How to Understand People

A person whose words have been shown to contradict his or her actions is one you're better off without. Maybe it's the girlfriend who professes to love you but always misses your milestone moments.  The friend who talks up your being best buddies, but has been caught spreading lies about you. The co-worker who assures you that you can always count on them, but is furtively angling for your job. The truth is that it's not always easy to decipher people's real motives, especially when you don't know them that well. But once you observe on more than one occasion that their actions don't mirror their words, you ought to cast a wary eye.  People can make promises all they like, but if there's no action to back them up, it's evident they've got a penchant for disingenuousness. Don't be too quick to hand over your trust. We are much more apt to do this when the person in question is charming and charismatic.  A rule of thumb to go by: You don't real

The time has come to sever ties with the ones who've done you wrong, with the ones who fail to appreciate all you do for them. Granted, nobody's perfect. We're all guilty of missteps. But if you've done your part to atone for your mistakes and the other person hasn't, it's obvious who places a higher premium on the relationship.  If it's your boss who's toxic and has subjected you to mental and emotional abuse, you need to stop putting off finding a new job. No role -- irrespective of pay, benefits, and other perks -- is worth risking your well-being for!  Those benefits can always be replaced, but as far as your mental wellness, it isn't always automatic (or even guaranteed).  If your partner is abusive in any way, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, you must stop giving them a free pass. Everyone is entitled to respect and dignity.  The longer such behavior carries on, the greater the chance of your mental or emotional state deteriorating

It's inevitable: Sooner or later, the intense passion that characterized the beginning of the relationship will start to dwindle.  Little things you once thought cute about your significant become a source of annoyance. The end of the so-called honeymoon phase ushers in reality, when both people's flaws are in full view and you actually have to put in effort to sustain your partnership. Gone are the days when love notes and makeout sessions had you on cloud nine and little else mattered. Once couples have to reckon with this natural phase of an aging relationship, some -- especially those who have been together a long time -- quickly panic, taking this to mean the relationship is on its last legs.  But this isn't always the case.  A relationship is only as strong as the effort BOTH partners put into it. This means that, yes, a 10-year-old relationship could actually be healthier than a 10-month-old one.  So what exactly is the secret sauce to keeping a relationship exciting

How many people do you encounter on a daily basis who seemingly ooze negativity? They find a problem for every solution. They make mountains out of molehills. They play the role of devil's advocate or contrarian any chance they get.  Negative and dramatic people are a drain on our mental and emotional resources. They thrive on theatrics and do nothing but try to drag us down with them. Misery surely loves company, and they'll stop at nothing until you're down in the dumps with them.  They say you can't change the people around you. But if you think about it, you can in fact  change (as in replace or eliminate) the people who surround you.  It's time to free yourself from the grips of toxic, self-esteem-shattering, soul-destroying individuals! A primary reason why so many of us have a hard time distancing ourselves from negative folks is because we've known them for a long time and have invested so much time and energy into the relationship that we'll do vir

It's hard to believe that some victims of infidelity find it in their hearts to forgive and give their cheating partner a second chance. Is it worth taking such a gamble? Let's dive in. Taking back a significant other who's shown disloyalty to you can be a definite slippery slope. It's for this reason I would advise against making this move.  For one, who's to say they won't do it again? You may think you can rebuild trust in them, but in all likelihood, you'll be increasingly tempted to check their texts or e-mails. Perhaps you might question when they come home late or why they're having lunch with a co-worker of the opposite sex. In other words, your insecurity switch gets turned on. That's not to say that no one who's ever cheated has not been genuinely contrite for their mistakes or sincere in their effort to change their ways.  But let's be frank. By forgiving a cheater, you're essentially allowing them to have their cake and eat it

When asked to think about the most common culprits for a relationship's going south, most people will point to cheating, complacency, and taking one's partner for granted. While these are all valid -- and documented in various posts on this blog -- there are certain habits on the part of partners that may not kill the relationship right away, but cause it to erode more gradually.  Among the most egregious of these is expecting your significant other to be perfect. They pick at your follies any chance they get. Nothing you do is ever good enough. In fact, you will never measure up to an ex, neighbor, or accomplished co-worker.  Perhaps this all sounds a bit familiar.  When you feel as though you're constantly being put under the microscope, it can inflict lasting damage on the relationship and your self-esteem. You're walking on eggshells all the time, praying you don't say or do something that's going to trigger your partner. This is no way to live, let alone ca

Do you get multiple requests from people daily, whether from coworkers or friends? Does it necessitate dropping what you're doing and tending to their needs? Do you find yourself unable to keep up with such demands? If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, read on for some important tips that may very well turn your life around for the better. How you probably got here   I can venture a guess as to what's keeping you locked in this vicious cycle: You find it difficult -- if not impossible -- to say NO.  Let's face it: The vast majority of us are kind-hearted folks with an inclination to help others. The problem is that the more we say YES, the more people will come to expect it. This, in turn, creates fertile ground for being taken advantage of.  So what exactly does being taken advantage of mean? Well, it signals that your wants, needs, and feelings are being entirely ignored in service of pleasing someone else. Your time doesn't matter. Any poten

There is no question that online dating opens up a world of possibilities for single men and women that would otherwise not be available to them. But is it an avenue worth exploring? Let's run through the pros and cons.  The pros In a sense, by allowing you to specify what exactly you're looking for -- say, a lad who doesn't smoke, enjoys sports, and has sworn off marriage -- these sites take a lot of the pesky guesswork out of the dating grind. You can swap pictures and engage in phone/video chats prior to meeting in person, which can help you both assess compatibility.  Plus, it's much less nerve-racking to "approach" someone virtually than it is cold turkey at a loud nightclub where they might be surrounded by friends.  As with all else, there are drawbacks There are definite downsides to online dating. I know this from personal experience, as I met a few ladies in person back in the day whom I'd first stumbled upon via America Online. For those Gen Zer

I want to preface this post by saying that no one in a relationship -- be it platonic or amorous -- is perfect. No one is entirely blameless over the course of relational ups and downs. We all possess flaws, some more regrettable than others.  That being said, having the finger pointed at you all the time -- despite the fact you know the other person shares blame or is entirely at fault -- can be demoralizing.  It hints at one important truth Those who take it upon themselves to make everyone else the culprit and themselves the victim suffer from an acute lack of humility. Whether they have an inflated ego or were never taught to look deep within and concede when they've wrong, these people have a penchant for projecting their follies onto others.  They may act as though they have not the slightest idea they're in the wrong, but it's all a charade to hide their culpability behind the guise of obliviousness and not be held accountable.  How to approach these folks The last t

Your life is good. You have a loving partner, great home, wonderful kids, and decent-paying job. You're in good health, and your finances in order. But something always feels missing -- a void you can never quite seem to fill. And this makes for a life you perceive as not entirely fulfilling.  It may very well be that you have what I like to call Bigger Better Syndrome, or BBS. As you can probably guess, it means always being on the hunt for something bigger or better.  That could be the latest iPhone, a new car every year, or a different job. Maybe you just had a kid and are already thinking of the next one, or the condo you purchased recently is no longer cutting it.  You see the grass as always potentially greener on the other side. You become deeply invested in something, but once you acquire or succeed at it, you're on to your next conquest. It's as if you live more in the future than in the present.  Just why do we do this? Seeking others' approval Keeping up with

It goes without saying that toxic people can be corrosive to our mental and emotional satisfaction. The longer they remain in our lives and the more time we spend with them, the higher the risk it poses to our well-being.  Stop for a moment to consider who in your life you'd deem toxic: Is it a boss or co-worker who has a knack for humiliating you at work? Is it a friend who talks smack behind your back?  Or is it even your own partner, whose comments about your physical appearance border on the abusive? Perhaps you might have multiple toxic folks in your personal and professional life. Such relationships can be awfully difficult to navigate, but with the right tools, you can neutralize their power and walk away stronger and more resilient.  The damage toxic people can inflict  Toxic people can undercut our self-esteem and diminish our feelings of self-worth. The more they repeat things like "you're not worth it" to us, the more likely we are to come to believe them.

Most of us can point to at least one toxic person in our lives whom we detest but for one reason or another have to put up with. Maybe it's a mercurial boss or meddling in-law, or a friend-of-a-friend who rubs you the wrong way.  Then there are those who perhaps weren't toxic in the beginning but have become so over time -- a friend or partner, perhaps. In such cases, we have the power to cut them loose, but seem unable to pull the trigger. Here's why this can be so difficult:  1 . We still care about them . It isn't easy to part ways cold turkey with someone you've known for a long time -- one you've built special, indelible memories with. Just because they've become a shell of their former self doesn't mean we've lost sense of who and how they were in the beginning.  2. They refuse to let you go . Whether it's that they're possessive or deep down they still hold deep feelings for you, they might stop at nothing to foil your plans to call th