Chances are, you want this individual to be kind, loving, smart, funny, loyal, honest, communicative, responsible, hard-working, and the like.
But these desirable attributes don't mean didly squat if the partner in question expresses no interest in being with you long-term -- assuming that, too, is what you yearn for with them.
Maybe you've been with someone for four years who hasn't so much as broached the topic of marriage.
Or, perhaps you ask them what they picture their life being like in a few years and they fire off a slew of items on their To Do List -- traveling, meeting new people, launching a business -- that seem to have little or nothing to do with you.
Being with someone who fears commitment -- the kind I've termed commitmentphobes -- can be emotionally draining.
You just never quite know whether they're reluctant to commit because they're just not feeling it for you, they've had a forgettable experience with an ex, or they simply wish to date different people.
Asking them to be open with you may not always produce good results.
They might become offended (or pretend to be), saying that they resent being put under the microscope in this way.
Or they might affirm that they do wish to build a future with you, but their actions -- including avoiding topics like having kids -- belie their words completely.
Here are a few tips to keep in mind:
- Be sure to dive into these topics early on in the relationship. You don't want to go out with someone for a year, only to find out they don't share your stance on marriage or having kids. Even though people can always change their mind later on, you'll at least have an idea as to where they stand. It doesn't mean you have to talk about tying the knot on your second date, but you'll want to know what they're looking to get out of this whole thing in the long run. Plus, if they later decide, for example, that they don't want to get married, you can always remind them that that wasn't their posture from the outset.
- Don't stay with them in hopes they'll change their mind. Once it becomes clear that you're the only one of the pair who's deeply committed, waiting for them to come around can come back to haunt you. There's no guarantee they ever will, and you will have wasted time you could have expended on finding something who shares your goals for the future. Judge a partner or potential partner on who they are rather than who you want them to be. If they tell you commitment isn't what they're after, believe them.
- Be clear on what it is you want, even as the relationship evolves. And expect no less from the other person. If you keep your feelings bottled up for fear of sending him or her running for the hills, you're not with the right person. When one of you is far more invested than the other, feelings of bitterness, jealousy, and/or disillusionment may beset the former.
Everyone deserves to be with someone who looks forward to a blissful future with them, and you're no exception.
If having a committed partner is important to you -- as it should be -- don't settle for less. There's a special man or woman out there whose relationship goals mirror yours, and you'll likely encounter them when least expected.
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