I often reflect on the beginning of the relationship, which was surely a magical time. We were both juniors in college with ample butterflies in our stomachs. Our relationship came as something of a surprise, as we had met in the 6th grade and didn't see or speak to one another again until the year we hooked up -- which, by the way, came almost a decade later after reconnecting on MySpace!
Now that we've been married and living together for several years, it's easy to see how different things are from the way they were when we got together.
Aside from the obvious (e.g., you're not as embarrassed to fart in front of one another), you essentially become a team once you're married -- one that has far more important things to worry about than simply choosing what movie to watch or restaurant to dine at.
From bills to helping the kids with homework, marriage takes a lot of hard work and sacrifice.
The dating phase, on the other hand, is far more carefree, as both of you are likely to be living separately and are not as preoccupied with each other's finances and worries.
The beginning of the relationship lends itself to a great deal of idealism. Starry-eyed and clueless as to each other's faults, both people put each other on a pedestal.
Such flaws won't remain hidden for long, though. Once you exchange vows and move in together (possibly sooner), you and your partner's attributes -- positive and negative -- are thrown into sharp relief.
As the relationship matures, you no longer become as giddy at the thought of seeing your spouse because, well, you live with them now. They're always around, so you don't have nearly as many opportunities to miss them. You almost begin to take their presence for granted and settle into a routine. You both become complacent to some degree.
When you're dating, however, each date becomes a highly anticipated occasion. You both want to look your best. You want to say the right things. You're nervous and excited at the same time. You don't know if the relationship will last, but you at least want to see where it goes.
It'd be naive to think that a relationship doesn't evolve once a couple ties the knot. Marriage puts you in situations that may test a number of things -- from how good the communication between the two of you is to your loyalty toward one another.
In a solid marriage, both partners invest time and effort. It's give and take. Both communicate openly. Both take the time to listen to the other. And both continue trying to do the little things that brought you together in the first place.
It isn't fair -- or realistic -- to expect your spouse to be the exact same person he or she was when you first got together. We all change as we age and move deeper into the relationship. Indeed, our experiences -- with each other, with others, and with the world itself -- mold us into different people.
And in reality, they could never be that person again -- even if they tried. Remember what I said earlier about seeing the person through an entirely different lens in the beginning because you don't really know them that well yet. In essence, it's more about whom you perceive them to be than what they're really like. We fill in the gaps ourselves and hope for the best at that point.
I'm very happy in my marriage, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't without its challenges. As long as both of you are willing to commit the necessary time and energy into making it work, you can have a fruitful union.
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