How To Understand People

You're not perfect. But neither am I. No one is. Give yourself credit from time to time for all you've accomplished. You've come a long way. You've overcome a slew of obstacles that life has thrown at you. Your life may not be perfect, but keep in mind that there is no such thing as the perfect life. If you can say that you look forward to the next day, and that each day consists of a handful of smiles and laughs coupled with special moments in the presence of people you love, you're doing far better than many out there. Cultivate self-compassion. Don't beat yourself up over past mistakes. Learn from them and move on. Don't blame yourself for relationships gone awry. While you may be at fault in some respects, a relationship requires that both people commit time and energy. It may be that they weren't pulling their weight like you assume they were. There's nothing wrong with continually trying to improve ourselves by setting new goals. ...

The reason we expect so much from people is because we would be willing to do that much for them. Unfortunately, though, reality doesn't always align with our expectations. And therein lies the problem: We have a tendency to anticipate that people will think and act like us in a given situation. When they fail to do so, however, we feel let down, if not betrayed. As painful as it can be, our partner, relatives. and close friends will not always act in our best interest. This could happen for a variety of reasons: They put themselves (or even someone else) before you. They don't realize just how much being there really means to you. Life gets in the way.  The important thing is not to take it personally, and the best way to do that is by not having unrealistically high expectations in the first place.  That's not to say that you shouldn't ask others for help when you need it, especially when you've been there for them. And it doesn't mean ...

Whether it's someone who's already in a relationship, a job for which we didn't make the shortlist, or an item we want that never seems to be in stock anywhere we look, human beings want the unobtainable -- that which is difficult (if not impossible) to make ours. Why does this happen? We assign a higher value to things and people that we deem as being in high demand. If something is too easy to snag, we're led to believe that no one else wants it, so we'd be settling for less by making it our choice. Is it any wonder that stores are able to lure customers with advertisements that say "available for a limited-time" and "while supplies last"? Are those products really in short supply? My guess would be no -- at least not all the time. Retailers capitalize on the fact that people have an aversion to feeling left out. The thought of someone else possessing an item they want for themselves drives people to shell out their money, often in la...

People needn't search far and wide to find happiness, for it is found in the simplest of things. Unfortunately, many people equate happiness with money and material possessions. While such "stuff" can give us a boost, it is only temporary. When it's time for us to pass on, will we be thinking about all the money we've spent or have saved in our bank account? No. Our thoughts will center on the legacy we'll be leaving behind, on the wonderful moments spent with loved ones, on the little things that made this life well worth living. Happiness can be found: in love in friendship in a smile in a laugh in having good health in reading in knowledge and learning in music in gratitude  in a good meal or cup of coffee in a kept promise in an achieved goal in a fond memory in nature in silence in the comfort of one's room If people actually stopped to appreciate all the wonderful things that greatly enrich their lives, they would be fa...

How do you know if someone is on the rebound? A person might be considered on the rebound if he or she becomes involved in a serious relationship that shortly follows the ending of a previous one. And if the person was dumped -- especially if they never saw it coming -- it only amplifies feelings of wanting to get with someone new to get their mind off the whole ordeal. If you are dating someone who is rebounding, you may question if he or she is capable of emotional attachment or if you are, instead, simply a substitute for love that was lost. It can be especially hurtful when you sense that the person you're with isn't entirely over their ex. They might bring him or her up in conversations, whether they're mentioning how terrible the ex was or, even worse, comparing you both ("John was so much tidier than you are.") You may also take notice of the fact that they continue to hold on to and revisit photo albums, cards, and gifts that the ex gave them...

Stop what you're doing for a moment. Take a deep breath. Put a smile on your face. Tell yourself these words: "It's going to be okay." You've come too far in your life to give up. Whether you're healing from wounds of your past or stressing over the question marks in your future, remind yourself that true happiness lies in making the most of the present. Things will get better over time. If you're mired in relationship, health, or money struggles, rest assured that the worst storms often give way to much sunnier days. Never feel afraid to reach out -- whether to friends, family, a professional (or even to me) for a helping hand. I know that sometimes being positive is easier said than done. Just when we think we've come out of a hole, life seems to put us into a deeper one. But resigning ourselves to the opposite state of mind -- negativity -- will only serve to exacerbate the depression or anxiety we're already feeling. As long a...

Conventional wisdom holds that if you do someone a favor, that person is bound to like you more. However, research has revealed something entirely different: If you do someone a favor, it is you who will like that person more as a result.  But how can this be? The reason is that we justify our actions to ourselves by assuming that we did the person the favor because, well, we really like them. This phenomenon is called the Ben Franklin effect . Franklin once quipped, "He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged." Legend has it that Franklin, a Founding Father and renowned scientist, leveraged this discovery to win the favor of a rival Pennsylvania legislator by asking the legislator to lend him a rare book and then showering him with gratitude. It worked like a charm. According to Franklin,"When we next met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had never done before), and with great civ...

There's something to be said for those who embrace their uniqueness wholeheartedly, impervious to pressure from other people to subscribe to the so-called herd or pack mentality so many fall victim to. Unfortunately, fake people want others to be fake just like them, even if it calls for turning one's back on the very principles, beliefs, and interests that make them who they are. For some, the need to be liked overwhelms their desire to project their most authentic selves to the world, prompting them to act in ways that, deep down, may feel wholly unnatural to them. This may impact everything from their style of dress and political views to their choice of hobbies. Never allow yourself to be ensnared by those seeking to "convert" people into carbon copies of themselves -- all to inflate their egos and compensate for their insecurities. Follow your true passions. Pursue whatever career calls out to you. Hold fast to your beliefs and core principles. Do not b...

We all have dreams that may seem like a longshot to other people, whether it be starting a business, publishing a book, or traveling the world. But should others' opinions really get in the way of our hopes and aspirations? Absolutely not! When people doubt you and go as far as to say you won't achieve something, take the utmost pleasure in trying to prove them wrong. Don't allow their skepticism to make you question your abilities; instead, let it fuel your passion and drive even further. As long as we believe in ourselves, work tirelessly, and continue to fight for what we want despite the odds being stacked against us, we have a shot. In life, we won't really know unless we try. And even if it turns out that we come up a bit short, it doesn't mean we've failed. It just means life has different -- and better -- plans in store. There will always be those who dismiss our plans as mere pipe dreams. Don't listen to these folks, for they're li...

Go to a mall, grocery store, or even your local gym and you're bound to see people with a sullen look on their face. It doesn't matter that they're carrying around a Louis Vuitton purse or driving a Mercedes Benz -- their sulkiness communicates that they're not happy. While we can never know for sure unless we ask, I would venture a guess that a great deal of them know they're not living the kind of life they want to live; instead, they're living the life others want them to live. Some people strive to impress others, essentially living their lives on others' terms.  Unfortunately, many of these individuals don't realize until later in life that we must each find our own path to happiness. What makes your friend or neighbor happy won't necessarily fulfill you, whether in terms of hobbies, romantic relationships, or careers.  Just because you're not on the same road as someone else doesn't mean you're lost. Finding your own p...

If there's something we can almost universally agree upon, it's that no one wants a pushover for a partner. Some people, especially at the outset of the relationship, believe that if they give their partner all they want and never once object to anything they say or do, the relationship will be stronger in the end. They fear that if they voice their true feelings and concerns, their partner will get upset and possibly dump them. If one is that fearful of communicating openly with their significant other, they may have self-esteem and/or confidence issues to work through. Why be intimidated by your partner? You should feel at ease to let him or her know when something rubs you the wrong way -- just as they should. If your partner has a history of throwing fits whenever you express disagreement, it speaks to their character and should lead you to question whether you can reasonably remain in a relationship with someone so combustible. As long as you drive your argum...

A telltale sign you're around the wrong people is if and when you find yourself bending over backwards to impress them. I'm not talking about those occasions that may warrant making a good first impression, like a job interview or first date. I'm specifically referencing everyday situations, like Happy Hour with coworkers or weekend outings with friends. Sure, we all want others to think favorably of us, but once it gets to the point where we're changing our habits and yielding to them on everything just to win their approval, something is off kilter. We all have a voice and should be allowed to use it no matter the relationship. That means the other person should be amenable to going along with whatever we may propose at times. Those who want to dictate the agenda every time are selfish and narrow-minded. Even worse are the ones who are relentless in their quest to push you into thinking or acting as they do. If you're an adult, guess what? Those high...

Over the course of our lives, we meet all types of people -- smart, courteous, obnoxious, rude, and everything in between. While we all wish we could meet only people who make a positive impact in our lives, each and every individual serves a valuable purpose. In fact, those we come across generally fall under one of two categories: 1. They're a blessing. They lift us up when we're feeling down through their infectious optimism, generosity, and sense of humor. They exhibit warmth, kindness, and hospitality whenever we're around them. Time seems to fly when we're conversing with these wonderful souls. Even if we go weeks or months without getting in touch, we can easily pick up where we left off. They're not all smiles all the time, though. When we're out of line, they're not afraid to put us in our place -- yet, we don't mind because they do so tactfully. They're a welcome enhancement amid a sea of fakers. 2. They're a lesson. Let...

Whether they've been with their partner for 6 months or 20 years, people may hit a rough patch in their relationship, causing them to question whether they're falling out of love.  Sometimes it's a matter of injecting variety and excitement into a relationship where both partners share a deep bond, but have become far too complacent for their own good. And other times they realize that their feelings, unfortunately, are no longer what they used to be, and it would be better to move on.  All one has to do to determine whether they truly love their significant other is to imagine their partner in the arms of another man or woman.  If such a thought makes their blood boil, it's likely they do love their partner. If, however, it engenders no such feelings of anger or jealousy, it's plain to see there is no love to speak of.  In addition, we ought to ask ourselves whether we can picture ourselves with a different partner. If that thought makes you sad, y...

Many people swear by the notion that there is only have one person in the world whom we can call our "soulmate." In their view, destiny has picked out one individual who complements them on myriad levels -- physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually -- like no one else. And the ones lucky enough to be in long-term relationships, not surprisingly, say they're confident their partner is their other half. But is this really true? Can only one person in this entire world -- mind you, there are 7.6 billion human beings living on this planet -- be ideally suited for us? While I would love to believe that life plays out like a fairy tale, I can't subscribe to the idea that we couldn't click and carry on successful relationships with several people -- whether we live in London or Las Vegas. Instead, I believe that we can have varying degrees of compatibility with different people, and it's up to us to decide which differences are too much to bea...

It doesn't matter if you've been with your significant other for 2 days, 2 weeks, or 2 years. Without trust, a relationship can't survive. Like loyalty, respect, communication, and honesty, it is one of the essential ingredients of a healthy, long-lasting relationship. Is it any wonder that infidelity wrecks a relationship like nothing else? Imagine how difficult it is to confide in someone who took your trust and sliced and diced it by cheating on you. There aren't many other things a partner can do that are nearly as deplorable. The same can be said for a friend who steals from you or a sibling who talks behind your back. They can make repeated assurances that they'll never do it again, but our gut tells us to guard ourselves against the prospect of being subject to similar behavior in the future (whether from that person or anyone else). I'm not saying you should never give someone another chance -- only to be careful not to allow them to run ro...

Let's say you and your partner are trying to decide where to eat tonight. You've been craving Chinese for a while and suggest hitting up the Asian restaurant that just opened down the block. Your girlfriend, however, insists on trying out a hole-in-the-wall Italian place downtown that all of your friends have been raving about. What do you do? As another example, let's assume you invite your friend over for drinks. You turn on the TV to watch the season finale of one of your favorite shows. Your friend, however, begs that you tune into Game 7 of the World Series, which she's been looking forward to watching all day. What do you do? Along with trust, respect, loyalty, and communication, compromise is the glue that holds a relationship together.  If two people genuinely desire for the relationship to remain strong, they each have to be willing to yield to the other's wishes every so often. They can't have it their way all the time, which smacks of se...

You know you're with the wrong person if you find yourself behaving in ways that don't come naturally to you just so you can appease your partner. In other words, you fundamentally change aspects of your personality and character just to secure the person's approval, which you're sure will translate into relationship bliss. As I've suggested in earlier posts, there's always room for some flexibility and compromise, but you should not feel like a radically different person when you're with your significant other. Perhaps you're not into spicy food, football, or museum hopping like your partner is, but you make the effort to partake in such activities because he or she enjoys them. At the same time, you might expect them to participate when it comes to your leisurely pursuits, whether fishing, painting, or watching National Geographic. But let's say you're a quiet, introverted person by nature, and gradually you come to the realization th...

One of the biggest challenges we face is trying to be ourselves in a world that is trying to make us like everyone else. Some people will stop at nothing to get you to think and act like them. Don't allow it! Make it clear that you will relinquish your uniqueness for no one. Assert that you will celebrate your individuality until your last breath. When they push you to blend in, learn to stand apart. When they goad you to compromise your values or beliefs, stand firm like a rock. Why would anyone wish to be a replica rather than an original? Sure, human bonding calls for a bit of compromise -- a little give and take, if you will. But never should anyone make you feel bad for being resolute in your desire to project your most authentic self to the world. Extroverts might try to convert you into one of them. No matter how well you fake it, though, your introverted temperament will win out because, well, it's the real you. You need solitude in order to recharge you...

Rather than set expectations , we should aim to establish clear-cut  goals . Though these may sound similar, they vary in terms of how a person generally approaches not meeting a goal vs. not having their expectations met. When you set goals, you're doing so knowing full well that you may not achieve them. And even if you don't, you recognize that you can try again by retooling your strategy, or changing said goals altogether. When you set expectations of yourself or other people, you're already anticipating a certain outcome. If that outcome doesn't live up to what you had in mind, you're bound to feel upset and defeated. While being confident and "expecting" to achieve a goal isn't necessarily a bad thing, we need to remain humble and open to the possibility that things may not go exactly as planned, often through no fault of our own. For example, you might get psyched about landing what seems like the perfect job, but fall a little short...

Many people have a penchant for imposing their views and opinions on others. This may very well be prompted by (1) their own insecurities (2) sheer arrogance (3) their inability to accept that others may not share said views or opinions. There's nothing wrong with offering well-meaning advice. But when people prod you to enter a certain line of work, date particular people, or pursue certain passions even after you've expressed no interest in them, that's when they've crossed a line. It's at that very point that innocent suggestions seem more like incessant hounding, and you have every right to put a stop to it -- even if it may spell the end of the relationship. These folks need to realize that they, like you, have their own lives to live and should not butt into other people's business. Some individuals have a serious problem comprehending -- much less accepting -- that others may not think or act like them. Just because they acted a certain way in...