Being desired vs. being needed

Though they sound similar enough, being desired and being needed aren't one and the same.

Here are a few examples that convey desire:

"I love it when you wear that outfit."

"Going to the beach is always more fun when you join me."

"I wish you were here cuddling with me and keeping me warm."

Your charm and intellect drive me crazy."

Now, let's look at a couple of examples that hint at needing someone:

"My life stinks when you're not here."

"I don't feel whole unless you're around."

"I need you to lift me up."

"I can always count on you to fix my problems."

Sidenote: By "needing" someone, I'm not talking about, say, having them help you walk or give you food after a major surgery. I mean it more generally, in the context of a person's emotional well-being.

So, going back to the bullet points outlined above, what do you notice distinguishes one set from the other?

The first group conveys that the person wants someone there to enhance an experience they're already enjoying on their own (getting warm, going to the beach) or waxes lyrical about their irresistible qualities (intellect).

In the second set, the person communicates neediness. They seem despondent whenever the other individual isn't there with them. They rely heavily on the person for validation and fulfillment.

Needless to say, the first person approaches relationships the role of a partner appropriately: to enrich their already satisfying life.

The second person clearly feels there's a void in their life, and they're turning to a partner to help fill it. That's a mistake.

It isn't fair to place such a heavy burden on another's shoulders. The truth is that the relationship can end tomorrow for myriad reasons. Does that mean you can't go on with your life? No, you move on, as difficult as it may be.

Being in a relationship doesn't mean two people have to be welded together at the hip. Each should cultivate his or her own interests and continue going out with friends. That way, at the end of the day, both have something unique to share and maybe even teach each other.

It's about maintaining a measure of independence while being together. That provides the best of both worlds.

Being desired by someone who already has a lot going in their life -- from hobbies to side projects -- is attractive. It means they dig you enough to carve out a place for you in their busy schedule.

But having someone count on you all the time to entertain them and keep their spirits up is exhausting and unattractive.

Before jumping into a relationship, people need to be certain that they'd be content with or without a partner. Otherwise, it will bring serious problems down the road.

There's nothing wrong with wanting the companionship of another. But getting to the root of why someone is needy in the first place should be their first order of business.

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How To Understand People

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