also feature intermittent posts that include history fun facts and others that highlight and examine famous quotes from historic figures. Here are 10 of my most popular posts from the last couple of months: Why cheating should never be tolerated Here's a trick to make people like you... Why you should NEVER take back a cheater SECRET: Why people judge you Life is what YOU make of it Do what makes YO...

If there's one thing I've learned about Facebook, it's that it seems designed to make people envy each other. The child-free couple taking off on a cruise vacation at the drop of a hat. The newlyweds boasting of how perfect their lives are together. Sally posting pictures at the finest restaurants in Beverly Hills. Many people seem to use the social networking site as a way to portray their lives as being better than yours and mine. And some of them will go to the ends of the earth to get as many "likes" and positive comments as they possibly can. Thus the reason I've cut back on my use of Facebook in recent months. It's also devolved into a popularity contest of sorts that I wish not to be a part of. Maybe you don't wish to compare your life to others' because you're happy with it as it is. Just because the Coopers have three kids and a dog, live in a huge house, and go to Disney World every three months doesn't mean I have the least...

Many of us often complain of our lives being boring and routine. Every day seems to be a carbon copy of the last. There just isn't anything exciting going on. You probe into why your life seems so mundane but can't seem to come up with a definitive answer. Well, I'm here to tell you what exactly causes you to to get in such a rut. Ready? More likely than not, the reason your life seems so vanilla is because you're not giving yourself enough things to look forward to. There's really nothing more exciting than anticipating and readying ourselves for an event or change. Just last night, my wife and I booked a flight to Boston. We plan to stay there for a week next month, and I couldn't be more ecstatic. I'm greatly looking forward to soaking up all the history the city has to offer. Among the items on my tentative itinerary are the Freedom Trail, Fenway Park, and Harvard. Honestly, I had been feeling that my life needed something of a boost of l...

As of today, I'll be dedicating select blog posts to examining the meaning of words most people are unfamiliar with and tying them, of course, to the world of psychology and human behavior.  This week, let's explore the meaning of the word curmudgeon .  According to Dictionary.com, a curmudgeon is a bad-tempered, difficult, cantankerous person .  It brings to mind irritable characters like Grumpy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Scrooge from Charles' Dickins' "A Christmas Carol," and maybe even Donald Trump. We've all had to contend with so-called curmudgeons at work; in most cases, it's our own boss. We can also point to at least one person in our family known for being a major crank, whether it's a meddling grandparent or nosy aunt. It's safe to say we all have days in which we become curmudgeons . A couple of months ago, on the way to work, I noticed I had a flat tire. Having to take the car to the shop in the pour...

Many people get into the habit of falling for people who are already married or in a relationship. When asked why they repeatedly pursue people who are unavailable, they say the thrill of chasing after the forbidden -- angling for what they know they can't have -- is too irresistible to suppress. But becoming a homewrecker can have dire consequences. For starters, you're coming between a person and his or her partner, who may even have children together. Studies show that infidelity can cause irreparable damage to a marriage or relationship, with the fallout spilling into home life and even one's career. If a person has that much of a penchant for chasing after the unobtainable, it raises serious questions about the individual: Why not pursue people who are available? Has a lack of self-esteem or other psychological issue convinced the person that he or she isn't deserving of single suitors? Is the person a commitmentphobe? Does he or she simply want to h...

I've noticed that many employers couldn't care less about your educational background these days. I've gone to myriad interviews thus far in my career. From what I can remember, only one has ever commented on or raised questions about my degree. I wouldn't be surprised if many crafty people who don't hold a bachelor's degree fudge their resumes to include one and end up getting away with it. Large, structured organizations (e.g., Fortune 500 companies, the federal government, etc.) are more likely to conduct background checks to verify that you earned one, but many small businesses and start-ups that watch every penny don't bother. Everyone and his brother has a bachelor's degree, which is why many people say the bachelor's degree is the new high school diploma. In general, job seekers need to rely on more than the degree to set themselves apart. Indeed, recruiters tend to zero in on two particular things that they see as being far more valu...

On this day in 1767, John Quincy Adams, son of the second U.S. president, John Adams, is born in Braintree, Massachusetts. John Quincy Adams not only shared the elder Adams' passion for politics, but seemed to have inherited his father's cantankerous personality as well. At 14, he was already joining his dad on diplomatic missions; he entered the legal arena upon completing his schooling. As a young man, he served as minister to several countries, including the Netherlands, Portugal, Russia, Prussia, and England. In 1803, he commenced his first term as a Republican in the Senate and helped negotiate the Treaty of Ghent that ended the War of 1812. From 1817 to 1824, he served as secretary of state to President James Monroe. While it is Monroe who gets most of the credit for his eponymous Doctrine, historians assert that Adams was the true mastermind behind it. In the heavily contested presidential election of 1824, a tie between Quincy Adams and Democrat Andrew Jackson p...

I've stumbled upon relationship and self-help books that actually encourage people to play hard to get with potential suitors. They argue that it keeps the other person on their toes and longing for more, ultimately resulting in an exciting relationship. While playing hard to get might work to some extent in the very early stages of courtship -- especially if your would-be partner is used to being asked out constantly -- it has no place in a serious relationship. Once things get more serious, playing hard to get becomes tantamount to childish games you might see in high school. (I was on the receiving end of such behavior with a couple of girls during my teen years.) Playing hard to get can seriously backfire on you. It sends the signal that you are too busy for or not genuinely interested in the other person. Even worse, it might convey that you have someone else on the side. I know a guy who employed this tactic to pique a woman's interest in him. While it seemed to...

Ever heard the song "Don't Stop Believin''' by Journey? It's the kind of song we ought to hear whenever we doubt ourselves, which, for some of us, happens all too often. But the fact of the matter is that we have no choice but to believe in ourselves -- because no one else is going to do it for us. A lack of self-confidence impairs our ability to land dates, get jobs, build relationships, and -- most important -- enjoy life. Doubting ourselves can lead to low self-esteem, which can in turn snowball into depression and other more serious health outcomes. Once it becomes apparent that many of the excuses you concoct for not succeeding are in your head, you come to realize that you've been holding yourself back for no reason at all. Maybe your parents or peers told you that you couldn't achieve something and brainwashed you against yourself. But how would they know what you're capable of if they're not you? A person can achieve anyt...

If there's one thing that inhibits happiness and reaching one's full potential, it's a lack of freedom to make one's own decisions . It's no surprise that most of us eagerly await our 18th birthday, when we're finally old enough to hit up clubs, smoke, and vote. It's also the age most of us kiss our parents goodbye and embark on our college journey. Can you imagine living with your parents your whole life? You'd never have the opportunity to make your own decisions, having to submit to the orders and whims of those whose roof you live under. Needless to say, that kind of arrangement would wear thin on you quickly. The same applies to relationships. If you're with someone who orders your food for you at restaurants without letting you get in a word edgewise, your freedom is being trampled on. We've all heard horror stories of domineering partners who rob their significant other of their voice in the relationship. From decorating the home t...

Want to know one reason so many of us are unhappy with our lives? You guessed it: our jobs. Want to know why our jobs make us this way?  Because we spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about how miserable they are.  Unfortunately, far too many of us fail to: Break out of these negative thoughts and redirect our attention towards things that actually make us happy Cultivate hobbies outside of work  Instead, we think of our jobs as the be-all and end-all of our existence. We count on work to fulfill us in ways that are unrealistic.  Ideally, we all want jobs that pay well, involve working with great co-workers, and keep us mentally stimulated.  While such jobs certainly exist, we'll always take issue with some aspect of our jobs. As I've said before, no job is perfect.  Relying upon your job to fulfill you is a recipe for disaster.  As we well know, things at work can change in the blink of an eye. You ...

When most people think of the 4th of July , everything from fireworks and the colors red, white, and blue to barbecues and the beach immediately pop to mind. Even if you're not a history buff, you probably know that it is today we commemorate the signing in of the Declaration of Independence, which took place July 4, 1776 . But there are several little-known facts about the famous holiday that you probably never learned in school. Here is a small sampling of them: 1. Only two individuals actually signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4 : John Hancock, who is best known for his large and elaborate signature on the document, and Charles Thomson, secretary of the Continental Congress. Most of the others didn't sign it until August 2. 2. Not everyone agreed with celebrating the country's independence on July 4 , the day Congress approved the Declaration. John Adams, who would go on to become the second President of the United States, wished to celebrate ...

Rainy days seem to be one of those things that people either love or hate. I've asked around, and opinion is increasingly polarized on this topic. Those who love rain say it creates a sense of calm and tranquility, is good for the environment (e.g., grass and trees), and serves as a useful cleaning agent for things like cars. They also say it makes for great sleeping or reading weather. Then there are those who loathe rainy days, saying that too much rain makes them depressed and keeps them holed up at home. I think it all depends on one's personality and how often they like to be in doors. If you're an outdoorsy person who enjoys sunbathing on the beach or jogging at the park, rainy weather is sure to be an inconvenience. If you like staying at home reading or watching Netflix, the rain is less likely to bother you. The only time that I can't stand the rain is when I have to be somewhere at a certain time -- say, at work for a meeting, church for a wedding, o...

When we were younger, we were often asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Some of the careers we had in mind at the time were real doozies, from baseball player to fireman to world-renowned singer. Needless to say, many of us went on to pursue careers that aren't remotely related to those we aspired to as children. Perhaps our interests changed as we got older, or we decided to venture into an area we found more practical. I guess you can say what I do now doesn't stray too much from what I envisioned as a kid. I always knew I wanted to be a writer, and that I became -- just in a different area. When I was 10, I thought I'd end up becoming a sports columnist. Instead, I wound up as a copywriter in the travel industry. It is my hope that even if you don't work in the field you set your sights on in your childhood, you love -- or at least can tolerate -- whatever it is you do now. We work too damn hard not to derive some enjoyment from our ...