A relationship dies when partners do this

A relationship begins to decay as soon as one or both partners gets in the habit of personalizing blame.

The formal psychological term for this is “causal attribution.”

In a nutshell, when something goes wrong, one person can assign blame to the other by attributing the problem to what they perceive as his or her weaknesses, flaws, or characteristic behavior.

The accuser make things personal by beginning sentences with the word “you."
Examples may include:

“You never listen”
"You always screw it up"
“You’re always too busy”
"You're never on time"
"You never take my feelings into account"
"This is so typical of you"

It goes without saying that this type of attribution can be catastrophic.

Personalizing blame can elicit defensive behavior from the other person that may potentially lead to a vicious cycle of blame.

Once one person starts pointing the finger, the other tends to follow suit. And if neither is willing to admit fault and try to bury the hatchet, the relationship can fall apart very quickly.

In a stable marriage/relationship, rather than make it personal, partners tend to explain what’s gone wrong in more general terms.

They begin sentences with "we" (I think "we" need to work on communication in our marriage) as a way of signaling that:

Both partners are at fault
They're in this together and must work things through as a team

Speaking from a conciliatory position of compassion and understanding works wonders when it comes to getting to the root of hurt feelings.

Playing the blame game, however, does nothing but imbue the relationship with negativity, setting couples on a collision course that will probably spell the end of the relationship or marriage.

Comments

This will spell the end of your relationship

When asked to think about the most common culprits for a relationship's going south, most people will point to cheating, complacency, and taking one's partner for granted. While these are all valid -- and documented in various posts on this blog -- there are certain habits on the part of partners that may not kill the relationship right away, but cause it to erode more gradually. Among the most egregious of these is expecting your significant other to be perfect. They pick at your follies any chance they get. Nothing you do is ever good enough. In fact, you will never measure up to an ex, neighbor, or accomplished co-worker. Perhaps this all sounds a bit familiar. When you feel as though you're constantly being put under the microscope, it can inflict lasting damage on the relationship and your self-esteem. You're walking on eggshells all the time, praying you don't say or do something that's going to trigger your partner. This is no way to live, let alone ca

No response from someone IS a response

Make no mistake about it: When you don't get a response from someone -- whether they fail to answer your texts or return your phone calls -- it is still a response, and a powerful one at that. When a person fails to respond, it's a direct reflection of their interest -- or lack thereof -- in the relationship. Few things are more aggravating than having to hound a partner, friend, or relative for some sort of reply after we've reached out to them. Yes, we get busy from time to time, but that doesn't give anyone the right to leave the other person hanging. A terse text with something like "Been busy, will reach out soon" doesn't say much, but at least it shows some effort to bring the other person up to speed on why they've fallen off the radar. Failing to provide a response for weeks -- if not months -- communicates that you are just not a priority, and that you'll have to wait your turn to get this individual's attention. This is n

Misconceptions about quiet people

Earlier today, I came across a Facebook page that features motivational quotes intended to improve people's moods and enhance their overall self-esteem. Interestingly, I noticed two quotes that focus specifically on quiet people: "Be afraid of quiet people; they're the ones who actually think." "The quietest people have the loudest minds." I've observed that most people's views of quiet individuals can fall under one of two categories: 1. The ones who say quiet people are antisocial, suspicious, snobbish, and/or full of themselves. 2. The people who say their introspective nature and propensity to be deep in thought makes them smarter than their more garrulous peers. The quotes above speak to this mindset. As an introvert known to be quiet at work and at social functions where I might not know anyone, I feel I'm well positioned to dispel any inaccuracies surrounding quiet folks. First of all, the above statements misguidedly put

Understand People

Search This Blog