Can a relationship survive infidelity?

Many people ask me whether a relationship or marriage can withstand the devastating blow dealt by a partner's infidelity.

My answer? It depends. Some may, and some most certainly won't.

You see, once a person cheats, their partner can never look at them in the same light ever again no matter how hard they may try.

Even if the victim finds it in their heart to give their significant other another chance, such an abominable breach of trust gives way to future suspicion of the cheater's motives.

Are they really heading out to the gym at 9 p.m., and, if so, whom do they interact with there?

Are they truly texting a friend as they say they are? If so, why must they do it during dinner and at late hours of the night?

The cheater may thus come to resent having all his moves put under a microscope given his pledge to make amends for his wrongdoings.

The victim might retort that their behavior is justified. After all, they forgave the cheater for straying in the relationship, and the least the cheater can do is work hard to earn back their trust.

Does this sound like a relationship on the mend? Absolutely not.

If the hurt partner knows in their heart that they can never forget the other for cheating -- even if they say they do -- they should spare themselves all that grief and move on.

Perhaps they may give the partner another opportunity for one or more of these reasons:

1. They want to salvage a mature relationship. When you've been with someone for 5, 10, or even 20 years, it can be difficult to nix the individual from your life. After all, you've likely gone through many of life's highs and lows with them, and even though you detest what they did, part of you may still love them.

2. They're doing it for the kids' sake. No parent likes the thought of seeing a family broken up, and a divorce/separation can bring headaches of its own. By biting the bullet and keeping the relationship intact (or at least trying to give that appearance), they figure the children are less likely to be adversely affected.

3. They're afraid of change. Some people would rather stay in a crappy situation than rock the boat because at least they already know what to expect. Ending the relationship/marriage may throw many things into question, potentially upping the stress in your life. Will you be able to manage financially? Who will pick up the kids from soccer practice three times a week?

4. They're scared of being alone and loathe the thought of having to hit the dating circuit again.
If you haven't been single for, say, 20 years, jumping back into the dating market can seem utterly daunting. What's more, people might think that being with an unfaithful partner still beats having no one around.

I would urge anyone in this position to consider the good things that may come out of giving a cheating partner the boot.

For one, who says they won't find someone better -- a man or woman who will be entirely loyal to them? Rather than meeting a cheating partner's every move with suspicion, they'll have someone who honors their trust and commitment.

And even if they decide to remain single for a while (and there's nothing wrong with that, especially following such a terrible episode of deception), they're actually more likely to feel lonely and unloved in a broken relationship than by themselves.

Staying in the relationship or marriage for the kids is a noble gesture, but if the two of you are miserable, the kids will pick up on it. So, even though you're trying to prevent the family from splintering, it may very well be happening until your own roof.

I'm all for a couple working to save their relationship, but you know it's time to pull the plug when:

1. The partner who was cheated on knows they'll never get over the infidelity, and they wish to remain in the relationship simply to make the offending partner's life miserable as a form of payback.

2. The cheating partner strays yet again even after being given a pass.

Change need not be feared. Sometimes it's precisely the ticket to a happier life, especially when something as hurtful as infidelity is concerned.

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